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Blended Families
VENT: soon to be SS and SD
I am really needing to vent and so to clear my head and be okay with everything. I am to marry SO next month and with that taking on a SD 11yrs old and a SS 7 yrs old. The custody agreement is 50/50, we take them every other week. This is a new agreement btw, it used to be SO had weekends and Wed's. But anyway. We dont live together yet, we will in a few weeks because of my lease. So...the vent....
I feel like maybe I'm too critical or something. But SS doesn't know how to tie his shoes or ride a bike, he sucks his thumb all the time, is overly affectionate attached type of boy to his dad (always wants to be carried or sits in his lap). SD has a HUGE attitude, constantly talks back, has an attitude, and constantly getting on to SS for how annoying he is (like he's breathing). I can't really describe how they are too much to type out. But they both act spoiled, overly affectionate (I'm not saying affection is bad, just how they want to always sit on daddy's lap in public and complain they can't be carried anymore, seems odd to me)
I feel like I am at my wit's end when I am with them. They are so disrespectful to SO and demand so much from him. I just dont understand how they can behave this way! SO and I have had long long long talks about their behavior and how it is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated when we live together. But yet I dont know how much input I can say to him or even to the children. I dont want to be evil step mom who has tons of rules, but geez! They are just horrible sometimes.
I am embarrassed being in public with them, I understand kids misbehave sometimes, throw tantrums, etc. I get it, I have two neices and used to work in the schools, but them! Really? all the time have to be lil' buggers. I kind of feel like I dont know what to do. Soon SO and I will have our own LO and will be raised soooo completley different then them, but I dont want my LO to be influenced by their bad behaviors. I know it will take time, but ugh.
SO is trying to get them more under control, so to speak, but BM doesn't have rules or punishes them for anything. So, really these rules that will be enforced will only take place at our home. BM also doesn't agree to help teach SS to tie his shoes, so we are the only ones making him learn it.
I'm just sooo stressed....taking on these kids is not going to be easy, I just feel like I dont know what to do or how to act around them anymore. The behavior has always been there, this was how they were raised without consequences, just SO never really took care of it till he got with me and I said something. Then also, he went to my neice's bday yesterday who turned 12, and saw how she behaved, and I think it really made him think how his own daughter behaves nothing like my neice.
I just feel bad....maybe I am thinking way too much, but they are exhausting.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: VENT: soon to be SS and SD
Lurker with a recommendation for you:
Check out the books The Happy Stepmother and Stepmonster. Despite what a lot of people will tell you, what you are feeling is NORMAL and there are things you can do to make the transition smoother and everybody happier. Don't take it personally if you get a lot of judgment (here or elsewhere)---it's a very complicated and delicate thing becoming a stepmom and blending a family. Every situation is different, but these two books describe a LOT of the common problems and common stresses for stepmoms and what to do. Good luck!
I do agree that what you are feeling is somewhat normal, partly b/c of the SF situation but partly b/c you are probably nervous with a wedding coming. But I am also very concerned that in a few months after living with them that you will have serious regrets about this marriage and family. You need to either find a solution (more likely you accept it for what it is than them changing in a few weeks) or put the wedding and moving in on hold. I realize that you will feel horrible if you do this and you will feel that you look bad but you need to do what is right for yourself and not proceed into a situation you are not happy with. I agree with you that it is weird for a 7yo to sit on his father's lap..and the 11yo! My cousin's kids were like this and the 16yo still is weirdly affectionate so I know what you mean. Either there is a real issue going on that is undiagnosed or they are just strangly affectionate and probably more so b/c they do not want to lose Daddy's attention to you and therefore hang on him, he has allowed it all this time and if he tells them to stop b/c you are moving in they will resent all of you. I think you can make some rules but I also do not think that you can change overnight the way they interact.
Is this the family you want? Only you can answer but you need to realize the issues will still be there after you move in, they might not be big deals to some but huge deals to you possibly.
Wow....where to begin.
Why oh why are you entering into a marriage that will start off rocky due to this? I dont see blue skys ahead for you.
If your SO doesnt like the way they behave why did he let it get this far? Now when he sets down rules it will seem as if the rules are YOUR rules. The kids will resent you for it and I can guarantee it wont be fun for anyone!
I think that mostly you have a SO problem here. He needs to be willing to lay down the law and stick to it. There is no excuse. He has them 50% of the time, and they are old enough to understand that there are rules and consequences in your home.
