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rels09
member
Is this common?
rels09
member
Hi all. I had an interesting conversation with my cousin last night and wanted to ask if her perspective is common. She has a 14 month old son, is 29, and has been married for 4 years. She has a grad degree works part-time as a couples and family therapist.
We have always enjoyed spending time together, and last night she came to Seattle (solo) to see me when I was on a business trip so that we could catch up. We were chatting about how she likes being a mom and what things are like for her now, as I hadn't seen her in person since her son was born. She basically told me that she doesn't really enjoy being a mom that much at this point because she feels like she has had to give up too many of her own wants and needs. She mentioned reading a book called Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert and identifying with one of the perspectives of a mother in that book. That mother had 3 adult children, and her opinion was that while she loved her kids, she didn't feel that motherhood had enhanced her life in any way. My cousin said that so far, she completely agrees with this. The reason I included the biographical details about her above is that she said she also wishes she and her H would have waited until later in life to have a child. She asked how I felt about kids, and I told her that we were really looking forward to being financially ready to TTC and can't wait to take the plunge, as we've both always known we definitely wanted to be parents. She told me that when she encounters a perspective like mine, especially from a serious career-oriented woman in her late 20s (which I am), she is always surprised because it is so different from her own.
In your experience with your friends and family members who are parents, do you think my cousin's perspective is common? I don't think the other parents I know would agree that parenthood does not enhance their lives at all, but maybe I am just naive. My cousin has always been very "adult" and enjoyed doing adult things, even when she was, like, 10, so I guess her perspective about losing too much of her own, adult time doesn't really surprise me that much in her particular case. But I was just curious to hear more perspectives on this.
Daughter born at 34 weeks due to PPROM, July 2012
Expecting baby #2, May 8, 2015
May 2015 signature challenge for January: "You had ONE job!"
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Is this common?
Hmm, to answer your question as to whether it was planned, I think the answer is "kind of, but not really." When she got PG, she told me that they had been laying the groundwork for TTC (started taking prenatals, they were both working out more, etc.), but that actually getting PG when she did was a bit of a surprise. I got the impression that they took sort of a one-time calculated risk, if that makes sense.
Another note - she also mentioned that she thinks she might enjoy motherhood more if she worked full time. She has her own couples therapy practice and is still growing her business, so that's not in the cards for her right now.
Daughter born at 34 weeks due to PPROM, July 2012
Expecting baby #2, May 8, 2015
May 2015 signature challenge for January: "You had ONE job!"
I was just going to ask if she works full time. She sounds like the type who would do well with a full time job and motherhood so she can get a combination of the wonderfulness of having kids with the wonderfulness of still "having an adult life" or whatever she feels is lacking.
I dont' know, I have these neighbors who have two kids my kids' ages, and the dad talks about almost nothing else other than "getting his life back" as the kids get older. I doubt he'd say he regretted having kids, and I know he loves his kids, but gosh he goes on and on about missing spontaneous things like camping and hiking and happy hours. I can't really identify with him on that. I miss those things too, but it's usually for a fleeting moment. He seems to really dwell on it, which mystifies me. And he does work full time. I think to myself, doesn't he get enough fulfillment and adult interaction from his job? I know I do - but then again I really really love my job, which makes being a working mom a lot easier I think.
Honestly, I think she's brave to admit it. There was a link to an article on one of thenest/bump boards recently that said that parenting makes people less happy, then I heard this article on NPR about the same thing.
What I agreed with about the story is that women romanticize motherhood the way they may have previously about marriage, going into it w/o REALLY understanding how much work it is day to day while the rewards may not be found every day. On a whole, parents see their life as more fulfilling but moment to moment "happiness" isn't necessarily there. The tedium of tasks involved in parenting make a lot of people frustrated when they may have had completely carefree lives before. It's more noticeable the later in life people have kids, and the more money they have, because they essentially know what they are missing out on.
I think that while it's true that I know what I missing out on, I make a wholehearted effort to involve DD in the things DH and I used to do before she was born. We may be limited temporarily in doing things like biking (waiting a year) and such, but we'll get back to those things and now they're fun in a new and different way because we get to see her experience things. We recently went on our first family camping trip and had a blast and have already planned another trip. I believe that life is what you make it and if you let yourself be chained down by marriage or kids, you won't be happy. If you embrace them and involve them in what you love, you will find happiness you never knew could exist.
TTC #1 Cycle 14 - IUI#1=BFN, IUI#2=BFP | TTC #2 Cycle 8=BFP!!
