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Adoption
If you adopted bi-racial or AA, come in....
If you are going to offend easily then please stop reading here. I have some serious questions and I'm not trying to sound ignorant. I'm afraid I will come across that way but PLEASE please do not take it that way. I apparently bring up taboo questions but I really want to know answers...it's not because I'm trying to pass a judgement.
I was at a picnic yesterday where there were bi-racial twin girls....they were seriously the cutest things ever. Up until that point, we had never really considered a child of another race besides caucasian.....for reasons I will post below.
So my question(s) are: Do you have close family members that are racist? i.e. Parent, grandparent, sibling, aunt, uncle? How did they react to your choosing another race? How did you handle them? Did you not take into consideration of how they would treat your child or react? Did they cut you out of their life? Did you cut them out of your life?
I guess from this point forward you can pretty much guess why I'm asking. Both DH's father and mine are completely and utterly ridiculous when it comes to this topic. MY father more so than his. I am an only child except for 2 step-siblings so therefore my point being I am very close to my dad. I'm afraid of this creating an issue in our relationship. AND, yes I know how ignorant he is. Not to mention, how far we've come in our society to making no color barriers.
I just would like some advice on trying to make that decision. Although, I know no one can make it for us...I just need some guidance.
TIA,
Ashley
ETA: Are there any books on this specific topic? Like books about adopting a child of another race and the issues you could come across??
This discussion has been closed.
Re: If you adopted bi-racial or AA, come in....
Logan is biracial. He doesn't look it, but I do think that biracial babies tend to darken as they get older. I've seen pictures of his siblings, and it's obvious from photos that they are biracial.
My grandparents on both sides were racist - my mom's parents especially. If they were alive today, I think they would be horrified that we adopted Logan. I wouldn't have cared, though. I loved them, but they lived far away and I only saw them once a year. It wouldn't have changed my life much if they weren't supportive.
My parents are both really wonderful and kind people, however I do think that some of their parents opinions about race rubbed off a little bit on them. I think a lot of it is because they have always lived in very white areas, so they have some opinions that are influenced by stereotypes rather than personal experience.
When we told my parents that were were open to biracial AA/CC children, my dad acted like it was no big deal. My mom didn't make a huge issue of it, but a few times she did say that she wishes we would reconsider. She said that her reasoning is because she worries about how the child will be treated if raised by white parents. I'm an extremely headstrong person, and I refused to even engage in conversations with her about it. I simply said that our mind is made up, we don't agree, and it's not up for discussion.
I also knew that my parents eventually wouldn't even notice his skin color. Even if my mom isn't thrilled with the fact that our baby is biracial, she is a decent enough person to never even bring it up again now that he's with us and it's done. And I knew that once there was a cute little face and a name, and she was being called Grandma that it wasn't going to matter even to her. And it really doesn't. She's completely in love with him.
I haven't adopted yet but DH and I are open to any race. I guess I have always been the type of person that doesn't see color so when I encounter a person who is racist or very stereotypical it very much bothers me. We have told our families about our intentions to adopt any race and if they are not good with it they can stay away. I know that seems harsh, but its just my opinion that if you aren't good for my child then frankly I don't want you around. Thankfully all of my family is very open and won't have a problem with it.
I would just speak to your families about it and be very honest about your concerns. Good luck!
I think it's different when the person in your family is a racist or has biggoted views is super close to you, like your father. It's easy to offer up choices such as "get over it" or don't but you won't see the baby if the person is a relative and not in your immediate family.
Only you know how your dad will warm up to the situation. Would you change? Or would it forever be an issue? Are you willing to put your relationship through the test?
Tough decisions...hang in there
C is bi-racial.
I remember my mom making racist comments when I was growing up. We aren't close; in fact, the relationship is quite strained at times because of how different we are. She was absolutely thrilled we were adopting and the race thing didn't phase her a bit. I don't know if her opinions have changed as she got older or she was just thrilled for a grandchild, but she loves C.
I didn't tell my dad we were open to other races. I had similar concerns. When I told him C was bi-racial, he said "Well, I guess you were open to that sort of thing?" I shut down the conversation with a firm yes.
My opinion differs because I'm not terribly close with my family. There have been extended times that we didn't speak, so if the race thing became an issue, we would cut them off. Same thing with extended family. My parents live in a very rural part of Ohio - DH and I had previously discussed not sending a non-cc child to stay with my parents alone because of where they live. And other reasons.
