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Blended Families
Opinions wanted - mini vacation w/ out the whole family.
My moms 60th birthday is the end of October, she lives in TX, I'm in NY. I'm planning on flying out there to surprise her. (and hopefully have a couple of her out of town friends also fly in)
I'll be bringing the new baby with me for sure, she will only be around 2-2 1/2 months old and I'll be breastfeeding.
I would like to also bring my 7 year old DD, DH says its not fair to his kids (age 15/16 by then) if I do this.
There is no way we will be able to afford 4 plane tickets, it might even be a non-issue because I might not even have enough extra $ to get a ticket for DD. (my maternity leave is unpaid)
Is he right? I guess I shouldn't call him DH, we aren't married yet, only engaged. We've been living together for almost 6 years now, own a house together, cars etc.
Since my mom is so far away she isn't super close w/ his kids. She comes up 1-2 times a year, and always gets them gifts for Christmas and birthdays, but obviously its not the same to her or to the older kids as it is if she were their real grandma. They don't call her "nonni" or grandma.. they call her by her first name.
I understand where DH is coming from to a point, but then again the older girls do stuff w/ their mom/step-dads side of the family that my DD gets left out of. Its just one of those things.... and its not like this trip will be a vacation vacation. It will be me hanging out w/ my mom and maybe seeing a couple old friends from high school.
So, ok or not ok to bring my older DD but not SD1/SD2 ? The trip would be a long weekend trip, and they would have to miss 2-3 days of school (if that makes a difference)
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Re: Opinions wanted - mini vacation w/ out the whole family.
and they would have to miss 2-3 days of school (if that makes a difference)
I am not a fan of kids missing school - in this case this would be a major "no" factor in addition to it not being a vacation vacation.
I think you're okay to take DD and not you SD's. They are old enough to understand and probably wouldn't want to go anyway.
I took just DS with me on a trip in May. If DH were able to come we talked about taking SS but that ended up being a mute point when DH didn't come with. Plus I don't think BM would have let him come.
FYI - under 2 yrs old fly free.....in your lap of course.
EDIT: OOPs missed the 7 yr old is DD too sorry!
I don't think what any one of us says should really matter, unless you happen to be married to someone on the BF board.
I understand you might think you're right and you want our support, but it's his hurt feelings and loss of family unity you need to deal with.
I'm not sure that being married or not makes a difference...you still play a role in their lives. I'm not sure they may see a difference. I was a step-child while a teenager and would have been hurt had I not been invited but then again, I may have not wanted to go...I'd consider DH's side of things.
Life is not fair. It is unfair if your DD has to miss things just because her step-siblings cannot go. And I will give the oh so annoying comment about what happens if they get to go somewhere or do something with their BM, does DH say no they cannot go because it is unfair to your DD? I think it is totally fine and normal for your DD to go visit and the SKs not get to go.
And I cannot remember but do your SKs live with you?
First of all, their father is not even coming. So why they would feel the need is beyond me....
OTHER than to try and make some "equality/fairness" point that is never reciprocated when they go places with their mother.
My SS is going on a 10 day cruise with his mother in a couple weeks. Good on him, he will enjoy it.
But he did not ONCE think - "I should not go because my half-sister is not going to be able to do such a cool thing." He did, however, have a small pouty-party when he overheard (listened into a conversation DH and I were having in our bed - when he should have been asleep) DH and I talking about going to the International Hot Air Balloon festival for a weekend trip.
And while it is not a tit-for-tat thing, I am not going to deny Monkey the opportunties to do those things that only occur in the summer because he is not here.
Events that you may want to go to are going to happen all of the time. We miss out on them for a variety of reasons. Forcing OTHER people to not get to enjoy them is pretty darn selfish IMO.
I mean, if we really wanted to go down this road, DH could very well tell SS that he cannot go on the cruise since his sister is not going to be able to go.
I don't think the fact we are not married makes a difference to us, the girls refer to me as their step-mom, I've been living w/ them for almost 6 years now. I only mentioned that because I think it makes a difference in my moms relationship w/ them and theirs w/ her. I think she is making more of an effort NOW because we are engaged and have a baby on the way.. but 2-3 years ago to her.. he was just my boyfriend and they were my boyfriends kids.
Unfortunately I think the older girls would want to go.. even though they would probably be bored for most of the trip.
Yes, DH has had full custody since last September.. they only see their mom 3-4 times a month and no overnights since September.
I think if it was still 50/50 custody (like it was for 13 years....) then maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal to DH.
DD came on a vacation with me last summer to Texas for 4 days, and it was a real vacation, we went to Sea World, the Alamo etc. It was just me and DD, we met up w/ my dad and sister. He didn't make a big deal about it then, but has made comments now that we are getting married, having a baby, that things should be different.
Personally, I think it is perfectly acceptable for you and your kids to go alone. Your FI is not going, so it is acceptable for your skids not to go, as well. Even blended families cannot be mushed together ALL the time. My DH has his time alone with SD, and I have my time alone with DS (on rare occasions).
However, if I had a reliable car and could actually make the drive all the way back home to visit my family, I would love to go with both DS and SD and not DH.
You really need to present your side to your FI. I'm sure with a new baby together and recent gain of custody with his other two daughters, he is feeling a need to really make sure his older DDs don't feel neglected or left out in any way. But you need to make sure that he understands your need to nurture your family as well (including your mother and extended family).