Early toddlerhood was kind of rough for us. It was probably the most difficult time other than the newborn stage. At 12-15 (even 18 to some degree) months, the kid WANTS to do so much but isn't physically able to do so or verbally able to express what they want to do. I felt completely wrapped up in DS's life at that stage. He was also going through one of many separation anxiety stages, so I felt even more like just a limb in his life instead of someone with my own life and identity. It's possible that she's feeling some of that right now.
I've found that as a SAHM, it takes a LOT of work to maintain your individuality. Many times I feel my brain going to mush and wish that I could be at work to have more of myself back. Many of my friends that have chosen to work instead of SAH seem to have fewer problems with this. It's possible that b/c she's only working part time she isn't feeling the full benefit of also having an adult life.
However, on the whole, I think I am a happier person now than I was before we had kids. While I've given up a lot of myself to SAH, I delight in each of DS's new stages and look forward to being able to introduce him to who I used to be. I have no desire to stop being me forever. Even at 2, I'm getting to do more and more of the things that I once loved.
I think this is probably pretty common in phases. Like previous posters have mentioned, there are times (for some fleeting, for others longer) when you miss the old times. For me, I want to go on vacation. We're leaving on a trip with DD soon, but I know it still won't be vacation since I can't put my feet up, read, sleep whenever I want, go wherever, etc. DH wants to take a vacation alone, but I can't leave DD for that long without missing her too much (that also speaks volumes for how cool parenthood is)!!
So, I guess what I'm saying is that, at times, I feel more like my work fulfills me and I do miss my old life. However, I think having a child is amazing. There is so much joy in doing simple things that there never was before. Watching her discover things is like discovering them all over again myself. I hope that we can have another because I want to do this again! I also really look forward to when she is older so that we can do even more together. It's exciting and tiring, but I can understand how for some people it's not entirely the right thing. Maybe for your cousin it will get better when her child gets older and they can have a different type of relationship? I agree with a PP that she is brave for being able to talk about it. Feeling that way doesn't mean she loves her child less than anyone else.
Everyone I know has there own perspective on parenthood. I don't think people can be pushed into three categories. I had my son at 32 and was very happy to give up my career as a lawyer. I've known other lawyers who couldn't wait to get back to work from maternity leave and I know people who were miserable going back to work. I know people who had kids in their 20's and resent them and I know people in their 30's who feel the same way. We all have different paths and make different choices. I don't think marriage is for everyone and I don't think parenthood is for everyone.
I don't know or want to know someone who measures parenthood based on how it enhanced their life. Your cousin sounds like a very selfish person. Children aren't like a new car or shoes. Being a parent is all about work and making sacrifices for someone else. The reward is the love between you and your child. You hope you're doing the right things raising them.
I do think it is common and as previous posters have commented, there are so many perspectives that parents have.
Real quick before I go on--my grandmother recently passed away at the age of 86. She gave birth to 7 children, had 19 grandchildren, and 11 great-grandchildren. With spouses, she had 60 immediate family members at her funeral and hundreds of total attendance. My husbands great aunt recently passed away as well at the age of 83. She never married and never had any children. She had her brother and sister in law as her immediate family and about 20 in attendance. Both woman led very fulfilling lives in their own, very different way--but in the end, my grandmother was surrounded by those who loved her unconditionally in a way that only a mother could understand. While DH's aunt was a successful woman who led the way for women in the workforce and became really wealthy, she was extremely lonely in her later years after retirement. I respect her so much for all that she accomplished, but I long for the life my grandmother had--and my grandparents were not wealthy by any stretch of the word.
I am in the 'I want my cake and I want to eat it too' category. I would not imagine my life without my son--he is the best thing to ever happen to me. In the same breath, however, it has been extremely difficult. I want to go have an extremely nice and expensive dinner with lots of wine and not feel guilty for spending the money, leaving my son with someone (even grandparents!), and wanting to sleep in the next day. Speaking of which, I get jealous of those that can sleep in every day! I want to go on the lavish vacations we used to go on but can't because the flight is too far for a toddler and the expense is too much (plus you can enjoy it so much more without kids!). But then I think about how life was like day to day without my son and how he fulfills those days in so many ways that my husband and I couldn't. While I love my husband dearly, there is something about picking up my son and having him run towards me like I just made his entire day--and that makes my day so much more fulfilling. So while I really do miss my childless life, I don't miss it as much as I would miss my life with children. In a nutshell, having children fulfills my life.
