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Blended Families
Bm invited us on a dbbl date!
Do any of you have a good and friendly relationship with BM? has anyone tried it? would you try this? here is the story. it was our weekend with SS, and BM wanted to take him to the movies. we agreed because we try to flexible about not letting parenting plan stop either couple wanting to bring the boy to something he would really enjoy. we put SS on the phone so BM could ask him if he wanted to go to the movies. BM told SS to ask us if we wanted to go too. when SS was told no that we will not be going it about broke his heart. SS is 4 years old. DH and BM were not together when SS was conceived or born. they are co- parents and that is all so there are no hard feelings, besides that we just dont get along with her that well. DH and i have been together since SS was 10 months old. so he has never seen his mom and dad together except at pickups and drop offs. he of coarse doesn't understand how uncomfortable this situation would be for us. he just wants all these people he loves to go to the movies together. I am on good terms with BM as long as we dont see each other for very long., but anytime we are around each other for any length of time she drinks and things go bad. she tries to fight with DH, come on to him, or even come on to me! She has made moves to be around us socially in the past. however i just feel that limiting our interaction is the best way to keep the peace. SS reaction has me and DH questioning ourselves though. are we being selfish, should we suck it up and try to be friends. are we depriving him of a family interaction that would be really valuable? of coarse this could lead to him seeing his mom and dad fight, step dad and dad fight, or me and mom fight. that to me should be avoided at all costs. what if she sees my relationship with SS and she cant handle it. she is not above throwing a fit in public she has done it before. would anyone try this? by the way i am 5 months pregnant with my first bio. baby. i am rather emotional and not trusting myself. that is why i really hope to get some insight from you other step-moms.
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Re: Bm invited us on a dbbl date!
I don't think that SS "needs" to see his parents together in that kind of situation. You sound like you sort of have the same relationship with BM as we do (minus the hitting on). We get along as long as its not for extended periods of time. We invite her and her BF in when we do drop off/pick ups and they do the same for us. That is about the extent of our visiting time time with BM. I think it does my SS a lot more good to see that his parents can get along for a few minutes in the same house, rather than try to get along at an extended activity just for him. It wouldn't happen, someone would go away uspet and it would be at SS expense.
I would say keep it to short visits with BM and show him that you guys can get along. Don't give him any ideas that you cannot stand to be around each other. He doesn't need in on the adult drama. We try to keep SS's life as drama free as possible. If DH and BM have something they need to talk about that might get a little loud, then we make sure SS is not around. He doesn't need to see any of his adult role models fighting.
However, we do have his birthday parties together for now. I think that there being a lot more people than just BM helps in that situation. We basically just avoid any lengthy conversations with her and the parties have gone well in the past. I can see how this won't last many more years though, as BM and DH are having less patience with each other lately. But like I said before I don't think that SS needs to have them together for these things. He just needs to see that he is loved by everyone and that he is the most important thing in this. If that means we don't hang out with BM, then so be it.
When DH and I first got together, he and BM were on good enough terms that they could associate in social situations and get along fine, so we often did things with SD together. I had planned to take SD to the Christmas Parade when SD was two, but BM really wanted to take her and since DH (at the time BF) was going to be driving in the parade and not with us, we ended up going together. That way BM got to see SD and her older half-sibs got to spend some time with her and have fun but she went home with me since it was our week to have her.
Things have, of course, changed since the custody battle, though. We maintain friendly exterior relations, but we no longer associate with each other like this.
Our SD is also four, and BM and DH were not together when she was conceived or born. They are only co-parents, as well. So our situation is quite similar, as well.
There is nothing wrong with not going to the movies together, especially if you think that your SS might notice the tension. It's pretty easy for kids to feel that kind of thing and not let in on it. No explanation needed really. Just tell him that he ought to go to the movies with BM and spend some special time with her and stepdad and that later y'all can do something special, too.
We have a great relationship. When we go to SD's events (school programs, ice skating performances, etc.) we always go out and have dinner together. DH and BM have history, but it's history and they put their feelings aside.
We had BM at our wedding so she could see SD be our flower girl. She invited us to her wedding as well, to see SD be flower girl, but since DH and her family have some issues they decided it was probably best not to go.
That all being said, BM is not crazy and not prone to fits of public outbursts. Neither BM or her DH have ever tried to fight with us, or come on to us, and I consider myself very lucky to be a totally sane BF. Hence our ability to go places together with SD.