Drama & Clicky Poll (N3TR)

ashleyann82 · June 2010

Ok......so......my best friend's getting married this September (I've mentioned her here before) and this past weekend, the wedding was called off because her fiancee left her at a festival. Just up and went and got a cab and didn't come home. Then when he finally made it home he was still drunk (classy huh) and he proceeded to call her fat, tell her he was only marrying her because they have a daughter together, saying he hates spending time with her, that she's annoying....etc. you get the point.

So she calls the wedding off but continues to let him stay in their home (which they just purchased together a month ago).

My problem.....if he gets back into her good graces and the wedding is back on. I don't think I can stand. This is my friend's 2nd wedding, the 1st marriage was a huge FAIL and I stood for that one knowing it prolly wasn't going to pan out.

I don't think I can do it again, it's just a huge lie and what am I supposed to say at their toast, "Oh I'm so happy you've found a great partner in Bobby" I mean WTF come on!!!

[Poll]

sail123 · June 2010

That is so tough, I don't even know what to vote! I feel really badly for your friend, this guy seems like a complete jerk. I hope she has the strength to leave him.

If you don't stand, your friendship will probably be over. But I can understand completely why you wouldn't want to.

I think if it were me, I would stand but make it clear that you are standing in support of her, not their marriage. I would not be comfortable making a speech.

Jill070707 · June 2010

I hate my best friend's husband for some really ugly sh!t that went down on more than one occasion when they were dating. But I stood in their wedding and gave a toast. To not do so would mean losing my friend. I can only support her, but I'm not going to make any huge gestures against their relationship.

ashleyann82 · June 2010

I just think it's a big huge lie if I get up and toast to them. I may still stand but like Sail said, make it clear it's for her and not in support of them. Which is still a really tough thing for me because aren't you supposed to be standing in support of them on their wedding day? I get to sign another marriage certificate that will go through the divorce court and I can just see someone saying, wow, this is the same maid of honor on your 1st certificate, she must not provide good counsel, LOL

heathercara · June 2010

I'm with Sail. I would still stand up for her. But I would make my feelings about her choice very clear. And I would tell her that I could not make a speech at the wedding. I would not want to stand up and lie to everyone. I hope she finds the strength to get as far as possible from this piece of shiit and can find some joy in her life.

gymnst1013 · June 2010

ashleyann82:
I just think it's a big huge lie if I get up and toast to them. I may still stand but like Sail said, make it clear it's for her and not in support of them. Which is still a really tough thing for me because aren't you supposed to be standing in support of them on their wedding day? I get to sign another marriage certificate that will go through the divorce court and I can just see someone saying, wow, this is the same maid of honor on your 1st certificate, she must not provide good counsel, LOL

I'm also with Sail. And I would tell her you're not comfortable making a speech. I don't think it's odd if BMs don't make a speech. In fact, until recently, I never even knew any who did. It was always only the best man.

amy1004 · June 2010

There are creative ways to write a toast. "I've known you so long, <insert funny story about bride> and now you are married with a beautiful little girl! Cheers!" The end.

It doesn't necessarily have to be good words about the groom. Maybe his family and friends will be so drunk that they won't notice you didn't talk to or about the groom.

AmberZ2be · June 2010

sail123:

That is so tough, I don't even know what to vote! I feel really badly for your friend, this guy seems like a complete jerk. I hope she has the strength to leave him.

If you don't stand, your friendship will probably be over. But I can understand completely why you wouldn't want to.

I think if it were me, I would stand but make it clear that you are standing in support of her, not their marriage. I would not be comfortable making a speech.

I'm with Sail. But, I hope she leaves his asss!

Temp356619000002780 · June 2010

I choose the 2nd one. I had this choice also and I lost my BFF, but I told her I loved her I just couldn't live with my self if I didn't say anything. I told her when she decided to leave him to hit me up and I'll help her move or move her into my home. I will tell you this, you will never change that situation, you will have to decide if you are strong enough to stand by and watch your friend being treated like that and not be able to help. I personally could not... Another thing women in that state of mind will let all their friends go for their abusive partner... He is verbaly abusive and words hurt more than hits, because bruises fade, but those words you carry with you forever.. I love how bastardss are so good at tearing us down...

ashleyann82 · June 2010

mari2003:
I choose the 2nd one. I had this choice also and I lost my BFF, but I told her I loved her I just couldn't live with my self if I didn't say anything. I told her when she decided to leave him to hit me up and I'll help her move or move her into my home. I will tell you this, you will never change that situation, you will have to decide if you are strong enough to stand by and watch your friend being treated like that and not be able to help. I personally could not... Another thing women in that state of mind will let all their friends go for their abusive partner... He is verbaly abusive and words hurt more than hits, because bruises fade, but those words you carry with you forever.. I love how bastardss are so good at tearing us down...

