Let's Talk Adoption

Ashleysred · June 2010

Since it was mentioned in the Check-In.

Let's discuss. Would you adopt?

I am not opposed to having more than one child, just doing the whole pregnancy/PP thing again won't be happening. Timm would prefer to have two kids. I am a one or three kid kinda gal, so not sure how we will handle that part!

We have been thinking about adopting. Timm actually brought it up to talk about a couple weeks ago when I said that I wanted to get my tube tied. We wouldn't start the process until K is a year old just to be sure that we can really handle taking on another child.

I have always wanted to be a faster parent but I think I would get too attached and wouldn't be able to let the child go to another home. But foster to adopt would be something I would be interested in doing though.

I don't know anyone that has gone through an adoption process personally, I knew a lot of adopted kids but my mom wasn't exactly close to their parents, ya know. I imagine the process is emotionally rough.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

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natalee215 · June 2010

I asked Brian back before we were married if he would be open to adoption if we couldn't have kids of our own and he said he wasn't sure. Obviously I would have talked him into it if it came down to it because I wouldn't be satisfied with my life if I wasn't able to have a family. I've asked him the same question at some point during the pregnancy and he flat out said no. Now that he knows we were able to concieve one of our own, he isn't interested. I believe if we weren't able to have another child of our own, we probably would end up just having one despite the fact that he doesn't want an only child. If given the choice of an only child or one of own and one adopted, I think he would opt for just one of our own.

From everything I know, adoption seems to be an extremely long, expensive and emotionally draining process that I personally am not very interested in. The one girl that I know personally that adopted went through a 4 year process. This was only to adopt a 4 year old girl. I believe if she wanted to adopt a baby, it could have dragged on for twice that time. Being in my mid-30s, I honestly don't have that long to invest in a process.

modom3278 · June 2010

I absolutely love the idea of adoption and would definitely consider it if we decided we wanted a bigger family. But I, like Natalee, have heard that the cost and effort are outrageous - which is really too bad because I'm sure it scares away a lot of people who would otherwise consider it. But I think if it's something you are considering, talking to an adoption agent, like Marelina said, is a great idea - just to get more info. Adoption is such an amazing thing and it's too bad more people do not consider it.

Buttercup29 · June 2010

If anyone is considering adoption, you should check and see if your company will cover any of the costs associated with adoption. I have only witnessed one couple go through the process to get their son and have been fighting tooth and nail to get his brother over here too.

I am not sure if we'll want to adopt another child due to the cost of the first one. I guess we'll wait and see what happens after bean gets here in December, but the last time I brought up another one, DH said NO. He said he would sneak out and get snipped without me knowing.

MmeBP · June 2010

DH discussed it at length at the beginning since I was told I couldn't conceive. We have many friends who had gone through the adoption process, and knew that it was a very draining commitment (both emotionally and financially). Now that we have our DS we said if we can't conceive again we will consider ourselves lucky to have had just one - we haven't discussed adoption for a sibling.

sarlah · June 2010

I've always thought I would adopt some day. I've just never seriously been able to picture myself pregnant and going through labor. I don't know if adoption is a choice out of fear or not. Right now I don't know if we'll ever have kids. And, sadly, re: adoption - I don't know how either of our families would accept an adopted grandchild. I know my IL's have said they almost adopted a baby girl once, but then decided two boys was all they could handle. Just seeing how my IL's interact with my nephews and how much they love them because they see so much of their own son in the boys... I wonder how much they could really accept a non-biological grandchild. As far as my parents go... my mom doesn't care, but my dad is like "why would you adopt when you can have your own?" kind of mentality. I know it's OUR decision and WE are the parents, but family support is really important.

Like I said, I don't know if we'll ever have kids at all. Plus I'm not sure how I would hold up with the emotional toll an adoption can take.

Mrs.N.H. · June 2010

We have discuss this...a lot. If we can't conceive we will definitely be adopting. DH believes that some families are not meant to have kids of their own, so they can give a child the chance of having a good life with adoptive parents that love him/her.

Even if we can have our own we might adopt the second one.

Also I recently heard about a couple that adopted and embryo (to be implanted in her) and she is pregnant. I think that is also a very neat idea. To give a "baby" that will otherwise be discarded a chance to live. If we can't get pregnant on our own...this is one of the options we will consider.

jebuell · June 2010

Foster to Adopt CAN be very heartbreaking. A friend of mine is going through this right now. She had one little guy for over a year and then right at 18 months (the limit a child can be in foster care without having the parental rights severed automatically by the state) the birth mother decided she wanted him back. This poor girl raised this baby from 2 days old to 18 months old and then he left her. Reunification is always the goal so the law and support tend not to be on your side- even if it should be.

Now, however, she has a little girl and the parents have already severed their parental rights and they have started the adoption process and all is going great now! But that's after many, many months of basically mourning the loss of her first son and not having the support you would get if you lost a child because people don't realize what it's like. Yes, the little boy is still alive, but she will basically never see him again or know what happens to him unless the birth Mom keeps in touch (which right now she won't).

So... yeah... go into that with caution! It can be rewarding and also very difficult.

