Adding to the family?

Aubs13 · July 2010

Hi, ladies.

DH and I are TTC our first child together. Although I know it really isn't BM's business, I'm worried about her reaction when we do get pregnant, and how she'll turn that against us with SD. DH and I have already agreed that he needs to continue his tradition of their Daddy/Daughter Dates, and SD may need a little extra attention and reassurance that she's still loved very much.

Do you mind sharing some of your stories? How did you tell your step-kids and BM? How did they take it? What are some things I need to consider in this journey?

Thanks for sharing!

MissSusieQ · July 2010

I think this is a legitamite and real fear for a lot of SMs out there. I know I had this fear as well. I knew for a fact that BM still was harboring feelings for DH so that made it harder. We told SS first he was 9 at the time. I do not believe that he told BM. After we had shared with the rest of our family DH told BM. He made sure he saw her face to face and told her if SS has any questions to direct him to us (we also told SS this). BM pretty much ignored my whole pregnancy and has pretty much ignored my son except to mention him in court documents. She has made comments under her breath, but loud enough for us to hear to her bf, that her son was a cuiter baby. We talk to SS all the time about DS being his brother and he knows and adores him. The first thing he does when he walks in the door is find his brother. Honestly at this point I don't care what BM thinks of my son I know he is loved by DH and I and his big brother and that is what matters. If she were to tell SS that isn't his brother I think it would just roll off his back or he might say something back to her at this point.

SWmama · July 2010

I agree with PP that I think most SM's worry about this. In our case, SS was 6 when I got pg. We told him (earlier than I would have liked) that he was going to be a big brother. He got excited and wanted to call his mom and tell her the good news, so we helped him tell her together.

BM has been WONDERFUL since DD was born. She is a teacher and loves kids, so that helps. She brought SS over the day that DD was born, she always refers to her as SS's sister, etc. I have been surprised at how great she's been.

One thing that was important to us was that he know that DD is his sister. We do not use the word half around here. He knows that his sister has a different mom but that doesn't seem to phase him in the least. I think it helps that he has a much older brother and sister (19 and 21) from BM's first marriage.

Also, we explained to him that the baby would take up some time when he was born. And that while we may spend a lot of time changing her, feeding her, and getting her to sleep that we would still get to spend time with him doing things that the baby doesn't get to do.

Oh, and keep her involved in your pregnancy. SS went to my big ultrasound, helped pick out DD's name (although he advocated for Watermelon iPhone as the name), he got to feel the baby kick lots of times, helped us pick out the big baby items, etc.

He is an awesome big brother and just adores his sister to pieces. He wants to help take care of her in any way he can. When she cries it's almost like a race to see who can get to her first. DD thinks he's pretty cool too.

I would also recommend assuring them that nothing major is going to change once the baby gets here. That they will still see you and your DH, there will just be another person in the house to love.

Good luck! Writing all this has made me want to have another one, lol!

DREWLILY · July 2010

We have an awful relationship with BM. She hates DH and I, and routinely tells SD that she hates us and how SD is not to be nice to us, etc. It's been a big issue. But SD knows otherwise. So we told SD over Christmas that we were expecting, and she was ecstatic. We did not tell BM, nor did SD because she was scared her BM would get mad. But BM found out on her own somehow and asked DH. We have no idea if BM has tried to cause trouble regarding LO but SD is still just as excited if not more than the day we told her. I think just tell your SD and tell her how much you both love her and are going to love her even after the baby gets here, etc.

katecham · July 2010

This hasn't happened to us yet, but we would probably let SD tell her mom. She can't keep a secret at all and it would come out eventually.

BM actually told us they were going to start trying in February and she got pregnant in March. SD told us there was a "baby in mommy's belly" and DH texted her to let her know SD was blabbing BM was OK with it and has let us know when her ultrasounds are so that she can send pictures to us to show SD (we have her for the summer). I'm actually making her a diaper bag and some other stuff as a baby present from me, DH and SD when SD goes home for the school year. We also talk to SD about her brother or sister (not half), and she's asked questions about why they will have different daddies. Not a big deal.

krismac72 · July 2010

Im the BM and when I found out that my ex and his new wife were having a baby I was excited b/c our son was an only child and at the time I thought this was his only chance of ever getting a sibling as I was told I probably could not get pregnant and me and my hubby had just planned that it was not meat to be. Lo and behold Im pregnant now but my son just loves his baby sister so much and it just warms my heart to see him with her. I know everyone's situation is different. My ex and I have a pretty cordial relationship with shared custody so we HAVE to get along.. its whats best. I worried about how my DS would feel knowing his sister gets to stay with his Daddy all the time and the same deal with this new one..but so far it has not come up other than the fact that it makes it more difficult for him to leave his Daddy's house now as he misses her. Good luck to everyone. Blended families certainly have their share of situations.

wigontheway · July 2010

I have 2 wonderful SD's that we have all the time. I found out yesterday that we are expecting and I am soooo excited. I am also worried about Bm's reaction. She has a real history crazy behavior, and I am not looking forward to her reaction. We haven't told my SD's yet, but I know they will be super excited. Should I wait a while to tell them, so I can postpone all the craziness or go ahead and set off the bomb? I should also mention the girls are visiting the BM now and will be home for good the 1st of Aug.

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