- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Stay at Home Moms
Anyone's DH turn into a total A$$ after you became a SAHM?
I am a smart, educated woman---3 degrees in Education, taught for 9 years. We moved a year ago to a city we really like (better than where we lived in Atlanta) and there were no teaching jobs open in my certification areas last year or this year. I'm ok with being a SAHM although I've struggled with it since day 1.
Lately DH has been a major A$$ about anything housework related. I take care of a 3 year old and a always grumpy newborn all day long and it is hard to get stuff done around the house but I manage. He thinks I should do it all and essentially I do but need help. He tends to rub it in my face that he makes the money and told me tonight that being a SAHM was my choice. I don't think so dude--we moved from somewhere I've lived since I was 7 (I'm 32) so he could start his own company (yes in this economy) and there were no teaching positions. He tells me that he can't find any other father that does as much as he does...works, takes one night feeding, yard work.
I am looking for something part time, maybe a homebound teacher--they are accepting apps in this system, but I feel like if I even attempt to work, it will be even harder. I still will have to do all the laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, parenting, etc along with working part time in the evenings. I'm already on anti depressants, was before I got pregnant and then again starting 2nd tri....just couldn't handle the depression/nausea/move to a new city/transition thing without it.
I've teetered on the edge of moving to the bonus room and tonight pushed me farther to that edge. I told him I am seriously beginning to not like him....sounds like a teenager but it is true. I feel such hatred towards him right now....we typically don't fight and get along exceptionally well so when we do get to this point, it is usually pretty bad.
Any advice, suggestions, anything? On the verge of tears and moving upstairs.....how in the hell does this happen when you've only been married 5.5 years!?
Megan--Mommy to Owen 1.10.07 and Gibson 5.11.10
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Anyone's DH turn into a total A$$ after you became a SAHM?
DH is similar, in that he's TOTALLY traditional and thinks his job = work and my job = taking care of the house and kids.
He doesn't clean, but if the house is a mess he complains. He doesn't fix meals, but if I feed the kids late he complains. He doesn't bathe them, put them in bed, get up in the night AT ALL. Yes, he mows the yard and he changes the oil in the cars. Grrrr........
Quite honestly, I'm fine doing the housework even though I hate it and suck at cleaning. And I'm fine taking care of the kids. I, however, am NOT fine doing ALL of it ALL the time while he actually has time off to play and dink around in the garage and have "alone time."
He doesn't get it. Any discussion ends in an argument, so I usually just drop it and shut up. I'm 36w pg with boy #3 (we have a 37mo and 21mo, along with 8yo SD), and I have informed him that I WILL NEED A LOT OF HELP when this one comes along. I'm seriously hoping the baby is difficult and makes it impossible for me to do anything. Lol.
I also want to leave for a couple days and make DH keep the kids. He would die and we both know it, and yet he acts like I have it easy just sitting around on my butt all day.
I think the stress of kids and sleep deprevation gets to you after a while. I think it's a bit unfair he rubs it in your face that he makes the money when you have a very important job as well staying home. I think he should offer to give you a break from time to time even if he does work and help you around the house.
I remember having to sit down and explain to my sweetie how overwhelmed I was and that this was all 50/50. Just because he worked didn't mean he got to walk in the door and be done. I also had worked all day and he always has a meal on the table as well as I kept the house mostly clean but I need help as well. There are the outside things he does, but it's nice to have him watch the kids so I can shower, clean upstairs, pay bills, work on my school work for example.
I also like when he helps around the house or with the kids, or just watches one or two of them so I can go to the store in return I give him time just the same. Everyone needs "me" time to feel sane. So we have spilt things and he helps me and we have saturday date nights. Now that we are communicating better and have "me" time even if it's just a shower it makes a difference. Trust me you aren't alone.
Tell your dh to be a man and get over it. Seriously, I'm never snarky on here but this kind of thing makes me so mad. Maybe I'm a biitch but I would never stand for that.
Also, tell him he isn't the only husband who works and helps out around the house. DH works. He also is almost always the one who gets up at night when ds does because at this point if I go in and back out ds gets all worked up and it turns into an hour long ordeal instead of one or two minutes. He helps me pick up the house. Helps cook. We don't have a yard, but if we did he would be the one taking care of that.
Posts like this just make me so thankful that my dh is man enough to do what is good for his family.
I wasn't going to reply because I have so many things to say, I can't get them all organized. But my #1 advice would be for you both to dig deeper and figure out what the problem really is. i think you are just scratching the surface. And I bet it is going to be pretty hard to get your DH to dive in and explore his real feelings, issues, and concerns. Doesn't sound like he is too in to that type of stuff. This is a bigger issue (for both of you) than housework. GL
ETA: and to answer the title of your post: NO. We have had hurdles to overcome, and changes and compromises to make. Some times have been easier than others. But NO, he did not turn into a total ass.
Your husbandf is going to need to step up if he wants to stay happily married.
Moving from one child to two children can put lots of pressure on your marriage. That first six months are a killer, because you're not getting much sleep and there's an exponential increase in the amount of work required to care for multiple children.
