Stillbirth-One year later (long) (ticker warning)

lisamarie_04 · June 2010

I wanted to share my story about stillbirth and life one year later. I know it meant a lot to me when I was only a few months post-loss to see stories from other stillbirth mommies who were a year or two post-stillbirth.

A year ago when I was 36 weeks pregnant, I noticed that I hadn't felt my son moving. I didn't think much of it because I had no issues during my pregnancy and I had read that baby will move less because he will "run out of room" towards the end of the pregnancy. I had my shower 6/28 and afterwards we called the doctor on call to tell him about the lack of movement. His response was, "I'm sure everything's fine, but come to the hospital and we'll use the Doppler just to be sure." We naively went to the hospital thinking that everything would be ok, but when we got there they gave us the devastating news that our son, Daren, no longer had a heartbeat.

We were in shock and called our families to come to the hospital to be with us. I was induced and delivered our angel about 24 hours later on 6/29. The cord was wrapped tightly around his neck twice and the doctor said that was most likely the cause of his passing. We took pictures with our son and held him. I proceeded to have severe hemhorraging post-delivery and several blood transfusions and ended up in the ICU for a few days. Once I woke up, we spent more time with our angel. We decided to get an autopsy because we wanted to make sure that there wasn't something other than the cord accident that we were missing. Nothing else was found. They also did a ton of bloodwork on me and never found a reason for the hemhorraging. After I got out of the hospital, we buried our son on 7/4 next to our niece who was born at 20 weeks in June 2008.

The weeks following were somewhat of a blur. I'm thankful that I had six weeks off of work for physical and emotional healing. I'm also thankful for the cards, flowers, food, and support that we received from family and friends. And, during that period, I feel like we found out who in our lives who could truly count on. There were a handful of people who we thought that we were close to, but we didn't hear from at all. We went to counseling which was somewhat helpful. Also, this website and the following website were very helpful: https://www.dailystrength.org/c/Stillbirth/forum

The past year has been a roller coaster for sure. Different doctors gave us different opinions regarding when we could start TTC again. We got answers of: three or four months, two or three cycles, and six months. AF didn't show up for about 10 or 11 weeks and I was then given some medication (the name is escaping me) to get things started. We decided that we needed to survive the holidays and then think about TTC. We starting trying after the first of the year (six or seven months post-loss) and got our BFP in Feb.

This subsequent pregnancy has been challenging (both physically and emotionally), but also a source of hope. I've found that it doesn't make the process of grieving my son any easier, but it does give me something separate to be hopeful and excited about. My DH and I are still adjusting to the fact that we're having a little girl this time around. We love her to pieces already, but it's tough to think about packing up all of the boy stuff in the nursery.

This whole experience has shown me that I am stronger than I ever thought that I could be. I try to avoid focusing on the question of "why did this happen to me" because I will never understand it. I also try to avoid the blame game "I should've done something to save him" because I know that by the time I noticed him not moving, he was already gone. I try, but often unsuccessfully, to avoid thinking too much about the "should've beens" like at Christmas "we should've been taking him to see Santa", etc., because these "should've beens" are not my reality and I feel like they hold me back from moving forward. I feel like I'm more real with people now and truly understand how precious life is. I feel better now than I did six or nine months ago. I still miss him and think about him all the time, but I can now tell his story without breaking down. Sometimes things will still catch me off guard and send me into a dark place, but I find it easier to more quickly pick myself back up. Sometimes it's hard to see little boys with dark hair that around the same age that Daren would be. Also, I have a niece (same parents as previously mentioned niece who passed away at 20 weeks) who was born three weeks before Daren. Even though she is a constant reminder of what Daren would be doing now, she brings me so much joy. I feel like I see him through her. I talk about when I was pregnant with Daren quite often because those are the only memories I have with him

Thank you very much for listening to my story. To my fellow stillbirth mommies out there, keep on fighting. You are survivors. I know that you make your angels proud everyday. And be gentle with yourself. Listen to your heart as you work through the grieving and healing processes as everyone is different and you know what is best for you. Take care.

Gummybear · June 2010

Thank youso much for sharing your story. It was beautifully written and I love the advice you give (should be doing this, etc., I should have done this etc.).

I also have a neice or nephew due 4 weeks after my son was due. It touches my heart to see what you wrote about your neice and son. I hope I can be as strong.

tiffanysbride · June 2010

Thank you for sharing your story. All stories like yours give me hope. We too lost our son due to a cord accident, at least that is the best guess. It was a touch short and his legs were wrapped, they think he was unable to get free and there was a cord prolapse.

I've decided answers don't really make it any easier and I finally am at that point you were talking about. As we approach his due date all of the should have beens are too hard and not real. While hard to do I have to stop myself from going there on a regular basis. Just like I have stopped looking at his pictures for now, they aren't helpful at this point in time. They were and will be again I am sure.

Thank you again for sharing your story.

CashewsMommy · June 2010

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really means a lot to me. It gives me a lot of hope for our future.

jerriesgirl · June 2010

Thank you for sharing your story.

a&b=him&me · June 2010

Thank you for sharing your story. We did not have a stillbirth, but the advise you provided is good to know. I have been playing the blame game and the what if's with myself.

Thank you.

anonomity · June 2010

Thanks so much for sharing your story, and best wishes for your little girl!

TeamK07 · June 2010

Thank you very much for sharing your story. I wish you and your family the best!

sydney0928 · June 2010

So sweet of you to share your story, I know it means a lot to those still going through the hardest times and to those who are further out like me. Good luck with your pregnancy and stay strong!

tlcW0714 · June 2010

Thank you so much for sharing your story! It is good to see someone who came out on the otherside. I wish they wouldn't even talk about how they stop moving a lot towards the end of the pregnancy, I think it gave a lot of us false comfort. It did me anyway! Good Luck with this pregnancy! and thank you again!

Ioulia · June 2010

Thanks for sharing! Much luck to your and your family!

mom2anangel · June 2010

Lisa, thank you for sharing your story - I shared my story last week on Tuesday on the 3 year anniversary of my sons birth/death. It's been a long road of healing and having my daughter has helped. I am now pregnant again and tomorrow is my big ultrasound (when we first learned of the issues our son had) and I'm anxious but so calm about the appointment. I know we have already been through the worst and if something else happens we will get through the pain and heal again.

I also talk about my pregnancy with my son a lot as those are the only memories I have with him, babies and my daughter after she was born did reminde me of what I had missed out on but that quickly went away as she got older. Our son is his own person and our daughter did not replace him...she's a different person and I don't want her growing up in the shadows of her brother. He is a part of our lives and will always be but I never wanted his death to hold me back from a wonderful life or hold any of our future children back from having the life they deserved.

GL to you, I pray that you can get through your pregnancy with peace in your heart and that your daughter brings you every joy that a daughter can provide. She will never replace your son Daren but she will help to fill your empty arms.

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