It's a tough decisions. And one that's often hard to articulate. We were open to many races, but we weren't open to full AA. It's such a personal choice, so no judgment here.
Thank you, thank you! I honestly feel like I'm the only one sometimes that is going through this exact issue. Because it's a parent and one that I'm close with, it just makes this situation so sticky. I closed myself off to so many countries when we were considering IA and now that we are doing DA, it feels like because of others, I'll be waiting longer because we closed off on other races. When to DH and I, it makes no difference....a child is a child and all children need a home and loving parents.
Anyway, thank you ladies for some insight. I guess DH and I need to discuss this more in detail and then try to decide where to go from there. We also need to discuss drugs and alcohol in more depth.
My DD is part hispanic (although it is a kinship adoption since she is also my niece, so it may impact my answers a bit compared to traditional domestic adoption or international adoption). My inlaws are all racist, and my dad kicked me out of the house for dating a black guy when I was 18. (He has since changed his views since I stood my ground and my brother has had girlfriends of all races without issue.)
When we first announced we would be adopting, my dad of course had nothing but good things to say. Race didn't even come up. He already considered her a grandbaby because he visited her in the hospital and drove her birth mother home (the birth mother is my sister, but we have different fathers).
My MIL's first question was 'What is she?' and my DH first made her clarify because it was such an odd question. He answered 'A human baby?' and then refused to answer what race she was. He told his mom she was our DD and it didn't matter, but that if mattered that much to her then she didn't have to worry about being grandma to our new DD or any of our children.
Upon introducing my MIL and DD, my DD was going through stranger danger and cried a LOT, while my DS was a 5 month old happy go lucky baby. My MIL clearly favored my DS and wouldn't even try with my DD. This upset us greatly. We never discussed it with her, but the next time we forced her to interact with my DD by not making my DS available to her.
She just came out to visit in April and my DD ADORED grandma. She even gave her a special name 'Gigi' and sat and cuddled with her. My DS is super rambunctious and just wants to run and play, so my DD met my MIL's needs a bit more with cuddles and hugs/kisses.
What I'm saying is that you need to make the decision for YOU and your DH and then figure out how you are going to deal with race, not only with your family, but also with strangers. For us, our family's racism hasn't been issue now that they are just grandma and grandpa.
You're not offending anyone by asking legitimate questions. Ben is CC/AA/Hispanic (bm-white, bf-3/4 AA, 1/4 Hispanic). He skin is darker, but not very dark. When he was little, he was very light, but now he's getting a little darker and in the summer he gets very dark. My family has always been wonderful. They would tell the occasional joke or laugh at one while I was growing up, but nothing that would make me think they wouldn't welcome a biracial baby with open arms. It was proven to be true when we brought Ben home.
Good luck and if it's going to cause a huge problem or you think family members wouldn't accept it you're going to have to choose because a the child and his/her feelings will have to come first.
I'm so glad that I didn't offend. It can be such a touchy subject and I can never quite know how I'll be portrayed over typing. :-)
I really appreicate you all taking the time to answer.
Hi there
Our son is multi-racial (african american, caucasian, and korean). We are lucky in that our immediate families are very supportive and there are other biracial children in both husband and my families. So for us....it was not a hard decision. We have other children just a little older on both sides of our families that will look very similiar to Connor
We also have, as part of our family, my cousin's husband that is AA and I have a cousin adopted from El Salvador...so...we realize our families are probably more varied than most. 
We did go to lengths to find a daycare that was more varied in races. We thought that was important, as Connor got older, to have friends that looked similiar, and also that were all colors/races/shapes/sizes. In his room of 12 rt now, there is him, a few other AA and multiracial children, an asian girl, a girl adopted from Russia, etc. That has been important to us.
In will say that K, the daughter that we were trying to adopt but it just fell through...she was AA, so the daycare and family factors were still a good match for us!