I personally would love to adopt! I don't know what route I'd want to take, though. Ideally I'd love to adopt from a country that puts orphans in institutions rather than foster homes, but it's VERY expensive to adopt internationally. So I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess.

spiritenergy · June 2010

We are very seriously looking into adoption for #3, but it is probably going to come down to $$$. If our business makes it, then adoption is a definite possibility. If our business makes it, then we are probably done having kids.

That makes me sad. I want a big family, but it might not be realistic for us.

AprilJT · June 2010

I think adoption is a wonderful option and I would LOVE to do it someday. I have had several friends who have adopted and also one who has went the foster to adoption route. Her's so far has been working out but it can be a very heartbreaking process. If it is something that you are thinking about I would talk to someone just at least so you know the process.

MissMex · June 2010

My sister adopted all three of her children. She is unable to have children naturally, so that was her only option. She and my BIL adopted all three children in different ways. They have also ?had? 2 other children.

Their oldest child is 6. He was adopted through their church, they are LDS. It?s considered a private adoption and has some of the most stringent policies and requirements in the country. Basically the Birth mother gives the child to the church, and then the church chooses a family. The adoption is legally binding and after 30 the birth parents relinquish all rights.

Their second child was adopted through a non-profit who finds homes for terminally ill or medically fragile children who are on the verge of being institutionalized. He was born at 28 weeks, weighed 1lb and was abandoned at the hospital by his birth mother after she gave birth. He was first brought into the family as a foster with the ultimate goal of adoption. The adoption was handled by the county. The major set falls they came across dealt with were his severe medical conditions and the birth mother still claiming him for welfare after she abandoned him.

Their youngest child is 8 months. Because they have already successfully adopted a child from the county, they are on what is like a ?pre-approved? list. The church took over the adoption at the birth mother request, I believe, because it is faster than the county. They got the call on a Wednesday that a mother was going into labor, the child was born on a Thursday and they took her home on Friday. The birth mother changed her mind about 40 days in. She lost the court case and custody was awarded to my sister.

Those are the good outcomes. I say they?ve ?had? 2 other children because they had 2 other children come into their lives and had to give them back. The first was before they got their 1st child. They brought the baby home, had they baby for a few days and the birth mother changed her mind. The second was much worse. The Birth mother sought out my sister from a case worker when she became pregnant because she was never planning on keeping the baby, she lived on the streets and her husband and baby?s father was in jail. My sister went to every OB appt with her, and paid for everything. My sister was her birth coach and cut the umbilical cord. After the child was born, one of the birth mom?s druggie street friends showed up at the hospital and decided he was the father. He basically signed the birth certificate and took custody of the child so he could use her to bring his welfare benefits up.

When you meet my sister & BIL and my nephews you absolutely know that those are their kids. They are the prefect family grouping and I truly believe these kids were always meant for them. 1 child is black( county-church adoption), 1 is Egyptian( non-profit matching), and one is blonde hair blue eyes( private adoption). None of my sister?s kids look like her but she doesn?t care. They have been through a lot. Especially the oldest. Its hard on parents to plan on having a child come into the home, but hard on kids too. With the last baby, we were on pins and needles for months, not knowing if we were going to loose her too. I know She would go through it all again in a heartbeat, I?m not sure if I could do it though. DH has sad no when we?ve talked about.

I noticed that a lot of the PP mentioned $$$ being a factor. The public adoptions cost nearly nothing, in CA. The state of California pays for almost everything including health insurance until the adopted child is 21 through state programs. Not the case with the private adoption, however. If you don?t care what the baby looks like, in the state of CA, it costs less to adopt a baby, than to give birth to one with most insurance plans. With state/ county adoptions in CA you must submit you paperwork, 6 months later you are eligible to adopt and the county you live in and matching groups start contacting you.

I think you and Timm would be amazing adoptive parents, Ashley. My sister would be happy to talk to you if you want some insight into the whole process, and differences between private & public adoptions.

natalee215 · June 2010

MissMex:
The second was much worse. The Birth mother sought out my sister from a case worker when she became pregnant because she was never planning on keeping the baby, she lived on the streets and her husband and baby?s father was in jail. My sister went to every OB appt with her, and paid for everything. My sister was her birth coach and cut the umbilical cord. After the child was born, one of the birth mom?s druggie street friends showed up at the hospital and decided he was the father. He basically signed the birth certificate and took custody of the child so he could use her to bring his welfare benefits up.

This sounds just awful! I'm so sorry that your sister had to go through this!

dexspsandqs · June 2010

I have a few friends who have adopted internationally- it was a long, drawn out process but 1100% worth it to them in the end- their girls are gorgeous, lovely and wonderful!

I'd do some research and ask around on the adoption board here- you may gather some great info and resources to start you on your journey.

Ashleysred · June 2010

I am so sorry your sister had to experience that. That just sucks. And from what I have been reading this is going to be a very emotionally draining process. I might just take you up on chatting with your sis too. Thanks.

MissMex · June 2010

its draining but TOTALLY worth it.

Mrs.S_0909 · June 2010

This is something that DH and I have discussed at length too. We know that we very much want to adopt at least 1 child, maybe more. DH has twin sisters that his parents adopted and so growing up with adopted siblings it has always been something that DH wanted to do.

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