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Adoption
6 weeks later...still having awful time...(long post)
Hi again
So....tomorrow will be 6 weeks since our adoption of K failed, and we had to give her to her birth father. At times it seems like she was just here yesterday, and other times....it seems like it has been a decade.
I am still, and so is hubby, having a really hard time. Random crying, etc etc. Our adoption agency continues to of no aid -I reached out for help and resources back 5 weeks ago and last got email about 2 weeks ago with a website to look at on another side of our state, which was totally inappropriate. I went to the site, and the current events occuring, on that part of the state, were from 3 months ago. Sigh.
I did a session of counseling 2 weeks ago and it was not very helpful. I will try again next week and hope things are better.
Had a panic attack last weekend at a family birthday party, when our niece came running with her cousin to our car and hopped in to see baby K. She kept asking where she was, and when I told her she went back to live w/her mama and dada, she said "I thought you were her momma??" She would not stop saying that to my hubby and I. It was awful. I cried and cried.
Our 2 yr old is still doing well, but apparenlty asked at daycare today for his baby sister. We try to divert his attention and such but...it is so hard.
We are starting to try to clear out her nursery, to make C a playroom. We just learned today that we sold the bedroom set and bedding set to another contact. Hopefully once room is cleared, we can paint and a playroom it will become...a place to make happy memories, instead of dwelling on the sad. I did have to quick toss all of K's clothes into a tote from the dresser, to get it cleared to sell it...because that is all I could do. It did me in...just looking at all her clothes...yet I am not ready to part with them to give them away quite yet.
You all have been very good about support...far better than our agency and the therapist I saw 
Just needed to write this out to vent, and always looking for some support, or someone to tell me that they understand or something
Thank you all again
Connor's mom....Our little monkey is 3....climbing and running and jumping his way to 4!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 6 weeks later...still having awful time...(long post)
i'm just so very sorry, again. sending you major ((HUGS)).
I'm so sorry... I can't imagine. And how awful that the adoption agency, after all this, isn't offering you more resources or support.
I've been to counseling at several points in my life, and one thing I've realized is that a lot of what you get out of counseling depends on the individual personality of the counselor and how well you "mesh" with them. If your second session next week with this counselor isn't great, perhaps you should try looking for another counselor that you'll click with better.
*Hugs*
Lots and lots of hugs! I hope you find the strength to get through this. I cannot imagine being in your shoes. I've thought about you several times since I read your story.
I think you are dealing accordingly with painting and clearing out her room. In time, once everyone knows (children included) things will hopefully start to ease for you. I hope your son can move on from this also and over time he stops asking about her so that you all can move on.
ETA: I still think your agency is acting very irresponsibly and that they need to be held accountable for some of this.
I agree. I have also been to counseling and I learned you have to click with the counselor. If you don't feel they are understanding or are helping you on the path that you want to be on, I would find another one too.
I am sending tons of hugs your way. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling. I'm so sorry.
I don't know you, but I wish I could give you a hug right now. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry - I can't imagine the hurt and pain you're dealing with. I'm sorry you haven't gotten a lot of support or help from your agency. Since you said the counseling session wasn't too helpful, maybe you can try someone different.
When I was dealing with the grief from our IVFs not working, I spoke with the therapist at the Infertility Clinic that I went to. Do you have a clinic near you? Maybe you could talk to them and see if they could suggest someone to you. Or if you have a local branch of Resolve anywhere near by maybe they could suggest someone.
My clinic is in MI but not close to Saginaw. However, if you decide that you would like the name of the therapist I saw, just let me know on this thread. I can always pm it or email it to you.
Lots of hugs.
First off, ::HUGS::
Secondly, I'd recommend getting into some sort of support group or counseling group, maybe one that specializes in adoption, grief, infertility,etc That might be helpful.
As far as not meshing with the therapist...as a therapist myself, finding a therapist is like dating. Sometimes you find one you click with right away. Sometimes it takes a few before you can start working through the issues. ALSO, just throwing this out there...during my first sessions not much really gets accomplished anyway. It is a get to know you type of thing, gathering information and starting to build the relationship. If after 3 sessions you still feel comfortable, ask for a referral to another therapist. Hope that helps?
I am excited to see that you are clearing out the stuff and making a play room...can you keep us updated with the progress? I'd love to see pictures!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Like PP's have said, this is probably like losing a child to death. My first baby was stillborn and it's been almost 3 years but my H and I still attend montly support groups. Obviously, our situation is different from each other. But, like other posters said...therapy or counselors are like dating, sometimes you just don't click the first time. My H and I went to individual therapist and it didn't feel right to me...we only went once but I agree that I should have tried more than once. In any event, there is no one right answer for dealing with grief. Can you reach out to another agency to see if they have support? My guess is that they don't necessarily 'advertise' the fact that sometimes adoptions end up like this so they may not have a formal support group. Have you tried googling to find any resources.
I have never been through the process, I'm simply a lurker here, but I feel that your agency failed you and and everyone involved. I don't know if there is some sort of agency you could report them to or what...
GL to you, you are in my thoughts and prayers. This will be a lifelong process...it's not something you will ever "get over" - this little girl was a part of your life and you can't just erase that part of your life. You are very early in the grief process, it will take time.
Sorry about the above posts. I was having technical difficulties!
Thank you all for the support and nice words. You guys are the best!
I am going to try the 2nd appmt Monday and see how it goes...if not helpful again....will try someone else.
We had K for 6 months...and know it will take years to move on. I keep hoping someday it will be a little easier....
I'm really sorry and wish I had the right words to say to make it better for you. (((HUGS)))
The only thing I would suggest is stepping up the therapy appointments. In the beginning after we came home from returning our second baby, I was going twice a week the first couple of weeks and taking some meds that really helped me cope. I gradually stepped down the meds and the appointments (down to 1 week for awhile and now every 2 weeks). I think therapy is awesome and so important and everyone should be required to go just for general health purposes! But in your situation, I think it's especially important and I would go as often as your therapist feels is appropriate and can fit you in, but at least once a week. I did so much healing and was able to talk through things I didn't even know were bothering me.
Keep us updated on how you're doing!
Art teacher...
I sent you a PM but thought I would write here too, like you had asked. I would like info you have - we are seeking a support group of some kind...and cannot find anything!!!
Can you please share info w/me? I would be so grateful!!!
how can I give you my email?
THANKS!!
Again, I am so sorry. I wish words could help more and I knew just what to say, but I don't.
I too wish I could hug you.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
I am just so sorry! I don't even know what to say. We are in the adoption process and I have no idea how I would deal with that.
We have had 6 pregnancies and only have 2 bio kids, so I can share on loss a little. The hardest for me was when we lost our twins at 16 weeks b/c I had already let myself attach to them. I went through a lot of what you are talking about. My heart broken into so many pieces it hurt just to breath and be awake and go through a day minutes felt like hours at times.
Suggestion: call your primary doctor and ask if they can suggest some community programs. I would call your church if you attend one and ask about support groups for parents that have lost a child or grief counseling. This is really a death and grieving process for you (in my experience it was so I think you might feel this way). Even if you know your child is alive in your mind your body and mind have gone into the grieving process. So I would seek grief couseling (if you choose to). Also feel free to contact other local agencies and ask them for resources even though they are not your agency they will be happy to tell you about programs that will help you and your husband.
Keep venting and talking about this it will help.
I am so very sorry for your loss and I hope that you find the right ppl and/or resources to help you.
many blessings and healing
A
Wow. I haven't been around in a while, so I don't know your story. But I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.
::HUGS::