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Hawaii Babies
Getting Maya assessed *long*
When do I NOT write a long post lol...
Maya has all this stuff going on with her right now that I don't know my butt from my brain at the moment.
I've never had a toddler before...I don't know whether her behaviour is 'normal' for a kid her age (she turns 3 on August 27) or if it's 'abnormal'! I don't know whether this is all part of her reaction to the change in family dynamic (with the birth of her little sister) or ....arghhhh!
I don't even know where to begin...
Ok, I'll start somewhere...she's moody. When she wakes from a nap and I approach her quietly and nicely, she usually will kick at me, start crying/yelling/screaming/general tantrum behaviour. She wants me to go away so I do. Sometimes she'll lay there for up to half an hour crying. Then she'll snap out of it and get up.
However, if I look at her wrong WHEN she gets up, she snaps again and drops to the floor and....thar she goes again.
She hits a LOT. Whenever she gets frustrated or displeased, which is a lot. We repeatedly discipline her for it. It doesn't sink it for her, she continues to hit/kick/slap/headbut.
She does talk. She can talk. She also recites lines and songs all day, from her favourite shows. However, you can't engage her in a two way conversation. Asking her a 'wh' question is ignored by her. Eg. "Where is the toy car?", "What's your name? etc. The majority of her vocabulary is 'recited', 'parroted' for want of a better term.
When my parents-in-law were here, visiting from Canada, they noticed her 'spacing out' at the dinner table. She does this sometimes, I havent noticed it much but it happens. I put it down to what we all do, right? Sometimes we go visit a different planet and zone out. She wont respond to us during a zone out, but that doesn't seem odd to me because she ignores people a lot anyway.
They worry that she's having petit mal (aka absent seizures) where a person zones out for up to 15 seconds or so. Now that my husband has mentioned it to her carers at her daycare, they are watching for it and one of her carers told me this morning that Maya had a 'zone out' session for about 10 minutes yesterday. They couldn't snap her out of it.
So, we have booked her in to see a pedi.
What worries me is that I am so laid back sometimes that I wouldn't have thought anything of her spacing out so I wouldn't have thought to seek a pedi's help on it. I worry because I wonder what ELSE I am missing about her.
Also, while she is beautiful with her baby sister, I think she's having emotional probs with our changed dynamic. I can't be there for her like I used to be and my husband has taken my spot with her care. She has started night waking again when she used to sleep all night until morning and he will go to her, not me (I have Samara next to me in the bed and I need to be there for when she wakes and wants to nurse).
I know that, as much as she may have bonded a little with her dad since Samara has been born, she still frets and wants for me. It's almost like she looks at me with this question "Your Samara's mummy and my parent is my daddy?". I know, I know, that's probably MY projection.
So, my almost 3 year old seems to be having emotional issues, has some symptoms that are in line for an 'autism' diagnosis (or autism spectrum disorder) and could be having seizures.
Wow, I expected to feel like I messed this parenting thing up when she hit teenagehood, not THIS early. Ever since Samara was born, I feel like I'm being put through the wringer, emotionally, mentally and physically.
Here's a confession; I love and adore my kids more than my LIFE. My love for them....well it's too big and immeasurable to describe. However, I don't enjoy parenting.
And on another level, I am feeling more and more terrified of the prospect of losing them (I think I have been reading too many tragic stories from other parents) and also, recently, being scared of the prospect of me dying before I got to see them grow up (I think I need to get this checked out for me too...it's kinda irrational lol).
Most of the time, they take my breath away and they fill me with unbelievable joy and I can't kiss them enough. It's the rest of this parenting gig that's sucky work. I 'knock off work' around 10:30pm at night and that's the only 'me time' I get and by that time, I am so tired that I really should just be getting my ass to bed.
End vent.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Getting Maya assessed *long*
First - big hugs!
Second - I'm probably not much help since I don't know a great deal about child development, but I think it's a good step to see the pedi and get their assessment for Maya. I think that it's normal for a formerly single child to have adjustment issues when a second child comes along, but a lot of the stuff that you mention is probably independent of that - especially the zone out sessions.
Please don't worry about "messing up" parenting - I think we all do, and I think it's a good sign that you DO worry about it, since it shows that you care, and that you love your children a great deal. (And hey, sometimes I worry that I'll have the opposite problem - that I won't be laid back enough, that I'll be too much of a drill sergeant and have an aneurysm if my kids don't do everything exactly on time and exactly right - awful, I know, and something I work on every day.)
Let me know how the assessment goes, OK? When is your appointment with the pedi?
Hey Lisa,
Thanks for reading all of that, I was sitting down feeding Samara tonight and thinking "Wow, that was a helluva whine-session I just posted today!" Lol.
Maya was amazingly lovely this afternoon and cuddly and sweet. She never fought me once, even when her dad put her to bed instead of me! It was as if she sensed I was feeling pretty beaten down by her behaviour over recent months. I forget who put it so succinctly (pretty sure it was someone from here) on my fb wall a month or so ago but they said toddlers are like teenagers without the verbal skills. So true lol.
