It has been a whole year. A whole year. I cant get my mind around it. Somedays it feels like I was just finding out I was pregnant with her, other days it is like it is forever ago. My darling Hope was born July 1st at 23 weeks due to me developing severe pre-e and HELLP.
I have learned alot about myself, and what it means to grieve in this last year. I know now that it is possible to have good days. It just takes a while for them to come. It is possible to still have days when I struggle to get out of bed. I struggle to keep myself together. It is odd, I have found that some pregnancy announcements are heartbreaking, but I can feel happy for some friends who announce their pregnancy. I have learned to cope with the client's who knew I was pregnant but did not know Hope passed asking me how my baby is doing. I have gracefully learned to answer the question if I have any children. I have learned the hard way that you learn who your real friends are. There will be those who expect you to bury your baby and just bounce back like it was nothing. Then there are the friends that grab ahold and hug you still everytime they see you.
I have learned alot about my family. I never ever would have made it without my sisters. Never. My twin sister had a baby on June 19th right before I had Hope on July 1st. There are days I look at him and think of Hope, wonder if she would be doing the same things he is doing, would they get along, would they play. Having him around actually makes me feel better. It makes me think of Hope, and imagine my little girl with me instead of thinking always about her being in heaven.
Then came the new pregnancy. I have learned that I will never be comfortably pregnant. I will never experience the joy I had the last time before I got sick. I am not slighting my new baby, just protecting my heart a little bit. I have learned that becoming pregnant again does not take the pain away, it only multiplies it. I cant help but to compare the two pregnancies.
Finally, my husband and I have grown together through this. He is the only other person who understands what I am feeling, what it feels like. He has been my rock. But sometimes he cracks and I have to be his rock. Still at night I hear him pray when he thinks I am a sleep. I hear him speak to Hope like she is our guardian angel. He prays to her and for her. I know he thinks of her as much as I do. I am truely grateful for him.
So, if you made it this far ... thanks for reading.
A year ago, I never thought I would be sitting here today.