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Hawaii Babies
redshoegirl
member
the one good thing about being sick
redshoegirl
member
Because I've had a nasty cold for the last few days, Ben had to take two days off last week (Thurs and Fri) to help me take care of the boys, plus he had to be the primary caregiver this weekend as well - so he's spent four days doing about 70% of the caring for them, including the early morning (4am-ish) feed that he normally gets to sleep through. I was still helping out a bit (although trying to limit my exposure with things like touching their bottles), so he wasn't quite doing the amount of work that I normally do with them every day, but it was a lot more than he normally does.
This morning he sighed dramatically and said to me, "I'm SO TIRED. I need a break. And a nap." I gave him one of these looks: 
. And he said, "Yeah, I know. And honestly I don't know how you do this every day for weeks on end. This is sooooo hard!"
Ben has always been sympathetic, but I'm not sure he fully understood before now just how much work it is to take care of two babies, especially how relentless it is - it's not that feeding/changing/playing/soothing are especially difficult, but it's like being on a hamster wheel. You never get to say, "Well, that's done!" and not worry about it any more, because you have to repeat the entire cycle in another couple of hours. He'd never taken care of them by himself for longer than about 2 hours before this (and even now I was always here as backup and often gave him a hand, even when I probably shouldn't have), so I'm not sure he really got it before now - well, I'm sure he did intellectually, but actually doing it yourself is a whole other ballgame!
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Re: the one good thing about being sick
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
Oh wow Jaime, I am sorry. That's horrible. I am grateful that J "gets it"...I know we had a rough start and I take some responsibility since I was doing it all for about the first 6 weeks of L's life. But he has her everyday while I am at work and genuinely feel we're 50-50 or really, 100-100 when it comes to her and the household. He does ALL of the cooking as well as cares for the yards, the cars, and most of the pet care. He also does her diaper laundry (or will at least start it and then I'll finish it). I feel incredibly lucky. I hope Brent comes around. Perhaps you can find a time to make sure he gets a full day with A without you and he may just have a newfound appreciation of all that you're doing too. (((HUGS)))
Lisa -- glad Ben is seeing the light. Kudos to both of you for making it work with two little ones. I cannot even imagine!
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
Ugh Jaime, I'm sorry! I hope Brent gets it soon!
Ben is really pretty good about pitching in, especially compared to a lot of the husbands I read about on the 0-3 board...when he's home at night, he helps with the feedings, changes them, will go to them if they're fussing so I can have a break, etc. And he knew before this that I had a harder job - like you said, it's 24/7, which is how I put it to him one time ("Honey, you work 40 hours a week. I work ALL of them. It might not be super hard, but it's tiring.") - but I don't think he actually got how much constant care they need before now...and that you can't put them off to do something you want to.
Like one time over the weekend, it was veeeeery close to feeding time and the boys were starting to get a bit fussy, which is the big cue to fix their bottles because in a few minutes they're going to absolutely crack it. Ben dashed upstairs "just for a second" and was gone for 5+ minutes - and of course, in the space of that time, Will and Dash went from a little fussy to wailing. I finally shouted up the stairs, "Ben! WTF are you DOING?" and he said, "Just some of my stuff [i.e., playing around on his computer]. I'll be down in a minute." Oooooooh I was mad! I read him the riot act for that - when the babies are hungry, you FEED THEM. Your needs and wants are always, always second. It doesn't matter if you're hungry, tired, have to pee, or want to muck around on your computer for "just a minute" - babies don't understand "just a minute," and they come first. Period. Again, this was something he knew, but at the same time I'm not sure it had sunk in before now, just because I'd always been there to take care of things if he ducked away for a while.
I feel kind of silly for complaining, because like I said, he really IS good about contributing to their care - I guess it just frustrated me a little to see him trying to put them off when they needed to be taken care of (even if it was only once).
Did I ever mentioned that when Bella was tiny I would run in, change her, then latch her on and somehow I would pee, wipe and wash my hands all while breastfeeding her?... yeah so I'm a little crazy but I really HAD to go and like Lisa said, the baby came first!
Lisa, I'm glad Ben gets it most of the time... most men can kind of understand but us mom's are different... I don't care what anyone says, we mom's have a different brain that works entirely different and it revolves around our babies lives... it just does...
Jaime, I really hope Brent gets it and I mean SOON! I hope that you read this post and you read that this means that you should leave Brent to be 100% responsible for A for a few hours while you go shopping or get a pedi and mani or a massage or something! Take some time for you and take a little break, allow him to do the work so he can kind of get it a little bit. I took a yoga class when B was about 8 weeks old and left Ryan with her for 3 solid hours and when I got home he was SO thankful that I was back!! 3 hours did him in!! Just food for thought. You deserve it and he deserves to fully appreciate you!!
You know, I agree with you! I used to think this was B.S. (and just a cop-out for men) before we had Will and Dash, but these days...I really, genuinely think that we're just hardwired differently. That's not to say that men get a free pass or shouldn't contribute (far from it!), but I really do think that there are inherent differences in the way that women and men approach dealing with a baby.
you're not silly for complaining at all. i think it's good to vent here and to know that there others here who "get" how we're feeling. i would have been sooooooooooo mad/peeved at this too...i mean who goes to play on their computer when the babies starts getting hungry?!?
LOL. ok i will admit that i've done the same thing!! except i had the my brest friend nursing pillow hooked on around my waist!! i held onto both the pillow and her while running to the bathroom, peed, wiped, flushed, then carried her to sink and washed my hands and then waddled back to my chair to finish nursing her!! LOL
sarah, he has taken care of her before....occasionally i work on a day he is off so we don't need to have the sitter come... most of the time for about 4 hrs, sometimes for a full 8-10 hrs....but never more than that and i really don't think that he'll get it until he has to take care of her 24/7 for a week or something. yesterday when i got home from working a 4 hr shift, she was crying. apparently right before i walked in the door, the phone rang and woke her up as she was drifting off to sleep for her nap....i came in with several bags of groceries i had picked up on the way home and asked him why she was crying...he explained...and since i was unpacking groceries, i said "well then you better go get her and put her back to sleep or else she's going to keep crying." he then had the nerve to tell me "no, i've been dealing her all morning. you deal with her now. i need a break." yeah, seriously. that's what he said
we're finally visiting my parents soon (it'll be the first time anyone outside of my immediate family has seen her) and after he leaves to go back to work i am staying an extra 2 wks w/my parents and i am looking fwd to having the extra help. really i have just come to accept things for the way that they are...and now that i am not dealing with post partum hormone changes i'm no longer feeling depressed about it. he starts the 2nd yr of his residency next month and told me "it only gets better from here" (in reference to his involvement w/her) but i still don't know how much of an active parent he'll be...it is what it is and while i hope that he comes around soon, i'm not holding my breath anymore.
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats