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FloF9
member
I wasn't going to post but need opinions...
FloF9
member
SS is in Honduras for our church mission. His mother sent him money ($150) "towards the trip cost". I will give you a break down of what it cost not because of the cost of the trip but rather to see how SS thinks.
The registration cost was $375 (includes travel from hotel and town, lunch, etc...) Round trip Flight cost $344, mission polo shirt $25, passport was $105, Hotel - (breakfast is included) $520, Dinner (average $15 a night) $120, and $33 to get back into the US (visa fees I think). So roughly the entire thing cost $1500. So I suggested he ask his mother to send him some money towards the cost of the trip. She sent him $150. So when the money got there SS says: "Okay so this money my mom is giving me is towards dinner. So if I don't eat dinner - can the money that remains stay mine?".
So DH and I were thinking about this and we could see his wheels turning. So DH asks him "okay so please tell me you're not going to NOT have dinner just so you can keep the money". SS replies "no I'm not going to do that but if I just spend let's say $10 a night instead of $15 a night can I keep the money that's left over? Then he does on to remind us that BM "gave him this money for food", which is untrue - she gave him money TOWARDS the entire trip. So he goes to explain that it's been a year since he was living with us again and she hasn't sent him any spending money so technically he should keep the money that is left over.
We're a little put off by this thinking. I personally have mixed feelings - it's like he saw us dishing out this money for the trip, but then he gets to keep the leftovers. Are we wrong?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I wasn't going to post but need opinions...
It's stories like this that make me grateful we live paycheck to paycheck. We'll never have $1500 to spend. If SD wants to go somewhere for that kind of money, she can work and rasie it herself (though we'll help all we can), and same goes for DS. That's how we were raised, that's how our kids will be raised.
That way issues like this never arise. Whatever money is leftover, really is theirs to keep.
Well I think that if BM was helping you guys pay for the trip, then she should have sent the money to you, not to SS. Since that didn't happen, you gotta give SS some credit here for taking a little bit of money and figuring out how he can cut back on his expenses so he can have some left over...maybe he should get into finances when he grows up
Seriously though, I can see why you feel the way you do. But if BM intended that money for SS to have on his trip, then I guess it's his to spend however he wants and now you can spend $150 less on the trip.
Edited to add that if SS is 16 and has a job, then I thnk he should contribute in some way for this trip.
No, that's not what I was trying to say at all. I was just kind of thinking out loud. I've been worrying about money a lot lately, and this makes me realize that even if you can save up some money to do something nice (like sending your kids on a mission trip - yes, I know the difference between that and vacation - and read your thread about it before), because we would certianly love to be able to give ours more than we can now, it's not all roses and tulips. Sorry if I offended you.
But honestly, I think that any teenager would think that way. I know I did when I was a kid. Except, I didn't tell my parents when I came into extra money or had any leftover. Him asking you about the leftovers is a good thing. Better than you finding extra cash laying in his sock drawer later and wondering where in the world it came from, right?
Well I think that if BM was helping you guys pay for the trip, then she should have sent the money to you, not to SS.
BM doesn't work that way - she and I were also corresponding and they money was towards the entire trip - not for him.
Oy - I knew I shouldn't have posted.
Ladies, please excuse me if I seem overly sensitive. I've had a rough day at work and not much sleep because of the baby. I over think things when SS is concerned because I care, and I have and keep investing in him and his future. It sometimes seems like every effort or thought I have gets misconstrued or whatever I say gets taken as I'm micro managing his life. He has many issues the major being adandonment by his mother. This plays a HUGE factor in how he treats his dad and especially me.
I have talked to him directly till I'm blue in the face about everything because I care. I worry about him, I want him to succeed. Please believe me when I say I am his cheerleader. Anyway maybe what we're dealing with will help prepare me for when my own kids hit the teenage years.
I think his logic is that of a 16 year old. Of course you would like for him to return any money that is not spent during the trip, but in reality he's thinking of the extra cash he can put in his pocket. You can't fault him for that.
Just tell him that any money left over will go to the reimbursement of other fees associated with with trip like the Mission shirt or the visa fees.
I can't remember if you said that you spoke with BM or if SS spoke with BM. If he spoke with her he probably offered that she cover his dinner costs with the idea of pocketing the extra money. Again, typical teenage behavior.
Lurker opinion FWIW:
I would explain to SS that there really isn't any "extra" when it comes to this $150 because it was towards the entire trip, and that's what you and his BM had talked about. Remind him of the sacrifice that you and DH are making for him, how excited you are for him, how much fun he'll have, and that you have been willing to buy him little things for the plane, etc. I would also remind him that now that he is old enough to work, he is responsible for providing his own spending money, but that you and DH will still help him do things that are special or important, such as this missions trip.
I personally do not think he should get to keep any of this $150, and I think it's a good lesson for him in being responsible with money and pitching in, doing your part, and not feeling entitled.
I hope he has a great time and I think it's awesome that you and DH are helping him do this!
another (new) lurker opinion:
I would tell him no that he can't keep the money to make sure he eats well. If he comes back with any, do what you want with it then - whether it is keep it or give it to him.
Hmm, I have to say I don't find it bizzare that a 16 year old kid would like to have $5 extra a day for whatever, if he spends only $10 on dinner. I think that's reasonable (as I'm not sure you mentioned he was given much pocket money, besides the $30 you gave him for a book or something I think?)
IDK, it's not a huge amount of money that I would want to go into a lengthy conversation with a teenager over. I do understand you are upset that you guys paid so much for it and his mother paid...what...10%?? But, in all fairness, that's not his fault - that his mom is a douche. It's also not his fault that the trip was so much and you guys probably sacrificed a lot for it (so you're trying to get at least something back). You have to remember - you mentioned it yourself - you gladly did it for him. So, I would let it go, and let him keep the $5/day extra.
Who knows, you may really miss the boat while trying to talk to him about this, because you may only end up making him feel bad that his mother doesn't contribute (he has issues with that already, so he may be extra sensitive) and you guys are trying to get every penny out of what she sent to help with your expenses you incurred already. If you see it from the other side - it may end being a big guilt trip, instead of a conversation that you originally intended to have with him....no?