Not telling baby's name backlash--a bit long (vent)

sillybiochemist · July 2010

So if you didn't tell the baby's name to people (like family) before the baby was born, how much backlash did you get? Here's mine. Sorry for the length, but I thought the back story would help a bit. If you get to then end you get lots of Hugs and Vibes to have a good week!

I went to visit my parents this weekend, mainly to visit my dad since he hadn't seen me pregnant yet. My dad is pretty laid back but my mom is a bit more controlling (with a touch of drama). They got divorced about 8 years ago so visits require me to split my time when I go to that area. But that's life, no big deal.

My mom had come up to our house about a month ago and spent a load of cash on baby related stuff. We hadn't asked anyone to give us anything (excluding the upcoming shower obviously) so we were a bit surprised but grateful and expressed such a sentiment to her. At the time she asked if we had figured out the baby's name yet and we told her that we were working on it but that we had no plans to reveal it before little one arrived. So she put in her two cents of what name she liked and I said that we would consider it (trying to be polite).

So when I saw my mom Saturday, she was in a bad mood. She had had a few bad days at work and me not being able to spend as much time with her as she would have liked (in part because I have child birth class tonight) was wearing on her. I was asked again what the baby's name was because she wanted something to call it and my response was, we're still working on the name and aren't telling anyone until the baby arrives. She then told me that NO ONE does this and that it was MEAN especially since she had bought so much stuff for the baby (her choice). She also informed me that she had told someone what all she had bought and their response was that if someone (a grandparent) had bought all that for their baby they would let them name the kid. (Seriously?!?) On that one I called BS because I'm sure it happens but my mother knows I'm stubborn and that wouldn't happen. After that she was just spouting out random male names (since we know it was a boy from the ultrasound) all day finding one she liked so now she's named the kid George. My response was don't get your heart set on that because it might not be what we're choosing. It was obvious she was trying to egg me on and get the name but I wasn't budging.

I also told her that there are plenty of people that chose not to tell the name of the baby because of the possible backlash from people not agreeing with the name choice. And that people will say anything about a name before the kid is born but after the kid is born less fuss is raised in general and that was our reasoning behind not telling anyone (including parents & closest friends). BTW my dad and my in-laws are ok with the name thing. They may not be thrilled about it but they respect our opinion on the topic. The only other person that's making a fuss is my dad's mom, who shares a few characteristics with my mom (which is why they never got along) so I wasn't surprised about that one.

I was expecting some backlash honestly but to be told I was mean for not telling the baby's name was over the top for me. This is also the same woman that's concerned about how much the other grandparents are giving for baby related costs, to which I've told her not to worry about because a) we can afford it even if we only buy what we really need, b) its dependent on their financial situation, and c) no I'm not going to tell you how much they are giving us. This isn't new because she did the same thing for the wedding. Apparently it's a competition. Wink

CanadianBride84 · July 2010

Got to love family eh. We are team green so it is a little different for us. However dh had a name he loved for a boy picked out before we met. So his mother is heck bent this will be the kids name. I also got told I could not give the kid a nick nameit had to b the full name and dh agreed with her at first. We managed a compromise naming it his grandpas name with my dad and grandpa middle well that got told to her and she was even more happy. So we now tell people we are going in with a list and will decidewhen we see the baby. Perhaps you could tell her that you are going to take a short list of names to the hosptal because the baby might not look like a certain name. This way u can still change your mind on the name. Who cares if that is a me but it might get her off your back Good luck

natalee215 · July 2010

Try not finding out the sex or telling people names. People think we're nuts. We deal with it from both sides of the family. Everyone loves to guess and we just respond by telling them that A.) they're probably not going to guess and B.) if they do happen to guess we're not going to tell them that they're right. No one gets seriously mad at us (as it sounds that your mom does) but they are disappointed. I often tell people that I prefer not to reveal both names since we may want to use the opposite gender name in the future (which you obviously can't do since you know the sex.) As frustrating as it is, try not to let it bother you so much. I think it's completely ridiculous that your mother would think she has the right to name your child just because she bought you some gifts.

eamaines · July 2010

We didn't reveal names to family/friends.....MPO was it's my kid & I can do WTF I want. Nobody was really that rough on us but that's because I think they know I am pretty stubborn myself Stick out tongue

.
People were continually trying to get the sex of the baby from us but since we didn't find out, that was extremely difficult, LOL!!

Butterflie6381 · July 2010

Honestly, going forward, I would just say, we have a few ideas, but haven't actually decided, so the baby doesn't have a name yet. Claim its a woman's prerogative to change her mind and hormones changing your favorites.

then if they give you suggestions, say hmm, I'll think about it and then quickly change the subject. Like, ask for pickles and ice cream or talk about placentas. They will completely forget the name thing, at least momentarily.

Sorry about your mom. Her reaction does seem over-the-top. Hopefully she will relax once the baby arrives. ::hugs::

Ashleysred · July 2010

I am with Renee. Lie. Say you haven't decided and change the subject.

