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Parenting
Sexual Abuse Bombshell - Yes, this is an AE
Where do I even begin. This will get long. I thank you in advance if you read all the way through. I need to vent, I have questions, I need advice, I need T's & P's.
Let me begin by saying that I may make contradicting statements not about the information, but about my thoughts and feelings. It's because I'm so overwhelmed, and still processing the information. I don't want to believe it's true, but I'm not so stupid that I'm blind to what is right in front of me.
I'm here as an AE because this is massive and frankly I don't want to be the talk of the board under my real SN. I don't want people to remember this about me when they see a post or response from me. None of this is MUD to liven up the board. I have noone I feel I can talk about this with. Other than my sisters. But, I need outside perspective and input. I can't go to my friends b/c of the utter humiliation. I want noone in my real life to know this.
Okay...here goes. The short version. If I leave something out that you have a question about, just ask. I'm trying to shorten this as much as possible and may forget something unintentionally, that will leave you confused.
First off, the backstory. My parents divorced when I was in college b/c my Dad cheated on my Mom. He's been remarried 6.5 years and Mom has been remarried 12.5 years. Growing up, we had a nice life. Big house, nice things, nice cars. We weren't spoiled rotten brats, but we had it pretty good. We were very active in the church and Dad was a deacon who even went on a few mission trips in the early 90's. We were a pillar family in the community and were thought highly of. When my parents divorced, it just sort of all crashed, and at some point or another, we all left that town and started new lives.
My sisters and I feel as though that is all people think/remember when they see or hear of us. I know that's not true, but it's just very hard to go back to where we grew up. There was other embarrasing stuff...like my sister getting pregnant in high school, going to a mental hospital for behavior that was normal teenage stuff, but my parents thought otherwise. She's now a guidance counselor. go figure.
Mom tells us 6w ago that she needs to meet with us. She has something to tell us and she wants to tell us all together. On Sunday, she told us the meeting place and it was in our former preacher's office in the town we grew up in. Our old church. Where dad had been a deacon, and where we were such active members.
She had a 5 page typed letter to read to us b/c she was afraid that she would leave out information or misstate something. Our former minister ended up being gone to preach a funeral and one of the elder's was present. An elder who had also been counseling with Mom. Since January, Mom had been seeing a counselor rec. thru her work, and her preacher, as well as our former preacher and this elder. As well as an attorney for legal advice. She spent months preparing for this, ensuring that she was doing this properly and doing the right thing. She said she knew she had to tell us b/c she kept envisioning the innocent eyes of her granddaughters. She was truly afraid that we would never speak to her again following this meaning. That we would blame her, not believe her.
In January, she was contacted, I don't know how from someone from our past. She said noone knows who this woman is and she vowed to never tell but she is of middle age now and was 15 when this happened. She said the woman was wanting to verify info from her about where we lived, specifics about a house and the more Mom communicated with her the more she felt she was wanting to tell her something and eventually asked her. This woman told my mother that when she was 15, my dad sexually abused her. It was one time. He exposed himself to her and nothing else happened. At this point my Mom's letter goes into more details about inappropriate comments that my father made to my two aunts when they were teens (now in their mid and late 40's) and one aunt finally admitted to mom that Dad exposed himself to her when I was a baby. She would have been 18. Mom said other things were said/accused over the years and she always stood by him b/c he was her husband. Plus, she said he had a good way of explaining his way out of things.
My dad has been alone with my daughter. He has babysat for me on occasion. He comes once a week and takes her to eat for lunch. Mom did say that his history is with teenage girls and there has never been an indication of anything inappropriate with a child. But, I cannot in good conscious, for the safety and innocence of my daughter allow him to be alone with her. She says there was never anytime when we were little that indicated something was done to us. She did say that when they divorced and Dad was trying to get her sympathy he mentioned being abused by a Non-family member when he was younger.
I think my dad has turned his life around since the divorce. He's back in churc full-time. My stepmom is wonderful and good for him and I've always thought of him as a great "papa". Mine and my sisters' DC love him dearly. Although Mom refuses to say who the girl is, she did say she is emotionally unstable, she was abused by others, including her own brother and her parents' do not believe her. Mom does not feel she is stable enough to press charges and Mom called the child abuse hotline who told her that as an adult, the woman is the only one who can report it. Mom sought legal advice at her counselors' urging to ensure that she could not be sued by Dad for slander. She did say that if we go to him about this that she and our former minister and elder will be glad to discuss these accusations with him, but she said she would not reveal to him who the girl is.
My sister's and I have decided that we are going to cool down. we're going to let this sink in a bit more and then write letters to dad ourself. we will probably combine them into one letter to read to him in a family meeting. I don't know what I believe. I know what's been told to me today. I think he has a right to know that. I love my Dad and want to support him. At this point, I have no problem being around him with my children, but I will not leave them alone with him. Dad is a pretty big part of our lives. I live in the same town. So does Mom. Another sister lives about an hour away and another sister is several hours away. She wn't have the same day to day interaction.
I did look up the statutes for sexual abuse in our state. First off, if a complaint were made, I don't think that what he did was anything more than indecent exposure. I'm not making light of the situation, that 's just not felony child abuse as a first offense like what my mom was thinking today. Mom also thought there was no statute of limitations, when in fact there is.... (paraphrased)
a-5 years after the last incident
b-5 years after the victim knew or should have known
c-5 years after turning 18.
