I'm having a bad night...

I am so filled with hate and anger towards ex-Fi right now that it is hard to describe.

I hate how I feel as if I missed the first 4 months of LOs life. That time is gone to me now and I have nothing to show for it except misery and anger and loneliness. 

I hate that he is mad because I think he will try to dodge helping to pay for LO. Since I've mostly supported his A$$ for almost 4 freaking years I believe I am justified in my thinking he will do so

 I hate that he didn't tell me that he didn't pay some of my lab work bills due back in March and I only found the notices this week while cleaning the desk and packing his stuff. I spent the last of my meager savings paying off those bills. 

I hate that he started filling in LO's baby book and convinced me not to do her newborn handprints just footprints which are double imaged because he didn't want to do a trial run on plain paper first. Now those prints are lost to me forever because he already took her baby book since I didn't fill anything in yet. 

I hate how he is already trying to tell me he has changed when I realized how much better off I am with out him. I don't ever want to see him again and don't trust him to provide LO with the care she needs. I really want to say that he can only have visitation under my parents supervision. 

I hate how LO needs prescription formula for milk/soy protein allergy and will also need a helmet. How the heck am I suppose to pay for this when she and I live on $1400 a month. I've already got all the government aid I can except subsidized child care (which I can't get because we don't have an open child support case). I can't believe I have to do this on my own because he couldn't get off his butt and get a freaking job to help me.

I hate that he wasn't here for me during the pregnancy and blame him for my blood pressure sky rocketing at the end because not only was I taking care of myself and the apartment but him also. I was supposed to be on bed rest but had to get up to get my own food and drink which need cooking...so I probably should have told my doctor to leave me at the hospital on bedrest. 

I hate that I have wasted 5 years of my life with him when someone better could have been standing right next to me. Someone who would have been a partner. 

 I hate that he played the suicidal card on me and I actually believed him and begged him not to hurt himself. 

 Part of me wants him to show up tonight so I can say all this to him but I know he is way off on the rig site. SO I am very tempted to write him an email with all this but I am going to be opening a child support case with or without his consent because I think it would be in Keira's best interest.

I really want to just hold LO while she sleeps and calm down but she griped at me when I tried just a little while ago so I guess I'll need something else to calm me down. I don't know where this anger came from but I am furious with him for wasting so much of my time and energy.