I work full time and send him to school and I wish so badly that I didn't have to. I wish I had saved a lot more money and was able to stay at home with my children--I think I would have a ton more patience as a mother if I did not have to work and I think I would feel better about my parenting skills. But--I do not regret getting pregnant with DS at the time I did. I was in my late 20's and had worked hard to the point I was in my career--and thought I would be an amazing working mother after DS was born. But, he came along and I decided that I didn't want to work the 60 hours a week my promotion required. I wanted to be able to take off when he needed me and be there when he learned new things. I stepped down from my position when I returned after leave and I will tell you--while it is so hard to see someone else in the position I worked so hard for, it was THE BEST decision I ever made.
I think as mothers, we all have bad days and some more than others. It's ok, though.
Thanks to all who have shared their views so far - it's all really interesting.
gtown - it's funny that you mention that about having a second one, because she does not think she wants another one. Her H does, though.
To the pp who said she was selfish - I can see where you're coming from, but I don't completely agree. I think an opinion isn't selfish, it's how you choose to act on it. I think it would be selfish if she insisted on not giving anything up to be a parent, but that's not the case at all. On the contrary, she spends a lot of days home with him and is financially conscious in a way she never, ever was before. She's just not 100% thrilled about it.
H and I talked about this more when I got home last night, and our opinion has always been that it's such a short time, really, that your kids are little. I am sure it can feel incredibly draining at times when you're in the middle of it, but we've had 8 really fun years together so far and, knock on wood, we plan on having many more enjoyable times just to ourselves once our kids are a bit older. That's how we feel now, but obviously we don't really know since we're not parents yet, which is why all your perspectives are so interesting.
Daughter born at 34 weeks due to PPROM, July 2012
Expecting baby #2, May 8, 2015
May 2015 signature challenge for January: "You had ONE job!"
The Today Show recently did a story called, "I love my children, I hate my life.' The clip is here.
Parenting is hard and even though people tell you that it is hard, time consumming, your life will never be the same- I think you don't 'get' it until the baby is here. Also, to me- 29 is young to have a kid. I know people do it all over the world but in larger, expensive, sometimes inconvenient cities- I think it is really hard to have kids 'young.' Most of your friends are out living it up and you are not. On the flip side- DD was born when we were both in our mid-30s and we will be in our 50s when she goes to college. It has been nice that all of our friends waited to have kids too :-) We have several people who are going through the same things as us- where if we did it 5-6 years ago- we would have had no one. I talk to one of my best friends around 8am on some mornings- where a few years ago, calling before noon would have never happened.
I think your cousin's view is more common than many mothers will admit to. One of my friends admitted to having this view a few years ago before I was even married and I was shocked. I don't feel that way at all. Of course I miss certain things, like sleeping in past 6am (I was a do-not-call-me-before-noon type of girl) and vacations but I have so many new joys in my life as a parent that I could not even imagine before. I am not a SAHM and I think that's part of why I like my life as a Mom, SAH is just not for me. Perhaps your cousin should look into finding a 2nd P/T job?
thanks for sharing, this is a great thread
This has been our philosophy entering into parenthood 100%
My one brother, who had an "oops" baby with his girlfriend, would probably agree with your DH. I'm not sure he would even say it out loud, but by his (irresponsible) daily actions he shows in his behavior how much he'd rather not have had a kid.
DH and I talked about this last night at dinner, and we agreed that going it alone would be MISERABLE. Whether that means being a single parent, or being married to a spouse who just does not help out with the kids, but if I felt like I was doing this alone I would be really, really unhappy. This was after watching an episode of Mad Men in season two, where the main charater's wife was like "I need your help raising these kids!" and he was all Mr. 1950's-I-work-hard-all-day-at-the-office-my-wife-takes-care-of-the-kids "huh...?I don't know if this answers your question, but I was really glad that a friend sat me down before I got married and said, "Your marriage will not fulfill you. Your kids will not fulfill you. You have to have your own life outside your husband and kids and be fulfilled on your own in order to have something to give to them."
And I think everybody has an escapist fantasy - not every day is fulfilling, I'll give you that!
This is what I was thinking. Rels- is your cousin the primary caregiver? I'm guessing she is because of her work status and I bet she would benefit from tilting the parental responsibility scales a bit. I also wonder if she has a particularly difficult or exasperating kid? I definitely think they exist!
That being said, I'm pretty sure my own mother feels like your cousin. I never heard that from her (from someone else, though. Long story). I don't think that she regrets having kids, since we all get along and are pretty close now, but I definitely think that she did not find motherhood as personally fulfilling as it's sometimes made out to be. She was also the primary caregiver and while she has never been a professionally motivated person, she didn't have much of a career outside of the home to dive in to.
