Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Things People Say: Personal Favorites

1). "This is SO common.  I mean, you would literally be amazed at the amount of women this happens to.  In fact, this happened to my aunt/sister/cousin/neighbor, etc." 

2). "Well, at least you are young and have lots of time."

3). "You shouldn't be thinking about what may go wrong with the next pregnancy."

4).  Me: "I don't like going to the doc office because I see all the pregnant women in the waiting room and wish it was me."  Jane Doe: "Yeah, but just think about how many of those women have had miscarriages!"

5). "As long as you keep taking your prenatal vitamins, everything will be fine."

6). "Hey, at least you know you can get pregnant!"

7). "Just calling to let you know that Jane and John Doe just had their healthy baby and everything is great".

*Note: I realize that many people mean well and just don't realize what they are saying is DUMB.

:-) Have a great day ladies!

 

Re: Things People Say: Personal Favorites

  • Yeah, those do hurt to hear. I was guilty of saying a lot of them before I realized what it is like to be on this side of fence. But, these are all said from a loving heart of a friend/family member who cares, so I try to focus on the intention, rather than the words.

    Something I have learned in grief counseling: our society really doesn't teach us how to "grieve", nor do we know how to react when someone is grieving in front of us. Instead, we are so focused on trying to make people get over their grief as soon as possible. It's an interesting concept.


    BFP #1 via IUI ~ L (Fatal Birth Defect) 4/7/10
    BFP #2 via IUI ~ m/c
    BFP #3 via cancelled IUI ~ C (2lb 3oz; HELLP) 5/16/11
    BFP #4 via the natural (free!) way ~ E (8lb 11oz) 9/13/12
    image







  • May I add? 

    Coworker: Next time you get pregnant, the most important thing is that you are healthy. 

    WTF does that mean?? 

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  • My personal favorite is "at least you have DD". Yea cause when your dad dies I'm gonna be like well at least you have your mom.
    Andrea 7/9/08, Joaquin 4/18/11, boy coming 12/18/13 Forever missed: Gabriel 11/24/09 at 20 weeks
  • My favorite is when a coworker comes up behind me (out of nowhere mind you), places her hand on my shoulder, and asks if I'm still mouning my loss. Uhm, duh!!
    natural miscarriage 11/17/08 @ roughly 4 weeks
    natural miscarriage 4/11/10 @ 9 weeks 4 days
    our miracle, Cecilia Mae, born 5/22/11
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  • Sadly, I have to admit that before I experienced this I was guilty of saying atleast a few of those phrases.

    a few that I have gotten:

    "At least she is in a better place now"

    "You're lucky you get all this time off of work"

    "Everything happens for a reason" 

    Hi, I'm Amanda :)

    Remembering Evelyn and raising Bailey
    Evelyn Born at 24wks 6days on May 22, 2010 due to pre-e Passed away May 25, 2010

    BFP# 2 Delivered 6wks early due to preeclampsia
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  • On the phone:

    MIL: So what's Julie up to?

    DH: She's in bed, she's been crying a lot today.

    MIL: Hrmmm, that's not good.... do you think she's depressed?

    DH: Uhh Mom, she lost her mother just 3 weeks ago and now our baby died. Who in the hell wouldn't be depressed?

  • My personal favorites:

    1. "The pregnancy is over. It's OVER. You  have to start moving on."

    2. "The reason your HCG won't fall is because all you are thinking about is being pregnant. Haven't you heard of a hysterical pregnancy."

  • I have heard "you're young enough to try again" from people who don't know how old I am. 

    Of course there is the Indifferent which says alot in itself.

    My Blog
    We love and miss you Jillian (18w) and Peanut (6w). Welcome to our TAC miracle Jacob!
  • My father told me that people were going to say some stupid things to me the day we found out... but that their hearts are in the right place. Boy has he been right!!! People just don't know. If only they knew a simple "i'm sorry" and a hug is the best thing that they could say.


