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"I'm not going to breastfeed."

RandiDeeAnnRandiDeeAnn
in Breastfeeding

My friend who just found out about two days ago that she is pregnant said that to me yesterday. I was asking her about decisions on childrearing so I would know what kind of gift to save for. (If she wants cloth diapers or a wrap, that is going to take more planning than a pack of sposies and a cute outfit.) So I asked her about babywearing and she said probably not. Then without any prompting from me she said, I'm not going to BF. I was taken back. Oddly it was almost like someone hit me in the belly! I managed to say well formula is just as good.

Anyone else get their feelings hurt when someone says something like that. As if you were personally attacked? I'm sure she didn't mean it that way, but usually people who decide not to BF only tell you so if you ask.

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Re: "I'm not going to breastfeed."

  • sweetkakes419sweetkakes419

    I'm guessing she's pregnant with her first?  Could you have given her a little time to take everything in?  I mean, she's barely pregnant and you're already asking her to make some pretty hefty decisions so you can buy presents.

    If you asked me what my style would be back then, I think that I would have said no to BF, babywearing, the somewhat AP style I'm using, etc.  Everyone needs to do their own research in their own time.

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  • madhatter2003madhatter2003
    Yeah, I take back about 95% of the things I said I'd 'never do' while pg.....it took me a lot of time to make decisions. Heck I didn't even start cloth diapering until DD was 1.  She probably was just overwhelmed.
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  • RandiDeeAnnRandiDeeAnn
    The only thing I mentioned was BW. That was it. And that is probably only because I am consumed with the idea of it, but still can't seem to get the hang of it. (I'm not around her enough for her to see me struggle with it though.) I was just shocked that she came up with the BF thing without me saying anything about feeding choices (of course I was curious because she, another friend, and I all know each other and are very close in age. The other friend and I both gave it a try. So I honestly just figured she would.) But again, I didn't mention BF. I guess maybe she was trying to tell me "I'm definately going to need bottles."? Because really with a first child, you kind of need to see if they are going to stick with it before you buy nursing covers, storage bags, nipple sheilds, etc.
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  • At1stsightAt1stsight

    You shouldn't have said formula is just as good, b/c it's not, and that's an extensively researched scientific fact. Not that you should have lectured her on why bfing is so important, but you definitely shouldn't feel like you need to lie to make her feel better about a decision she's making.

    I would have been taken aback as well but I doubt she meant it as a comment on your bfing. Toss it up to her current baby ignorance: as others said, maybe she'll change her mind once she does more research. You can help by not talking about formula and offering insight/info on bfing if she asks.

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  • Temp534591562502098Temp534591562502098
    just lay off of her and let her come to you with questions before you get into things. You might be smothering her.
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  • ella.mabelella.mabel member

    I remember when i was pg, i was getting a lot of questions about cloth/disposable, my mom wanted to order us a diaper service as a gift, someone else was going to give me their pump and i just wanted to scream!  I was worried about maternity clothes, getting projects done around the house, getting registered, contacting daycares.... She probably just needs time.  Just let her know you're there to support her if she has any questions. 

     

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  • RandiDeeAnnRandiDeeAnn
    You guys are probably right. I just don't see how I was smothering her. She called me! Like I said, the only specific thing that was mentioned was a baby sling. This was the only time we talked at all and the only time it came up. She did say that she had been looking at baby stuff, so I guess we were talking about "gear." I don't want to sound like I am judging her just more thinking logically, but they don't have insurance and most likely can't get medicaid. So I'm guessing they can't get WIC either. I just hope she knows how expensive formula is going to be without help.
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  • Steph_in_NJSteph_in_NJ

    Her saying that may have been a sort of defense mechanism. When I was pregnant, I was on the fence about breastfeeding and I kept having people (some that I didn't even know well) bring it up with me and "encourage" me. Some were pretty pushy, and it really bothered me. If she's been hearing about it from a bunch of people, and knows that you BF, she may have said that just so you wouldn't bring it up with her. Not that you were going to, but she may have thought your conversation was heading that way.