Earliest I can get in for an app at the pedi is August 9th. Will just keep a close eye on her in the meantime.
I watched her at dinner tonight and she appeared to go off into lala land so I made a point of trying to get her attention and I was successful in getting it. Twice.
I WAS kinda feeling a bit silly voicing the 'afraid of dying and leaving my girls behind' thoughts that have been crossing my mind but now I don't! I also totally can relate to those thoughts of "what if someone was attacking me" and the like. I've been out walking with the girls in the stroller and thought those very same things or been showering and thinking "What if someone breaks in....?"
I've talked this over with my mum and we both pretty much agreed: we tend to think of the worst case scenarios. It's like, we've never felt SO vulnerable so it's almost as if we're trying to steel ourselves to bad things that can happen. Or, it's like having a sore and picking at the scab lol.
We're exploring this newfound vulnerability and seeing how deep it actually runs, maybe?
You made me chuckle at the 'worrying over irrational stuff but not about the realistic...': That's what I DO!
I worry about the scenario of laying on a bed, dying of cancer and having to say goodbye to my girls but here is my daughter spacing out and quite possibly having seizures and I'm all "Ahhh" *waves hand* " She'll be right, she'll be back after these short messages from our sponsors"
Re. it taking so long to get an app with a pedi.: in Australia, we don't really see a pedi for the care of our babies. We see our regular GP for when the bub is unwell or needs immunisation or the like and we see a maternal health nurse regularly for the first 4 years or so of their life. The maternal health nurse pretty much does everything the pedis in North America would. So, when most people book in to see a pedi, it's usually for something of a more 'specialist' nature...like with what I want checked out.
P.S I keep typing 'pedi's' because typing 'pediatrician' is too long and I keep thinking I'll screw up the spelling.
Also, It's not that I dislike parenting....there are many aspects of it I love but, like you said, it's freakin hard work! I miss my old life sometimes!
I felt crazy voicing my fear to DH (being attacked, dying, getting mugged when I was with B, etc) and he was very supportive of me. I've mostly worried that I'll get attacked and she'll be with me, like this morning, I really wanted to go for a walk with her in the stroller but yesterday I read something about how most rapes/attacks occur between 5am and 8am... it was 7 am... go figure! Since my fear is being attacked with her with me, I skipped the walk (which does NOT help this feeling fat thing I've been having lately) and played with her and cleaned up... I REALLY wanted to walk but I was REALLY afraid too... I'm sad about the whole thing and just keep hoping it'll pass...
My big fear is that I'm turning into my mother!!! While I love her dearly, she is the worst worry wart over EVERYTHING... she'll say "i have a sore throat, I think it's cancer" or "I have been feeling dizzy and think I have a brain tumor"... where as that stuff doesn't cross my mind, if I have a sore throat I wonder if I slept with my mouth open and it dried out
I only really worry about being attacked or worry that someone will try to kidnap her right in front of my eyes. Which are both highly unlikely and irrational but I'm not sure what to do about it...
I'd say I'm glad we understand how eachother feels about this situation but I really think it's a horrible feeling and wouldn't wish it on anyone! It's awful!
Isn't it weird how different the health care systems are in different countries? Have you talked it over at all with the maternal health nurse? I just wonder what her thoughts would be on the whole thing and if she might have ANY insight at all to help ease your mind...
Ohhh, I'm so sorry that you're going through all this! First of all, you are a wonderful mom to your two beautiful girls and the only reason why parents worry about something happening to them and/or their kids is because they love them so much. My parents are worrywarts like that, so they used to not let me go out if it was dark (until I was 18) and they would try to enforce it when I was in college too ("I called your dorm room and you're not there. Where are you? It's dark, you need to go back. I'm going to call your dorm room again in 5 min and you better be there!"). But it's their way of caring in a way =P I don't think you're silly for worrying about them--all parents do this.
Heck, what happened to me yesterday--I don't think I was ever so scared or worried in my life!
As for Maya, I don't have *any* experience with toddlers so I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but heck, I space out sometimes and it's REALLY hard to get my attention back so I personally don't think it's too odd, but you did your research and taking her to see a pedi is definitely the best thing to do. I hope the visit goes well! I know it isn't for another month, but hang in there and don't worry too much! Let us know how it goes! Lots of hugs your way!
Big hugs! Please let us know how things go. Did Maya have behavioral issues before Samara was born? I kinda recall you mentioning that she was moody even before? I hope it's just a phase that will pass!
As for the fears of losing them or you dying, I have been thinking about those things lately, too. Partly thanks to that article link you posted.
No, but seriously, I've been reading so many stories like that about babies being left in cars. Or getting pertussis. And a friend's nephew was recently diagnosed with stage 4 neuroblastoma. Crazy stuff. All I can do is pray that Kaya remains healthy.
Then there's the story of a mom in Pittsburgh who was hit by a car a couple days ago. She was jogging with 2 of her 3 kids in the jogging stroller She died, the kids were fine. So sad.
B & I are working on our wills so that makes me think about that stuff even more. We had to decide who will have custody of Kaya if something happens to both of us. I know it's highly unlikely both of us will go before she is an adult, but we need to be prepared.