I agree with whomever said that feelings like this are not uncommon, just in various degrees. I love C with all my heart and he is my most favorite person in the world, but I can not tell you how many times I have daydreamed about going away all by MYSELF just in the past week. He is an adorable, sweet, smiley boy but every kid can be trying and every mom wants a break at some point.
ITA, too.
I love being a mom and everyday Warner does things that make my heart burst with love and pride for him. But as wonderful as parenting is--it's hard and a lot of work. I don't feel that there should be any shame in feeling the need for a break and getting worn out sometimes.
I strongly disagree with the pp who said your cousin is selfish. It's just the reality of how she is feeling. And like another pp said, there's nothing wrong with feeling that way, it's how she acts on those feelings that count.
omg, yes! that is fantastic advice.
I'm happy to add my .02c.
Before I had DS, I was a 27 year old successful Psychotherapist in private practice full time (so I can relate to your cousin for sure). Now I am an almost 29 year old SAHM who works a 1/2 day a week in a career I LOVE. Don't get me wrong - I love love love my son, but I miss my job on some days more than I care to admit. DS is a pretty easy kid but lately it's been tougher as he's more mobile and I feel like I have to watch him like a hawk or entertain him more than I did previously. And I know this is just going to increase. Add to that, I struggled for 8 long weeks with severe PPD right after DS was born. If someone had offered to sterilize me then, I would have done it in a heartbeat. DS wants at least 1 if not 2 more children. I do in theory, but as DS's primary caregiver, I can't really imagine what life will be like with more. On the weekends, even if I'm "off" duty, I still have to give DH a play by play of what to do with DS half the time. There sure are days when I miss my "old" life, but I can't imagine what life would be like without DS. I really look forward to when he's a bit older... more like school aged. I've never been much of a baby/toddler person but I love older children.
That being said, we just acquired my 13yo nephew for at least a year, so I think that will assuage DH's need to have another baby right now (I hope?)
The goal is for me to get closer to working more of a part-time schedule rather than just once a week. I know I'm not exactly cut out to be a SAHM and that wasn't what DH and I agreed on before DS was here. But all of a sudden, DH is so anti-daycare that it puts me in a tough spot. I don't feel the same way he does, and I truly think that sometimes DS is missing out on the vital social interaction with other children that he simply doesn't get in my once or twice a week playgroups. If DH doesn't agree on daycare in the near future, you better believe DS is going to pre-school as early as humanly possible!
I googled the Elizabeth Gilbert book and the word "motherhood" just to see what she says about it. Found this one webpage and I appreciate the comments. (Unlike so many websites, the readers who commented on the article seem really respectful of each other.)
I don't regret becoming a mom, clearly we are adding to the family, but it is so much harder and different than I ever imagined. I agree with Agrippa, till the child can express their wants and desires and what they need or what is wrong, it can be so hard and frustrating. I long for the day DD can fully talk and let me know what she is thinking. And I agree with the PP who wrote about fantasizing motherhood. I know I did. I romanticized it while I was pregnant and the reality is so different than what I envisioned. Even my little problems and circumstances I built into my fantasies are laughable now.
I love DD with more of my heart than I thought possible and I give more of myself to her than I have ever given anything in my whole life. I would never trade it for my old life back. I miss that life, I miss me time, I miss sleeping till I wake myself up but I would miss DD's love and affection more. And I would miss all the little vulnerable moments that DH, DD, and I have shared together over the last 16 months so much. It's changed DH and I, for the better I think.
Yes, she is the primary caregiver, albeit with good support from both of their parents - both sets live nearby. Her H works a lot because he has an MBA and is working for a start-up holding/venture capital company. I think this is the source of a lot of her frustration, especially because she wants the two of them (her son and her H) to bond more. I don't know if her son is difficult because I haven't spent time with him, but that's not my impression. My dad has met him several times and thinks he's a very sweet kid, and he doesn't just say that about anyone. I think the many of you that have pointed out that maybe SAH, even part-time, isn't for her, are totally right, and that is probably 90% of the issue.
Daughter born at 34 weeks due to PPROM, July 2012
Expecting baby #2, May 8, 2015
May 2015 signature challenge for January: "You had ONE job!"
I agree with pp that pregnancy and motherhood has been romanticized and I think your cousin's POV is more common than people want to admit. It seems like if anyone says that their child has not made their lives better, then they do not love their kids and that is not true. That being said, DS has enhanced my life b/c he gives me a more 3-D perspective on things. I know DH has only recently started to feel this way too.
I have a feeling that your cousin would feel the same way if she waited to have kids. Missing "me time" is not something that would change IMO.