    Talking to one of my friends about BF, my concerns, questions, etc., helped me to decide to give it a try and it's been working great for us. But some people can really be overbearing when they talk to people about it and really turned me off.

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  • *MMEJ**MMEJ*

    I would not take a friend's choice to not BF as a personal attack on me.   There are a lot of products that a mom needs if she's going to BF and, since you were asking her about other things she plans to do as a parent so you could figure out a gift, maybe she just wanted to let you know that she wouldn't need anything BFing related.

    I think other PPs may have suggested the "smothering" or possibly overwhelming her b/c in your OP you stated that, even though she called you, you were the one who asked her "about decisions on childrearing."  I had no idea about any of those kinds of things two days after finding out I was pregnant with my first.  I hadn't thought about BFing and I'd certainly never heard the term "babywearing" before!  I probably would have been overwhelmed by that general question, too.

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  • RandiDeeAnnRandiDeeAnn
    image*MMEJ*:

    I would not take a friend's choice to not BF as a personal attack on me.   There are a lot of products that a mom needs if she's going to BF and, since you were asking her about other things she plans to do as a parent so you could figure out a gift, maybe she just wanted to let you know that she wouldn't need anything BFing related.

    I think other PPs may have suggested the "smothering" or possibly overwhelming her b/c in your OP you stated that, even though she called you, you were the one who asked her "about decisions on childrearing."  I had no idea about any of those kinds of things two days after finding out I was pregnant with my first.  I hadn't thought about BFing and I'd certainly never heard the term "babywearing" before!  I probably would have been overwhelmed by that general question, too.

    I agree. The only thing was, they had been trying for a long time and couldn't get pregnant. So I'm thinking she already had EVERYTHING planned how she was going to do things. But one of the pp is probably right. We have another mutual friend who is very pushy and BFed two of her kids. And really pushes it, maybe in a not nice way.

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  • greengirl0909greengirl0909 member

    For the last 6 weeks, I've been struggling with breastfeeding, but hanging in there.  I know my family means well, but they have all been encouraging me just to go to formula.  Then, a semi-friend popped off with "there is nothing wrong with giving baby a formula bottle."  I always try very hard to be sensitive to FF mommies, for fear of making them feel inferior, but here lately I just want to scream "YES, there is something wrong with formula!!"  Lately I feel like I really have to defend my position on breastfeeding.  As if working to feed my child isn't hard enough, now I have to defend my choices to others? Exhausting!

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  • m00n_fire@hotmail.comm00n_fire@hotmail.com
    imageSteph_in_NJ:

    Her saying that may have been a sort of defense mechanism. When I was pregnant, I was on the fence about breastfeeding and I kept having people (some that I didn't even know well) bring it up with me and "encourage" me. Some were pretty pushy, and it really bothered me. If she's been hearing about it from a bunch of people, and knows that you BF, she may have said that just so you wouldn't bring it up with her. Not that you were going to, but she may have thought your conversation was heading that way.

    Talking to one of my friends about BF, my concerns, questions, etc., helped me to decide to give it a try and it's been working great for us. But some people can really be overbearing when they talk to people about it and really turned me off.

    I

    Baby number two! Coming soon! June 8th.
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  • m00n_fire@hotmail.comm00n_fire@hotmail.com
    imageSteph_in_NJ:

    Her saying that may have been a sort of defense mechanism. When I was pregnant, I was on the fence about breastfeeding and I kept having people (some that I didn't even know well) bring it up with me and "encourage" me. Some were pretty pushy, and it really bothered me. If she's been hearing about it from a bunch of people, and knows that you BF, she may have said that just so you wouldn't bring it up with her. Not that you were going to, but she may have thought your conversation was heading that way.