I would be glad to talk w/you more or answer questions,etc....it is fine to ask questions...you are NOT offending anyone
with us there is only 3 people we need to worry about. the first is my uncle i think he will be ignorant but I also think he is classy enough he wont day anything around the baby i will just hear comments from other people of things he said plus we only see him a christams and birthdays so I am not really worried. Also its so infrequent that i dont really care i am not close to him anyways. DH's grandmother is the only great grandparent alive and she makes comments kinda subtly. for example she says to me my friends daughter adopted and she got the perfect baby it looks just like her.I hope you get that lucky. translation I hope you get a white baby too. we explain to her that it probably wont look like us and thats ok we will be open about telling her about her adoption. we tell her looking like us is not important to us just giving a baby a home and filling our hearts. that usually keeps her quiet till our next visit. the last person is my friend since 1st grade and she is racist to everyone not white and poor people she is kinda vocal about it and it frustrates me. I already started to back off he friendship which is a shame but i just hate talking to her most of the time cause her comments are so ignorant. My husband hates hanging out with her and really i dont blame him. When we started this process i told her that we will cut anyone out of our life that doesn't support us and makes ignorant comments around us or our child. she said i would never do that. do you think i would do that. all i said was no i don't think you would but are telling everyone that. I hope she got the point.
Basically great grandma I don't think she will say much in front of her and i can control it. uncle not worried. and well friends sorry family comes first. my dad told me if my grandfather was still alive he would have had a problem with it so I am sure thats where my uncle got it from.
Don't feel as though you are a bad person or a racist if you don't feel that you family would be a good fit for an AA/biracial child. Not every family is--and not every parent has the desire to be part of a conspicuous family and all it entails.
My DH is Korean-American. Not only are Koreans not adoption friendly (thus the continuation of its IA program), but they can also be ethnocentric. For us, adopting from Korea was the best way to help his family accept our children. And they have.
I was more open to AA adoption than DH--my long-time boyfriend was AA, and for many years I assumed my children would be, too. However, as an inner city teacher DH sees daily how very, very hard life is for young AA men, and he didn't feel as though he had the appropriate experience to draw from to effectively guide an AA son to manhood. I deferred to his concerns because I will never be a father;)
You cannot assume that your father will come around. And cutting him out of your lives (or your children's lives) may not be an option, nor does it insure that your child will be spared the pain of his racism. At some point, it will likely out, and your child could feel rejected, or guilty that s/he kept you from having a relationship with your father.
At the end of the day (and I hate that phrase, but it fits) you have to decide what is right for your family--not only you and your DH, but also your father and your child-to-be. The speed with which you could be matched should not be the driver in this decision.
You are not the only one.
Currently we have two foster children, both AA. They are not on the adoption track. These will be our last AA placement. It's been really rough on us - getting looks in the store, getting comments from the AA community that we "stole" their children, from the other AA foster parent who tells me i'm not doing a good enough job on their hair or that I need to be doing x or y or z. I feel like i'm setting myself up to fail, and I really feel defeated sometimes. What realy irriates me is that people do what we're doing and have no isses. We just live in a very racist area, and my side of the family is not welcoming.
I actually just posted about a month ago about a situation that really upset me with my family. My aunt and uncle (they are only 5-6 yrs older than me) were in town with their 2 little girls and the little girls made comments about how my two little AA girls couldn't play with their toys because they were black (etc) and their parents continued to let them talk down to our foster kids. I finally had enough, and left the birthday party before dinner was even over. There was alot to that day that I don't want to get into but basically, when I confronted my grandmother that week about the family's reactions to the foster children she told me that I called upon it myself and that I just had to deal with it or don't come.
So with that said - where I thought I had a really supportive family when it comes to foster to adopt...I have a really supportive family if it fits into their mold of looking and acting just like them.
I'm not going to cut them out of my life - they will still get Christmas cards, and email updates..but I certainty will not go out of my way to be part of family get togethers -- even in the future when we have new placements.
With that said there are alot of positives...
My in-laws are VERY supportive. They help out when we need it and they have welcomed the children with open arms. My church community is very supportive, they have been overwhelmingly supportive.
Overall, I think there are pros and cons and you have to do what works best for you and your family! Good luck!
we haven't adopted yet, but are open to everything in regards to race.
In May we attended a multi-day workshop all about transracial parenting. It was really insightful. ?What I took away from it is how you mosel your family speaks volumes to your child. ?You need to show your potential child that you hold people that look like them very dear to your heart and in important places in your life.
You could be the most genuinely loving couple, but in a circle of white family members, white doctors, white lawyers, white bosses, you could be saying one thing, but showing another in terms of who is important and who is not.