    BFP#1 {Cashew} - 9.19.09 EDD 5.26.10
    The day you first lay in my arms, you made my life complete.
    Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
    BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11

  • Cashew, I wish they would just say I'm sorry, or I have no idea what you're going through...instead I think I've heard every single thing noted on here. Makes me want to stay in my house all day. I've taken to telling people lately who ask how I'm doing that I'm sad. Really sad.
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    BFP #1: 07/10/2009, Missed m/c, D&C 08/12/2009
    BFP #2: 01/31/2010, Identical Twins died in utero due to TTTS, D&E 05/19/2010
    BFP #3: 09/16/2010, natural m/c 9/21/2010
    PCOS & Bocornuate Uterus Dx 1.4.2011
    BFP #4: 01/11/2011
  • I've heard most of these as well. I have one to add:

    "Well, at least you know the plumbing works!"

     Um. Uh. Huh?

    .
  • BlakeGBlakeG member

    The worst one I've heard - "Well it wasn't REALLY a baby"

     

    Natural BFP - 2/13/10, Natural M/C - 3/9/10 (Missed m/c found at 8wks 4days) Prenatal B/W shows I'm a Beta Thal carrier & so is DH. Onto IVF w/PGD... Jan 2011 - IVF #1 - C/P Mar 2011 - IVF #2 - Day 5 PGD, no ET, 5 snow babies May 2011 - FET #1 - BFP!! Twins!!! 2/9/12 - Our precious miracles arrived! Baby A 7lbs 13oz & Baby B 5lbs 13oz
  • May I add "Isn't all the support you're getting so wonderful!"

    No thanks, I would prefer to not have needed the support in the first place. 

    May 2011 Siggy Challenge
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  • When I told my stepmom my waterbroke and that I was lossing the baby, she said "Why what did you do, did you lift some boxes or something?" I was so mad I yelled at her "no, I was laying in bed sleep at 6 AM!.

    I wish people had better filters.

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  • imageKK1109:

    May I add? 

    Coworker: Next time you get pregnant, the most important thing is that you are healthy. 

    WTF does that mean?? 

    WTF? 

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  • imageSmallestWilk:

    2. "The reason your HCG won't fall is because all you are thinking about is being pregnant. Haven't you heard of a hysterical pregnancy."

    are you freaking serious?!?!?!? 

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  • My boss: you and your husband need to talk to someone so ya'll can get over it

     Oh I'm sorry miss I was drinking and eating sushi while I was pregnant and have never had a miscarriage...

    'At least you wern't that far along' yea cause that makes a he!! of a difference.

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  • imageChicwed:
    imageSmallestWilk:

    2. "The reason your HCG won't fall is because all you are thinking about is being pregnant. Haven't you heard of a hysterical pregnancy."

    are you freaking serious?!?!?!? 

    I wouldn't have had the control to prevent myself from kicking that person in the crotch. 

    May 2011 Siggy Challenge
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  • imageBlakeG:

    The worst one I've heard - "Well it wasn't REALLY a baby"

     

    This!! I hate hearing that! What the he!! was it..a pony?!? 

    The other worst ones I've heard (and all from the same person) were:

    We'll it's good you're depressed and down now the only way to go is up.

    if your performance starts to suffer because of this we'll have to respond appropriately

    and I understand what you're going through my wife had a m/c but it was our last chance- (thanks for minimizing it a**hole)

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  • "Well, Susan...you wouldn't have been good with a baby anyway." 

    "You're just one of those people God chose to do this to" 

    imageVincent Julian born on March 27th, 2013 DX with Down Syndrome image
    baby
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  • imageemeraudecephiro:

    "Well, Susan...you wouldn't have been good with a baby anyway." 

    "You're just one of those people God chose to do this to

    These are absolutely horrible!!!!  People are asshats.  HOLY CRAP! 

    TTC since January 2010
    BFP 5/9/10. U/S - no heartbeat 6/2/10 (7 weeks). Induced miscarriage 6/7/10.
    Chemical pregnancies 12/2/10, 1/3/11, and 2/7/11.
    dx: RPL due to poor quality uterine lining; begin progesterone January 2011
    BFP 3/10/11. EDD 11/19/11. E arrived 11/15/11!

    Loss Blog | Life Blog

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  • imageemeraudecephiro:

    "Well, Susan...you wouldn't have been good with a baby anyway." 

    "You're just one of those people God chose to do this to" 

    WTF!!!

