Family having horrible reaction after hearing about homebirth...help!

sfr10 · June 2010

I'm new to the bump so this issue may have been discussed already.

I am a first time mom and I just told my parents that my husband and I are going to have a home-birth. I've done a lot of research and reading and thinking and soul-searching. I KNOW that this is the right decision for me and my family.

My dad is a doctor and completely freaked out on the phone. He gave me no medical reason for not doing at it home. It was a personal attack on my maturity (or lack there of) and ability to reason (I'm a lawyer, I can reason just fine.)

We're meeting up for a week starting this weekend. I'm not sure how to handle the situation other then to just stick to my guns and continue to keep them out of my personal family decisions.

Has anyone in this situation come up with creative or witty ideas to keep things civil after such a horrible blow up?

MrsTiara · June 2010

You'll find that a lot of us have less than supportive families (and spouses). My advice is to just not talk about it. Fortunately, my mother is super passive aggressive, so I only hear about her issues from other people and I don't have to deal with it directly (and she's not coming to the birth, regardless of what she thinks).

If people show open-minded concern, then you can always quote the research showing that homebirths are as safe (if not safer) than hospital births; that natural childbirth is WAY safer than conventional, intervention-heavy childbirth, etc. But otherwise I just wouldn't say much. After you have your beautiful, peaceful homebirth, then you can talk about it a ton since people won't be able to tell you that it's going to end poorly Smile .

ErinMSB · June 2010

We're in the process of telling some close family and friends that we're planning a home birth too. Here are a couple things that we did that seemed to have helped when we told my parents:

(1) We came armed with information. I had websites, books, and a DVD suggestions for my parents. I'm planning to watch The Business of Being Born with my mom so she can ask questions as we watch it. If you're going to be spending a week with your family, I'd be sure to have lots of information on hand to give them!

(2) After we told them and listened to their initial fears and questions, I said "I know you're nervous about this, but you know we already love this baby and are making decisions that we believe are the safest and best for him or her. I'd really like to be able to talk to you about things and we really want you to be involved, but that will only happen if you can respect our decisions and keep any negative feelings to yourselves." And then stick to it. Basically, you're leaving the decision up to them - they can be involved or not. But either way, the way you birth your baby (and where!) is not up for debate.

Good luck!

bandwife · June 2010

I like both PPs responses so far. A lot of the negative reaction is just based on ignorance. Seeing some research and watching a movie about modern home birth and midwifery care could do a lot for them.

Like most of you, we knew there would not be positive reaction from family about a home birth. So we didn't tell them until my water broke You can't really yell at a woman in labor

Carebear517 · June 2010

There is also the option to hear them out and after they have stated their fears you can just say it's not open for discussin and if they don't have anything supportive/positive to say that you don't want to talk about it. It's one thing to disagree but to talk down to you about your decision (saying you have no reason/are too immature) would be unacceptable to me.....if I told my parents not to give me discouraging remarks and they kept up with it I would tell them I would talk to them after the birth.

mh2t · June 2010

Yikes. As much as it would piss me off, I might try to deal with it with humor - as in, whenever they lay in to you, just chuckle and say you'll have to agree to disagree or something. Good luck to you!

pinksweetpea2 · June 2010

You can try to show them your research, but truthfully that doesn't always work- especially if your Dad is a Dr. He is always going to think he knows better because he went to medical school. My Dad is like that in many ways- I am an archivist and am constantly trying to help him take care of our family papers, but he thinks he knows best because he is the Dad who is well read on all topics and I am the little girl. LOL

I sent my family a few articles and links and was happy to answer (valid) questions, but otherwise I told everyone I didn't really want to hear any negative opinions...and I told them that pretty much anything that is not backed up by research is an opinion- not fact...and that meant I wanted to see the article/study in front of me- none of this so and so told me, blah blah. Since most people don't walk around with such information, it worked really well.

You might just have to come to terms with them not accepting it. It is good practice for parenting- people are always going to have an opinion about what you are doing with your child. It is best to learn early on to ignore all the "good intentions."

FWIW- The Business of Being Born really helped with my Mom who is a worrier...oh, and me having the baby and her being there to witness the birth (not planned) and my MWs in all their awesomeness. A lot of people came around after I had Lily- and if they come across it again they will probably be less harsh because they knew someone who had done it (me).

