- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Need advice on forgiveness (really long! TIA if you read this!)
I had a really rough weekend. I had been realizing that one thing that was holding me back from really moving forward was a feeling of sadness/frustration/resentment towards my immediate family for the way they handled our loss. We don?t live near each other so we did not benefit from the casual stopping by/regular in-person interaction that we might have if we lived near one another. So we were left with phone/email interaction and I just wish that things had been different?After a couple of awkward and frustrating phone calls early on, I had written an email about 2 weeks after m/c to tell them that I know that I am impossible to talk to right now- that this is uncharted territory for all of us and I know they love me and want to support me but I needed to let them know that there were some things they said that didn?t help (you?re young, it?s early, you?ll have lots of babies soon) but there are things that could help, too- primarily not ignoring the loss and simply asking me what sucked on any particular day so that I could get it off my mind and my heart and move forward a little. But nobody ever really seemed to react to that in the way I wanted them to. Turns out, they interpreted the email as me saying ?don?t talk to me about this, you won?t say the right thing anyway.? The little interaction I?ve had with my sister and brother/SIL has felt really superficial and fake to me- like it wasn?t acknowledging what was beneath the surface so I would get thru the conversations and get off the phone pretty quickly.
OK, so fast forward to this weekend when I finally bring this up with my sister. She heard me out- and then gave me an earful- she was really upset (probably a lot of it was feeling defensive and herself wishing that it had been different to- that she had understood what I needed or had thought to ask instead of just guess). She basically yelled at me and told me that she thought that my resentment was a toxic emotion to have and that I need to get over it b/c it?s not healthy (yes, she said get over it). I know she was talking about the resentment, not the loss- but I just felt hurt by the fact that nowhere in the conversation did I feel like she even acknowledged that the reason we are even having this talk is b/c my husband and I have experienced a loss and are trying to move thru the grieving process. In her defensiveness she made it be about her- not about us. DH had warned me that I probably wouldn?t get what I wanted from this conversation b/c what I really wanted was for things to have been different- and you can?t go back in time to get that. But even if I couldn?t have that, I really just didn?t expect this.
So- the next day she wrote us both an email to say how she wished she could go back in time to change how she supported us- to give us the kind/amount/quality of support that she now realizes we needed ? and how she is sorry that her misinterpretation/mishandling of the situation compounded our hurt. So it was a really nice apology and I need to accept it and move forward (and no, I will not be having this conversation w/ my bro/SIL?my sister is special and more reasonable- I realize now that if this is how they are all feeling, this conversation would backfire with bro/SIL and I can?t deal with that- I think I have to let it go).
My question for you ladies?how have you gotten yourselves to a place that you were able to forgive and move on in relationships that are important to you but that didn?t deliver what you felt you needed when you needed it most?
One more thing- and this is not helping me think clearly about all of this? at the end of the conversation, she told me that she is pregnant. 7 weeks. Ultrasound is this week. Due January 29. Weren?t actively trying so she is really still feeling surprised. Feeling the nausea. Already has a crib lined up. Her first baby will be almost exactly a year younger than brother/SIL?s first baby that was born earlier this year. She wasn?t going to share the details but I encouraged her to b/c even though I was practically sobbing, I figured 1) I was already upset ? may as well get thru the conversation now and 2) in the big picture of life, I didn?t want to take away from her the joy of being able to share the news of something so big in her life so I bucked up and listened b/c *not* listening felt selfish. As you can imagine, I?m a mess. THANKS for listening!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need advice on forgiveness (really long! TIA if you read this!)
I think this is a great questions. I have been incredibly disappointed with how people in my life handed my loss. I am not at a point of forgiveness with all of them yet either.
I have spoken at length about this with my counselor. What she told me what all we can do is "educate" the people in our lives how we want them to treat us during this horrible time. It is then their job to take the information and hopefully use it. You did exactly that, you sent an email and told them your feelings. Unfortunately, they didn't react in the way you wanted. Now you just need to get to a place where you can say, "they truly don't get it and I need to be ok with that."
As for your sister being pregnant, wow that would have really hurt me to hear that. I am so sorry you are dealing with that too on top of all of this.
I hope things get better and you can get to that place of forgiveness.
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
I am dealing with this right now actually.... I just emailed two of my close friends and explained to them the reason I have been silient with them (we email daily) is that I know they don't know what to say or how to react and that my feelings are raw right now... but I felt like when I told them about my fears etc that they were considered irrelavent.
I just got an email from the one friend saying she has called several times and emailed.. (one of the emails was the monday after our m/c to find out if we would go to Vegas with them now that the baby was not going to be here??? ) I know they were trying to talk about other things but it was hurtful to me. I have ignored her emails and calls till now. I told them I know they are my friends and friends forgive and forget which is why I was telling them why I had been so silent. I support both of them through their crappy marriages...
