Loss of Hope

LovingIan · June 2010

I hang out on a different message board that is mostly for women about money matters. One of the threads on the board is all about children (TTC, pregnancy, babies, etc) so I have been hanging out on that thread for awhile (it is just a continuous conversation). All the girls know about my loss, and our troubles TTC.

A new girl joined the board about 4 weeks ago and has been posting about how excited she took her last BCP and was going to TTC this month, she has posted every time she has had a twinge asking 'OOOOH...could this be a symptom"....today (9DPO for her) she posted "I couldn't resist so I POAS! WOOHOO I'm PG!!!!"

One FRICKING month....seriously.....one? We've been trying for 15 months and have had 2 losses.....and she gets to do what I always dreamed of....make a decision, have fun no pressure sex, then get all excited over every little symptom and BOOM woo hoo exciting, beautiful, wonderful BFP to share with hubby and everyone else.

I have one BFP that I didn't recognize as BFP (line was so faint) until I m/c...then I have 3 negative testsour first cycle of Clomid...move onto a second cycle and 3 weeks ago I go to the ER for extreme pain (knowing in my heart because of the timing that I can't be pregnant) and the doctor walks in with "Oh, well...you ARE pregnant. But, your uterus is empty"

I will never ever be able to be excited over a BFP....hopeful and not scared. I fear we will never get pregnant again since I need meds to ovulate and now I have only one tube. I know if we ever do get PG again I will fear every day that it is another ectopic and my life could be in danger. Once I confirm it is in my uterus, I will hold my breath just waiting for the bad news..bleeding, cramping...

I have no positive hope that we will be parents and that scares me more than anything. I just don't know how to feel good about this again?

LovingIan · June 2010

I just want to add - I know a lot of ladies here have been trying a lot longer than DH and I who have experienced losses too after more extreme fertility treatment measures.

I know we will move forward, and I know there are options. But, my doctor and I discussed our options after my surgery and based on how huge my ovaries were after only 50mg of Clomid my doctor warned me that I can't ever do more than 50mg and he told me my options with other meds would be limited.

It feels like a nightmare that just gets worse and worse and worse.

elizabeth&james · June 2010

I'm so sorry. You've been thru so much and seeing someone else have it so easy is ridiculously difficult. I have not been thru as much as you but I will share my little mantra with you- helps me try to get thru the bad moments, especially when I feel myself comparing our situation to someone else's: That is her journey, this is mine.

Comparing to other people will make all of us crazy so I am doing my best to remind myself to focus on my own journey and direct my energy there instead of worrying about others' journeys (which I am really prone to doing!). I hope that each of us can one day look back at this experience as some important and necesary part of our own journey and appreciate what it taught us (and that each of us has as many happy, healthy take home babies as we want!) - until then, we have cry and vent when necessary and then do our best to hang in there. HUGS!!

damabo80 · June 2010

I'm so sorry. I can totally identify with that.

I'm truly amazed that people can get KUed their first or even second month trying. While I'm happy for them, at the same time, I feel like it's another nail in my defective coffin. My norm is that if I want a BFP, it takes ultrasounds, pills, shots, and $$$$. And that's just to get pregnant. Staying that way is a whole other hurdle.

bgarson · June 2010

I understand your feelings. I too have IF and obviously a loss. Don't for a second think that you are not living a nightmare, because other people have had it worse. Sure there are people out that who have probably had it a lot worse with IF and loss than us. Some who are on these boards, but your pain is very real.

I hate when people make those comments too about how easy they think getting pregnant and staying pregnant is. I guess the reality is, that someone do have an easy time with it. However, I have no control over getting pregnant, now the thought of pregnancy scares me to death.

bumpuser204685 · June 2010

I can totally relate! After nearly two years of trying (and being told by my OB that we were young and to give it more time) we finally went to a specialist and discovered our IF issues. Low estrogen, progesterone, thin lining and diminshed ovarian reserve at 28 y/o... After IUI we were sucessful in getting pregnant. Then at 16 weeks we lost it due to placenta previa... It feels so unfair and having multiple friends who get pregnant if they even think about it is incredibly frustrating. The pain is real and while my husband and I try and remain focused on the fact that we don't have it worse as so many do, it's still hard when you dream of having a baby and starting a family. I would be completely frustrated in your situation and hope that things will get better for you soon! I'm thankful for this board and for all of the supportive ladies on here willing to share their stories. It reminds me that we are not alone (unfortunately!!) and that we are all here for each other!