As for SS and his being overly affectionate. My SS was like this too, and to a point still is. I am not sure why, but if I had to guess it is his way of marking his territory so to speak. When he was 9-12ish he would snuggle on the couch with H, ask him to lay in bed with him til he fell asleep. Which I found super super weird. By the 11 to 12 range H started to say no. That he would not do that. He would try to distance himself a bit in certain situations. Again, I know what you are feeling here. I will say though that your SS is 7, and will likely grow out of this. There could be some attachment issues here as well. I know for my SS it was always worse when a long period of time passed that he didn't get to come over or visits were sparatic.
The tying of the shoes/riding the bike thing-why don't you guys teach him? He is 7, not 3. If you do these things with him weekly he will get it, unless he perhaps has some sort of fine motor skill issues.
As for SD, a lot of that sounds like normal 11 yo attitude, especially coming from a girl. That does not make it acceptable, and your SO needs to step up and let her know this.
And you are right, blending a family is not easy, even in the best of circumstances. You need to decide if this is the life you want to lead. Chances are there will always be behaviors that you do not approve of. The question is, how will you and your SO handle them? Is he willing to step up and parent, to create and enforce rules? Is he willing to allow you to parent them as well (seeing as they will be with you so much)? If he isn't how happy will you be? How will you deal with that? Can you deal with that?
People really think it's odd for a 7 year old to be affectionate with his father? Is it the age or because he's a boy? My SD snuggles with her father on the couch when they watch movies and she's 7 and it doesn't strike me as odd at all.
I agree with whoever said that the children being overly affectionate may be marking their territory. How used to you being around are they? They may be a little worried about how things will change when you move in. Honestly, as their step-mother I would not do anything to "correct" what you deem as overly affectionate. The children could interupt it as you trying to interfere with their relationship with their father. If he also feels it's inappropriate, let him handle that one. I am all for step-parents setting rules and boundaries and enforcing them, to a degree, in their homes but for this particular one I think your SO has to be the one to handle. And yes, the attitude sounds age appropriate as well. That doesn't mean you don't correct it, because you do, it's just that it's a normal part of growing up to test boundaries.
You've said that you and your SO have had long talks and both agree that this isn't going to be acceptable in your home so now it's time to focus on what you'll do, together, to change the situation. Good luck! And remember that this is going to be an adjustment for everyone so try to be patient.
Just a thought, from someone who's been there:
My father, brother, and I are very affectionate toward each other (and just about everyone else, we are just affectionate people). It's not an "attachment issue" nor is it "weird" that a man's children love him and want to be around him. Perhaps they are seeking his attention and don't know how to connect with him on a "big kid" level. But honestly, they're probably just "huggy" people, and want to show their affection for their father.
Once, my SM decided that my dad and I were "too affectionate" and that it was my fault. She told me that if people saw me kiss my dad on the cheek, or sit in his lap in public (I was about 14, and this was almost immediately following an incident at a family reunion where there were no chairs. I sort of "sat" on my dad's knee rather than sitting on the ground outside because I didn't want to get my dress dirty) then they would think that there was something wrong with us, and assume he was molesting me. Not only was it the most awkward and hurtful conversation I've ever had with her (she seemed to think this was all my fault, I was doing it on purpose to embarass her, or make people think my dad was a perv [?!] etc) but it also was wrong; no one thought that. Why would they?
Bottom line is this: don't marry this guy if you can't accept the way he is with his kids. Your life won't be the only one you're ruining. If you want to "make it work", accept that there are some things you can't, and shouldn't try to, change. Behavioral problems, sure, those should be fixed...but being affectionate is not one.
This.
There is so much wrong with this situation I can't even begin. I'm sorry but WTH were you thinking getting pregnant without even seeing if you can deal with his current children full time? I understand people have babies before they get married, I get that, but you haven't even LIVED with this guy and his children, and you don't even like them when you don't live with them.
As it is, I would put the wedding on hold until you have lived with him and his children for at least 6 months or more. Make sure that you two can make this situation work before you compound one mistake with another.
Oh, and you might want to consider family therapy so everyone is on the same page. Your SO wouldn't be the first on here to say he is going ot disapline his children differently and then not follow through so he doesn't risk his childrens affections.
Think of it this way, when your baby arrives your SO might be more focused on making sure his children don't feel left out, vs taking care of you 24/7. Could you handle that? Could you handle not being first? Could you handle his kids whining and crying at him everytime he is with you and the baby? Could you deal with him letting them get away with murder because he feels guilty for spending time with you and the new baby? Not judging, it's just some things to consider. These are real issues that are talked about all the time on here. You really need to prepare yourself.
Do you know what the kids are like at school by any chance?
I think if your biggest problems are thumb-sucking and sitting on his lap, you've got it pretty good.
Honestly, their behaviors might simply be a way to get attention and get under your skin. My guess is there is a 75% chance if you act like all is normal and welcome the affection without treating it like a behavioral issue, they'll outgrow it and move on.