Nobody knows what to say.. nor do they know what to do. I know this and understand it. I even told them that was part of the reason I was silent because why put them through something that they feel the need to say something and it just upset me. This is hard we need support but unless someone has been there they have no idea how to support you. I realized that last night at a party.
HUGS to you... this sucks for all of us.
To answer your question, I just can't let myself get mad at them. It's not their fault and they have no way of understanding. I am just avoiding them.
My family has been awesome, I am so grateful, but I haven't been able to talk to any of my friends yet. I told them all via text because I know if I talked on the phone or in person I wouldn't be able to handle it. They all said dumb things, but I can't begrudge them because most of them have never even been pregnant. Only my one friend who has 4 kids and had 1 loss was able to talk to me about it and not make me mad or more upset.
Your sister sounds great, but it must be hard to hear about her pregnancy. It was very kind of you to listen to the details.
With my loss I realized who I can really depend on and who was not a true friend. I gave them time knowing that you don't know what to say and some of them I still haven't heard from.
Now with a certain person I cut her out of my life completely. She has been extremely disrespectful and she makes me blood boil. I can't have that negativity in my life even though she's family.
click the button above to read my blog!
I'm so sorry. I know from my own experience that dealing with how people treat you, on top of your own grief is really hard.
I still find myself keeping score with who said and did what once they found out about our loss.
The one way I've made peace with it is to know that I will never just ignore someone who is going through a difficult time. I know I will come out of this horrible experience a better and more caring friend.
I tell people this all the time and now I have to take my own advice....people are a lot like restaurants. They don't all work in every situation (sometimes, you just want Thai food, right?) and that's why it's so important to have lots of people in your life. Some will give you what you need and others won't. And, you will find, in a different scenario, those people who are not giving you what you need now will be just what you need later.
I am trying not to have expectations of anyone. It's hard, but it's working for me.
This is a truly excellent question and so hard to answer. Forgiveness is for you - not for them. When you forgive, it makes you stronger. I know it makes me feel better when I tell myself that they did the best they could. My family and friends wanted to be there for me and that's what counts. I wish we could all be more vulnerable with each other without our egos and pride getting in the way. I wish everyone could just say what they need to say and be real. It sounds like you have that with your family and that's a really precious thing.
I'm so sorry for the pain of your sister's announcement. I am familiar with that heartbreak. Maybe you can be pregnant together (fingers crossed). Remain hopeful and try to be there for her too. Hope you're week is better than your weekend!! ((hugs))
Exactly.
BFP #1 March 24, 2010; missed m/c May 26, 2010 @ 12w 4d; D&E May 28, 2010
BFP #2 Oct 20, 2010; My little boy was born on July 5, 2011
BFP #3 April 30, 2013; Chemical Pg May 5, 2013
BFP #4 Aug 22, 2013; It's a boy. Loss discovered at 24 weeks on Jan 15, 2014 (cause CMV virus)
BFP #5 April 6, 2014; missed m/c May 15, 2014 @ 9 weeks; Misoprostol May 15, 2014; D&C May June 3, 2014
A gentleman in my church who I look to as a grandfather figure now that I've lost that generation in my family said to me when I moved back with my family that I was lucky that I had lost my daughter given the divorce. My mind immediately went to a very bitter place - death, better than a life with me as a single mother? But Will never meant me to feel that way. From the outside, it's hard to see the devastation of a loss of a child in me. I'm a very private person. He was horrified when I burst into tears. He was just trying to comfort me. I still love him. I still trust him. He is still just like a grandfather to me. He had a bad moment.
As a previous poster said, no one knows what to say. It's more luck than experience that people say the right or wrong thing. Your right or wrong things may be different than others. There are those who think that the success of a relationship is forged in the fires of loss, but I'm not among them. Given enough chances, everyone - even those who have lost children themselves - will say the wrong thing.
A dear friend of mine is a former Midwife who now works as a hospice nurse. She's often remarked at the sameness between those experiencing the lost of a terminally ill patient and those going through a labor together. People don't like silence in either case. They babble and they fill time. Sometimes, especially in the moments of fear and crisis in both experiences they say things that hurt the others present. Her advice has always been steadfast - everyone wants to send off a relative in an atmosphere of love and comfort. The same is true for a birth. Sometimes the words that are spoken aren't compatible with that, but we should acknowledge the effort if not the result.
If someone comforts you with their words be thankful for what you've received. If some hurts you with their words be understanding that they were in a nearly impossible situation, and they loved you enough to try. If some hurts you with their lack of words, take comfort knowing that you are probably foremost in their thoughts but know that for some even thinking about talking to someone who is hurting like the mother of an angel baby is paralyzing. No one is perfect in a crisis.