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2nd Trimester
I hate when ppl offer things that you don't want!!
My SIL has been offering to give me her DDs first Christmas dress (her DD was born at the middle of November and ours will be born the beginning of December), but I don't want it!! I want to buy my daughter the dress *I* want for her first Christmas. I feel bad, but I hate when people offer things when you don't ask!! I guess I'm being a b!tch, but I'm gonna feel bad when she asks me why I didn't put it on her.
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Re: I hate when ppl offer things that you don't want!!
Is she telling you you HAVE to use it for the first xmas? If it's cute I'd just take it and have the baby wear it another time during the season. And if she asks why your baby isn't wearing it at Christmas that day, you go "Oh I love it, thanks so much, she wore it to such and such other party this season..." end of story. No drama necessary.
If she makes a thing from there she's nuts. But my guess is she's just trying to be helpful - and yes, while I understand what you're saying you might be making yourself sound like the nuts one for being annoyed.
I didn't say ANYTHING about getting 'angry' that she offered me the dress. You don't know my SIL, therefore you wouldn't understand why I can't exactly tell her 'No, thank you'.
Send her my way! I would be lost without the generous offers of others--maternity clothes, a co-sleeper, a highchair. Offering is the polite way to do it, I can't really go around asking people to hook me up with their baby gear.
I'd offer a quick "no thanks" and every time she brings it up tell her how much you appreciate her generosity but your heart is set on picking out something yourself. Repeat as necessary.
I have so many hand me down holiday outfits. We are doing exactly as stated above. I will still pick my own outfit for 'my' Christmas.
Yes, but you said you "hate" it, so that is probably why PPs figured you were "angry" about it. (Hate and anger usually go hand in hand.) If you don't post a BSC back story on her, we have no idea and will work with what you've given us. We're all just trying to help and offer suggestions as well! I hope that it works out and you don't get what you don't want!
P.S. I wanted to add that my mom is the type of person to buy a piece of clothing and then demand it be worn on a certain occasion. This caused mega problems when I was a kid living with my dad, who had his own plans for my clothing on special event. And this continued even until I was an adult and she actually picked out and delivered an Easter outfit to me when I was in my 20s! I had to put my foot down and set a boundary that she was welcome to buy me things, but she could not dictate if or when I would wear them. A gift is a gift, not a requirement. If she couldn't respect my wishes, then I would prefer that she keep her money and spend it on something special for herself. She was FURIOUS with me, but I felt like I had been respectful in my request and stood by it with a loving, but firm attitude. She got over it and changed her ways. I am expecting a repeat conversation with her buying special occassion clothing for LO, but I will continue to stand by my words.
It sounds like this may be a boundary-type issue rather than a offering/generosity issue. If I am right, then you need to set the boundary because if you don't it will crop up in other areas, too. (For example, my mom would give me decorations for the house and tell me where to put them, even to the point of making things for my house that suited what she wanted rather than anything that reflected my style or desires).
Lol, I guess you're right. She kinda is BSC...well, ok, she's the type of person who swears everything she has is the best and she will constantly ask for pictures of DS in any outfit she sends for him. Also, she's not the cleanest person in the world. I'm pretty sure that the outfit will have stains on it. I'm very OCD (like diagnosed OCD), I can't help it. She will demand that I take a thousand pictures at Christmas and if LO is not in the outfit she will ask me a thousand questions as to why she's not in it and this and that. It sounds stupid and petty, I know, but I've been dealing with her for 11 years now. She kinda talks as if she wants to be in control of our kids and things, and I think that's why it's bothering me. I feel kinda like she wants to control what I put on her for Christmas...know what I mean?? It's not so much her trying to be nice, it's her trying to tell me what I should put my daughter in for her first major holiday.
She probably will not send it anyway. She lives 12 hours away from us and she always says she's going to send things and never does. I'm really not a b!tch, she just rubs me and DH the wrong way (he doesn't get along with her and doesn't want anything from her).
I understand how you feel. It's hard to tell someone no when they are offering perfectly good things. I would just tell her No and that you will probably want to buy her her own dress for her 1st Christmas. Just be honest and it will stop right away. If you don't the offers will keep coming.
I too hated having to say no and looking ungratefully but some things you know you will be buying and you just don't want to store the things others give you.
ahhh ok, OP, much more clear when you explain it that way. Yeah anyone who demands pictures of an outfit they sent you is a total narcissist and nut job. I mean it's nice when someone does send pics of the baby in the whatever, but I never ever think they'll have time for that.
So like pp said sounds like this is about control and boundaries - and she is BSC. Yeah I guess you just need to tell her no thanks and keep telling her that. Good luck!
