Am I being selfish??

georgia_aust · June 2010

This is my first baby and I want everything to be special. I want the gender to be a surprise. I don't want to know until I give birth. However, DH and MIL have been hounding me about this. They really want to know the gender. But, if DH knows, I know he'll slip up and tell me. He'll start referring to the baby as a he or she instead of "the baby". So many people are complaining that they're not going to know what to buy the baby because so many baby things are gender colored. I can't help but feel like I'm being selfish, even though I want to hear the doctor say "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" for the first time when I'm giving birth. What are your thoughts?

LadyXaverian · June 2010

I am just lurking here, but I wanted to respond. Hope you don't mind.

My thought is this. MIL doesn't get a say. It's between you and YH. Beyond that, I would just say that it would be good if you could come to an agreement. Although, my husband's niece and her husband were not in agreement. He found out; she didn't, and he managed to keep it a secret from her until the day their DS was born. (No one else knew what the sex of the baby was except for him)

Jhawks482 · June 2010

I don't think you're being selfish, but I think you and DH will need to agree on what you guys want to do. As far as MIL, it's not her baby, not her choice- don't let her hound you.

In my opinion, I think finding out the sex is still a "surprise" whether you're 20 weeks, or 40 weeks.

georgia_aust · June 2010

I wouldn't mind just DH knowing... if he could keep a secret. lol. And MIL has been driving me crazy ever since we told her I was pregnant. She doesn't agree with anything DH and I have planned and have already agreed on.

mr&mrswelch · June 2010

do whatever you want. Your DH and you need to be on the same page, but you certainly don't owe your MIL or your friends information about the sex of the baby.

Oilers_Mama · June 2010

I think you should drop the subject for now. You have a few weeks to think about it and one of you might change your mind. But instead of arguing about it from now until the time you're able to find out, just revisit the issue later and hopefully he will respect your wishes and you can find a nice compromise. GL!

momofbeans · June 2010

This is up to you and your DH, your MIL has nothing to do it. You don't really need to be at an agreement until your closer to 20wks. For me, it's just as much a suprise at 20wks as when the baby is born. But, I had suprises too. As for people know what to get, I heard of something when I was pregnant from somebody who wasn't finding out the gender. At the party each person who got an outfit got the gender they thought it was, of course kept the receipt on it. You wash all the gender neutral things and maybe your favorite outfits. But for the most part once the baby comes then you return the outfits that are the wrong gender and you get to pick out outfits that you like. Sounds like a fun way of doing things. It's best for the big items to be gender neutral anyway.

Jenniferk08 · June 2010

i do not want to know and H does.. i explained to him that when he gives birth he can decide to know or not until then i want the surprise.

also there are plenty of gender neutral clothes so that's not an issue.

stick to your guns

Kanne0729 · June 2010

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Who cares what your MIL wants you to do, it's not her baby, so she doesn't have a say in it. As far as your husband goes, you two need to get together and come to an agreement on what you're going to do.

luckybride1128 · June 2010

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Your MIL has no say I would just ignore her. You can explain to your DH that when you're in the hospital, wanting to find out the gender of your baby will make you push harder and keep labor going. As far as the gift thing, I never understood this rediculous argument. When the baby is born, you can dress it in gender neutral clothes (they do exist, hello white!!). People will be bringing you outfits before you even leave the hospital. I find that the mothers who know the gender get more clothes at their shower rather than the big stuff that is really needed. Even if you do know the gender, you wouldn't want a gender specific stroller, highchair, etc because what if you have for instance a boy, then a girl. ::steps off soap box:: obviously I am team green. There are few good surprises in life --- this should be one of them. Ps sorry for run on paragraph on my iPhone!

Lissa832 · June 2010

I think it is possible to compromise. If you really don't want to know until birth, but he does want to know, then why not meet in the middle. Wait until your baby shower. Have the doctor put the sex in a sealed envelope. Give the envelope to whoever throws you the baby shower when it is time to send out invites. The host can let the other people know what you are having through the invites so they can buy gender specific items. You and your DH can find out at the baby shower, together.

It isn't exactly finding out at the birth, but that is what compromise is all about. I don't really think it is fair to say, "I don't want to know, so you can't either." I think you both should have a equal say in this, so your only viable option, IMO, is to compromise.

njmoh · June 2010

Not at all...I'm in the same boat except my DH agrees with me but my MIL and his side of the family do not. Luckily my sister is pregnant and due a few weeks ahead of me so my family is satisfied with finding out the gender of hers. IN response to the I don't know what to get i tell them not too worry they'll be lots of options on the registry. In my way of thinking i'm not being selfish i feel like the whole pregnancy is about me the shower for me no matter how much you try to include your DH you are the one thats pregnant to me, his moment is going out to the waiting room and announcing to our family "it's a ...." I want him to have that moment.

Conway714 · June 2010

I don't think you're being selfish. I agree with luckybride that people who know the gender get more clothes than big items on their registry.

I really think that both ways are fun. We always find out and name the baby shortly afterward, and then we refer to the baby by name. We love doing it that way because we feel like it makes things more real and the baby feels more like a part of the family already.

However, that said I have friends who don't find out, and they wouldn't do it any other way.