I'd tell him if he doesn't like the condition of the house, that he can either help out more with household chores, or he can agree to hire a cleaning service 2x a month. Tell him it's cheaper than divorce.
Ditto all of this.
I am sorry you are going through this, I could not live like that for a couple of days, much less long-term. My H completely respects what I do and frequently tells me that I have the harder job.
He does the cooking the majority of the time, bath time with the kids and we have a lawn service but he does the rest of the outside stuff. I handle the rest of the cleaning, but if I'm cleaning the kitchen after the kids go to sleep he will often sweep so that I can get done faster to relax with him.
As for the money, I was the one that had a hard time spending anything on myself once I started staying home. He had to remind me it was our money, not his.
He needs to understand this isn't about what other men do - this is about what the two of you need w/in your marriage. Plus, yard work is not a daily thing. To even throw that in is laughable. So, he thinks making money and taking one night feeding makes him a great dad?
taking care of two children is a full-time job. How much time has he actually spent alone w/ the two kids? My advice- make him do it. Try it for a day - a FULL day. you go out for the day and he stays home. Perhaps that's another reality check that will make him realize how much work 2 kids is.
But I also agree- I think there is more going on here and both of you really need to figure out what teh real issues are.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Heck, I was thinking more like a week (go visit family or friends). But if you only do it for the day, I'd tell him "I expect the house to be clean, dinner on the table, the kids bathed and in bed, etc". Whatever you get done in a day HE has to do the same.
I've deffinatly tried that one. It didnt really work out so well. I came home to DS trapped in the play pen surronded by toys screaming and everything on the list done and DH playing video games. I honestly think that men have a higher tolerance to LO's crying then we do. I mean it was very obvious that DS wanted attention and to be held and played with and I asked my husband why he was ignoring him and my husband seriously said "you baby him too much." I said "Newsflash he is a baby and he has needs... how would you know by sitting there ignoring him that he needs a bottle or a diaper change or just wants to be played with?" He's never done that (or at least let me catch him) again.
Its true that sometimes my DH is a real *** about housework...especially when I let dishes stack up. But I cant help it I really hate doing dishes and will do everything in my power to avoid them especially since we have to handwash. If I had a dishwasher It deffinatly would be less impossible for me to get them done! But I think if dishes are the only thing they complain about then i've done a good job otherwise.
I'm sorry, but your husband is being a complete a$$. I know that a relationship can face strain when there's a SAH parent because one side feels overworked and misunderstood/taken for granted while the other side generally feels the same.
But, you can tell your husband that he can look at my father when I was growing up. My dad worked 60 hour weeks so he could support our family of six, while ensuring Mom stayed home with his four daughters.
-He worked the graveyard shift 5 nights a week + overtime.
-In addition to that, he was in charge of our bathtime-book-pajamas routine before he left for work EVERY night.
-In addition to that, he spent a lot of time playing with us because that was important to him.
-In addition to that, he did the yardwork on our acre plot EVERY week. This means weed-eating, mowing and trimming.
-He attended three church services a week, plus did a lot of work at the church (sound control/usher/accounting).
-Finally, in addition to that, he had no less than 2-3 people's computers/laptops to work on as he's a tech.
While I'm sure your husband works hard, handling one night feeding, work like every other working class AND doing the yardwork, is not THAT hard and there are plenty people who work harder than him.
As for my Dad, he still does all of that except the children involved part. That's graduated to spending time with his two grandsons, one of which is there daily.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with that. To be honest, if my DH acted like that, it would not be tolerated at all. You need to find a way to talk to him about this so that he can see how much you are actually doing.
I would either tell him to sit down and make a list of what he does during the day, and how long each item takes, etc., and then compare with a list of your day that you wrote up, OR, I would tell him that unless he is willing to do your job for a few days while you tune out, you don't want to hear him complaining.
I hope you guys can work it out. Two kids are a lot of work. I'm sure he has the easier job.
No, DH did not turn into an a@@ after DS was born and I stayed home. We both work. My job (taking care of DS) happens to be in the home. If during the day I can get some laundry done, vaccume, or get an errand done then bonus to my "job" of taking care of DS.
I am very lucky AND grateful and thank him on a regular basis that DH is such a big help. Sure I feel bad I can't/don't do it all but am thankful he doesn't seem to care.
When I worked outside of the home we both split chores then too, so why wouldn't we continue to do so?
No, absolutely not! I think he's being downright disrespectful to you. When DS was born and my job became SAHM the emphasis has been put on MOM. I am here every day for DS, and trust me he couldn't care less if this house was clean... he does his best to destroy anything I do get done. I try to keep the house picked up, but being this pregnant that doesn't happen as much as it used to. Major housework is shared 50/50 w/ DH (except laundry... I prefer he doesn't even try there LOL). He works full time, and even cooks sometimes. When our LO's are little he gets up with every waking. When the girls arrive that will not change. He'll be getting up and changing a diaper while I start feeding. Once I've got them latched he goes back to sleep. He also goes to the store when I need it and can't get there myself. Oh and he's responsible for yard work too. If I were you I'd be telling your DH to pull on his big boy underwear and grow up!