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question for anyone with a not so great relationship with their mother (long)

lynseflynsef member
in Babies: 6 - 9 Months

I'm struggling with what to do about my own issues with my mother without letting them affect DD.  I want her to know her grandmother and to develop her own feelings towards her without my feelings influencing her.  Without divulging too much of my family history my mother has some issues that she never dealt with and also inherited my grandpa's drinking problem, which has been a huge issue between the 2 of us for many years.  I have done everything I can to try to help my mom including going with her to see a therapist and she will not get help.  Recently there was a big blow up and I decided for my own health and the health of my family I told my mother that I cannot be around her until she can prove to me that she is seeking some sort of ongoing help.  I just don't want DD to grow up around the kind of environment I grew up in.  I obviously turned out ok, but its just not what I want for her.

 I'm hoping that by standing my ground this time my mom will get help and then it will be a non issue, but I'm not so sure that's going to happen.  I just don't want to rob my daughter of a relationship with her grandma, but also want to protect her from certain things. 

Would you set up times for her to visit with her when I know for sure that things are ok at my parents house or stand my ground for awhile and hope that the issue finally gets resolved completely?

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Re: question for anyone with a not so great relationship with their mother (long)

  • just_peachyjust_peachy

    I'm so sorry you are going through this....

    Have you ever thought about going to an AL-ANON meeting?  Even though your mom may not be a drinker, she was affected by one and thus had a trickle down affect on you...

    I went for over a year and it was dramatically helpful in my relationships with others and myself.  The focus is on you, not the alcoholic and ways you can deal with toxic relationships.

    Just an idea.

    God Bless our sweet baby James. Our son, born 11/22/09. Unplanned, Emergency C-section image
    "Wearing his BING CROSBY clothes and crooning...buuuh buuh buuuh" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • lynseflynsef member
    imagejust_peachy:

    I'm so sorry you are going through this....

    Have you ever thought about going to an AL-ANON meeting?  Even though your mom may not be a drinker, she was affected by one and thus had a trickle down affect on you...

    I went for over a year and it was dramatically helpful in my relationships with others and myself.  The focus is on you, not the alcoholic and ways you can deal with toxic relationships.

    Just an idea.

    I have thought about it, its just a matter of finding the time, or I guess making the time.  I think I might have to give it a try.

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  • just_peachyjust_peachy

    go to at least 6 meetings before you decide whether or not the program works for you.

    It basically teaches you principles of detachment with love from others who have had issues with alcoholism or related to someone who has.  There are people in the rooms that don't even have any alcoholism related qualifiers but love the fact that they can find a place to be supported.

    Please try to make time and go for yourself.

    God Bless our sweet baby James. Our son, born 11/22/09. Unplanned, Emergency C-section image
    "Wearing his BING CROSBY clothes and crooning...buuuh buuh buuuh" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • moonfaeriemoonfaerie member
    Well, I may not be much help, but I have a relationship like that with my dad. I do not want to be around him, and my parents are still married which makes me not want to visit my mom because then DD can still be influenced by him. Basically we don't let DD around my dad alone, and if he starts acting in a way that offensive or unpredictable, we leave. It's sad and I want my dad to have a relationship with his grandaughter, but I don't want her to think he is normal or that his behavior is acceptable in any way. I just try to limit their contact. My dad will never change and my mom will never grow a pair and move on to create a happy life for herself so that's all I can do. You need to decide if her behavior is so bad that your LO shouldn't be around her at all, or if it's okay for short, supervised visits. GL.

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  • souledoutgirlsouledoutgirl
    I do not have any drug/alcohol related problems with my mom, but I don't have the best relationship. My family is highly dysfunctional, and there are MANY MANY things I don't want my daughter to make habitual. I have chosen to work on myself in therapy (maybe like the AL-ANON suggestions?) and limit the time I spend with them, being extremely firm in any area that I don't find acceptable. I'm doing it for DD, even if it's uncomfortable, I know it will be best for her in the long run.
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