I agree with you. I am on the fence right now, it's a tough call. I've been confiding in one of the other bridesmaids from the wedding and she was there with us the night this happened and we're both concerned about her best interests and so I think if we both step down together, it may just open her eyes to what she is losing. Because I can't stand for a lie. It's just not right.

rebelina1 · June 2010

That's a tough one. If they do end up getting back together and you refuse to stand at the wedding and support your friend you should probably be prepared for the friendship to end.

As much as I hate to see anyone treated that way I can relate from your friend's side. Before meeting DH I was in an abusive relationship and I lost many friends over him. All of my true friend's told me the truth about my relationship and I chose him over my friends. It took my 6 years to realize what he was doing to me physically and mentally but this is a realization I had to come to on my own.

My advice is to support your friend, not the relationship. If he is as bad as he seems she is going to need a good friend in you to help her at some point.

ecleptic · June 2010

So, while my sister was planning her wedding (she was 20, he was 22) an ex-girlfriend came forward and claimed that the guy had a daughter who was just barely old enough to have not been direct cheating on my sister. Close enough to count months and still be a little unsure. Mom demanded paternity tests. Boy refused until it was court ordered, claimed that the child wasn't his and even if it was- he didn't care. He only loved my sister and wanted to put all that behind him.

Two months before the wedding my sister finds all of this out. Swears that guy would never abandon a real child and that the accusation must be false.

I put some hard truths out because the accusation isn't far fetched. This guy is trouble and has been for the 2 years they've been together. Things like, what if he abandons a child you have together? What if he denies paternity? I was attacked by my entire family for not supporting her in this time of crisis (my idea of support was offering to cover whatever college tuition my parents couldn't afford if she wanted to bail on marrying this guy). It was not pretty and it drove a huge wedge between me and my sister for years.

Guy knocks up my sister a month before the wedding. She has my lovely niece and everything goes reasonably well for 4 years. Then he picks up a piece on the side, strongly suggests that my niece isn't actually his and leaves my sister. She's gotten maybe three child support payments in the last year and he has a bad habit of skipping his visitation to spend more time with his girlfriends kids.

The point of all is is that I wasn't going to change her mind. I might have been right but the only thing that netted any of us was that uncomfortable "I told you so" that hung unsaid while she cried her heart out. I would try again to changer her mind, but I love her too much to see her go through hell again and I know that while it might create distance- she will still be my sister. It wasn't necessarily the right decision- I just couldn't seem to do anything but make the wrong choice. At least we mended things well enough that she came to me when the worst happened and I could tell her that I'd go kill the ba!!!rd myself if she said the word.

Bite your tongue if you can. Accept the consequences if you cant

cutebride73 · June 2010

That is such a tough situation to be in. I know I stood up in a friend's wedding and a couple of years in she almost cheated on him and was planning to leave him (for no good reason that she could explain to me at that time) she just said she was "bored". Well, I went to bat for their marriage told her how I stood up at their wedding and because of that I felt that I ought to say something to her about just throwing it away. I don't think anyone else said anything to her - they just wanted her to be "happy". I told her they should at least try counseling - unless there was something really serious that he had done (cheated, was abusive, addiction, etc..). Anyway, they ended up staying married and things have seemed to have worked out. Not saying it's because of anything I said, but I took standing up at their wedding as a serious commitment, not just as a fun day to get dressed up.

I agree your friend may turn away from you if you refuse to stand up at their wedding, but I also think you at least owe it to her and to yourself to say something. I think it says so much about your character and your friendship that you are taking your role in her wedding seriously - so many people don't.

hispenguin · June 2010

If they do reconcile and you decide not to stand up for her, I would make sure that you're prepared for the friendship with her to end. I can't imagine that she would take it very well.