Maybe since this is the first baby, you could agree not to find out, and then if you are planning to have more kids, you can find out with the next one?

virginiagirl11 · June 2010

One of my friends is due in early August and she doesn't know the sex of her baby. Her husband wanted to know but, in the end, they agreed not to find out. It's been exciting for those of us watching her progress. We've all got guesses and family members who "predict" baby genders are placing their bets as well. It's silly and fun.

Her shower was just this morning and she got tons of baby gifts, including plenty of gender-neutral clothing. It's not that hard to find gender-neutral gifts so if you want it to be a surprise, let it be a surprise!

LadyDelilah · June 2010

I would talk to your H and see why he wants to know so badly and if its b/c of his mom tell them to just wait and let you have this one. Its your body your baby your choice...

arpetree1 · June 2010

I dont think it is selfish. But it is your DH baby too. Maybe find out but dont tell anyone else? I dunno. I was team green and I totally caved...lol

LifesPeachy · June 2010

Contrary to what the PP said, you are NOT being even a little bit selfish. Yes, it's DH's baby too but you're the one doing all the work right now. If you want to wait to be surprised then DH should support you on that. You are going through 9 months of carrying a child and doing immense work to do so- I think dads should be the ones to compromise here, not moms!!! Agreed that your MIL needs to butt out!!

FWIW, DH & I want to find out but we are not going to have the u/s tech tell us. We will have them write it down in an envelope and we will open it on our own together, at a later point. Make it more special that way. I think some random person telling you "Its a boy" or "Its a girl" is so impersonal and why should they share on my private experience? We might wait till Christmas morning to open the envelope. Smile With my older DD, I didn't find out and it was the best thing in the world to hear the doctor tell us "Its a girl!" (That's different than an u/s tech :P )

We might change our minds and wait till it's born but I do know everyone around me will support my decision and not pressure me one way or the other. Are you going to create a baby registry? Because really people should be buying you gifts from your registry- that will take out their so called dilemma of not knowing what items to buy because they don't know the sex of your baby. If they want to get you something off the registry, then it is NOT that hard to find something gender neutral!

elfgirl11 · June 2010

no...you are not being selfish.....I would include DH though! (on the other hand he isn't sick, tired, peeing constantly, unable to eat, cramping, hair on legs growing twice as fast, nipples hurting, taking nauseating vitamins and doing kegels!...)

seriously, people should not be so selfish in their shopping!~ get the family items they need in gender neutrals! I think everyone wants to buy a pink dress or a choo choo onesie and they forget that you could use a bunch of BPA free bottles, a breast pump or a gift certificate for a massage!

my MIL already bought a bassinet...without asking anything about our preferences...and then (I do sew) it doesn't have "the fancy covering" so I'm supposed to finish making it first! ughh.

MichelleL1118 · June 2010

Our compromise (because really, your DH helped make the baby, he should have some say) is that we will find out, but we won't tell anyone else that we know or share that info with others until Christmas. We're due in mid-January. That way, at our shower, we'll get gender-neutral clothes and things that we actually need, and people who really want to buy us gender-specific clothes will be able to do so between Christmas & our due date.

SBear12 · June 2010

I don't think you're being selfish, but I do think it's nice for your DH to have some say in it, if possible. MIL, on the other hand, shouldn't factor into the equation at all.

It's hard for me to totally get where you're coming from, because I'm a planner and I wanted to know as soon as humanly possible, but I know lots of women like having the element of surprise as motivation to get them through the birth. In which case, I think your opinion should count more than DH's, since you're the one actually pushing the baby out of you. But otherwise, if possible, I'd consider what your motivations are and see if there's any way to compromise, for DH's sake.

NewFamily09 · June 2010

I don't think you are being selfish at all! Well, maybe you are but if ever in your life you have a right to be, it is now! You are the one going through this pregnancy and you will be the one giving birth, not anyone else. If it is your one wish to be surprised at birth, then DH should understand that and give it to you. He's the only one who should have a say, but if he's a good husband, he'll honor your wishes. As for MIL and anyone else, just ignore them and tell them if it's that much of a pain to shop for you then they can wait until after the baby is born or not buy anything. Trust me, there is actually very little you need when the baby is born. They can buy you clothes and stuff in the days and weeks that follow the birth and it will work out fine. If you find out the sex and miss out on your surprise, you'll likely regret it.

thaira · June 2010

No your not being selfish...Forget about your MIL. You and DH do need to agree.

As far as people not knowing what to buy you. You only get ONE big shower and wouldnt it be nice if all your items were gender neutral for your sons and daughters to come.

kps31kms2 · June 2010

No, you are not being selfish. DH and I were having the same conversation, except he is the one who wants to wait until the birth to find out. My compromise was that since we are waiting until after the 1st trimester to tell our families (his choice, I want to scream from the rooftops) then we will find out the sex. He wouldn't even agree to that. His alternate compromise was that if I was having multiples we'd find out the sex --- well, we are having twins and he has conviently forgotten the conversation. LOL. I think he is just testing the pregnancy hormones. Stick out tongue

As far as MIL is concerned, this is between you and your DH, she needs to respect that and maybe try to think back to how she would have felt if her MIL tried to dictate what she did during her pregnancy.

Want a personalized experience?

Am I being selfish??

Re: Am I being selfish??

Choose Another Board

Search Boards