I would just tell her that I would also like the experience of picking out her first Christmas, New Years, etc. outfits. It's very special, it's the first one.
I also have a lot of family trying to give things to us. While it's very nice of them, I also want to shop for all the fun baby stuff (just like they did). I say thank you & we will let them know if we need anything.
This--totally!
I don't understand what's so hard about saying no thank you.
I don't mind when people ASK me if I want something, or offer it. I also don't mind if someone gives me something and says "if you want it and can put it to use great, if not you can sell, return, give back to me" etc.
I do get angry when my mom buys me unsafe baby items, i.e. a 60 year old wobbley wooden highchair and expects me to to use it/ gets offended when I decline.
I think in most situations people are trying to be helpful, however I must admit that when my mother gives me a baby item thats outdated and ragged, especially when its her first and only grandchild I do get hurt. If this is something along the lines of what your relative is doing, I can relate.
I would be gracious and take it. I'm sure you'll have more than one Christmas event to attend so she could easily wear it to something that isn't the MAIN Christmas event. Is it ugly? Or just not the perfect thing?
With my DD we didn't have any hand me downs because I have no nieces and most of my friends have boys. This time we are getting TONS of hand me downs and I am so so so grateful. Do I love it all? No. But babies grow so fast that I refuse to be picky. I will surely buy my son some special things, but I am not going to complain about others' generosity.
Put your daughter in the outfit, take a photo, send it to SIL and call it a day. Tell her you already have an outfit in mind for Christmas Day, but you will use it either before or after Christmas(there are 12 Days of Christmas).
Just don't take it then. Tell her you want a special first Christmas dress for your daughter and let it be.
Whenever I give hand me downs, I always say, "Are you interested in some of DS or DD's clothes?" If they say yes, I put together a pile. If they say no, I either put it on ebay or drop it off at a charity.
My sister is like this too (I posted the same kind of question earlier). She will be mad if I don't take what she's offering! It's not as simple to just say, "No thanks."
I'm thinking of concocting a story about someone else buying me something (in my case, the baby bedding) as a gift.
My SIL is just like this! She has a 6 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. We don't even know what we're having, but she told us we should go through 8 TUBS of clothing in her garage and pick out what we want. We can return it to her when our kids outgrow it so she can share it with someone else.
First, this means that the clothes have probably been worn by numerous other kids, and I know my SIL's kids are messy and their friends are too. I don't want stained clothes, esp. for my first child! (And especially when my mom says over 80 people are invited to my shower... I can register for LOTS of clothes then and my mom and grandma always find great deals on new stuff!)
Second, how am I supposed to remember which clothes are hers? If I'm giving a gift, I'm not going to make someone give it back at the end, unless it's something like a Pack N Play or High Chair.
She did give us a car seat that she used for her daughter (for 2-year-olds, not an infant one). Is there an expiration date on car seats? My mom and sister heard there was, and I don't want to use a 6 year old car seat if the exp. is 4 years or something.
I have family members who act like this too, so I know that if can be a pain to say no to them. I would take the dress, snap a picture of her in it as proof, and then dress her in what you want. If SIL says something I would say "Thank you for giving us the dress, but my mom bought her this one and it is really important to me that she wear it today"
or something to that extent. The mom excuse always works for me. Mom definitely trumps SIL
It is also really petty when the person offering it to you gets offended. My step mom is a yard sale junkie and calls every Saturday asking if I want this or that- all useless junk- and sends me pictures of hideous furniture she wants to buy for us... I understand she is trying to be helpful but we don't need any of that and would prefer to get furniture after we test it out ourselves! She gets all huffy and pissed EVERYTIME and tells us we are ungrateful. I'm sorry I'm picky and have my own opinions for what I want and don't want!
This exactly.
11-15-08
12-1-10
First, I think you're being silly. You can't have too many clothes, and you don't know if they're stained. It sounds like she's being really nice to offer you hand-me-downs. I'd go through them and take what you want. My SIL lent us clothes that she wants back. We just marked the tag with a star so I would remember what she gave us. No big deal at all.
Second, yes car seats have expiry dates.
OMG this is my SIL EXACTLY!! I didn't want to post anything about her going to yard sales because I know a lot of people on here go to them too, but I cannot (again, due to my OCD I just can't do it, but I don't knock people who do go to them). Well, she lives at yard sales and I know most of her kids things are from yard sales (except the stuff that we get her or my ILs get her). Usually when she sends DS a present there's never a tag on it, so I know that's where she got it. Ehh, whatever. Like I said, she'll probably never send the dress, but I just hate having to seem ungrateful when she tells me she wants to send me something.