- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Parenting after a Loss
F/U to fight with DH
Another topic that DH and I discussed this morning for the upteenth time is me going back to work. I never had any intention of being a SAHM. I was clear from the start about taking time off and then going back to work full time this summer. Well, the summer is here and I'm still resigned to 1 day a week. No offense to SAHM's, as I clearly am one right now, but it's not what I want for myself. I put myself through grad school to get a career I LOVE. I do not love my career as much as my family, however, I feel that I've put my family first for an appropriate amount of time, and now I would like to bring my career back up to 2nd position rather than a distant 5th or whatever. It also doesn't help that I can never do enough laundry/clean house enough etc to make DH not say "You're home all day, why can't you do x, y and z." I am so f'ing tired of it.
However, DH has me in a no-win scenario. He doesn't want to even come home early (3 or 4pm) on the one day of week I am "allowed" to work, and he doesn't want Liam in daycare even that one day let alone 2 or 3 days because "he'll get sick or get hurt." He's acting like I am a bad person for suggesting that Liam go there for even 2 hours. We can't even be sure that he got sick from the 2 hours he was there last Wednesday (Liam was sick on Saturday) or whether it was the park DH took him to on Friday. Either way, WHO CARES! I sincerely do not know what to do. I feel like I am being stifled, not appreciated, minimized, etc.
*Flammable confession:
It doesn't help that I am really good at my job. Sometimes I think I am way better at my job than taking care of Liam all day long. Sometimes I think it would be so much better if Liam were at daycare at least half the week with other kids/DCP who are more equipped than I am. I love my son more than anything, but when you're not expecting to stay home all the time, it can be really difficult.
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: F/U to fight with DH
So..... he expects you to be a SAHM? (shudder) Not to be harsh here, but does he remember who he married? Was that ever part of "the deal"?
I love my son more than anything, but I *love* my job and would jump off a bridge in no time if I were a SAHM. Really. I got super anxious and almost OCD in my 9 week leave... I need my job to keep me sane. Some people delight in homemaking, cooking a beautiful dinner, keeping the house immaculate... it makes me want to poke my eyes out.
I would be a WORSE mommy if I stayed home. DS is much better off in daycare than with the loony toons I would be at home.
Would DH consider a nanny a good alternative to DC?
Is it your DH or you MIL who has an issue with daycare? It seems like he really relies on his mother for his opinions.
You are your own person, you have to do what makes you happy, and if that means upping your work to 3 days a week (less or more) then you need to do it and he needs to support you on that.
I would go insane if I was home all day every day with DD, I need my job and the interaction with other adults to keep me happy. I also believe that I am a better mom because of it, and I think DD needs the social interaction with other children.
Kids are kids, they are going to get sick regardless of whether they're in daycare or not. The park (as you said he took Liam there) has just as much germs as a daycare, the grocery store, or even just a play date can make kids sick as well. He needs to get over this fear, and he may find that having you work more will make you happier and make the situation better for the two of you.
Sorry he is being such an a$$.
He would but he doesn't want to be "those people" who have a nanny. I keep reminding DH that we don't come from "old money." What we have is what we've worked extremely hard for. DH grew up in a poor/working class family (his words) and he cannot wrap his head around the fact that he no longer fits into that income bracket. It doesn't help that his family teases him relentlessly (jealously obviously). It's kind of funny that even when people have money, they still fight about it!
I need my job to keep me sane too. I'd love the idea of a nanny if DH would get on board. For me personally, I don't care one way or the other. I just want DS well taken care of in my absence. I see an added benefit of daycare as the social interaction, but if the nanny involved DS in playgroups/outings etc. it would be fine too!
I think DH and I fought about everything under the sun lately. I guess if we can get past this, we can get past everything.
I haven't read your other post yet, but I'm surprised that your husband is so anti-daycare and you working! He's always understood that you love your job and are good at it, right?
Even if we could afford it, I wouldn't want to SAH, and my DH would never go for it, either. I enjoy working, and I can see why you'd like to go back! I don't have any advice, but I hope your husband will come around. Daycare is good for kids!
I completely understand this - I was never planning to be a SAHM, but am not by choice since I got laid off. But since I wasn't (still am not even though it's been 8 months!) in the SAHM mindset, I really struggle with it. I don't feel like I'm doing good enough, and as hard as it would be to put her in daycare sometimes I think it would be better for her, like you said the people there are better trained to take care of LO's and I think the interaction with other babies would be really good for her. But alas, here I am struggling to be the best SAHM I can whilst looking for a job, not fun.
I totally vented all about myself, but just wanted you to know I feel where you are coming from. I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch with your DH, but it sounds like he cares for you and DS a lot and just wants the best for both of you but perhaps doesn't show it the right way. I really hope you can decide what's best for your whole family and that you and DH come to a happy agreement on it. Hope things get better for you soon!
100% MIL. DH absolutely takes his cues from his mother. The problem is, this is a new thing. I have broken up with 2 boyfriends over this exact topic. When I met DH, he talked to his mom a couple times a month. If she were a different person, I wouldn't have cared if they spoke every day (like I did at one point with my own father). In the past, say, 2 or 3 years, they've become this enmeshed mess. It drives me nuts. It's like he can't think for himself sometimes, which is ironic as that is what MIL accuses me of for spending time on here!
MIL never sent her kids to daycare. Therefore, anyone who does is wrong. Likewise, MIL went to Catholic private school for elem school so she expects us to send DS to private school for elem school. However, I went to private school for high school and I have shown her the merits of that, but because SHE went for elementary, she is convinced that her way is the best. That is the fundamental problem with MIL - anything she has ever done is the RIGHT way. She is the single most narcissistic (and controlling) person I've ever met.