    Talking to one of my friends about BF, my concerns, questions, etc., helped me to decide to give it a try and it's been working great for us. But some people can really be overbearing when they talk to people about it and really turned me off.

    I

    agree
    Baby number two! Coming soon! June 8th.
    Report Reply
  • m00n_fire@hotmail.comm00n_fire@hotmail.com
    imageSteph_in_NJ:

    Her saying that may have been a sort of defense mechanism. When I was pregnant, I was on the fence about breastfeeding and I kept having people (some that I didn't even know well) bring it up with me and "encourage" me. Some were pretty pushy, and it really bothered me. If she's been hearing about it from a bunch of people, and knows that you BF, she may have said that just so you wouldn't bring it up with her. Not that you were going to, but she may have thought your conversation was heading that way.

    Talking to one of my friends about BF, my concerns, questions, etc., helped me to decide to give it a try and it's been working great for us. But some people can really be overbearing when they talk to people about it and really turned me off.

    I agree completely!

    Baby number two! Coming soon! June 8th.
    Report Reply
  • m00n_fire@hotmail.comm00n_fire@hotmail.com
    imageSteph_in_NJ:

    Her saying that may have been a sort of defense mechanism. When I was pregnant, I was on the fence about breastfeeding and I kept having people (some that I didn't even know well) bring it up with me and "encourage" me. Some were pretty pushy, and it really bothered me. If she's been hearing about it from a bunch of people, and knows that you BF, she may have said that just so you wouldn't bring it up with her. Not that you were going to, but she may have thought your conversation was heading that way.

    Talking to one of my friends about BF, my concerns, questions, etc., helped me to decide to give it a try and it's been working great for us. But some people can really be overbearing when they talk to people about it and really turned me off.

    I agree completely!

    it
    Baby number two! Coming soon! June 8th.
    Report Reply
  • m00n_fire@hotmail.comm00n_fire@hotmail.com
    imageSteph_in_NJ:

    Her saying that may have been a sort of defense mechanism. When I was pregnant, I was on the fence about breastfeeding and I kept having people (some that I didn't even know well) bring it up with me and "encourage" me. Some were pretty pushy, and it really bothered me. If she's been hearing about it from a bunch of people, and knows that you BF, she may have said that just so you wouldn't bring it up with her. Not that you were going to, but she may have thought your conversation was heading that way.

    Talking to one of my friends about BF, my concerns, questions, etc., helped me to decide to give it a try and it's been working great for us. But some people can really be overbearing when they talk to people about it and really turned me off.

    I agree completely!

    Baby number two! Coming soon! June 8th.
    Report Reply
  • m00n_fire@hotmail.comm00n_fire@hotmail.com
    imageSteph_in_NJ:

    Her saying that may have been a sort of defense mechanism. When I was pregnant, I was on the fence about breastfeeding and I kept having people (some that I didn't even know well) bring it up with me and "encourage" me. Some were pretty pushy, and it really bothered me. If she's been hearing about it from a bunch of people, and knows that you BF, she may have said that just so you wouldn't bring it up with her. Not that you were going to, but she may have thought your conversation was heading that way.

    Talking to one of my friends about BF, my concerns, questions, etc., helped me to decide to give it a try and it's been working great for us. But some people can really be overbearing when they talk to people about it and really turned me off.

    I agree completely!

    Baby number two! Coming soon! June 8th.
    Report Reply
  • m00n_fire@hotmail.comm00n_fire@hotmail.com
    imageSteph_in_NJ:

    Her saying that may have been a sort of defense mechanism. When I was pregnant, I was on the fence about breastfeeding and I kept having people (some that I didn't even know well) bring it up with me and "encourage" me. Some were pretty pushy, and it really bothered me. If she's been hearing about it from a bunch of people, and knows that you BF, she may have said that just so you wouldn't bring it up with her. Not that you were going to, but she may have thought your conversation was heading that way.