Toshbosh23 · June 2010

Oh do I ever understand. While it did not take us too long to get pregnant, (we did the pull out method for about 2 years than for two months after wedding did the keep it in method.. and got BFP and of course a loss later on)..if I hear from my friend how she was off BC for one month had sex like 2 times and got PG I will scream. Her husband brags about how she is just so fertile, and it was so easy it was such an accident. How easy..ugh. I want to throw up and than begin throwing things..I told my husband I don't want to be around her husband anymore because if I hear him brag one more time I will say something about how he should watch his mouth because some people don't just KU their wives right away, and some women have to "try" to get pg..secretly I think that we all will love our take home babies knowing that we could have lost them, we will always look at them knowing that they have those guardian angels watching over them, and knowing what a little miracle they are.

CashewsMommy · June 2010

I am so sorry hun!! Sometimes it feels so good to just vent it all out, doesn't it? It's so not fair that we had to go through this.. any of us! It's so not fair that we will never have a non scared pregnancy until we have that healthy baby home with us. This totally sucks.

(((hugs)))

hellonwheels · June 2010

Toshbosh23:
Oh do I ever understand. While it did not take us too long to get pregnant, (we did the pull out method for about 2 years than for two months after wedding did the keep it in method.. and got BFP and of course a loss later on)..if I hear from my friend how she was off BC for one month had sex like 2 times and got PG I will scream. Her husband brags about how she is just so fertile, and it was so easy it was such an accident. How easy..ugh. I want to throw up and than begin throwing things..I told my husband I don't want to be around her husband anymore because if I hear him brag one more time I will say something about how he should watch his mouth because some people don't just KU their wives right away, and some women have to "try" to get pg..secretly I think that we all will love our take home babies knowing that we could have lost them, we will always look at them knowing that they have those guardian angels watching over them, and knowing what a little miracle they are.

granted we got pg our first try and lost it at 10 weeks...im deathly afraid of what will happen next time we ttc and if we get PG again...i feel horrible being one of those GET pg easy people..but its the STICK part that seems to be the problem...so far we dont even know why we lost our LO...but im afraid of it happening again...i dont how you ladies are SO strong...i dont think i can handle another m/c

anywho..just wanted to say...when we finally get pg and have our take home baby..i know baby will mean so much more to me than a baby would mean to an average person...because once you've been through what we on this board have been through..(no matter if its 1 loss or more)...everyone here will know that their take home baby is more precious and special than anyone else can imagine..since we know what its like to lose one (or more) I pray for everyone here to finally get that take home baby!

beantownbride25 · June 2010

I hear you. It almost makes me angry that people can be blissfully unaware of the possibility of loss. A little angry, but more envious and sad that I will never, ever have that blissful ignorance in my life. So sad that was taken away from all of us.

emeraudecephiro · June 2010

I hear you on this...I have severe PCOS among having extremely heavy flow (overnight pad in 3 hours or less)...so frustrating.

