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Parenting
Anyone have a "spirited" child and any suggestions/book recommendations?
Please don't flame me. I need to vent.
I'm LOSING my mind with DS2. I feel like I'm a first-time parent all over again. He does nothing "by the books" and is the night to his brother's day. It's to the point where we don't like to even take him anywhere...which sucks, because we don't really like to be stuck at home with him either.
He had his 18 month appointment yesterday and checks out completely fine physically. His teeth -- what we'd been blaming the constant meltdowns and freak-outs on -- are all the way through. His ears are clear (for the first time ever.) He does have a speech delay the pediatrician would like evaluated (he has one word) and I'm sure his lack of communication skills are part of his frustration, but I also think he just has a completely different personality than H and I are used to and we're sort-of at a loss. He's been "difficult" since he was born and we've always made excuses for him. It was the MSPI or the food allergies or the ear infections...admittedly, we gave in and let him have his way much more often than we did with DS1 and now he's kicking our collective a$$. He's had very short phases where he's a dream child, but most of his life has been rough.
I was in tears this morning because all his does is cry and pitch fits. He screams his head off in the middle of the night. Several times. He wants what he wants when he wants it and if we don't give it to him, he'll literally cry for hours.
I'm miserable. I'm freaking out about #3. We thought DS2 had finally turned a corner -- he'd been STTN, he was signing really well and able to communicate, his ears were better. And about as soon as we got pregnant, all hell broke loose.
I'm NOT a good mother to him. I don't know how to be. The only thing I know how to do is give him what he wants to keep the peace and that's not helping the situation. If you have any words of advice, I would be so grateful. And if you've read any books on parenting a "spirited" child that you found helpful, please share.
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Re: Anyone have a "spirited" child and any suggestions/book recommendations?
DD tried heading down that road. (And honestly, DS is trying it on now.) We had to institute a zero-tolerance policy for that kind of behavior, and have had to revisit it a couple of times.
Screaming in the store or at the park means that we leave right away. Time outs-- lots of them, some in the crib. Lots of bloodcurdling shrieks. But they got the idea pretty quickly that screaming won't get them anywhere.
Honestly, it sounds like you've let things slide a lot because of teeth/ears/whatever, and he thinks that he's the one in charge. That's not 'spirited', that's heading down the 'spoiled brat' road. (An that's not a flame, because we were doing the same thing.)
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
First, no flames. I have a "spirited" and challenging child...I get it. You ARE NOT a bad mother. Just because you don't know what to do does nto make you a bad mother.
Get the book "Raising your Spirited Child". It has helped me a lot.
The speech delay can definetely be some of it. Have him evaluated by early intervention. Along with the speech therapy he may receive, the therapists that come to your home are great in giving suggestions on how to handle certain situations with your child. They can be a great support system and great tool for information.
You also need to find time for yourself. When you have a challenging child, you need patience. You will not have a lot of patience if you are totally drained. Even if it is just an hour a week to go for a walk, get a manicure etc. It helps.
I have the 1991 version of this book sitting on my bookshelf. My aunt gave it to me and I have never opened it but if you want it, I'd be happy to send it to you.
Big hugs - this will all work out! And even bigger congrats to you on #3!
"
Ethan {1.11.10} & Malia {12.28.06}
And Elias Parker, Born 3.5 weeks early 12/20/2011
FINALLY!!! After 7 years of infertility!
Our second son is quite spirited as well. Trying to stay ahead of him and distracting him is what works for us. He's fascinated by birds so if he starts to flip out over something, I'll say "look a bird" and point out the window. He stops right away and runs to the window. haha
I found that talking to my kids helps a lot. I'll explain what we're doing, what we're going to do next. I'll ask them questions and if I see that he's having a hard time expressing himself, I'll say it for him. For instance, "you're mad because you can't play with play doh?" He'll shake his head yes or no and we move on. If he sees that I understand what he's trying to say, he'll usually calm down.
If nothing else works, I let him scream. If we ignore the tantrum it ends pretty quickly. And I mean we totally ignore it, we won't even look at him until he calms down as is ready to "talk."
I would also suggest a full evaluation. He sounds exactly like a little boy in C's playgroup who was eventually dx'd with various issues (including celiac disease) and is doing much, much better with multiple services/therapies.