    Talking to one of my friends about BF, my concerns, questions, etc., helped me to decide to give it a try and it's been working great for us. But some people can really be overbearing when they talk to people about it and really turned me off.

    I agree completely!

    Baby number two! Coming soon! June 8th.
    Report Reply
  • m00n_fire@hotmail.comm00n_fire@hotmail.com
    Not that it had to be said a million times ;)
    Baby number two! Coming soon! June 8th.
    Report Reply
  • pinkcallalilypinkcallalily member
    imageRandiDeeAnn:

    I agree. The only thing was, they had been trying for a long time and couldn't get pregnant. So I'm thinking she already had EVERYTHING planned how she was going to do things. But one of the pp is probably right. We have another mutual friend who is very pushy and BFed two of her kids. And really pushes it, maybe in a not nice way.

    If she has been dealing with infertility it is very possible she has purposely avoided planning how she would do things if she were ever lucky enough to get pregnant.  It's hard not knowing if you'll ever have a child and although I would often imagine what it would be like to have a baby, I certainly didn't plan anything ahead of time.  I didn't start planning or seriously thinking about anything baby related until I was a few weeks into my 2nd trimester because I didn't want to get myself too excited and have it end in miscarriage.  It is possible she has everything planned, but it's also quite possible that she has avoided baby-related things while struggling to get pregnant.

    It took 3 1/2 long years, but we finally got our little miracle!
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  • smilelarismilelari member
    imageRandiDeeAnn:
    image*MMEJ*:

    I would not take a friend's choice to not BF as a personal attack on me.   There are a lot of products that a mom needs if she's going to BF and, since you were asking her about other things she plans to do as a parent so you could figure out a gift, maybe she just wanted to let you know that she wouldn't need anything BFing related.

    I think other PPs may have suggested the "smothering" or possibly overwhelming her b/c in your OP you stated that, even though she called you, you were the one who asked her "about decisions on childrearing."  I had no idea about any of those kinds of things two days after finding out I was pregnant with my first.  I hadn't thought about BFing and I'd certainly never heard the term "babywearing" before!  I probably would have been overwhelmed by that general question, too.

    I agree. The only thing was, they had been trying for a long time and couldn't get pregnant. So I'm thinking she already had EVERYTHING planned how she was going to do things. But one of the pp is probably right. We have another mutual friend who is very pushy and BFed two of her kids. And really pushes it, maybe in a not nice way.

    We tried for 2 years and I had nothing planned.  I purposefully did not think about pregnancy or children because realistically it may have never happened and planning/thinking/wishing was hurtful

    image

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  • kreeper611kreeper611 member

    She sounds like she's not 100% sure what she wants to do, but is trying to defend her first choice of not bfing.

    FWIW my sister says that she isn't going to bf.  I tell her that it is her choice and formula is just as good, but I also tell her that she might change her mind one day.  I mean, if you had asked me 5 years ago (at her age) I would have said the same thing.

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  • Ivana_StolichnayaIvana_Stolichnaya member
    imageRandiDeeAnn:

    My friend who just found out about two days ago that she is pregnant said that to me yesterday. I was asking her about decisions on childrearing so I would know what kind of gift to save for. (If she wants cloth diapers or a wrap, that is going to take more planning than a pack of sposies and a cute outfit.) So I asked her about babywearing and she said probably not. Then without any prompting from me she said, I'm not going to BF. I was taken back. Oddly it was almost like someone hit me in the belly! I managed to say well formula is just as good.

    Anyone else get their feelings hurt when someone says something like that. As if you were personally attacked? I'm sure she didn't mean it that way, but usually people who decide not to BF only tell you so if you ask.

     

    No.

    I EBF but I really don't care how people feed their children.  As long as they are happy and healthy then that's all that matters.

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  • kdiaisflykdiaisfly
    Once she starts researching she will most likely change her mind. And no, I've never been offended by someone saying they are not going to BF. Breast feeding is best, period.
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