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What do you do?
What do you do when your own parents offer unsolicited parenting advice?
My mom did this today and I immediately felt super defensive. I thought of several things I could have said afterwards, but while she was doing it I just felt caught off guard, then later I felt hurt.
Our oldest DD just turned 4 and she's definitely a handful. She's always been a super intense kid, very verbal and extremely extraverted. My mom was basically telling me I'm not a strong enough disciplinarian, then at the same time she said she'd never seen a child so emotionally intense. Gee thanks, that's helpful!
My mom doesn't live in this area but she makes frequent trips to our home to help me and this weekend she was hear for Sarah's birthday party. I trust my mom's judgment and I know she does have a point - I think we all know what our own parenting weaknesses are. I just don't appreciate getting advice if I've not specifically asked for it.
Thank you for reading my mini-vent, but I would like to hear how others handled a similar grandparent situation.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What do you do?
Not so much my mom... But my MIL. I typically just ignore it.
There have been a couple of times that I have reacted in the moment and it doesn't always end pretty. lol The last time this happened I pretty much told her that she didn't have to LIKE what I did with my children, but that they were MY children and I will raise/discipline, etc how I see fit.
However, our situation is a little different since we've lived with them the last 2 years.
I'm sorry your mom hurt your feelings. I think even though she spends a lot of time with you, she's not there ALL the time, so it's really hard to know how she would truly handle something. And... not having raised a child with the same temperament, she can't for sure know that she wouldn't be the same way as you are.
I can admit I'm not the 'best' discipliner (so not a word, but whatever) in our house... But I do make sure that they understand what they've done is wrong and will not be tolerated.
I try to brush it off. Then I wonder what horrors she subjected me to as a child.
When we visited her a week or so ago, she couldn't stop talking about how S wasn't eating solids. I had introduced them, but he didn't want them and I didn't push the issue. "Well just shove the spoon in his mouth and scrape the food off!" "No thank you" was my response.
What I was thinking was why do I want to make it a control issue? But I guess this means that when she gets old if I have to feed her I can just pry open her mouth and shovel in the food?!??
Oh, and he's eating solids now. I just kept offering and he's finally decided to eat a bit more. No force feeding necessary.
As you know, I can totally relate. I get an array of comments from people when they witness some of O's intense behavior. Though now they seem to think there might be something medically wrong with him (like the whole low blood sugar thing).
Anyway, I don't have family close so I don't have to deal with comments often but I once had a confrontation with my dad. He had visited and the following week we talked on the phone. He asked how O was and I think I responded with some of my frustrations and he could hear O having a fit in the background. He started to say something along the lines of "If you don't get control of that child...". I cut him off and firmly said that I had full control and we were just fine. He seemed to take the hint, I'm guessing due to the tone of my voice, because he let it go and we moved on.
Unless I'm getting comments frequently I tend to just brush it off. I know a lot of people like to blame the child's behavior on bad parenting but I know better. I know that it is not a product of my lack of control or discipline but just a part of who he is. No one really understands what it's like to have a very intense child unless they've had one themselves. I remind myself of that often.
With my mom I say whatever comes to mind at the time, even if it isn't nice. Since this has been my temperment since day one (I come from a long line of bad tempers), my mom knows this is how I am and really tries to not interfer. She also hated it when her MIL always told her what she was doing wrong, so she goes out of her way to not do that to me.
With my MIL I just say, "well that isn't how DH and I have decided to do things." Then I look for him so he can step in. Again, if I said what I wanted to things would end badly with her. It also doesn't help that she needs a hearing aid and won't get one. It just doesn't help our communication.
Dx: PCOS and short luteal phase
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BFP #1 6/22/09 EDD: 3/2/10 DS born: 3/8/10
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So sorry you experienced this. I hate it when people give me advice when I haven't asked for it. M1 is qutie a... stubborn and intense child herself. So I do understand somewhat.
