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I'm admitting it- I have a problem- one which some of you would love to flame
I don't know how to be single. I don't like being single, and I don't even know who I am since my divorce. I am 27 I have a 20 month old daughter I was with my EXH for 7 years before our divorce and friends with him for 3 years before that. I have been divorced since may seperated since Feb and I have already been in 2 relationships and had one very stupid one night stand. Only one of those men ever met DD and she adored him, however I ended it because I felt I needed to just focus on me and DD and other areas of my life, and he also had some of the qualities that I divorced DD's dad because of. Problem is my life really sucks right now. I have a medical problem that causes me to miss a lot of work and therefore am the brokest I have ever been in my life. It's seriously scary. I am very depressed and very anxious. I am just now really grieving my divorce, more for DD than for myself. I am jealous of my friends who are raising their children happily married. I see a psychiatrist and have been to therapy but can't currently afford to go. I don't ever get to do anything with my friends because my bestfriend lives out of town and works different hours than me and my other bestfriend has 2 kids so finding convienent time doesn't seem to work out. My other friends also live out of town and work diffferent hours. I just don't know how to find myself. I don't want a man I just want a happy life. My daughter is the light of my life and she is all I care about, I want to care about myself too and live a fulfilling life. I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't not be lonely without a man. Anyway this probably doesn't even really make sense and it sure isn't gramattically correct but I needed to vent.
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Re: I'm admitting it- I have a problem- one which some of you would love to flame
I love you.
PP-I think that was a kind of rude thing for you to say since what she's talking about has been discussed on here many times by different people.
OP- I've never been married, or been with someone for that long, but it is completely understandable to be having a hard time dealing with it. There are state resources you should look into like food stamps/WIC, section 8, utility assistance etc since you're not doing well financially either.
As far as relationships...I definitely know how you feel. I sometimes feel like I need to be in a relationship to be happy and fulfilled, but I know that's not what I need and it's not what DD needs. My mom was the kind of person who *had* to have a man at all times. I've had so many "stepdads" it's not funny. She drove all of her kids away by choosing the man she was with. Just please don't do that to your LO.
Thanks for the compliment on my daughter, second off everyone says I make too much money for sliding scale fees. It's ridiculous they won't even take into consideration that even though I work FT I haven't worked a full week in a while now.
Do you even know who you are?
You've been in a relationship as someone else's wife for your entire adult life. Before that you were someone's girlfriend. When someone says hey do you know KentuckyChick? what do they say to clarify who you are...MR kentuckychick's wife...KentuckychickDD's Mom? How do people describe you?
Better yet how would you want them to describe you? Think about describing words. I'll give you an example. When I needed to write an essay on how to describe myself in one word, my parents said i should use the word congenial. I was offended. I wasn't described with a stronger word. I chose the word DETERMINED. I then set the course that all my actions all my decisions would prove to the world I was determined. you know what...people now describe me that way. I set a goal, I increased my work ethic,I left an abusive relationship, I went to college full time, held a full time job, raise 2 children on my own and graduated Magna I had a GPA of 3.6, I got a kick a$$ job. I taught myself to knit b/c I wanted to learn something new. I have now taught actual knitting classes to other adults who want to learn.
I also practice the mantra of KBO, keep buggering on. When you're in hell you don't sit there for tea you push through and get out.
This is your moment, your crossroad, you turn WHO ARE YOU GOING TO BE. How are people going to describe you? How is your daughter going to describe you?
You are wallowing. And the cloak of depression and excuses and being a victim is comfortable. It's comfortable b/c it's the pain you know. This "I need a man" BS is that BS it's an easy high, it's easy to make a man say you're beautiful, especially if they know you're going to have sex w/ them. But it's empty and not satisfying b/c you aren't fixing the hole you're just covering it up.
Stand up and say I'm going to learn to do something today that I've never done before. Look up a craft that piques your interest. Knitting and crocheting are cheap. But you could go online and learn to make something. This point it's about knowing you can do something tangible. Ever bake a pie from scratch? How about Bread? You can search youtube and learn how to do anything even how to replace your muffler on your car.
Learn to do something and stick with it until you do it. So you say this, This thing I made took me x amount of hours and I did it myself.
You didn't just make a thing your built real skills, of initative and confidence. Once you realize that you can read just as well as anyone else can and you can follow directions then you will know you can conquer the world, by yourself.
How do doctors know how to do something? They follow the directions they read in a doctor manual...now am i saying that you should go out and practice medicine without a license...no, but I am saying they are no smarter than you.
The most attractive quality anyone can have is confidence. You need to build it yourself so no one can take it away from you ever again.
exactly this. when db and I broke up at 8m pg I didn't know who I was. He was such a douche to myself (but is actually coming around. just.a.bit...don't get too excited lol).....but I didn't really realize who I was until ds and I went through a bunch of shiit because of DB's douchbaggery and had to pay the price.....now I can say that I am a MUCH stronger, determined, put the pedal to the metal kind of woman.
