VENT: Going to have it out with MIL.... (IFR)

SLPMel · July 2010

My MIL and I have had issues since we practically met. I have tried my hardest to relax around her (because it was only making it worse) and to her credit, she seemed to be relaxing, commenting less, staying out of other peoples business. She has been known to cross boundaries, share personal information that isn't hers to share, and to "meddle" between relationships of her 3 sons (for example, will tell J that M said this to her about him or that C is okay with M not having him in the wedding party). You are left with the bomb of information and it didn't come from the person, nor is the person there, so it's like what are you supposed to do with it?

The sharing of personal information to me is the worst. Like MIL told my mom at my bridal shower about how SIL (who she never met) is Bipolar and how she cheated on my BIL. Who does that? It was like 3 years after it happened, they are doing great, and have really worked hard to get to where they are.

SIL and BIL are also having IF difficulties. Even though they have been TTC longer than we are, we are further along because we went to a specialist after 5 months, and they are still only trying Clomid (unmonitored) at the OB/GYN. I know that MIL will inform DH about what is going on with them. I don't trust that she isn't doing the same with our information-and I need to make sure that she understands this.

The biggest thing that started this is on Friday night she drops the bomb on me that "it's probably because she's a mom, but she knows that SIL would really like to have a relationship with me". Of course, I'm confused as h*ll because I have tried to make plans with SIL and BIL, and they never take us up on it. SIL never calls me, she has not returned emails before, they live an hour and a half away. I'm not really a phone person at all. They rarely invite us down. So, now I'm trying to explain to MIL all the things I've done, and that a relationship needs two active participants, and how many times do you ask people to make plans and they don't take you up on it, and she tells me "well, sometimes with family you have to try harder".

And then once I think about it, it's like, what the he** just happened? I'm 29 and SIL in 31, and why did I even have that conversation with my MIL at 29???

So, I'm going to put my foot down. I'm going to call MIL on all this, and make sure that she is NOT sharing our information with anybody else (family included) and that if this ever comes up with any of our SIL's or BIL's that she does not meddle in the middle and tells them that if they have a problem with us, we are adults and to please discuss it with us. This needs to stop.

UGH, sorry it is so long. Let's hope I live through this!

bodybuilderswife · July 2010

GL with your talk!

jms26 · July 2010

I have a MIL just like that... and don't take this wrong, but putting your foot down probably wont help. If she is anything like my MIL she will turn it around on you and wonder "why you are picking on her when she is just trying to be helpful"! and then things dont change, because she has been that same gossipy person for 63 years now!!! 1 year ago exactly, my MIL blabed that my SIL/BIL were expecting, and they specifically had said they wanted to tell us themselves, not to mention a few other family members. MIL thought that it was her right since she is the g'ma. We just started distancing ourselves, and NOT sharing much information. This has helped SOOO much, and mostly all we get is an occasional "we just arent as close as we used to be"... which I can handle! Hope this helps

bluejane · July 2010

I agree with not saying anything..It will probably make matters worse, she'll share your talk with the family and you'll be stuck with more explaining. I have the same type of in-laws and I made sure DH didn't tell anyone about TTC..wasn't hard he knows how they are..I of course haven't told my family either. maybe you should try to say less so she has less to repeat. You really don't need the added stress MIL can bring! GL with whatever you decide.

AmyChristine15 · July 2010

This MIL of yours is EXACTLY like mine! Same personality at least. My DH and I are TTC and have only been married since Oct. 2009. April 2010, was at a wedding with DH's side of family when I got the comment from 4 YES... 4 people saying "Oh, I hear you went off the Nuva Ring and you guys are trying! Any news?" I was SOOOO angry! DH told MIL, who then had to blab it to EVERYONE! Thats WAYYYY too much info to just spill to everyone. I was extremely upset. I then was emailing with MIL and explained to her how I really don't want to share my private life with anyone and that I would appreciate it if she keeps info. that she knows about us (b/c my DH sometimes tells her stuff that she probably prys out of him) to herself if she wants to be in the loop about us TTC. From my experience, it was better to put my foot down. Only one comment from family the last wedding we went to in June. When my MIL overheard, she looked at me with this "Sorry about that" face. Good luck, and I hope your relationship gets better. You shouldn't have to try harder to have a relationship. It's a two-way situation.

SLPMel · July 2010

Wow-240 views and only 4 replies? Big Smile

Thanks ladies-it's so difficult to deal with this all. I sat down with her and a lot came out while we were talking. As soon as I said "well, did she say something?" it became, "well, no she's never said anything. I just know that I grew up as an only child and that I would have liked to have people I was close with, etc". I explained that when she talks for someone else it put me in a tough position because we are given info and don't know what to do with it. She said she had good intentions behind it-and I said, well what did you want me to do with the information? And she said, "well, nothing, it was just a casual comment".

I also emailed my SIL in case there had been something that she had mentioned that made MIL say something, but she didn't know, and she feels like our relationship is fine and that she (like I!) wish we could spend more time together.

SIL told me not to bring it up with MIL because it would be worthless-but I've seen her do too much "damage" with speaking for people.

I also mentioned to MIL that I'd really appreciate that she keep what is going on private, especially as we move on to IVF and success/failure, and when we could be comfortable telling and sharing, so please let us make the decision when/how and if people are told. She said "of course, I wouldn't tell people" but this is also the woman that told us that SIL's clomid didn't work, so I'm taking it with a grain of salt!

Thanks ladies so much for your replies-I appreciated so much being about to vent here with people that somewhat understand! It's hard when this hits you at 6 AM and you are staying in IL's house!

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