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3rd Trimester
Do I really have to? (MIL)
So i had decided a LONG time ago i am done with the MIL, she hates my guts and we cant even stand to look at each other. So to make it less stressful on me I said, "I'm done". She really hates the idea of my husband and I having a kid. Anyway we havent spoke since Feb. Well now FIL has lost the only other grandkid ke gets to see, they say due to MIL that he will never be able to see that grandkid again. I had decided I would love for him to be in my chillds life just really didnt want her around, she really is CRAZY!! Anyway so only grandchild he would get to see is ours but it was clear I would not bring my child to that house that she is in. So he basicly seen it as visitation rights, kind of. Well that pissed her off and MIL decided that FIL just wouldnt see our child at all. My point is now that FIL dosent get to see any of the other grandkids, My husband and I feel sorry for him espescially when he came to talk to us about it (very sad), FIL was asking us if we could just manage to get along with MIL enough for him to be able to see our child when he arrives. My husband figured we could just do that, make it work for the best of our first child and "his papa". Do I really have to get along with her?? Do I really have to go around her and take my child around her when he arrives?? I hate the thought of it but agree with my husband that we feel sorry for his dad (FIL). Does anyone know of another way to solve this prob? Shes just crazy and very controling and acts like a kid.
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Re: Do I really have to? (MIL)
Tough situation! I am sorry to hear that things are somewhat difficult for you guys. The only suggestion I can make is to treat it as sort of a visitation situation.
Meet your FIL at a location. Park, restaurant, coffee shop, anywhere. It is your baby and YOU get to create the boundaries. If you want your FIL to be able to see the baby create some opportunity for him to do so. If it is impossible for him to see the baby without MIL, try an extremely publc place with as many people around to keep you away from her...
Hope this helps! Just remember, your baby, your decisions!!
If she's honestly crazy, then no, you don't have to do it.
Would she be more comfortable if you and FIL met at a neutral place like a park or something? If not, then it's your FILs choice to let her control his decisions, it's not yours. DON'T let him make you think that YOU'RE the one preventing this. It would be HIS choice on whether he "disobeyed" the evil MIL.
GL!
Melissa
This is def not what you want to hear, but, yes, I think you should try to get along (limitedly) for the sake of the baby. I have a bad/no relationship with my inlaws as well (they too are seriously insane and delusional), but for the baby's sake, my husband's sake, and (least importantly) for their sake, I won't keep the baby away. Will their time with the baby be limited and supervised? Absolutely. But (as much as I would like to) I won't keep the baby away altogether. Good luck with everything.
I think for FIL's sake it would be nice to do what you can to insure that he is able to see his grandchild. I can understand not wanting MIL around your child alone, but as long as either you or your DH are present, that should be acceptable? If you are unable to be around MIL, then perhaps your DH could take LO for visits. Just so that FIL is able to remain in contact with at least one of his grandchildren.
FWIW my mother is pretty much BSC, and I still plan to allow her to have "visits" with LO. I will keep a close eye on such visits (never will she be allowed to keep LO alone), but I am willing to work them in.
Good luck!
I'd see if FIL would be willing to "run into" you and baby, coincidentally happen to end up where y'all are. Park, coffee shop, mall whatever he just happens to be there.
If you aren't sure he'd keep it quiet, "accidentally" run into him if you know he goes/is going somewhere (he mentions going to wal-mart, or he usually gets coffee on tuesdays whatever).
Ultimately being a grandparent is a priviledge not a right and if MIL is not a positive influence stand by your guns (since she's not allowed to see the other grandchildren I'm assuming she has real issues) she either improves or she doesn't get to be involved in your babies life. It's up to FIL to either ignore her and see the baby on his own or not.
FIL needs to grow a set and tell MIL he's going to see LO if he wants to. You did your part by telling FIL he is more than welcome to come see the baby and I would probably offer a neutral setting.
FIL needs to grow a set and tell MIL he's going to see LO if he wants to. You did your part by telling FIL he is more than welcome to come see the baby and I would probably offer a neutral setting.
That's a hard situation, but I think you should allow LO's grandparents to be a part of their lives, no matter your feelings for her. LO may resent you for it once he/she is grown up. You don't have to get along with your MIL for this to happen. What if FIL came to pick up LO for a few hours and took him back to his house? If you are adamant that MIL not have anything to do with LO, then have FIL come to your house.
FWIW, your MIL sounds like a peach.
You need to do what is best for your LO. DH and I don't talk to his family. They are terrible terrible people and I mean that with my whole heart. My DH has really bad PTSD and Anger Issues from a mix of the Army, his childhood and other really crappy things that have happened to him through the years. DH's therapist and anger management counselor have both told him that he needs to take his family out of his life because they purposely try and push him to make him angry and violent. My MIL is a very mean person, she always tries to turn her kids against each other and get them to fight and then vilifies one kid and makes the other ones saints. My SIL decided to have her baby in another state to keep her baby away from the family because she can't handle it any more either.
I feel really terrible that my LO wont know his grandmother because I think all kids should know their grandparents, but DH and I agree that not knowing his grandma is better then being in a situation where he will be around so much drama and anger and fighting. Every time we see DH's family someone gets hurt because people throw things, or people start hitting each other. Nasty things get said and I have sat with my 12 year old BIL while he cries in the closet because he thinks someone will hurt him or because people are saying words no 12 year old should have to hear.
It is sad that my son wont know his dad's family, but in the long run it is a better situation for him to never hear or see the things that happen when his family is together. I don't want him thinking that the way things are dealt with in that house are the way things should be dealt with at all.
You need to do what is best for your LO even if it makes you seem like a mean person. If your MIL is so terrible that you feel like her influence on your child will put him in harms way, or teach him bad things it's your job to remove him from the situation.
I'm sure your FIL goes places without her, right? It is a little ridiculous to suggest that a grown man sneak around on his wife, particularly to see his grandchildren.
Can you tell him to grow some balls and say he has a right to see the grandchildren? I think this isn't your problem, it's his. Doesn't matter how big of a b!tch MIL is, he has the ability to get up off his butt and come see them.
I agree with this. You don't say what the issues with your MIL specifically are, but I would try to suck it up a little. I think you may regret preventing her and your FIL from seeing your child altogether otherwise. Be as civil as possible and leave it at that - you do not need to bend over backwards for them but a little accommodation so he/they can see the grandchild would go a long way. I know its hard but your FIL will be grateful and so will your husband, which is important. Hang in there... MILs can be a terrible PITA.
This. My grandma is like how your MIL sounds. However, my mother was an extremely strong, big person. She sucked it up and not only was civil with her MIL (even though she was awful to my mother) but she never spoke bad about her to us kids. Now that I'm an adult, I can see how crazy my grandma is and I have SOOO much more respect for my mother. I think I might have resented her growing up if she had handled it like a child.
Wow, obviously I don't know the whole story, but having had issues with my MIL in the past, I would say, yes, you should try to get along with her enough for them to be part of your child's life. If it were me, (and trust me, it has been tempting), I wouldn't want to be repsonsible for cutting out grandparents from my child's life. Remember, you are not only hurting MIL and FIL, you are also hurting your child. There's no reason you can't try and see how it goes and if something happens, where you are extremely uncomfortable with them, stop the contact then. It just seems a bit premature, and also terribly unfair to your FIL. I really understand your pain with MIL, but she might surprise you. I know mine did. Though she is still extremely irritating and pushy, she really does love my son and I'm glad I have given them the opportunity to be in each other's lives. That being said, I am the mother and if I'm uncomfortable at all with her behavior, DH and I will put a stop to it. GL with whatever you decide!