I'm headed in a similar direction. DSKs (DSD 14yo and DSS 7yo) are moving in with us full-time in six days. From what you're saying, I think nerves is one of your big issues. I am scared beyond belief. We've been talking about the kids, how to raise them...rules, etc but until they arrive and we see how things go, nothing but the thought that things will be fine makes me feel any better. Last night one of my friends told me that I should stop worrying...after all, there is nothing I can do at this point.
As for the affection part, my dad is on his fourth marriage. I watched my half-sister hang onto my dad for dear life when he remarried after he divorced her mom. She felt semi-abandoned by her mom and would hang on my dad to the point that my new step-mother felt uncomfortable...and so did I. That will change as they grow and realize that Dad is not going to abandon them for you but that they will be included in your life as a couple. These are big changes for kids and all they want is security.
Sounds like SO has encountered some eye-opening situations and will, hopefully, enforce rules, etc once you're there. It sounds as though you've already had some discussions and that he values your opinion so, my only advice on that front is to keep the communication open between you two. He might need you to help him stay in check as he changes his parenting styles. Good luck!
Since PP's have addressed the other issues I'm going to address the 7 year old who can't tie his shoes.
Is he left handed?
I only ask because I am and didn't learn how to tie my shoes until I was 8 or so. Both of my parents tried to teach me but they are right-handed and what they were doing looked backwards to me.
My left-handed cousin came to visit us for a weekend and I learned from her.
DH and I have decided that if DD is right handed it will be his job to teach her to tie her shoes. I'll do it if she's a lefty.
Just a thought!
My SS was very affectionate as a 7yo - snuggling on the couch, etc. He was willing to hold hands in public until 10, well past when most kids stop holding hands willingly, and he'd hold my hand just as fast as he'd hold DH's. It's just the way he was. He grew out of it. I do think it was partly an attachment thing - and I don't mean that in a bad way. He didn't see his dad during the week, so I think that being physically close to him was much more important to him, just like really little kids are extra clingy in the evenings after being in daycare all day.
But if they are doing it only in public, or turning it up a notch in public, then I'd say they are feeling left out or maybe if your reaction is clearly negative they are doing it to get your goat.
FWIW, SS couldn't ride a bike until he was 8 or 9... and actually, neither could I. But it was fun to be a part of trying to teach him.
I think that seeing a difference in maturity level between your 12you neice and 11yo SD is no big deal. Kids mature at different rates. And especially if your SD just finished elementary school and your neice has has a year of middle school, there should be a fairly big difference.
I know a lot of people already answered you, but I'll throw in my $.02 since i have a 7 yo SS. First - read StepMonster - seriously - and your FI should read it to - it describes everything you are saying.
Second - a child should learn how to tie their shoes on Kindergarten. I taught my SS by buying him lace shoes (BM only buys velcro) and sitting with him many, many times talking about the rabbit going through the loop, yada, yada. If he has a hard time making the loop and going round (I did as a child) make 2 loops and tie them together - that's how I learned and still do it. But honestly, it only takes patience and time. The bike riding - thats a parent issue - kids don't teach themsleves, so Dad should be out there showing him how. Again - time and patience.
The overly affectionate thing - I agree with you - a 7 year old shuold not be carried, but snuggling at home is not an issue. My SS still wants to snuggle with me or Dad when we are watching TV or sitting by the fire, and thats normal, but lap sitting and carrying is weird (IMO).
Lastly, both youand FI should read up on discipline styles. Find one you like and stick with it - children can have different rules at different houses. We use Smart Discipline at our house and we love it - but BM doesn't believe in discipline or chores. SS knows how to act at each house and we never have problems!
Good Luck with baby, moving in, and your relationship. Read StepMonster - you will cry when you realize how much you relate to it!
I just wanted to respond as well to let you know you are not alone. I'm a new step mom and have a SS who is 3 1/2 years old. When I started dating my DH his son was 10 months old, so I have had some hand in raising him and helping my SO. If I did not think my SO was a good dad that would have been a deal breaker. Since SS birth my DH and BM have had 50/50 custody, but recently there was a change in custody due to BM breaking the law.
To make a long story short we now have 100 percent physical and legal custody and BM has visitation. Changing to full custody during my first pregnancy has been a challenge. I just wanted to say that there are many things that bother me, such as BM not giving her son a nap, not disciplining him, not having a stable environment for him etc. There are so many things, such as wishing to have time alone with my LO when she gets here.. but I keep remembering that when I married my DH I knew I would have to accept his son, his situation with BM and support and love him the best that I could.
I know it's frustrating, and I find myself to be even more frustrated as I prepare for my own family. I feel bad even writing this but I think we all want the best for our own LO.