And this is probably wrong, but it felt really great after having the baby to tell all of the folks who were really negative my story (in bio)- especially since my pregnancy and labor were not textbook and would have lead to a c-section in the hospital.

GL to you

jasonsgirly · June 2010

I think my best advice would be to do your research and know and believe YOURSELF that this is what is best for you. Once you are confident in your decision, it makes it easy to share why you are doing it. And if they argue, say, "We appreciate your care and concern, but our decision is made up. We're not changing our minds. We don't need to discuss anymore."

I had a doula/birthing instructor (who is my mom's age) tell me to cry in front of anyone we needed to convince!

Good luck!

yeshuahamasshiah · June 2010

I know exactly how you feel. My mother is an OB and when I mentioned not just "natural birth" but home birth she almost fell off her chair.

Nothing I have said has changed her mind, to her I am not just naive but stupid. I avoid the topic and will not have any family present at our birth.

It is somewhat difficult to have to put up with it and have relatives call or email their advice on why I should change my mind and schedule a c-section, to which I just ignore.

I am however extremely lucky to have a very supportive DH and he is my stone. As long as he is on board with me i know I can do this, and so will you!!!

GL and sorry I do not have a better advice. When it comes to family, specially parents it is a tough call and you will just have to ignore the subject IMO.

Temp146997687502158 · June 2010

I'm sure if we ever went this route it would be a tough sell for DH and his family. My family on the other hand? opposite problem. I get comments from one sister and some from the other and my mom about doing a hospital birth and not staying home (both sisters did home birth) I have an odd family that way! It is equally hard to deal with the justification of the birth options I am choosing, so I can understand.

Lvneveryminuteofit · June 2010

pinksweetpea2:

You can try to show them your research, but truthfully that doesn't always work- especially if your Dad is a Dr. He is always going to think he knows better because he went to medical school. My Dad is like that in many ways- I am an archivist and am constantly trying to help him take care of our family papers, but he thinks he knows best because he is the Dad who is well read on all topics and I am the little girl. LOL

I sent my family a few articles and links and was happy to answer (valid) questions, but otherwise I told everyone I didn't really want to hear any negative opinions...and I told them that pretty much anything that is not backed up by research is an opinion- not fact...and that meant I wanted to see the article/study in front of me- none of this so and so told me, blah blah. Since most people don't walk around with such information, it worked really well.

You might just have to come to terms with them not accepting it. It is good practice for parenting- people are always going to have an opinion about what you are doing with your child. It is best to learn early on to ignore all the "good intentions."

FWIW- The Business of Being Born really helped with my Mom who is a worrier...oh, and me having the baby and her being there to witness the birth (not planned) and my MWs in all their awesomeness. A lot of people came around after I had Lily- and if they come across it again they will probably be less harsh because they knew someone who had done it (me).

And this is probably wrong, but it felt really great after having the baby to tell all of the folks who were really negative my story (in bio)- especially since my pregnancy and labor were not textbook and would have lead to a c-section in the hospital.

GL to you

I just read your birth story, it's beautiful. You are one strong woman. It makes me so sad that it's illegal to have a home birth in RI. I'm jealous of you!

duncanpowers · June 2010

I presented my mother with extensive statistics and research as well as local anecdotal information for my friends (nearly 90% were inductions turned c-sections), etc. and eventually offered for her to meet my midwife. She's a highly emotional, not-always-rational person, but still read everything I had, met with my midwife, and came down solidly on my side. Your dad, being a doctor, may not be as open or may even counter with his own researched horror stories, of which there are some to be had. So just be prepared to stay calm in the face of a hostile witness, so to speak. Be calm, be reasoned, and stick to your guns. If he goes on, just tell him you're done talking about it and it isn't his decision, the end.

Mrs.Cford · June 2010

If they start in with the negative again I would put my foot down - once, and then expect not to discuss it again unless they are going to be supportive.

You are a smart woman, who has done plenty of research about what you think is best for you and your child. You told them thinking that they would support you - if not then you will expect them to respect your decisions but will not disucss it any futher!

MissyOlivePants · June 2010

I'm not pg right now...but I will be having a HBAC for the next child. I'm guessing our plan will be not to just come out & tell people what our plan is unless they ask first. We're in our late 30's (pushing 40) and frankly - grown, educated adults. We're not children anymore, and while we'll listen to them, we've made our decision.

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