I don't know which supercedes the other.
Honestly, I can't help but think my Mom somehwat enjoyed being able to tell us some of this. Yeah, I said this, and I dont know why. I even said it to her.
I don't even know what my questions are. Am I handling this right? Am I naive to something? Should I be rid of him solely on the accusation of some 40 year old unstable person who just now remembered this? Is the letter a good idea? I want to be calm and complete when I talk to him and not scream, accuse, or forget things I want to say.
Even if you don't respond, thanks for reading this far. It helps to just get it out. My sisters and I don't know what to say to each other right now. I've told my husband and he is having a hard time believing it. He keeps talking statistics and honestly we got into a fight an hour ago b/c he said it wasn't true since he hadn't touched me. Then he said something about 90% of abusers will abuse their own kids,too. Then he told me he got that from Law & Order SVU. What a fekking idiot.
Post over. Thanks so much!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Sexual Abuse Bombshell - Yes, this is an AE
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
Oh wow. I am so sorry. If I found out something like this about my dad I would be crushed.
I have no advise on this because I feel like it is one of those things that until you are put in that situation, you never really know how you will respond. But I do think you are making the right decision by not leaving your child alone with him.
(((hugs)))
The letter is a great idea. Even if you don't let him read it but rather use it as a guide when you talk to him.
Nobody knows the "right" thing to do for others when there is sexual abuse involved. Do whatever you feel is best for YOU. Not your sisters, your mother or your father. Only what's best for you.
Oh and tell your DH to STFU- stats from SVU? Sigh, only a boy.
Take some time, go for some walks by yourself and follow your heart.
Lots of hugs!!!!!
Your aunts are not related to him right?
How old was he when he exposed himself to the aunt? and what were the circumstances? If he was 23 and drunk at a party and she was 18, yes, it is inappropriate, but things like that happen IRL and are not indications of pedophilia.
Lots of men make inappropriate comments. My first boss gave me a Catholic School Girl uniform for Christmas, I was 21 and he was 50. We are still friends, and he is like a great uncle to my children. In my teens I was good friends with 5 guys who were just out of college from 22 to 25 years old. Lots of "inappropriate" comments.
As for the girl, I would want to know the details of the circumstance that he exposed himself to her. 25 years is a long time to wait to tell something like that. She has been abused many times before, which may taint her view of the circumstances. I would not sweep it under the rug and I would be careful, but there is a big difference between pedophilia and incest and being an inappropriate lout.
Sorry you have to go through this.
((hugs))
What a difficult time for your family. I think seeking some counseling independent of your family is a good idea. You have so many thoughts and emotions to work through and I think doing that on your own is best.
I would not dismiss (not that you are) what this woman is saying because she is supposedly mentally unstable. Nor would I banish my father from my life based on what you have heard so far (not that you are thinking of doing this either). I would let your father know what is going on and hear him out as well. Then I would take some time and talk with a counselor to see where you should go from there and figure out what you're comfortable.
I'm sorr you have all this in your life now. I hope you are able to work through it and able to get to a place you are comfortable with.
This. I can't imagine going through this, but I think you have handled it well so far. Counseling for yourself, outside the church, may help you figure out how you really feel about the situation.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))).
ditto all of this
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this - counseling is probably a good way for you to deal with it. And I think you're taking the right approach.
FWIW (and this is not legal advice), I think the statute of limitations is usually based on whatever is the latest date of the options. Just fyi in case you were curious.
I would disagree with this. If the aunt had said he tried to kiss her, he came on to her, he touched her, etc then I would agree. However, openly exposing ones self is not behavior normally associated to someone being a little drunk, or being a horny guy. That's typically behavior of a sexual offender.
(((hugs))) to you. I think Yodajo said some very good things. I hope you and your family all find peace with this soon.
also wanted to add that I'm sorry for what you are going through. I read it all and I'm sorry. Also, I'm sad that you feel the need to hide because YOU are not at fault for this, and I would really hope that no one here would "use this against you" or whatever you are worried about....but I also totally understand how weird the nest can be, so I understand....it just makes me sad. I don't have any other advice for you except that I 1000000% agree with getting your own counciling....just because you weren't personally a victim, doesn't mean that you aren't a victim of it now, because obviously this has changed a lot about your opinion of your dad, and maybe your mom for telling you and its a LOT to deal with.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Ditto DandR and ((((((( hugs ))))))))
You need some time and maybe some help sorting out your feelings, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I'm sorry :-(
I think you are taking the right steps, though I do think it says something that you are keeping your daughter away from your Dad (which I agree with) in the interm - perhaps that is indicative of the fact that you feel there is some validity to what your Mom is saying? Or maybe you are just being a good, cautious parent.
I think writing your Dad a letter is good, but don't let too much time pass. I agree that keeping an open dialogue and telling your Dad that you love him, but as a parent you have to be cautious with your own children.
Whatever the outcome, my thoughts and prayers are with you. This is such a big cross for you to bear, and I hope your husband and sisters remain good sources of support as you sort through this. Please know that, while I'm sure I might feel the same shame/embarrassment in your situation, this has no reflection whatsoever on you. Best wishes for continued strength as you work through this. You sound very together thus far and seem to be handling it in the best way.
I don't think I have anything more to add, except that I read it all, and I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation. (((HUGS))) to you and good luck sorting out your feelings.