Being an adult is not fun sometimes. Or a lot of times.
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
I'm so sorry that your family is going through this. I just wanted to tell you that I can understand how you feel in regards to parenting. I feel so overwhelmed and take it so personally when Ryan is having a bad day, which is often. It kills me that I can't make him happy no matter what I do. I have PPD but sometimes I wonder if I really do because when Ryan is having a good day, all my PPD is gone and I'm so happy. Those days I love being a mother more than anything.
We're all here for you!
First of I want to say that Samara looks like Maya (when she was a little) in your siggy pic!!
I don't have a kid yet so I don't have a good advice. Have you noticed whether she's been doing this prior to Samara being born? I wonder if "spacing out" is her way of entertaining herself since she was used to having all your attention? Kinda like her defense mechanism?! I am inetrested to hear what the doc will say.
Hang in there. You're such a good and loving mama so don't be too hard on yourself.
Tina big hugs to you!
I don't have a ton of advice to give you, I know nothing about kids, I'm really making things up as I go along.
In regards to being afraid of dying, you're definately not alone. I'm glad you posted about it because I thought I was alone. I've always had troubles with anxiety, so I thought maybe my fears were anxiety. I used to go for hikes alone with my dog and now I won't because I'm afraid of a bear or cougar attacking Elyse and I. I'm also terrified of someone breaking into our house. I run through scenarios in my head where I'm always hurrying to get to Elyse's room before the bad guys gets to us.
Is your GP able to do a basic assessment on Maya? Can you get on a cancellation list at your Pedi's office? I hope you're able to get some answers when you see her (or him).
You're doing a great job - you're calm nature is going to serve you well, so don't beat yourself up!
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Malia & Dave & Alexa
Happily married since 2-17-08! Three since 9-9-09!
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Gosh, I am so sorry. I think it is a good idea to get Maya checked out..better to be safe. I am sure it is nothing, but I'd feel better and that is part of our jobs:-)
I am sure that Maya is just acting out as she is so used to having you all to herself. It is a big adjustment and kids don't get it like we do. It takes time. Have you tried to have one on one time with her?
As far as the dying issue. I feel the same way..I finally got life insurance on myself and it makes me know that Ashton will be taken care of financially until he is of age. I know it's silly but $$ is always a worry for me. I want him to be taken care of. I know my husband has it handled emotionally.
Hugs to you and please keep us posted.
Hey everyone!
*Wraps arms around computer screen and yells out "I LUB YOU!" To you all....not the computer....youknowwhatImean.
I agree with Sarah re. being glad I'm not the only one to feel this way but not actually wishing it on anyone at the same time. It lessens it when it's shared though.
Wills are important, I know I feel better knowing I have a will stashed away (Josh and I had both of ours done at the same time) and we both got life insurance. Now that Sam's here, we need to adjust it though and I wanna up my life insurance.
I was trying to think back pre-Samara but, man, it's all fuzzy lol! I THINK she really started all of this halfway through my pregnancy. Like she sensed something was gonna change? Apprently the 'Terrible 2's' are overhyped and it's the three's we have to watch out for lol. Hoooo boy!
Not.Fun!
Christine, she's always been high maintenance, yep. She can be the most beautiful kid too, though. One minute she's smackin me in the eye on the merry-go-round (and giving me a nice blood-eye for a week!) and the next she's cuddling me and stroking my cheek saying "Hi baby!" very lovingly.
Battered mama syndrome, that's what I have!
E, Sam's getting more like Maya each day. But a blonde, fuzzy peach-headed version!
When I give Maya a day of REALLY intensive 'Mummy and Maya time', the girl is as soft as butter left out on a warm day! She is just awesomeness and sweetness and....well, I have my Maya back! Unfortunately, I can't do this all the time, it will have to be only one or two days a week when I have Josh here to take Sam. However, it's something.
Also, the change in her on those days is very telling.
Thanks for your support everyone. I appreciate it so much!
I don't know if I've told you this already but I am so sorry you're going through this! You said you're getting help, right?
I'm not sure whether I had PPD with Maya, when she was first born. I never had it properly diagnosed because I didn't ask for help (I didn't ask because I didn't realize at the time that it might have been PPD. I put it down to Maya being so high needs.Looking back now though, I think I had it. Not full blown PPD, maybe a touch of it.
It's tough, lady. Here for ya too, when you need!
Ugh, I know, I'm not posting stuff like that anymore! Or reading about it lol!
Yeah, it takes some getting used to when ya have to deal with a new system (I lived in Canada for a year). I like the maternal health nurse visits...they give out books and give me so much info. I can sit there for ages and talk to them about anything I need to know or get off my chest. They're pretty awesome ladies.
As your child gets older, the scheduled visits are spaced further apart. Maya's last visit was when she was 2 and she has her 3 year check up coming up and I'm SO hitting the MHN up for info!
i've been thinking about you julie, since i don't feel like we see you around as much these days (not like you have anything else to do!
but just been hoping you're doing okay. i'm SO glad to hear that ryan and you have some good days! hopefully those will come more frequently. hugs to you too!