Btw, I love your tattoo!

cavila15 · June 2010

hellonwheels:

Toshbosh23:
Oh do I ever understand. While it did not take us too long to get pregnant, (we did the pull out method for about 2 years than for two months after wedding did the keep it in method.. and got BFP and of course a loss later on)..if I hear from my friend how she was off BC for one month had sex like 2 times and got PG I will scream. Her husband brags about how she is just so fertile, and it was so easy it was such an accident. How easy..ugh. I want to throw up and than begin throwing things..I told my husband I don't want to be around her husband anymore because if I hear him brag one more time I will say something about how he should watch his mouth because some people don't just KU their wives right away, and some women have to "try" to get pg..secretly I think that we all will love our take home babies knowing that we could have lost them, we will always look at them knowing that they have those guardian angels watching over them, and knowing what a little miracle they are.

granted we got pg our first try and lost it at 10 weeks...im deathly afraid of what will happen next time we ttc and if we get PG again...i feel horrible being one of those GET pg easy people..but its the STICK part that seems to be the problem...so far we dont even know why we lost our LO...but im afraid of it happening again...i dont how you ladies are SO strong...i dont think i can handle another m/c

anywho..just wanted to say...when we finally get pg and have our take home baby..i know baby will mean so much more to me than a baby would mean to an average person...because once you've been through what we on this board have been through..(no matter if its 1 loss or more)...everyone here will know that their take home baby is more precious and special than anyone else can imagine..since we know what its like to lose one (or more) I pray for everyone here to finally get that take home baby!

So, so true! I am so glad I am on this board because it helps me to breath and realize I am not alone in this journey!

SmallestWilk · June 2010

elizabeth&james:
I'm so sorry. You've been thru so much and seeing someone else have it so easy is ridiculously difficult. I have not been thru as much as you but I will share my little mantra with you- helps me try to get thru the bad moments, especially when I feel myself comparing our situation to someone else's: That is her journey, this is mine.

Comparing to other people will make all of us crazy so I am doing my best to remind myself to focus on my own journey and direct my energy there instead of worrying about others' journeys (which I am really prone to doing!). I hope that each of us can one day look back at this experience as some important and necesary part of our own journey and appreciate what it taught us (and that each of us has as many happy, healthy take home babies as we want!) - until then, we have cry and vent when necessary and then do our best to hang in there. HUGS!!

Thank you. I needed that today.

jerriesgirl · June 2010

Please don't loss hope. Her getting pg so quickly doesn't have anything to do with your journey. I have to keep reminding myself of that and it's hard, but as someone else said. My journey is my journey. I hope you get your take home baby soon. (((hugs)))

bethskye · June 2010

Let her have her illusions. I wish I'd gotten to keep mine.

BlakeG · June 2010

I'm so sorry you are having a hard day. I just want to throw it out there though that just because she got pregnant easily doesn't mean you know what her journey will be. I got my BFP the first month we tried (no charting, just unprotected sex). It was extrememly easy but then I had a loss. Then my prenatal b/w revealed that DH & I shouldn't concieve without IVF w/ PGD since we are carriers for a blood disease. So yes I was one of those people that got KU so easily BUT I don't have my take home baby and now I can't just try again.

I totally understand your frustration but my point is you never know what someone else's journey is going to be so it's best to just focus on your own journey.

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Loss of Hope

Re: Loss of Hope

Tried for 2 years before diagnosed with DOR and low Progesterone. MC at 16 weeks in June 2010 (Told Placenta Previa contributed to the loss)
Mommy to one darling & amazing little girl Born September 9th 2011 (C-Section at 38 weeks for Placenta Previa)

Surprise!! EDD 12/13/13 (Hoping for a VBAC!) Off home bed rest and now just monitoring a large SCH. Stable in size but not going away. SHRINK PLEASE!

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Loss of Hope

Re: Loss of Hope

Tried for 2 years before diagnosed with DOR and low Progesterone. MC at 16 weeks in June 2010 (Told Placenta Previa contributed to the loss)Mommy to one darling & amazing little girl Born September 9th 2011 (C-Section at 38 weeks for Placenta Previa)

Surprise!! EDD 12/13/13 (Hoping for a VBAC!) Off home bed rest and now just monitoring a large SCH. Stable in size but not going away. SHRINK PLEASE!

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Tried for 2 years before diagnosed with DOR and low Progesterone. MC at 16 weeks in June 2010 (Told Placenta Previa contributed to the loss)
Mommy to one darling & amazing little girl Born September 9th 2011 (C-Section at 38 weeks for Placenta Previa)