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Parenting
Trying very hard to respect my DH's POV
DH's dad passed away 2.5 years ago. DH just left to go visit the cemetary where he is buried. It is about 1.5 hours from here. He will be gone a minimum of 3 hours, probably longer.
I totally respect the fact that he wants to pay his respects to his dad (an awesome dad and the best FIL I could ever have asked for - I miss him so much) but I think his dad would be the first to say that he shouldn't waste a beautiful Sunday morning, especially Father's Day, sitting in the car when you could be spending it with his own beautiful children.
He could go any time, why does it have to be today? We discussed him bringing DS with him, but it's just a long time for a 3yo to sit in the car and DS just wouldn't get it. Sadly, he won't remember him even though we talk about him all the time. Maybe I'm just sad because I miss him too, especially on Father's day.
Anyway, hopefully he'll be back by 11 and we'll get to take advantage of the rest of the day together.
Okay, I feel better getting that out. Thanks and Happy Father's day.
Susie, mom to DS 4/10/07 and DD 3/6/09 (MC 9/05, 2/06)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Trying very hard to respect my DH's POV
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
I agree with this 100%
{Ava 5.16.06} {Ella 12.29.07} {Drew 2.9.10}
My perspective is a little different. I lost my Dad in 2001. So the shoe is on the other foot.
Today is a day that would make perfect sense for me to visit his grave. I'm not going. NOT because it is Father's Day and I should be with my husband, the Father of my child. But because visiting graves isn't something I do. I can't do it. I am an athiest and the actual resting place of my Father's body isn't somewhere I feel like I need to be. That being said, it is also a place that would make me face my loss and "deal with it" ... and I can't do that either - I'm crying just sitting here typing this. I will remember my Dad in other ways today ... like stopping for a scoop of lemon custard (his favorite), etc. I know my Mom would be thrilled if I went to visit his grave, and I feel guilt that I am not going for her.
Perhaps your husband needs to be in that space to deal with the loss of his Dad. He might need to be there to fully face his emotions and process them all. Or perhaps he feels olike it is what he is supposed to do ... that it is what his family or society expects of him?
Either way ... a few hours at the grave will not diminish the love he has for your family. And you are living and can enjoy his company year round on pretty weekends that he won't feel pulled to the cemetery.
Exactly. I'm not even sure why you are having an issue with this..
I lost my father in July of 2001 and to this day it's still hard. If I could go visit my father's grave today, I would. Even if that meant a 3 hour car ride total. Unfortunately, I can't because we live in FL and my father is buried in WI.
I can't speak for your husband, but for me, it gives me a sense of peace when I'm there and I go visit everytime I'm in WI. I have gone with family, but I prefer to go by myself. I just need some time to reflect on what happened, how much I miss him, and all the milestones he's missed in life (my wedding, the birth of my son, etc). He was an amazing man and is missed dearly.
When we lived in WI I always went to the cemetary on his birthday, father's day, and the day he passed away. It's something I needed to do for me and those days were significant days in my father's life. Perfect days to honor him by going to visit his resting place (well of his body, I believe he's in Heaven).
Losing a parent is huge and something that is with you the rest of your life. It's not taking up all of your day as a family and it's obviously something your husband needs to do for him. So when he gets back don't get on him about needing to go or anything like that. Just be happy for him he was able to have some peace today about his father's passing and enjoy the rest of your day as a family.
I agree. He wants to spend some time at his father's grave on Father's Day. It seems perfectly reasonable to me, and he's not spending the whole day there. This post makes you sound really insensitive.
I know it's frustrating when you want your DH to be around to celebrate him and Fathers Day, but he's a guy. Chances are this is his way to go by himself cry, mourn and remember his dad. A lot of guys don't feel they can openly express these emotions and don't often have the same network as women do to express their emotions to. I bet as the years go on there might be a Fathers Day when he doesn't feel the need to do this, but for now I'd let him go, don't say a negative word about it and give him a big hug when he gets home. And be glad you guys are all together later in the day to celebrate.
I lost my father 5 years ago and if my DH ever gave me the slightest bit of grief over visiting his grave on any day, let alone Father's Day, we'd have a huge problem. I hope you're able to keep your thoughts to yourself. Respect the fact that it is not a "waste" for him to go visit his father. ( I, too, found that comment very offensive). For him, its a time to honor and remember his father,. How could that ever be a waste? Would you not want your own children to show their own father such consideration, or YOU, when the time comes?
This.
The OP really made me sad.
You take my ovaries, I take your yarns.
This.
You get every single day with your husband, and your children get their father every single day. Your DH will never see his father again. And if this is how he wants to spend his Father's Day - then you should respect that. As a wife, a mother, a friend, and a HUMAN BEING.
The only time I would have an issue with what my DH was doing during Father's Day is if he asked to spend it getting jiggy at a strip club doing blow off a hooker's a$$. And even then, EH, I may be okay with it if I had childcare and could spend the day alone at a Spa. lol
Mommy to Rachel 1.15.06 and Ashley 5.17.11
Wow. I really hope you didn't say anything to him. If he wanted to spend the entire day there, that would be his right, and if I was his wife I would be asking myself and him what I could do to support him in doing what he wanted to do on Father's Day. It's his day to spend how he chooses. I wouldn't even be pissed if my husband wanted to play golf all day (where he is right now, actually), let along visit his father's grave. Whatever he wants to do, it's HIS DAY. Actually, Father's Day or not, if my DH were to lose a parent, I would ALWAYS support him in however he needed to deal with that. I hope you got over yourself.
I was driving back from the lake this morning and passed a cemetery. I saw a young man standing alone in front of a grave in the hot sun. It brought tears to my eyes thinking about what that man was thinking/feeling.
I think it is lovely that your DH does that to honor his fathers memory and I think it sets a good example for your children.