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myrall
member
In-law Issues (long)
myrall
member
Long story short, DH's dad and step-mom were no-shows for our wedding. It had nothing to do with us and was all about some relationship issues THEY were having. The one time we tried to discuss their absence with them, SMIL went bonkers on me and started screaming, FIL burst into tears, and that was that.
I'm still seriously wounded by the fact that these two adults absolutely refuse to take any responsibility for their behavior. They've never apologized and probably will never do so. In fact, they've swept every single thing under the carpet and are acting like nothing happened.
It's apparent they want nothing to do with me since we (and I emphasize WE) tried to call them out on their absence at our wedding. They don't communicate with me at all. They've also made snide, passive-aggressive comments about me to my BIL and SIL.
Issues got complicated (of course) when Geneva was born. They get petulant and whiny about not spending time with Geneva. Funny, they want nothing to do with me but are dying to have a piece of the kid I helped make. I've repeatedly asked DH to go to them and ask them to at least own up to their rotten behavior. And if they seem honest enough in their efforts, I'm willing to give our relationship another shot.
DH doesn't want to confront them because he's afraid they'll disconnect from us completely. Any disconnect existing now is completely of their own doing. Not to mention, DH hates conflict. I have no problem with telling them how I feel; but everything I've ever been told and read says I'm supposed to let DH handle things.
Another problem is that DH does not communicate with his parents at all. He hates dealing with them and is reluctant to even speak to them when they call. But then he'll turn on a dime and say he wants them at Geneva's birthday party and he wants us to go see them for Christmas. I don't get the hot and cold thing whatsoever.
So, I have a few questions:
1. Should I just drop all this and act like nothing happened, too?
OR
2. Do I press DH to have a Come To Jesus Meeting with them?
OR
3. Do I let 'em have it, myself?
Anyone making it through all this deserves a prize. Thank you.
Lil' G was born April 25, 2008!
Big C was born September 28, 2011!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: In-law Issues (long)
Thats a tough situation you're in. In my personal opinion, I dont think you can win any way you choose to go. I'm not sure there's much to gain in confronting them about being absent at your wedding. It probably dredges up bad feelings for whatever reason they chose not to come and they'll never put their own feelings aside, so I would call that one a dead issue. I know it bothers you deeply, but I'd let that one go.
Maybe take a positive spin on things? Rather than going to them with loaded guns....maybe just tell them that you would really like to enhance your relationship with them. Ask them what you could do to improve things? Its a little manipulative I know, and probably hard to squash the feelings you have, but make them think it was their idea. It will force them to solution WITH you and either way, you come out smelling like a rose. You've been the "adult" one and tried to make things better. If they dont bite, its on them.
Just my two cents. I have a set of former in-laws who I was never able to find common ground with
That's tough. I have tried in the past to have Nico talk to his parents, and that only gets me so far. He's only willing to say so much because he doesn't want to rock the boat.
I tried to put it all away and forget the previous upsets, but what ended up happening was my letting them have it. I really laid into them. But that comes from them staying in my home. I don't think you have that issue.
Does Rob understand how you're feeling and why its important to you for him to get this issue resolved? What is his reason for not wanting to find resolution? Can you see his side of it? Is there a compromise?
It's not even just them not showing for our wedding, it's everything after the fact. Them not showing made me mad for Rob. It wasn't until they started acting like a$$holes toward me that I got ticked.
My dad says next time I see them, I should just walk up to them and tell them, "I've forgiven you," and walk away.
I bet things would go nuclear then. Their tendency is to shut down no matter if the situation is negative OR positive when it comes to me.
Rob absolutely knows how I feel. I've been very vocal with him about it. He keeps saying he doesn't want to re-open new wounds. I told him the wound had never healed, as far as I was concerned. He just doesn't want to jump in it with them and wants it to go away on its own. Kinda like they did.
Ugh, that's a tough one. I'm sorry that they are putting this all on you and that they are taking no responsibility for their actions. I would say that you either drop it and just try not to let them get to you (easier said than done!) or press DH to really talk to them and tell them they have to be more respectful and considerate of your feelings if they want to have anything to do with Geneva. I agree with Brandi, though, that it's probably pointless to try to bring up the wedding issue because they will never put their feelings aside to understand how wrong they were. Good luck!
Mommy to Abigail Elizabeth (11/4/11) and Brady Jasper (7/2/09)
my blog
One other detail and then I'll butt out: As best as DH can discern from what his dad told him, the showdown over our wedding happened because SMIL told FIL it was either her or our wedding. FIL had just been busted with his pants around his ankles (literally) with another woman and SMIL had his nuts in a vice.
FIL preferred to make nice with her rather than attend our wedding. So that adds a whole 'nother level to things.
Um yikes. This is definitely a no win situation. I agree with MrsKLB that you should press your husband to discuss with his parents that they have to be respectful of you. I don't think there is anything that can be resolved with them not attending your wedding or any past issues, based on what you have said. But Rob needs to sit them down and tell them that going forward they have to be respectful of you if they want to see Geneva.
I've dealt with nasty in-law issues regarding DH's family and with my brother's wife. What I've learned is that some people just don't "get it" and will always be self absorbed and because of this I've found it easier to just let things go and put on my nice face. Things have gone a lot more smoothly once I took the higher road.
I can totally relate as my husband's mother is NUTZ! She's controlling, insecure, and just not a very happy person in general (self-admittedly). She and I had a blowout several years ago, before we were even engaged, and it drug on for months. I still have the 3 page typed letter she wrote me with a bulleted list of everything I've ever done wrong! The problem was, once she'd said her piece, she wouldn't listen to my point of view and had no interest in trying to rationally talk through things.
