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How do you handle this?

taagenttaagent member
in Blended Families

WHen the BM bashes SM in front of or to the kids?  SD told me today that BM has been talking about me (and in not a nice way) to her.  It made SD sad and I felt bad for her.  I told her that I was sorry that what her mom said made her feel bad but that it didn't change the fact that I love her and that I would continue to do the stuff I do for her, that wont change.  SD asked me not to tell anyone but DH because BM will know how we found out and will take it out on her.

I feel bad, all she wants is for BM and I to get along and although I honestly can't stand BM because she is a horrible parent I am always cordial to her.  I vent on here about her but never to SD or in front of SD and I know we will never be friends but SD was hoping we would.  Now we are back at square one and I have very little communication with her because she basically blames me for everything (why, I don't know...apparently it is my fault that she scheduled her vacation during DH's time...or maybe she thinks I am the one saying she can't have her during our week although that isn't what happened, DH just stood up to her).

How do you handle it when the other parent bashes you to or in front of the kids?

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Re: How do you handle this?

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    FML8608FML8608

    Exactly how you did with emphasis on not talking badly about her mom, like "your mom shouldn't have said that". That makes you the bigger person and shows SD that you are a classy lady who cares for her. Kids aren't stupid...they understand the dynamics of people and she'll figure out soon enough how her mother really is...whatever that is.

     I don't know how my SK's mom talks to them about me but I do know that after their last visit with us that DSS (7y.o.) told his mom not to start anything with me b/c I'm a nice person. I thought that was sweet and even bigger of BM to tell DH he said that. My being nice to them and not talking poorly about BM has paid off as BM sent DH an email this past week and asked him to thank me for being so good to DSD and keeping her in high spirits...that she appreciated it and that's coming from a so-far vindictive, snide woman who does what she can to affect our life.

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    Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member

    I've dealt with my ex doing this to DD. I always tell DD that her dad should know better than to say mean things about us because we are her family. I remind her that DH and I never say mean things about her dad or SM because they are her family and we know she loves and cares about them and that it would hurt her and that her dad and SM should do the same. I tell her that if she feels uncomfortable about things he is saying, she should just tell him that it's not nice to talk about her family that way. That way, he will hopefully realize one day that he is only hurting her.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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    DREWLILYDREWLILY
    I've had this issue before. There were times SD would tell me that her BM hates me or that she (SD) isn't allowed to be friends with me, etc. I just tell SD that it isn't nice to hate people or say mean things about people, and I tell her it's ok for her to like me, etc. I really don't say anything at all about the fact that her BM said it, just use it as a lesson in how you should treat people in general....you know the golden rule and all.
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    Stina4242Stina4242

    I personally think you handled it very well.  I am lurking as a child of divorced parents and from my experience and with your SD sounding like she already has a good head on her shoulders she will always see right through it.


    It's a shame that her mom does that to her and makes her feel that way.  I don't think you should talk to her mom because she asked you not to.

    My mom is the same way and it has put a HUGE strain on our relationship.  It is unfortunate for her mom that she will probably miss out of having a good relationship with her because of her bitterness.

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