I don't take shiit from anyone anymore. I stand up for ds, I stand up for me. For once I feel like I have a voice and it means something......Mind you it's now almost 3 years since getting pregnant and I won't lie, it takes time. Lots of time.
re: relationships. I've only been in once since db and I broke up but I didn't even think about dating/men until about a year after we broke up (yes most of that time was taken up cause of ds, but I didn't have any interest in dating anyone until then). We've now since broken up, and I've been single since January but ex-so is still in our lives (he's been there for most of ds') and he and ds have a great relationship! For future relationships, I'm not jumping the gun at anything right now, and YES it will be awhile before any meet ds.
eta: you don't have to have a man to be happy. get yourself better first and then don't even think about dating. take some time for yourself and dd. a happy momma = a happy lo
also...def look into county services. if you've not been working consistently get a letter from your boss stating so so they don't have to go on previous income when you were working steady hours
In my bag
d90
50mm f/1.2 * 28-85mm (Macro) f/3.5-4.5 * 70-300mm f/3.5-4.5
Opteka Fisheye Adapter * Lightscoop
It wasn't rude. It was true.
I suffer from depression so I know what that can be like. It's not a pretty or easy place to be but at some point you have to do something. When you say "people" do you mean the actual workers who handle billing for places that offer care? B/c if you're referring to just general "people" then you should check into it before taking their word. I just posted this a.m. about how crappy it is trying to get assistance w/things when you work f/t and "make too much" but you have to make sure looked into every option.
At this point you have to take care of you before you can even begin to take care of your dd. That means learning to stand on your own two feet, learning to be by yourself and not depend on a man validation. Yes, it's nice to have someone but you are your own person and if you can't love yourself and respect yourself then no man will and it's not a great example for dd.
Anyway, Sweetie gave you some good stuff.
Love you too, Erin.
Also OP, there are a lot of self help books you could check out from the library, sometimes church's offer counseling for no cost, even if you are not affiliated with them.
Check out Catholic Charities. They go by a sliding scale, licensed therapists, and my session was only $5. Despite the name, it is not religiously focused, just helping people who need help.
Do you have any family in the area that you can lean on? Do you have any pay-by-the-hour daycare facilities that offer nights/weekends? Even if its a few hours a week, it is worth your sanity.
Have you looked into meet-up? There are a lot of hobby groups that meet, no real committment, so if you can't make it one week, you're not letting anyone down.
I commend you for realizing that you need help, and taking the steps to make that happen.
I'm sorry that you're having a rough time, but I think it's good that you're realizing your problem and seeing a pattern and know that you need help and you have things to work on. That's a huge step in the right direction. I'm sure if you look you can find counseling on a sliding fee scale. It might take a lot of phone calls, but there are people out there who want to help.
I think everyone has a lot of great advice in PPs. Especially sweetie and bmenz. I don't think anyone was being rude.
This wasn't really flameful, you are at least admitting that you are afraid to be alone, what problems you know you have in your life, etc. That is a huge step. You aren't in denial about those thing.
I never, ever knew what it was like to be alone. I was in one relationship after the other from the time I was 16 until XH and I separated last year in July when I was 26 (I used to be proud of that, now I realize that it pathetic).
When we split I was also pregnant. I felt so alone, vulnerable, unwanted, unnattractive, etc. After I had DS I also felt very alone...it felt strange to be single and have an infant son. Slowly though I started to get my confidence back. I realized that I was a rocking mommy to be able to do it on my own, and that I did the best thing that I ever could for my son by leaving a terrible relationship.
I had completely and totally LOST myself in that marriage. Our life had become one I would never imagine living.
I started broadening my horizons and making friends with other single mommies, and just other people in general. I spent a lot of time with my family and DS has developed such an amazing bond with them. My friend and I took a trip to Borders one day and got some amazing books about manipulation. We read them cover to cover. I was able to see just what I had been dealing with for so long. Mostly because I was afraid to be alone.
Now I am not even sure if I am ready to be in a relationship. I am pretty darned happy being single. My life is full. I am officially divorced, I have never felt more confident. I know I am a great mother, a strong woman, a good friend, and a beautiful person inside and out. I don't need a man to validate these feelings for me. Sure, it feels nice to get compliments but most importantly I KNOW things about myself already, and don't have to have someone else around to make me feel good.
I can totally relate. I was with exH for 11 years before the divorce. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to raise my son with someone. I started dated before the divorce was final, I spent maybe 2 months total "alone". I hated being single. People told me to just enjoy it, live it up, but I really couldn't. I met my SO and we got serious around the time the divorce was finalized. I'm happy now, happier than I ever could have been with my ex. Things worked out perfect for me, but I think I really found a great guy.
Get some help for YOU first, then Mr. Right will come around when you least expect it. GL
Violet Mae born 1/15/13