Crazy parents and TTC, a vent (longish)

suntoto · July 2010

I have to stipulate this post with a preface.. I truly love my mom, but she is a bit crazy about freak accidents. She thinks we are all going to die in a freak accident or something. When my Prof of a sister took off to Mexico for a year for research, she sent her TONS of stuff on what to do in an Earthquake. When DH went to eat some cookie dough, she slapped his hand away and told him she did not want him to die of salmonella poisoning. Seriously.

When I had the ectopic, she FREAKED out, b/c of Dr. Google. She started googling and discovered that ectopics can be deadly. So now she is freaking out about our continued efforts to TTC, b/c Dr. Google told her that it could be deadly if we get another ectopic and that is possible b/c your chances of ectopic do increase after you have had one (but I think it is only if you still have the tube b/c of scar tissue, and I don't have it anymore). Indifferent

Mom, I love you, but seriously, this is what we want to do. She knows she can't change our mind but that doesn't stop her from talking about adoption with me. It is her passive aggressive way of telling me that she doesn't want us to TTC again.

Last night I had a very nice conversation with some IRL friends who have had 3 losses and 6 failed IVF attempts. I told them about my crazy mom and it honestly felt so good to be validated for wanting to continue to TTC. They understand that we want to try all that we can to have a natural child first. We haven't ruled out adoption, later, but for now we want to try for a biological child.

ColindaP · July 2010

Totally ventworthy. What, like you guys weren't aware of the risks and had no idea it could happen again till she told you?? C'mon mom. Use your brain.

Mocha Girl · July 2010

Ugh, that has to be frusterating... I'm sorry that your mother keeps bringing up adoption - I'm sure it's hurtful that she doesn't support your TTC efforts 100%. My boss (of all people) suggested that I should adopt since I've had 3 mc's... I wanted to kick him (he's a real tool)! So I can't imagine what it feels like coming from your mom. (((Hugs)))

lunatwo · July 2010

Poor Momtoto! It really is sweet though, that she cares about you all so much. And I totally agree with your thinking on TTC before moving to adoption. I feel that you will have a successful pregnancy soon and you will be glad that you didn't give up. You know I am pretty much at a 5% chance of ever getting KU but yet I'm still trying. Your chances are way better than that so of course I think you should keep going. Optimistic Luna has spoken!!

MissK8 · July 2010

Just some ectopic education from my OBGYN office:

After a tubal-saving procedure, ectopic pregnancy is equally likely to recur in the operated tube as in the other tube.

Your chances are not necessarily decreased because your damaged tube is gone. However, your chance for a normal pregnancy this time is 80%!

ShellShockedMama · July 2010

I hate the passive aggressive stuff, under the guise of concern. I'm sorry. There's nothing wrong at all for wanting to continue to TTC.

EntropicEpona · July 2010

Vent away! It sounds like your mom has some serious fear issues that she's taking out on your and your sister. Get some help, mom. My MIL is like that, but she's pretty easy to manage these days by my saying "give it a rest, Lynn".

FWIW, *I* totally support you on your TTC efforts, whatever they may be. I also support you if you want to tell your mom to take a hike, that it's your life, and you're well aware of any consequences to your actions. She should just sit and be the perfect little grandma-in-waiting. Wink

MissK8 · July 2010

Just some ectopic education from my OBGYN office:

"After a tubal-saving procedure, ectopic pregnancy is equally likely to recur in the operated tube as in the other tube.

Your chances are not necessarily decreased because your damaged tube is gone. However, your chance for a normal pregnancy this time is 80%!"

I still have my operated tube, so we'll see what happens, but apparently, she wasn't too concerned about us TTC again - we'll just be monitored from the very moment we get our BFP.

bbhalphen · July 2010

Ugh, that sounds frustrating! I come from a long line of worriers, it's not fun. Vent away!

ColindaP · July 2010

MissK8:

Just some ectopic education from my OBGYN office:

After a tubal-saving procedure, ectopic pregnancy is equally likely to recur in the operated tube as in the other tube.

Your chances are not necessarily decreased because your damaged tube is gone. However, your chance for a normal pregnancy this time is 80%!

What? This is illogical. As toto stated, her tube was removed, not saved. Therefore she has a 0% chance of an ectopic recurring in that tube. Yes, it can still happen in the other one, but your handy little stat is talking about ectopics happening in a tube that has been surgically repaired, which toto's was not.

