question from 3rd tri:) Not sure I want DH's support in labor

NewlyWeds13 · July 2010

My due date is Tuesday. I am guessing I will be super late, so not really thinking anything is going to happen until 42 weeks, but I have started to get some feeling about DH in the birth that I am not sure what to do with.

Specifically I am just not sure that I want him to "support" me or do anything in the labor room. I find people counting or saying "good job" annoying and grating now (and I am not even in labor), he is a horrible massuese (just had bad touch and never even makes anything feel good normally), and generally has lots of wonderful qualities, but nurturer or making me feel better when I am down or in pain is not one of them. He has the best of intentions, but I just don't find him soothing in the least. I love him dearly, but this is just not his area:)

did any of you feel this way and if so, did you talk to DH about it? If not-- what should I do, nothing and hope that day of, I can tolerate it and don't snap at him (and make him feel bad, which is my fear. I fear that if he is annoying me and I am in pain, I will lash out and be very mean to him), explain what I am feeling now in hopes that he understands and is not offended, so that we can avoid any big blow ups on day of, or something else?

TIA

MelbaCat · July 2010

totally normal! i hate the whole "good job...you can do it". i would have totally lashed out. But you have to tell him that!! When my contractions got bad, i didn't want a massage, or supportive words. I wanted a distraction.

DH held me hand...or rather let me squeeze the he!! out of it (his fingers were black and blue afterwards!!) and he let me deal how I needed to deal. when I wanted to talk or wanted a distraction he did just that and he let me breathe and be on my own when i needed that. you just have to tell him what you want or don't want.

and really, i think most DH's realize that you're in pain and you're going to say lots of things you don't mean, it's labor, it happens. I said lots of stuff and he just let it go. we laugh about it now.

I would be hard pressed to think you wouldn't want him there. we had to make a few decisions along the way and i was glad he was there to hold my hand and help me decide that "yes i needed the epi" or when it was time to move to a c/section. that was my experience, FWIW

hydies33 · July 2010

I told DH that I had no idea what I would want/need in L&D, so to please just go with whatever I said at the moment. This way I could be free to ask him to talk to me or just be quiet & hold my hand. I just asked him to be open for whatever I felt at that time.

MNgirl326 · July 2010

hydies33:
I told DH that I had no idea what I would want/need in L&D, so to please just go with whatever I said at the moment. This way I could be free to ask him to talk to me or just be quiet & hold my hand. I just asked him to be open for whatever I felt at that time.

this.

it may really surprise you on much you actually need him, just tell him what you need when you need it.

mkanderson85 · July 2010

hydies33:
I told DH that I had no idea what I would want/need in L&D, so to please just go with whatever I said at the moment. This way I could be free to ask him to talk to me or just be quiet & hold my hand. I just asked him to be open for whatever I felt at that time.

This x 1000. Everyone told me "you won't know what you want until you get there" and I hated that comment, but it is so true. You may not want that support now, but you may be yearning for it when you get ready to push. It is an emotional experience and you'll more than likely want to have his support.

Caryssa8 · July 2010

I am the exact same way! I just told him that and he was really good. He kept his distance while I was in labor and really only patted my head with a wet cloth and held my legs when I pushed. He knew that I didn't mean to be rude, and he knew how I am so he wasn't surprised when I asked him to keep his distance until asked.

I think the best thing to do is to just tell him exactly how you feel. You guys are married, I'm sure this won't come as that big of a surprise to him if he knows you well. And it will prevent frustration on both parts once you go into labor.

starfish1133 · July 2010

I also didn't want to hear "good job" or "it's almost over" because no one really knows! DH really helped me through it though. During the parts where I was hooked up to the monitors, I had him tell me when my contraction peaked on the monitor. It helped SO MUCH to know that it was almost over (there was like a 10 second delay between it peaking on the monitor and the pain getting better). It was also great to be able to squeeze his hand during it. Just let him know that you don't want him to "coach" you through, but there are plenty of ways that you will probably want him to help. GL!

laurieb602 · July 2010

I told him if he told me to breathe, I'd cut his balls off...I know I have to breathe, been doing it for 31 years!

berrybuzz · July 2010

my husband was rubbing my side at one point and i told him to stop, and he was like im just trying to help, and i was like your not helping. i felt so bad. but he understood, he was just glad i didnt yell at him and tell him that i was in this mess cuz of him

BelleIsa · July 2010

laurieb602:
I told him if he told me to breathe, I'd cut his balls off...I know I have to breathe, been doing it for 31 years!

lol! During labour, my DH kept saying, "Breathe! Breathe!" and at one point I yelled at him, "I know I need to breathe!"

To be honest, DH was kind of useless during labour. He had no clue what to do and I was too distracted to really coach him. I wish we had practiced more beforehand with icecubes so that we were better prepared...

teach2183 · July 2010

DH didn't really "support" me other than being a hand to push on (literally) when DD was born. With DS, he came too quickly to worry about anything (17min from arrival at the hospital).

I would just tell your DH what you want from him in the hospital... maybe to help distract you?

nopegoat · July 2010

Everyone that knows me thought I was going to be the stereotypical woman in labor screaming and threatened my DF while I was in labor... I get agitated very easily and through hellacious pain into the mix and it was going to be all over... But that is not how it went at all! First I was in to much pain to say much at all and when I wasn't contracting I was to tired to do anything but be tired... As far as my DF, all he did was sit there and hold my hand through contractions, and while pushing he held one of my legs. He was so fascinated by our son actually coming out he didn't do all the good job bs and it was perfect! I would be very honest with your DH about what you want and don't want. I am sure he will understand! Good luck!

melodylb · July 2010

My DH is not very nurturing either. HOWEVER during labor he was amazing. He went and got whatever I wanted/needed, he held my hand, wiped my face and held my leg when I pushed.

We talked about it before hand and he knew that I didn't want to be told to breathe and I didn't want him to count. I actually liked when he told me that a push was really good and he could see her moving down. Made it feel like I was making progress.

The only person I got annoyed with was my dr. she kept saying just one more and not giving me a break and I got angry and said "I THOUGHT you said just one more 5 pushes again!" She gave me a break after that. Then she told me to keep pushing because the baby was so close and they could see her head. She said it about 15 times it seemed like and I told her that I didn't fvcking care if they could see her head I just wanted her out. LOL

teelaman · July 2010

I agree that if you're concerned, just let him know what you'll need. But...you might be surprised at how differently you feel when the time actually comes.

When I was in labor, it was so nice to have DH there just to talk to. I was in labor for 10 hours before going to the hospital, and once we were there and they broke my water, it was another 2.5 hours before I started pushing. During that time, I literally chatted with DH. We joked about stuff - like how long it was taking for the epi guy to show up, how we waited 10 hours before going to the hospital b/c I didn't think I was actually in labor, etc. - and it made those couple hours fly by. Then, when I was actually pushing, neither of us talked. He just held my hand - and that was the best support he could have given me.

But, I can honestly say, if he had talked, I wouldn't have cared. I was too focused on getting her out.

Cilley · July 2010

I NEEDED my DH to help me breathe through the contractions! I'm sure that without his help I would've had a c/s which was one idea that I wasn't cool with.