    My Blog
    We love and miss you Jillian (18w) and Peanut (6w). Welcome to our TAC miracle Jacob!
  • imageanonomity:
    imageemeraudecephiro:

    "Well, Susan...you wouldn't have been good with a baby anyway." 

    "You're just one of those people God chose to do this to

    These are absolutely horrible!!!!  People are asshats.  HOLY CRAP! 

    Serious asshats! I wish life were like the movies, because after comments like these Chuck Norris should come flying into the scene and deliver a roundhouse kick to the face of said asshat, and then warn them to think before they speak next time

  • He'd come out of the heavens and do so, I'm sure, Daisy. This made me laugh, thanks :)
    imageVincent Julian born on March 27th, 2013 DX with Down Syndrome image
    baby
      BabyFruit Ticker
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  • Man, there are so many.  Lots have been said but the one that kills me is:

    "at least you know you can get pregnant" and

    "everything happens for a reason"

    What f*$*king reason?

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  • imagedaisy142:

    Serious asshats! I wish life were like the movies, because after comments like these Chuck Norris should come flying into the scene and deliver a roundhouse kick to the face of said asshat, and then warn them to think before they speak next time

    This made me giggle, but I think that it's a great idea! 

    My Blog
    We love and miss you Jillian (18w) and Peanut (6w). Welcome to our TAC miracle Jacob!
  • imagecatngar77:

    Man, there are so many.  Lots have been said but the one that kills me is:

    "at least you know you can get pregnant" and

    "everything happens for a reason"

    What f*$*king reason?

    Exactly!! I hate that one. Everything happens for a reason. What's the reason?? That and God has a plan. Right, because I am sure God's plan was for my baby to die. I find it hard to believe that this was part of some big plan.

    Married 9/19/09
    BFP#1 05/19/10 M/C 6/4/10 d/x threatened m/c 6/6/10 m/c confirmed
    BFP#2 10/26/10 M/C 11/01/10
    BFP#3 11/28/10 C/P 11/29/10
    BFP#4 02/23/11 M/C 3/1/11
    BFP#5 08/13/11 EDD 04/27/12 Beta @11DPO 8.79 Beta @13DPO 36 Beta @17DPO 179 Beta @20DPO 679!! 6w3d hb 116 bpm! 8w3d hb 164 bpm! 10w4d hb 177-187 NT scan 12w2d hb 173-everything looks great! 14w4d-everything still looks great! A/S scheduled for 12/12!
    Our rainbow baby is here!! Emmalynn Anne born 4/27/12 via unplanned c-section
    BFP#6 Surprise! Here comes baby #2! Harper Elizabeth born 12/17/13 via c-section
  • Wow, People really can suck!

     My fave is: "Well, you can try again"

    and

    "you should have started trying when you were younger."

  • I know people mean well but..

    I got "Well, maybe you can't have boys and that's what it was".

    Thanks.  Really reassuring!

  • "I can show you some yoga poses that prevent miscarriages so this doesn't happen again."
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  • linz85linz85 member
    imagemillejj1:
    imageBlakeG:

    The worst one I've heard - "Well it wasn't REALLY a baby"

     

    This!! I hate hearing that! What the he!! was it..a pony?!? 

     

    I hate that! Because I was so early I hear it A LOT.  And this pony comment made me laugh OUT LOUD!!!!

    **All WELCOME!**
    Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers
    BFP 1 4/2010 M/C 5/1/2010 8w2d EDD 12/10/10 BFP 2 5/5/2011 C/P?? 5/14/2011 5w2d EDD 01/12/12 BFP 3 3/12/2012 EDD 11/23/12 Ultrasound 4/11/12 H/B 160bpm! It's a GIRL!
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  • "This is nature's way of correcting something that was wrong"

    - Oh what a wonderful thing to say.. I really want to think that my conceiving was "wrong"

     

    " It's been 3 days. You need to let go"

    - Geez, thanks for letting me know how long I should grieve

     

    " Just think, next time you get pregnant it will be even more special"

    - WTF??? No, next time I will be scared to death.  

     

    I do agree though that the people who are saying these things mean well.  We know there is nothing right to say but they are just trying to be there for us.

     My younger brother probably responded the best.  He said, "I just don't know what to say. I can't relate at all to what you are going through, it just sucks.  I am here for you though if you just want to talk."

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