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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
I'm in pure hell at the moment
I'm not sure if you remember my story, but I started bleeding on Friday. I had some tests taken and my beta as 1200. My pro. level was 4. Sunday was a trying day. I had a lot of bleeding and cramping and blood clots (Huge) Monday we took more tests and had an ultrasound. My beta numbers went up to 3100. They saw the sac. I've continued to have bleeding on and off. Yesterday I was having sharp pains...perhaps contractions. My OB is unsure. I went in for beta tests today. My numbers increased. I'm at 4500...higher, but not doubled like they would like. The bleeding has stopped, but my doctor does not think I have a healthy pregnancy. I'm experiencing a lot of cramping. On Friday, I go in for more tests and have another ultrasound.
This has been going on for 6 incrediably painful days. I've tried to put up a brave front but I am dying inside. I physically ache and I am so scared. I scared of what we'll find. I'm scared that we'll see a heartbeat, but that we'll see the baby dying in front of eyes. I'm afraid of getting a d & c or taking the scary drug. I'm scared that I'll never be the same again...that a piece of my heart will die. I'm scared to tell my friend and family how I feel. I feel so alone even though I have people around who love me.
I have never felt this kind of pain before in my entire life...will I come back from this? Can a person come back from this? The waiting is killing me.
Lor
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Re: I'm in pure hell at the moment
Lor,
I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. I have lost two pregnancies very early in the process. My last lost was just confirmed today - now I have to wait for the bleeding. I can totally relate to putting up a brave front. I wish I could be easier on myself - I wish I could let myself fall apart a little - I wish I could fix it. I will never be the same. I can only hope that my experiences can help other people.
I have read many, many stories about women who bleed, and bleed a lot, that continue to have healthy pregnancies. No matter what happens, you CAN come back from this.
I hope that Friday comes quickly for you - if not, insist that you be seen tomorrow.
MP,
I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I think being able to talk to people who are going through what I am is the only thing that is keeping me sane. I will pray for you and yours. Thank you for your kindness and please take care of yourself.
Lor
I'm so sorry you are going through such pain. ?I can't imagine going through so many conflicting signs and not knowing what is going on. ?The physical pain eventually goes away. ?Unfortunately, I don't think the emotional pain ever does. ?It definitely gets better and you will come back from it. ?Eventually you'll enjoy things you normally enjoy and feel hopeful for another pregnancy, but you'll forever be changed. ?
I hope your outcome turns out differently. ??
I have been following your story and hoping that things work out for you. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain right now. Everyone on this board understands the incredible mix of emotions that you are experiencing right now, that's why we all feel so comfortable talking here. Please feel free to vent here anytime.
For your sake, I truly hope that things work out and you won't have to join our group ... it is the best little group that no one ever wants to be a part of. Just know that no matter what happens, you WILL get through this, and come out even more determined to fufill your dreams of motherhood and with even more love to offer the baby that will be lucky enough to be born to you. I know it's hard to believe right now, but you can come back from this.
I hope that this is just a scare and you get good news on Friday. You will certainly be in my thoughts and prayers. Please let us know how things go!
I amso sorry you are going through this. I am hoping and praying you get some good news on Friday. Hang in there and know we are all here for you.
((hugs))
I am so very sorry that you are dealing with this, it must be so hard. First, you are not alone -- please come here anytime! We have all unfortunately experienced losses and this is a very open and safe place to be. I understand about waiting, I had to go in for an u/s every week for three and a half weeks -- I did not have my levels checked but I did see the baby grow every time only to find out that the heart never started. The waiting is so hard and emotional.
I felt a similar way about the D&C and misoprostol. If you have any questions about it (which I hope that you don't have decide on) there are members of this board who have done one or both and can help you calm your fears. It is perfectly normal to be scared.
Even though it does not feel like it now, it will get better but it will take the time you need it too. Don't worry abou that right now, just focus on yourself and lean on you family as much as you can. I pray that this has a good ending for you! <<hugs>>
I am so sorry that you are going through this......"beta hell" is the worst....keep your head up. Also, you may want to try posting on the SAIF/Trouble TTC board......there are a lot of girls on that board that have had slow rising betas with positive stories.
I hope you can get some more definite answers soon.....I am sending you positive vibes for your b/w and u/s tomorrow.....please keep us posted.
I have had two m/c's.....one was natural and one I had to have a D&C. I promise that you WILL get through this. Its really hard to believe that at this time, but as time goes on, it will get better.....and right now, you don't even know that this is going to have a bad ending! So stay positive......remember the mantra's: you are PG today
You are not alone....we are all here for you and we all "get it."
(((HUGS)))
I'm so sorry you've been going through this...I have been following your story too and the agony of not knowing is worse than anything. Like all the pp's said, this is the place that you should be able to share any and all emotions you're feeling whether they're fear, frustration, or just plain bitterness. And don't feel like you have to put up a brave front -- when I found out I sobbed hysterically for 3 full days. But I'm hoping and praying that everything is going to be okay for you.
To answer one of your questions, personally I do think this experience has changed me a bit, but it's not such a bad thing. It definitely helps you put your life in perspective and teaches you (however frustrating it can be) to learn patience and that you can't control everything. I think once you have an answer it will be much easier for you. The uncertainty is, like you said, pure hell. Whenever you need to shout, we're here for you.
Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. I've been up since 6 and three hours later, I finally dragged myself out of bed. I am blessed to be off work today. Besides the frequent burst of tears, I am doing much better today. One thing that my doctor asked me on Friday is still going over and over in my head, "Do you feel pregnant?" No. I don't. I don't have to pee all the time, I'm not sick (I was sick my ENTIRE first pregnancy...3 times a day on average) and my only symptoms are sour breasts. I guess that is something.
I'm going to make myself get dressed and go out for breakfast. Then I'm going to come home and clean up my home....well, the main rooms atleast. Then I won't sit around all day and feel sorry for myself.
There is still hope...my doctor been very plain spoken and doesn't think there is...but there is still hope. And if not w/ this pregnancy, with the next. I have a healthy (almost) 3-year-old. He is my daily comfort.
I am so sorry. Hang on, you still have hope.
I'll be praying for you and your baby.