Your SMIL sounds to have a similar personality to my MIL so I'll tell you how I've tried to deal. I never yell, no matter how irrational and angry she gets, I speak in calm, even tones. This is not because I'm a better person, but because I know it drives her crazy. Now that we have M, I've begun to repair my relationship with her. I send her pictures and keep her updated, I even invited her to stay later this month while I go out of town. I just try to be the grownup in the situation, because clearly someone needs to be.
My advice would be to handle it how DH wants you to, sweep everything under the rug and be wife of the year. It sounds like this woman is trying to cause drama and make FIL choose between her and his family, don't let her win. In your own mind, just know that everytime you rise above their pettiness, you're disallowing their drama. I know old wounds never really heal and I still have a lot of hurt over the things my MIL has said, but for my husband's sake, I'll continue to try moving forward.
Sorry for writing a book!
I too have had my share of issues with my MIL. She stopped talking to DH and I after our wedding. There was a lot of drama right before and thankfully Noah spoke to his mom right before the wedding and said Melissa is going to be my family so accept it or move on. Sad thing is we were so close before all the wedding planning happened. I think she was just so sad to not have control over her son. She didn't meet Kate until she was 2.5 years old and Lil Noah was 3 months old. I sent her letters all the time to update her on Kate and sent her pictures. I knew one day she would want to be a part of our lives and so I made sure I would have no regrets.
I would not confront them--I did this the weekend before the wedding asked what happened how could we make things better---WRONG WRONG WRONG thing to do--made the situation worse--for her moreso than me.
I think if your DH won't deal with it you have the right to say then I don't want them here for bdays and Christmas. These are special times to be with family and no need to have a lot of drama surrounding them. He can take G to dinner with them to celebrate if he wants and you just stay clear of them.
Eventually they will ask why you don't come and your DH can tell them you don't feel welcome around them that they have said things about you and you are protecting yourself.
I do hope things get better. Things with my MIL will unfortunately never be the same, but at the same time she can never be disappointed with us because we don't spend the holidays with her--she did this all by herself! Good luck and I hope you guys can resolve everything.
Such a tough situation. But the thing is, you can't change crazy. And these people are obviously crazy, so you can only change how you respond/deal with them.
I think doing what is comfortable for you and letting them in (baby steps) would be taking the higher road. I mean, you know they are being asses and despite how they act they probably know it, too. You'll still always have the upper hand.
My personal opinion would be to try and pretend like nothing happened and see how sincere they are about making amends. If they ever mess up bigtime again then you are within your rights to say "SEE, I wasn't going to say anything BUT.....!!!!!$#*&#$#&($&*(&%#(&@^#@#" Maybe they suck at recognizing where their issues and problems affect others. I don't know but I think it's always best to give it another shot if your heart (and marriage most importantly) can handle it.
Thanks for all your thoughtful responses. Mellie, yours rings true the most. I know, deep down, that any confrontation with them (good or bad) is destined to go south. And I guess it's my secret wish that I never have to deal with them again.
Whenever DH wants them around, we end up having a fight about it and I eventually put on my happy face and deal with it. It makes me so anxious I want to barf. At Geneva's b-day, I just ignored them. I said hello to them and exchanged pleasantries, but that was it.
Unfortunately, I'm the frostiest person around when I don't like someone. And I'm a baaaad liar. They'd have to be completely stupid not to know how I feel about them.
Once again I will suggest the book "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward. My in-laws are so crazy I was beginning to believe I was the one that was losing my mind. After reading this twice I feel normal again and have clear directions on how to handle them. The first time I read it by myself, the second with my husband and it has helped us tremendously. You do need to remember that this behavior of sweeping everything under the rug has gone on for years and you and your husband need to discuss how you will handle conflict. If this continues, you will teach your daughter to handle conflict this way because that is what you will model for her.
Maybe start by working with your husband on how to address any conflict (not just with them) and then you can work together to find your answer. Seriously get the book-it will help you realize you are not alone, and you are not the crazy one.
Honestly, even if you're being Jack Frost, if they're as self absorbed as they sound then they don't get it. I sincerely hate these types of situations. All family drama just makes me sickly anxious. Up until my own MIL went bsc one random day I was firmly of the belief that you let DH handle everything related with his family and you be wife of the year and stand behind whatever he decides. However, I've since changed my tune. I go one of two ways now. I either just suck it up and let it go completely if it's something I think I can let go. If I can't let it go, which I don't know if I'd be able to do it if I were you, I speak my mind. Like pp have said though, it might be lose lose no matter what so if you can, it might be best to let everything slide as they might never understand anything beyond their own perception anyway.
I am so sorry Myra. My advice is to just move on and be the bigger person. let it go for now, its over it is what it is and sad, yes, but you cannot change the past. Confrontation will not solve anything sounds like IMO. You just need to realize this is how they are and do the best you can to deal with it the way things are. If you can't stand to see them on holidays just tell DH. If he doesn't respect that and you can't leave them out, then do what you need to - if that means avoid, then just avoid them. If they made snide comments about others, then just leave the room and seperate yourself from their toxicity. I know its not easy, but you can't control them, but you do know how you need to act to deal with the crappy situation you have been given. He is your DH father and you cannot force you DH to behave in any manner, he will confront the situation when he is ready which may be never. Just love him and let your feelings known, BUT don't harp on them. Try to be calm whenever discussing holiday plans and if you don't want them there, then tell him calmly. Now he may not listen, but you at least let him know your feelings and if he sees you ignoring them he will know why.
Good luck.