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How do I act around my friend and her daughter.

4Speedy4Speedy member
in Special Needs

My BFF has a daughter who has been a handful from day one.  I know she has been through many therapies and has seen many specialists.  From what I can put together, she has a lot of sensory integration problems.  I know that they have been coached on how to handle it because I will hear my friend use phrases like "you need to stay in charge of yourself," when her DD starts to have a meltdown.  (I recognize that as a phrase commonly used by therapists because my mom used it a lot--she taught young adults with autism for 28 years.)  As close as I am with this friend, she really goes out of her way to avoid any discussion about her daughter's special needs. 

I don't really know what to do when her DD has one of her meltdowns.  Mostly, I try to go to a different part of the house and distract my kids while my friend has privacy to deal with her DD.  But when it's over, I never know if I should acknowledge what happened.  Sometimes my 4 yo will ask questions (while standing right next to "E" and her mom)  about "why did "E" act like that?" and I never know what to tell her.  I feel like I can't say anything about the difficulties the little girl has, because as I said, my friend has never really acknowledged them to me.

Also, a lot of the meltdowns seem to occur as we are packing up to leave their house.  (I take my 1 yo & 4 yo to their house to swim in their pool about 2 times a month--there is no such thing as a quick exit with all the gear I have to pack up.)  I never know what to do in this situation, either.  I usually try to pack up as quickly as possible and keep moving out the door so as not to prolong the setting that is upsetting my friend's daughter.  I never know if I (and my kids) should stop to say goodbye to the little girl and her mom or if that will just make it worse.  I always feel like I'm sneaking out of their house.  I never know, should I stay, should I go, should I say something, should I just beat it, what? Do I pretend like it's not happening?  I don't want my fiend to think we are sneaking out because we are uncomfortable or embarrassed for her.  It's complicated by the fact that my friend doesn't talk about it, but it's kind of like the pink elephant standing in the middle of the room. 

I don't want my friend to think that I think there is something "wrong" with her daughter, so I am reluctant to bring it up if she doesn't bring it up first.  The truth is, I think her daughter is actually a pretty bright, funny, charming little girl.  What kinds of statements or phrases should I use to acknowledge the behavior (especially as it is happening) to my friend and also my own kids so it doesn't sound condescending to my friend?

 

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Re: How do I act around my friend and her daughter.

  • 4Speedy4Speedy member
    Also, I don't think my friend needs to tell me the details of her daughter's situation.  I don't mean to imply that I think she should sit me down and acknowledge the diagnosis, treatment plan, etc.  That's their business, not mine.  I am just simply talking about acknowledging the behaviors as they are occurring so were not all whistling and staring at the ceiling and trying not to make eye contact with my friend so she won't think we're judging her parenting.  (I kind of get the feeling that my friend is always on guard because she feels like she and her daughter are being judged.)
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  • skittles_123skittles_123 member

    First of all, I must say you are a great friend. Many friends would have pulled away and not brought their kids around this type of situation anymore. I think your BFF probably appreciates that more than she will ever express to you.

    This is a tough situation. If your children ask questions, answer it truthfully, but simple enough for them to understand. If a child asks me why my ds does such and such, I don't say, well he has autism. They don't get that. I tell them, well, he just gets really excited or nervous sometimes, and this is how he deals with it.

    Remove the elephant in the room. I would make sure to tell her up front that you think she is a great mom and really admire her. Then just talk about it. Ask questions about what she is going through, offer your help. She may be nervous talking about it, but if you go into it with the attitude that you want her to "teach" you, she may be more up for that.

     

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  • meghans30meghans30 member
    I think I would ask your friend what she would like you to do when this happens in a casual way. My son has SPD and can get out of control when there is a lot going on. Birthday parties are a good example. I'm pretty open about it, so I just explain that Trev needs to go to a quiter spot to calm down.
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  • bugmommybugmommy
    I also think you are a great friend!  I'm the opposite of your friend, so I'm not 100% what's going on in her head.  She may still be struggling with accepting her DD's diagnosis/challenges herself.  Normally if a child has a hard time with with transitions it helps to warn them, so maybe if you told your kids "we have 10 minutes until we pack up and leave", ditto at 5, 3, and 1 minute it might help.  As far as your daughter, I would just tell her something like, "sometimes you get sad when friends leave before you are ready and E is just sad we are leaving".  When the tantrum is happening I think I would just ask if there is something you can do to help or if they need some space.  Hopefully she'll be willing to open up to you soon.  She may not know how to approach it either.
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  • Glendi2.0Glendi2.0
    image-auntie-:

    "I adore your DD- she's bright and funny and charming. But I don't know what the best thing is for me to do when things are hard for her. What do you want me to do when she's upset that we're leaving?"

    That's perfectly stated, Auntie... it simply acknowledges a particular issue that's occurring,  and shows your concern. Nothing more.

    Ditto everyone else, too... you're a great friend. Smile

    A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost. ~Marion C. Garrett
    image7_0002 A ~ 2.7.06 S ~ 9.2.07
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  • mika06mika06 member

    This is hard as my son has SPD and can go from good to meltdown in no time flat. But I have told many people about it so they know that sometimes he just needs a timeout and sometimes we as parents do as well.

    Just be supportive. I think thats the best you can do and just let your friend know your ready to leave when your ready it will be up to her to prepare DD.

    Good luck.

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