Getting nervous about DH's homecoming...tips?
Mereou12
member
We've done the deployment/TDY/separation thing more times than I can count, but this is the first time with a kid, so I can't help but be nervous about DH's upcoming return. Does anyone have any tips for the big homecoming?
DH deployed when LO was 2-ish months (and missed most of the first weeks with various training TDYs) and will be returning in the somewhat near future. DS is still very young, so beyond talking about daddy and showing him pictures, I'm not sure that there's much that I can do to prepare him. I know it'll just take some time for everyone to be comfortable again, and that DS will be aware of my affection for DH when he's here....
But what about from DH's end? I obviously can't expect him to know our entire routine right away, and I'm fearing that I won't be able to find a good balance between letting him feel things out for himself and just outright telling him what to do. How long did it take your husbands to get back in the groove of family life?
Any tips are greatly appreciated. DH and I have always had a tough time with homecomings, since I get into such a groove while he's gone and thrive on my independence...I have a hard time with adjusting to another person in the house!
Re: Getting nervous about DH's homecoming...tips?
DH and I also have a hard time readjusting when he comes home from deployment because I have my own thing going on. I told myself that unless it would adversely effect us not to do things my way (mostly regarding the bills) then I wouldn't tell him how I do things (unless he asked) and just let him feel his way around and get settled. It's been a lot smoother this time around because of that.
We don't have kids but I would say apply the same tactic. As long as your LO is being cared for and loved that's really all that matters. You'll create a new groove that works for everyone.
Good luck!
Lilly was a month when he left and almost ten months when K returned. He's only been home for about a month now and things have worked out pretty well. I have a list that I leave with babysitters that says how I do things. I tell them to do what's natural for them, but if they're too nervous or what they're doing isn't working, this is what I do and what she's used to. I showed it to K, gave him the same speel I gave the sitters and let him have a few days to get used to the routine.
After a week or two I let him jump in and do things without me and he's done fine. The only thing he isn't ready to tackle yet is taking her out for a few hours without me. HTH. Good luck. Give him time, he'll do fine.
DH had R&R when DS was 2 months old and then returned when he was 6 months old and, surprisingly, it went very smoothly. DS was somewhat standoffish towards DH for the first day but by day 2, he was totally digging his new playmate and we didn't have any issues. One thing we were careful about was night wakings - I continued to get up with DS so that he wasn't startled by DH during the night since he was usually half asleep and may not have remembered that Daddy was home.
DH kind of observed everything for a few days but he would jump in and help when he could. He asked me to flat out tell him what needed to be done when it came to DS but he jumped in and started doing normal household things without me having to tell him anything. Since I was used to doing everything myself, I had decided just to continue with my routine until he was ready to jump in (admittedly, there were a few times I had to tell him to get off his butt and at least help with something but I also had to remind myself that he was experiencing a culture shock of being able to actually sit on his butt and not do anything for the first time in 15 months). I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly he jumped in and took over a few things at a time to give me a break. Over the course of a couple weeks, we gradually got into a good routine of sharing tasks and he was great at helping with DS!
Good luck, it'll probably go much better than you think! Congrats on the upcoming homecoming!
The main thing I would suggest to you is always have a routine whether or not your DH is around. Make sure it doesn't change too drastically from when he is around. Communication is always key. My DH and I constantly email each other. I update him about the kids' behavior and any changes to the routine. While they're deployed or on a mission quick decision making is our job but for anything else you should always get their input and come to a mutual decision like they were still here. Granted that might take longer than normal but including them lets the children know their parents are together in the decision making and they won't try to undermine your spouse when they return. You obviously don't have that problem now but it's bound to come up in the future.
As for your LO, you may get lucky and he'll take to your husband day one but more than likely he won't. Give it time, he'll want to cling to you because you're familiar to him. Include your DH in playtime and ease him into feedings and bath time. Before your DH even gets home, ask him to send you a gently used shirt so you can expose your LO to his natural scent. You can put it on his pillow or a favorite stuffed animal--he'll associate the smell with something he's comfortable with. Also, try to webcam each other and let your LO see and hear your DH.
All-in-all, I would suggest you and your DH feel out your situation. Give him a rundown of your routine before he comes home so he won't be totally surprised. And lastly, once your DH gets home give him some time to adjust. If the routine changes a little to accomodate him then let it be. Do what's best for all of you, and try to keep it up that way it'll be easier next time.
Thank you all for your suggestions! Sometimes it's nice just to hear advice from those that have been there.
I know it's just going to take a period of adjustment, just like with every homecoming....this one just involves an extra little person.
Just wanted to thank you for starting this thread!
I'm a new Navy wife & a new mommy (July 4th is our 1 year wedding anniversary). I've been worried about DH's feelings when we're all back together. We've been apart since LO turned 4 mo. and he'll be 8 mo. before we're back w/ DH.
Being a new mom, I can't believe how much he's changed in 3 months!!... he's a whole new baby! I'm crossing my fingers that any fear of 'strangers' holds out until DH gets back. As of now DS will smile and let anyone hold him.
DH has already said "I'll have to re-learn everything" ... so at least he's preparing himself for a the learning curve.
Your comments were helpful to me as well
Thnx Mereou12