Kids see colour. ?That doesn't mean they are racist, it's important to see differences and embrace them. ?But if you are a bi-racial child, or a child of a different race in a "monochromatic" world, you are going to have a hard time self-identifying role models.
?
You also have to understand and be prepared for racism. ?Subtle things and more overt instances. ?How are you going to field questions or comments when your child is witness? ? Every time you brush something off, or fumble here your child learns something. ?
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These are just a few things we talked about, and like I said the program was really insightful. ?If my hand-outs/notes were on the computer I'd send you a copy.?
I remember that post now that you reminded me. I felt so bad for the girls and you....not in a bad way, just that it reminded me so much of my family. I can't imagine bringing bi-racial children around my family. Not at all, my in-law's nor my family would be accepting. It's a nice thought but I think we honestly are going to have to deal with it and stay with our current "choices". It makes me sad because if it were up to DH and I and only us, it wouldn't be an issue. Although, like you said...there are many variables besides family. I have a Cosmetology license so I've had training doing AA hair but not alot and not enough....that part wasn't what I was super worried about. We do however live in exactly what you said your town was like...completely white, white doctors, white families, i'd say 90% white high schools....I never thought about it like that, that a child would see that and "think" something was wrong with them because of their skin tone. I do have 2 bi-racial cousins but I haven't seen them in 3 years so they are obviously not day to day life. DH has 2 bi-racial cousins that he's only seen once and probably will never see again.
I think the comments from other AA's would be what would get to me because I can see that happening to us. We have quite a few AA friends so I don't think it would be from them but I can definitely see where the staring would become an issue. That was one thing I had thought about and was already contemplating on how to answer questions to anyone.
We have adopted two non-white babies. We did worry that some of our family members would be a little off put by a non-white baby coming into our family. We passed the word around that we were adopting...and then when we got the calls-- what their races were...and we got NO reaction whatsoever. HOnestly I think we TTC so long they were just thrilled that we were going to be parents at all. We worried about where we lived being an issue for a non-white child-- so we planned to move.
It is harder being a conspicuous family..we don't look alike and the girls don't look alike either. I am asked constantly about their origins and some people are not kind to any of us. That said, we don't care what anyone thinks..these are our kids. We were open to race- much more concerned with health issues.
I wish I had your hair skills.... I had had some wonderful suggestions from strangers, friends and random people I just flat out ask how to care for dd's hair. It has been a learning experience all the way around. Now, I don't see them as a color at all...they are just my girls.
i wanted to weigh in on this from the opposite point of view. and i hope i don't offend anyone since this board has been so welcoming and helpful to us.
i am african american and DH is caucasian. when we decided to adopt we knew we'd like to try for a biracial child since that's what we would've conceived naturally. when i brought up to DH the idea of adopting a full AA or a child from ethiopia he was totally on board. when he asked me if i'd be open to a full caucasian child, i had to pause for two reasons: i'd never even considered it and frankly, wasn't open to it. and while i know that my family would be against it as well, that has nothing to do with my decision. without getting into discussions of racial history in this country, i knew that it would be extremely difficult for me to parent a child with whom i had no cultural background in common. in addition to the fact that i live in the south and would not be emotionally prepared for the day that someone asked if i was the nanny (which happened to a friend of mine with her biracial child). i guess i say all that to say, i really believe that we all know what we can and can't handle in regards to parenting. and whatever decision that you make, do it because it's what you and your husband want and believe is right for you; not what you think you should or shouldn't do.
You don't have to live in the South to get this question. Idiocy knows no geographical boundries.
I agree, that is beyond ignorant and I'm sorry you even have to deal with thinking about that. Thanks for chiming in...I was kind of hoping that someone of another race would to give me some insight. I'm glad you didn't take offense to my initial post either, or at least I don't think you did. I just really wanted to digest every angle and still needed someone to point out other angles we hadn't thought of.
I agree. My friend who is 1/2 Chinese was asked this question about her bio daughter who is the spitting image of her daddy - red hair and white skin. Strangers ask all sorts of completely offensive questions (or comments for that matter), bio child or not. I never thought I would learn how to respond with grace, but as a mother you learn fairly quickly.
i was totally not offended at all; i think it's really important to be able to talk about this stuff, especially with people who are going through similar experiences and might be feeling the same things...and as far as the nanny comment goes: i know there's ignorance and racism everywhere, i've just seen it more here than i did in the northeast where i'm from, that's all.