Mrs.PsyD · July 2010

aye ye ye , She's being manipulative. Don't even try to argue with her becasue she's being irrational. You won't get her to understand your point of view. I agree wtih pp's lie and say you have not decided. do this up until delivery.

Remind her of how appreicative you are of all the gifts but offer to send them back if it's going to give her something to fight about. (someone in my life used to pull this shitte when I was a teen, buy me clothes then hold them over my head. I learned just to not accept stuff with strings attached. This particular issue is a bit of a trigger for me, so I'm reacting really strongly to the giving you stuff for the baby and holding it against you part).

Why oh why to grandmothers act like these kids are their babies. Back off grannys.

SgtEriksWife · July 2010

Renee.... "talk about placentas" made me choke on my roll... that was hilarious!

Buttercup29 · July 2010

Reading things like this makes me happy that I don't have to deal with my mother. She would totally do the same thing and I am so sorry that you have to deal with this added stress.

I'm like Natalee - we are team green and not revealing names. To be honest, I get sick and tied of everyone guessing epecially my MIL who said that my OB should call her and let her know the sex of the baby since we don't want to find out. She also went out and bought tons of baby girl clothes claiming that the bean is a girl. My SIL didn't want to tell anyone names of my nephews before they were born, so I am going the same route, even thougth she asks in almost every email what we are gonig to call the bean.

IMHO, this is your kid, not matter how much stuff people buy for it and therefore they don't get to name it. Now if your mom would like to birth it, raise it and pay for college, well then, maybe she might have a chance.

chosen175 · July 2010

We knew from day 1 that we wanted to know the gender, but that we weren't going to reveal the name. But what we did was tell people "Which would you rather know - the gender but not the name we chose, or the 2 names we've chosen and not the gender?" Everyone wanted to know the gender so they could go shopping so things were calm for a while.

Once I started showing, however, all bets were off and EVERYONE was asking me what dd's name was going to be. I tried being vague, saying we hadn't decided, or reminding them that they CHOSE to know the gender rather than the name. But they still pushed and it started to get on my nerves. So I started something new: whenever anyone asked me what her name would be, I'd tell them the most hideous name I could think of off the top of my head. "Well, we hadn't planned on telling ANYONE but if you PROMISE to keep it a secret, I'll tell you. Just don't tell Eric that I told you, OK?" and they'd get all excited and I'd say "The baby's name will be Gladiolus Jezebel." or something equally goofy. WOW did it make people mad! lol It became quite the fun game for us to come up with a new name every time someone asked. Eventually, though, they stopped asking becauase they knew we weren't telling.

I'm sorry your mom isn't being very respectful of your wishes. I agree with pp - tell her that you are NOT telling and that's final and if she wants her gifts back, she's welcome to come and get them.

sillybiochemist · July 2010

Mrs.PsyD:
aye ye ye , She's being manipulative. Don't even try to argue with her becasue she's being irrational. You won't get her to understand your point of view. I agree wtih pp's lie and say you have not decided. do this up until delivery.
Remind her of how appreicative you are of all the gifts but offer to send them back if it's going to give her something to fight about. (someone in my life used to pull this shitte when I was a teen, buy me clothes then hold them over my head. I learned just to not accept stuff with strings attached. This particular issue is a bit of a trigger for me, so I'm reacting really strongly to the giving you stuff for the baby and holding it against you part).
Why oh why to grandmothers act like these kids are their babies. Back off grannys.

Talk about hitting the nail on the head. Ugh!

I've had to threat to send this or that back before at previous points which is annoying to do. So I've stopped doing it because it just ended in hurt feelings and more crap because it just added fuel to the fire. I was reluctant to accept anything from her in the first place honestly for that type of reason you suggested. I started reading Mama Drama a while ago and one of the things it suggested was to protect yourself by not giving out too much information. Things are on a need to know basis. Which is a bit difficult with a little one on the way. Guess I'll have to get used to it.

The funny thing about all of this is that the first name is pretty much set but the middle name isn't. Which she's been told that the name isn't set yet and it's not enough because I'm supposed to tell her the names I'm (note the context) considering.

She'll deal with it one way or another. I know she won't "get over it" because she still gives me crap about getting married without her and that was 2.5 years ago. Supposedly that caused her to enter a depression (which is BS). The reason I say it's BS is she was having health problems including anemia so between that and not sleeping well (her sleep apnea was in the process of being diagnosed) plus a few other correctable things she felt like hell, didn't want to get out of bed, etc. Also she magically felt better after I sent her a dozen roses on her birthday (we got married the day before her birthday). But that's a different story. Fortunately it wasn't anything too serious and in that respect she's fine.

Thanks for letting me vent ladies! Very much appreciated.

Want a personalized experience?

Not telling baby's name backlash--a bit long (vent)

Re: Not telling baby's name backlash--a bit long (vent)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards