Feeling like I dont even need him anymore-DH vent-Very sad for DD.

newmom2londyn · June 2010

Who out there is married, with a beautiful child whom you absolutely adore, a decent career, lovely home and seem to "have it all together" but are miserable on the inside? :raises hand: My feelings could all drastically change if one person would step in and take me seriously. DH. I am starting to feel bitter and resentful toward him because I am worn out, exhausted and feeling like a single mom. I do everything for DD (she just turned 9 months) by myself. I never get a break, work 10.5 hour days, cook, clean, do laundry, shopping, and manage all our finances while all he does is go to work from 8-5 and complain everytime I ask him to help me with DD. His idea of being a father is smiling at her for 5 min a day and making her a bottle every now and then. He doesnt teach her anything, spend any genuine quality time with her, doesnt proactively offer to help me do anything with her and leaves everything to me. He still hangs out with his friends and still gets his "me" time but I never do. Every waking moment of my day is spent taking care of DD when I am not working and I am overwhelmed and very frustrated. We planned her and went through he** trying TTC her and now that she is here, he is really not stepping up. I dont doubt for a second that he loves her, but he just doesnt help me and I am becoming resentful. We have had this conversation many times and he feels that if he helps for a day or two, he can start dumping everything on me again. It is hard. I am tired and I need help. He acts like it is a total pain for him to take a walk with us, join us for bathtime, read to her and if it was up to him, she'd sit in a bouncy all day while he plays video games. its like he is not motivated to really engage her. I trust the DC lady with DD more then I do my own husband. She is very attached to me for obvious reasons and I worry about her when im not around. DH is just lazy when it comes to the hard stuff but wants to "goo goo ga ga" in her face for 5 min a day after I take care of her all day and night. It is not 50/50 and Im tired of being home alone with her providing all her care while he still lives his life. I have no life or identity anymore. I LOVE my DD with everything I have, but its hard and I need help (i have no family or friends here, they are all 1000 miles away in WI). It also hurts my feelings and I feel sad for DD b/c its like I wish he would care for her and love her as much as I do. He never acts like he misses her and is never eager to see her at the end of the day like I am. Its weird. He could go days without seeing her and it wouldnt be a big deal. He is really missing out. My whole world revolves around DD but its like DD is just a small piece of his world. At least that is what his actions make me feel like. He is a decent person otherwise, but for some reason, he just "checks out" when it comes to parenting....

slmcronelaw · June 2010

aw honey, {{hugs}} to you. I am sorry that you are feeling so alone. So you have set him down and told him all of this that you wrote and it hasn't helped?

Culkinator54 · June 2010

Wow. I honestly thought I was the only one. My family also doesn't live close, and I had talked and talked and talked to DH until I was blue in the face. One night, I said to him, "I don't need you. You don't help with ANYTHING, and I can financially support myself. Having you around is a bigger burden. I'm really contemplating why I'm still married." Apparently, that really gave him a huge wake up call because 3 weeks later, he is still involved. Sure, he still has his moments, but not like it was. I'm crossing my fingers it truly lasts.

There isn't much I can say to make you feel better. Just know that you're not alone. I thought I was, and it make it harder. Sending tons of e-hugs your way, and if you need to talk, you know where to find me.

Amber68W · June 2010

I can't say very much to help you, but I agree with Culkinator that you are NOT alone in this. Kudos to you for everything that you do and all that you put up with, because it's not easy. And if you ever need anyone to talk to, you know you have a support system and other ladies who are in your shoes.

Ivana_Stolichnaya · June 2010

I'm so sorry!

I get that from my husband. I feel like I do everything for DD too. She is 8.5 months old, has only fed her once after me trapping him to do so and he has never given her a bath, laid on the floor to play, read her a book or rocked her to sleep at night. I've had mental images of literally throwing the XBox out the window because 'Call of Duty' seems to be more important. I've walked into the living room only to find him playing video games and her asleep in the jumper...he hasn't looked over to even notice that maybe she should be taken out and put to bed. As I'm hand washing all the bottles, he'll bring a plate of food over and leave it on the counter for me to also wash off to put in the dish washer. I feel like I have to ask him to do everything...if I don't ask then he won't do it. I end up feeling like a nag and I hate that.

If he's holding her and she starts to fuss, his number one move is to shove a pacifier in her mouth, he doesn't think about soothing her by rocking or dancing with her, the second move is to hand her over to me - even if I've got my hands full with something else.

It's frustrating!

blublusher · June 2010

this is why i love being on the Bump sometimes.

what everyone has said, is how i feel. i told DH that i feel like a single mom. We had a huge arguement and he helps a lot more now. he'll make dinner or wash all of her bottles. I still do the majority of it but he has started to help out a lot more.

Ivana...the washing bottles and bring up a dirty dish for you to do has happened to me too and i'm surprised i didn't *** slap him.

amjayasuriya · June 2010

Just wanted to let you know I said a prayer for your situation..it sounds so rough!! There was a period of a couple of weeks where DH did this and I just stopped doing everthing...dished piled up, laundry wasnt done so he had no work uniform and one day he asked what the deal was and I said if you want it done it takes two...he has never stopped helping since. He still doesnt love all on her and is on the internet constantly but he does help more.

Try showing him what you just wrote when he is in a good mood. If that fails try what I did maybe? Hugs, hugs, hugs!

AJsMommy1209 · June 2010

Culkinator54:

Wow. I honestly thought I was the only one. My family also doesn't live close, and I had talked and talked and talked to DH until I was blue in the face. One night, I said to him, "I don't need you. You don't help with ANYTHING, and I can financially support myself. Having you around is a bigger burden. I'm really contemplating why I'm still married." Apparently, that really gave him a huge wake up call because 3 weeks later, he is still involved. Sure, he still has his moments, but not like it was. I'm crossing my fingers it truly lasts.

There isn't much I can say to make you feel better. Just know that you're not alone. I thought I was, and it make it harder. Sending tons of e-hugs your way, and if you need to talk, you know where to find me.

I was thinking the exact same thing...I feel like I could've written this myself! Culkinator, where in Wisconsin are you? Im in Appleton.

LarloBlue · June 2010

You are NOT alone. I don't work, YET, but am actively looking and have one possible job lined up. FI constantly nags about him working and me not. I understand his point of view; he hates his job and works in the heat/cold all day long. He thinks I'm at home all day napping and eating bon-bons. Wouldn't that be the life?! He doesn't understand what being a Mom entails. I don't get a break or days off. While he is off two days a week he is vegging out in his recliner only lifting a finger to change the channel. I on the other hand am cleaning, feeding/diapering DD, making his lunch/dinner, feeding the dog, bathing...it's never ending! And no matter how often I ask for help, or bring up the fact that he never helps..it doesn't get better. Hang in there!

LovinTim912 · June 2010

DH and I are having similar issues as well.

I actually started going to therapy to help deal with this, and to help me figure out how to communicate exactly what I mean. So far, it has been really helpful.... but we do have a long way to go as well.

GL and I hope things get better for us all.

kimberlyk921 · June 2010

oh wow, you are definitely not alone in this. I felt like I was reading our situation exactly, except I don't work nearly as much as you. Although the baby makes up for it. I just sat DH down this past weekend and talked to him AGAIN. The first 2 convos were very passive aggressive. This time I used a new approach, he needed to hear the blunt and honest (and slightly painful) truth. I basically told him, get on my page or I'm out. "my page" is taking care of our family, and if that isn't his page, then I've been lied to and we both don't need that. He apologized, this time it actually felt heart felt, so now we will see where it goes from here. I really hope you can work this out. Maybe try a bold approach like I did and see how it goes. He might need a fire under his as$ like my D(ouche)H did lol

sila129 · June 2010

Definitely have to agree with the ladies above...you are so not alone! It got so bad with me that I ended up leaving my DH (after many chances).. It was hard, yes, but I truly felt it was the best thing for myself and most importantly, DS. I have the most amazing father on so many levels and therefore, I have set my standards high for my son...I will not accept anything less.

Jessalicious01 · June 2010

DH has his moments that he acts like that. The one day he got mad at me because I turned MIL down to babysit while I was at work because DH would be home to take care of DD. Sorry, but I'm not taking DD all the way to MIL's on my way too work which is added stress to both of us just so that he can play video games for a few extra hrs. I guess DD going to sleep at 7pm just doesn't give him enough time to play. PLEASE! I never get 4hrs to myself to do whatever I please.

Other days he is great with her. When he is off he will sometimes get up with her in the morning and let me sleep in another hr or so.

I hate to say it and I don't mean this in a sexist way but for the most part men are just not hard wired to be nurturing like women are. Not that it's any excuse, but I think all of us experience this frustration to some point.

I hope you can talk to your DH and get him to understand just how much you need his help. Is there someone else that can maybe be a mediator if this continues to be a problem? If you go to church, maybe your pastor or someone?

JLGY · June 2010

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That truely sucks. I do agree that a lot of us have the same experience to some degree. We have some days that are better than others. I definitely have to ask DH to help out. He doesn't take the initiative himself to do anything for DD (other than change her diaper) himself. I always have to ask and it feels like a bother that I'm asking sometimes. Other days he plays with her a lot on his own. Is your DH possibly a guy who is 'better' or more engaged with older kids than babies? I think many guys know more what to do with kids once they can DO more... ex. play sports, etc. No excuse for not helping out, but maybe it will get better as she gets older (at least in taking interest in her). One can only hope.... And good job, on your part, for being such a wonderful mom for your DD.

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Feeling like I dont even need him anymore-DH vent-Very sad for DD.

Re: Feeling like I dont even need him anymore-DH vent-Very sad for DD.

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