Honestly... it's a "fool me once..." type of situation for me. If they do that, I tend not to vent to that person again. If I'm particularly close to that person -- and they had a good point, no matter how much it hurt -- I usually thank them, and take what I need from that advice and dump the rest.
If they have a very different parenting style than me. I just dump the advice, vent here or to a friend who understands, and never, ever talk with them again.
And yes... my mom is included in this. We have different styles when it comes to parenting.
I remember a specific situation when my mom was visiting and Marion was about 9/10 months old. Mar would simply not fall asleep and in frustration, I walked out of the room, leaving her in the crib screaming.
My mom was like, did you do this, did you do that, blah blah blah and I told her, fine, if I'm doing it wrong, you go do it right. She went in and did her thing and Marion continued to scream for like another hour or so.
Anyway, if it's my mom giving the advice, and the advice is something we won't do (say, time-outs), then I say to her, you know we aren't comfortable with that, so what else do you suggest? Sometimes she has something to say that's actually good, sometimes it's not so good. But at least then she thinks I'm listening to her, LOL. If it's not so much advice she's giving as much as it parental commentary, like saying "Mar is out of control" then I ask her to give me specific advice. This last visit, Mom said some things that hurt my feelings a bit, but when I asked her okay, tell me a specific situation you've seen and how you would have handled it, I realized she didn't really mean what she said to be hurtful.
However, if it's my MIL giving the advice, I ignore her because the woman is BSC.
I'm sorry this happened to you though.
j+k+m+e | running with needles
This is pretty much verbatim of what I say to my mom whenever she gives me advice that I don't want or agree with: "Hmmmm....that's something to think about. Thanks for the suggestion, and let me think about it and how I want to apply it in this situation." I know it sounds SOOO dorky that I say that, but I don't want her to stop giving me feedback on parenting because some of the stuff that she suggests is actually very helpful!
And when MIL makes suggestions that I don't agree with, I just say that the way that I'm doing something is what the pediatrician has recommended. We have a little bit of a language barrier, and she raised her children a lot differently than I want to raise mine
My Mom isn't the type to outwardly say something, but she will imply or say something to one of my brothers that I'll eventually hear or overhear.
I know and accept the fact that I parent my daughter in a different way than my parents. I choose the good choices = good rewards route rather than bad choices = taking things away/punishment...I guess it's a glass half full vs. empty view. It's basically the same thing, but I tend to focus on the positive and reward those things and "talk" about the bad things with her in order to correct them. I am not quick to spank, my parents were. Yes, I'll spank if it's a danger situation: for example I spanked her in a parking garage today because she refused to hold my hand. I warned her, telling her I was going to spank her and she said "ok, bop me"...she didn't realize I was serious until she got a spanking on her tush. I guess I feel that I'm tough when I need to be and relaxed more often than not. My parents were more stressed/quick to punish than relaxed.
I am just a different parent than my mom was so while I appreciate the fact that I'm here and alive there are some things that I don't care to replicate from my upbringing (ie: paddling). I have never criticized her for the way she raised us, she did what she could and thought was right at the time. We all get by doing the best we can, some days we're super parents and some days we're not...it all comes out in the wash.
With that being said, I've been around you and Miss S. and I know she can be a bit tough. All kids can be, but S is more sensitive to some things and I know that you're doing the best you can. That's all you can do; use the resources you have, the time and energy you have to love on and support your kids. At the end of the day that's what matters and that's how both of your girls will grow into independent and strong women. Seeing their mom do her best is absolutely the best example around.
I would just take it in stride. She probably means well, but doesn't have a good way of bringing it up aside from just putting it out there. If you would like to bring it up to her, just say something like - "I appreciate you looking out for us, but maybe you could have approched it this way: xxxxx"
I tend to get shocked by "advice" by getting defensive, at first, but sometimes after I take a step back, I realize what the person is seeing from the outside might be different than what I see on the inside. I usually take the pieces that I want to hear and leave the rest.