He's actually not anti-daycare. Or at least he never was in the past. It's my MIL. I think it's always my MIL
And yes he's always loved my work ethic. It just seems like things have drastically changed recently.
I am so sorry that he is being so closed-minded.
I also just wanted to chime in that I too do not feel cut out to be a SAHM. Although I work from home, and I don't feel like I can fully claim the working mom title, being back to work has made me a much happier, healthier momma.
I think you know yourself, and doing what you need to do for the benefit of yourself AND the rest of your family will make everyone happier. Good luck, friend.
You can and will get past this, and you'll be stronger for it. Remind DH gently that he married you for your intelligence, your independence, your passion for what you do - for YOU, and all those things make for an unhappy SAHM.
As for the nanny, maybe if you look for a Mrs. Doubtfire (lol) type as opposed to a young little babysitter type, he'll be more in favor? A grandmotherly variety person may be less cringe-inducing.
My DH fought me tooth and nail on my decision to hire a cleaning lady for the same reasons.... but as soon as he saw how much happier it made us all, he became a believer. He grew up in Detroit, working class, etc, and he had the same sort of visceral reaction. We don't tell people that we have a maid. None of their business that I'm a crappy housewife.
So, if he's worried about what people will think, rather than "we have a nanny" maybe it could be "this nice old lady down the road watches him"?
Haha DH did too (about the cleaning lady) and she only comes once or twice a month to do the heavy duty stuff that I don't like to or have much time for (toilets, bathrooms etc.) But he thought it was only for rich people. Now when she hasn't been around, DH is asking "when is she coming back?" I actually bust my a** around the house 2-3x per week with laundry/vaccuming/dusting etc and I do dishes once or twice a day at the minimum. Sometimes I'll try and tell DH that I know I do more than avg in that department. And, for the record, he did ONE load of laundry while I was gone (his own) whereas I got to deal with poop and pee stained clothes (that are likely trash now since he didn't spot treat!) on top of all of DS's laundry, our towels, sheets etc, and a sink full of dishes and super stale smelling house from not vaccuming for 3 days (we have 2 dogs). I did not mention one word of this to him when he was like "look at everything I did." I said Good job and thanked him for watching DS. I wish I could go back in time and have a different response now that I know how everything turned out.
Is there some other situation that he would feel more comfortable with? If not daycare or a nanny how about a licensed in-home daycare where there are less children?
If he can't find anything that he is comfortable with then I would suggest that he stay home
I'm sorry you guys are having a tough time. Could you maybe suggest a trial period to DH, to allow both of you to see how it goes? I know your job isn't really the type where you can only do it for a month and then quit, but perhaps if you told DH to give you, him and Liam 6-8 weeks of a new schedule, where you work so many days a week and put him in daycare, and then revisit the situation. I think you would both have to promise to remain open-minded through the process, and then have a true discussion about how it went, pros/cons, and make a decision from there. I think it's hard for both of you to "win" the argument right now, because you are speaking purely in hypotheticals at this point. In order for him to see how it would be, and for you to know how it would be, you have to actually do it.
And, FWIW, I stay home with LO, and she is ALWAYS sick! I think she's had about 8 colds in her 8 months of life. Some serious, some not so much. It happens. There are germs everywhere. Yes -- more of them at daycare, but still everywhere.
The place I found is a licensed in-home provider who charges hourly ($10) for drop-in which is all I've needed so far. And I've totally told him to stay home, and he's all "Oh I'd love to in a heartbeat." But he really wouldn't. I charge more per hour than he does, so technically I could be the breadwinner, but I'd have to see a minimum of 20 patients a week which I've done before but given that each person I work with is usually 1-2hrs of work on top of that... DH would never go for the 50-60hrs I was doing like I was a few yrs ago. It's a fun thought though. He actually promises that if we have another child, he will stay home for at least 6 months. I think he knows I won't do it otherwise.
It sounds like your DH is having a bit of an identity crisis since he became a parent. On the one hand he wants it to be the same as when he grew up (largely b/c of your MIL's influence), and on the other hand he fell in love with a career driven, successful woman who always envisioned a healthy balance of work and staying at home with the kids. As much as you talk about SAH vs working before baby gets here, the rubber doesn't meet the road until you've been parents for many months...and then one day, the s*** hits the fan!
I posted about communication in response to your first post and I think the same is true for this one. I would try and sit down with him with some wine and cheese (or whatever else relaxes you..this is my go-to thing though :0 and explain what you are thinking. Make a rule that no fighting is allowed!!! I have found that if you consciously say this the fighting simply doesn't happen.
Bottom line: SAH is not for everyone and you should not be expected to do this!!! You did not sign some contract before Liam's birth saying you would SAH every day. If you believe Liam will be better off in a daycare or with a nanny then explain your reasons to DH and he will understand. Maybe MIL could watch the baby a few days a week if she is unemployed? or would that just aid to your anxiety level
I know this will all blow over and you will come to a resolution soon....everyone fights over these issues! It is totally normal!
Yeah I like the idea, but like you said, hard for me to do. I have to rebuild my practice when I go back to work which will takes a few months at least.
I think you're spot on with the identity crisis. And you're right about the communication thing. DH thinks that as long as he uses "good communication words" all is fine. It's kind of funny actually...
MIL lives in upstate NY (and we're in DC). There is no reason for her to live there, other than to hide. Her entire family lives either here or in FL (where my SIL hides). I'm grateful that she lives far enough away that she can't watch DS every day. She takes good care of him for sure, but she would literally disrespect what I tell her to do because she's the "older mother" and knows best.