- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
2nd Trimester
MaryYVR
member
Was I rude? (IL vent - long)
MaryYVR
member
So I have great IL's and they live about 10 minutes away. They're British although have lived in Canada for 30 years and have a tendency to "pop by" unannounced. Although they live 10 minutes away, it's totally out of the way for them to "pop by". A few times they have popped by while DH was at work and caught me napping or just having a shower. I scrambled to wake up or get dressed and greet them and I think it was obvious that I felt a little awkward or surprised by their visit.
Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't sleep well the night before as I was up for 3 hours in the middle of the night. I got back to sleep and slept in 'till 10 (YAY). I was still wearing a long nightshirt when they "popped by" unannounced again about 11:15. They had called about a half hour earlier but I was doing something and DH was in the middle of cooking breakfast so we let the phone go to voice mail and DH was going to call them back later. They didn't leave a voice mail message and then showed up unannounced again... and this time they rang the doorbell and walked in the front door as they rang it.
I just ran quickly to our room and yelled out "I'll be out in a second, I wasn't dressed." When I came out I said "Sorry, had I known you were coming, I would have been dressed." My FIL said, "we called but there was no answer so we came by." They were coming by to wish me a happy birthday, of course and brought me a gift.
So, after they left I spoke with DH and said, it's not cool for them to do that. He said it was a British thing. I gently reminded him that they could have easily walked in on us in bed together or in the shower together and we all would have been mortified, especially since they didn't wait for us to answer the door.
Today they popped in again, unannounced with my BIL, niece and nephew with another little gift for me (very sweet).
So, about an hour after they left, I sent them a "thank you" e-mail for the gift and said
"Sorry I wasn't dressed when you got here yesterday. I'm quite embarrassed. I was having a lazy morning since I was up for 3 hours in the middle of the night. I'm not always great with the "pop-in." A few times you've popped by and caught me in the middle of a nap or just starting a shower and I've had to scramble to get dressed quickly or wake up, so just let us know you're planning on coming by and we'll let you know if (or when) it's a good time. That way we'll be ready and waiting and of course please know that you are always welcome. I'm just a little more "with it" and social if I've actually been awake. I can also only imagine that schedules and good times to visit will be extremely varied with a baby around."
What do you think? I was hoping the point would have gotten across yesterday when I said "I would have been dressed, had I known" but obviously not. They are truly lovely people and I get along well with them, so I don't have much to complain about but I figured that I should address this ASAP as I imagine it could get worse with the baby here.
On a side note, DH grew up with his grandparents living right behind them, so I imagined they popped by on each other constantly and I guess it was fine. I would never even pop by on my parents and would at least give them the courtesy of a phone call 5 minutes before if I was in the neighbourhood and they would never pop by on us.
mmc @ 14 weeks - November 2009. Missed every day.
15DPO:461 17DPO (47hrs later):1380
15DPO:461 17DPO (47hrs later):1380This discussion has been closed.
Re: Was I rude? (IL vent - long)
I don't think it's rude at all...I don't understand how they didn't get it the first time around....
But if they don't get it the THIRD time around, install a chain lock inside the door
No, I don't think you were rude. And perhaps you need to lock the deadbolt or get a chain, especially if DH is not going to tell them that this is not okay.
I would put the kabash on that QUICK! Sometimes I run to the laundry room naked or once the other day I even put my (hot, fresh from the dryer) bra in the freezer while I stood there with a tea towel covering me for a minute! I would not be cool with walking in.
Besides that, the pop in is not okay either. I remember reading a story just like this on the bump and the girl eventually turned her ILs away, saying something like, "Sorry but we have plans but be sure to call to set something up."
Brady Phoenix, 8.29.09
Claire Zoe, 10.26.10
Brady Phoenix, 8.29.09
Claire Zoe, 10.26.10
You're probably right. He doesn't know that I said anything yet, although I will tell him when he gets home. Hopefully he won't be too upset (although he never gets upset about anything). I just thought I'd back it up with the reasons and explain my own embarrassment as they rarely pop in when we're both home and it's usually just when I'm home alone.
Yesterday he said that he hoped they would get the message yesterday but if they didn't, we'd definitely have to be more direct. Since they popped in on me again today, they obviously didn't (although they don't just open the door at the same time as ringing the bell when I'm home alone).
There's so little drama in the family that I hope I didn't cause any. The rest of my e-mail was very friendly and upbeat, so I hope that helps.
Brady Phoenix, 8.29.09
Claire Zoe, 10.26.10
Exactly. If we knew they were coming, I would have absolutely no issue with them ringing the bell and coming in at the same time. It's the surprise that scares me.
I'm soooo not good with unannounced visits (it's an anxiety thing I have) and get a little panicky when people do it. Unfortunately, even though I'm sure I appear flustered or uncomfortable, the culprits never seen to pick up on these cues (I'm usually quite friendly and sociable under normal "prepared" circumstances so I don't know why they don't see that I'm not quite myself). I know some people think nothing of dropping in to see people willy-nilly, especially with family members, but I still think it's rude.
Your email is polite and to the point, quite appropriate given the circumstance. Not rude whatsoever.
I just told DH and he was fine with the whole thing and will back me up 100%. He doesn't expect there will be an issue and thinks they'll "get it".
He said that we walk in their front door as we ring the doorbell when we arrive but I explained that his parents are always expecting us, so it's a different story.
I'll let you know if there is any drama that comes up. Hopefully not.
Thanks for the support ladies! :-)
We're so alike! I get so anxious if the house is a bit messy or I haven't made my bed yet (it's a big house but the MBR can be seen easily upon entering). If I have time to prepare, I'm so relaxed and a good host. Even if I can get the tea and biscuits out or cut up some fruit, I feel a million times better.
DH and I chatted and he felt comfortable with me being open with them about it. He thought it may have caused more awkwardness if they felt it was more of a big deal and he needed to discuss it with him. He thinks that how I did it kept it light and got the point across without making it a huge deal or put them on the spot and made them feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in person.
That said, if a follow-up needs to be done, it will most definitely be him doing it because at that point, they have really not gotten it.
This is me exactly! I usually don't give a fig what people think of me, but when it comes to my house/personal space, I'm very particular.
This! My IL's live a 5 min drive away. Ew. They are not welcome to "pop by" unannounced and they never do, which is good because the sight of my MIL makes me want to spit nails. I digress, that is an entire other thread. I keep my doors locked and never answer the doorbell unless I'm expecting a package. Boundaries are good, they are your friend! Good luck!
Well, they have never just walked in before. They've popped by before but never just walked in so it wasn't like we were expecting it. Plus, that morning DH had been in and out of the house several times as we are in the midst of renos. We don't really live in an urban area (we live in a major ski resort area). I used to lock my front door all the time when I lived in more urban and suburban areas.