Also, you're not going to find many statistics lovers on this board. 80%? Really?

RunSchwartzRun · July 2010

That would really hurt my feelings for sure. I hope she lays off at some point and realizes that your desire for a biological child is not going to go away. Maybe she should develop a drinking habit to ease her nerves.

mlmtgg · July 2010

it is so hard when they mean well, and I am sure your mom does. she just cares about you so much. the problem is that she can't see through all that caring to remember how strong, smart and thoughtful you and your DH are. oh, and that you are an adult making this decision.

jolieandscott · July 2010

My mom is the same way. I tell myself she means well, but still, she drives me crazy with her worrying...about everything. Feeling your pain!

suntoto · July 2010

MissK8:
Just some ectopic education from my OBGYN office:

After a tubal-saving procedure, ectopic pregnancy is equally likely to recur in the operated tube as in the other tube.

Your chances are not necessarily decreased because your damaged tube is gone. However, your chance for a normal pregnancy this time is 80%!

Indifferent

I am not an idiot, K. Thanks. Not sure where you got your info, but a lot of research out there says you are wrong. The average rate of recurrence is 10%-12% after the tube has been removed, not 20%., thus my chances of a normal pregnancy are not 80% like you want it to be, but 90%-88%. (A 20-25% of recurrence if the tube is still there).

suntoto · July 2010

ColindaP:
MissK8:

Just some ectopic education from my OBGYN office:

After a tubal-saving procedure, ectopic pregnancy is equally likely to recur in the operated tube as in the other tube.

Your chances are not necessarily decreased because your damaged tube is gone. However, your chance for a normal pregnancy this time is 80%!

What? This is illogical. As toto stated, her tube was removed, not saved. Therefore she has a 0% chance of an ectopic recurring in that tube. Yes, it can still happen in the other one, but your handy little stat is talking about ectopics happening in a tube that has been surgically repaired, which toto's was not.

Also, you're not going to find many statistics lovers on this board. 80%? Really?

Colinda is 100% right of course. My tube was removed- gone not saved. They could not save an already fragmented and ruptured tube, which is what happened to me.

Also, I am a stat lover, but I know I am a rare bread here... Wink

suntoto · July 2010

lunatwo:
Poor Momtoto! It really is sweet though, that she cares about you all so much. And I totally agree with your thinking on TTC before moving to adoption. I feel that you will have a successful pregnancy soon and you will be glad that you didn't give up. You know I am pretty much at a 5% chance of ever getting KU but yet I'm still trying. Your chances are way better than that so of course I think you should keep going. Optimistic Luna has spoken!!

I love your optimism, Luna! This is exactly what I think I needed to hear. Thank you!

suntoto · July 2010

ColindaP:
Totally ventworthy. What, like you guys weren't aware of the risks and had no idea it could happen again till she told you?? C'mon mom. Use your brain.

I credit her line of work for this. She works for FEMA and goes to disasters and helps people. IT has made her a little manic about random disasters getting her children...

But I love her anyway. Just wish she would lay off the passive aggressive stuff.

lunatwo · July 2010

suntoto:
lunatwo:
Poor Momtoto! It really is sweet though, that she cares about you all so much. And I totally agree with your thinking on TTC before moving to adoption. I feel that you will have a successful pregnancy soon and you will be glad that you didn't give up. You know I am pretty much at a 5% chance of ever getting KU but yet I'm still trying. Your chances are way better than that so of course I think you should keep going. Optimistic Luna has spoken!!
I love your optimism, Luna! This is exactly what I think I needed to hear. Thank you!

I'm laughing now at all the stat lover comments when I had put a 5% in my reply!! I guess I am a stat lover!

ksyknelvr73 · July 2010

She's your mom and she's going to be concerned - understandably - but there is a LIMIT. She has to stop doing this to you, you don't have to feel guilty or worry about what your mom thinks. I totally understand you wanting to continue TTC and don't think anything is wrong with it.

butterfly843 · July 2010

Sending hugs, dh and I would like to adopt down the road, but would also love a biological child. My one friend thinks I am crazy because we have been trying for long and keeps telling me she would just give up, easy for her to say she is a fh.

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