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Blended Families
RenandStimpy
member
all that over a birthday?
RenandStimpy
member
First let me say I have a restraining and a no contact order. He was allowed to email me ONLY for the purpose of communicating to DD. This is the man that threated my life and to break down my door with all the kids home, over the phone. Thats why he isnt to call my house.
As far as DD's birthday, oh well, he has visitation today whats the big deal? He gave no sympathy when he took her for mothers day, then like an ass faught for fathers day, then threw a fit over labor day????
Im done with the holiday drama from him, which is why I dont answer, IN MY STATE...if you persue a restraining order and then you go back and violate by participating, guess what....YOU CAN GO TO JAIL TOO. And i know he would do it in a heart beat. Which is why when I heard his voice I immediately handed it to DD. No I didnt hang up and be heartless, I figured fine I answered it and its done let her talk to him and then hang up so he cant say ANYTHING to me to upset me or get me to play his game.
All I was doing was trying to protect myself.
Once people realize, and there will come a day when it happens, he only tries to do anything with his child...just to hurt me. Its not because he cares, Its not because he is a good dad. No he didnt change, because trust me I literally begged god that thats what it was in the begginning. But this is his consistent behavior. I honestly think he will do anything to hurt me, including hurting his own kids. Which little and little is what he is doing.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: all that over a birthday?
and just for the record, NO...after the conversation I had with my lawyer yesterday, NO WAY would I deliberately try to be an ass to him. I know it will make me look bad. As I said, Im following the law and rules as per court order. I was asked by HIM to not call his house when DD was there so I asked for the same.
This really shouldnt be an issue. And yes a birthday I can see as an exception, the problem is that every, and I do mean EVERY time he calls or gets on the phone with me it ends in a threat. Did I want DD to have that energy around on her b-day, no. Did I feel like dealing with it, no. So thats why I chose to ignore his calls. But he did get to talk to her, I just made sure he didnt get to talk to me. I also emailed my lawyer about it this morning in case he said I tried to say something to him on the phone.
I know he tries to suck me into this crap because he knows that picking at my relationship with my children is soemthing I wont tolerate, so he does it, he knows its too hard for me to back down, so this is MY way of being the bigger person. Its like a drug, if you cant help yourself, stay away from it. You know you cant deal with it so dont put yourself in that situation.
Im sorry if you all got the wrong impression at first. But yes, honestly, Im not trying to hurt him, Im just trying to move on with my life. And YES i am using your advice, I believe it was you hindsight that said to just hand the phone to DD and then hang up. I took that advice as you can see.
And Im documenting as all of you suggested. I am in therapy, and its going better since Im cutting ties one by one and doing what he suggested...to just look at this like a bad business decision, its too late to back out, i have too much invested, I love dd too much to just let go, and approach the ex like a cold stone partner in handeling the business hours, thats it. When I think of it that way, ok I hate him. But I dont want *business* to suffer because we cant work it out. So work with the hours, so the *business* gets off the ground. DD will grow and what Im here for is to be her mother, NOT his judge and jury. He will have that one day, but not with me. I am here to provide that loving stable home. Im here to be there when she cries. Im here to throw the my little pony parties. Im here to curl her hair and put on her crown and butterfly wings and fly her around. Im ONLY here for that. Nothing else matters.
As I said. Ive gotten ahold of what I need to get through this and move on. Maybe it came off the wronge way.
How is it that we all consistantly get the wrong impression?
Keep patting yourself on the back while shooting yourself in the foot.
You are a drama queen and I'm really starting to doubt your previous stories.
Good luck with life. I have nothing more to say to you.
Click me, click me!
Okay, tell me this...youve read my previous posts you say? You know I have a restraining order. So why would you think its ok for him to call my house? You know he has said numerous things on the phone when I have only picked up with good intentions, but of course it turns out to be a ploy for him to basically threaten to take DD off to mexico or basically just scream at me. SO why would I pick up?
It seems like you read my posts and then act like you have no prior information on this. I mean Ive been posting for months, everyone thats a regular here knows the back ground, thats why I dont post every little detail, which if you dont have might seem like Im just shutting him out and trying to be a ***, but thats not the case.
What I dont get is how you offer advice and then get pissed when its actually taken????
Its been a long time since Ive had to do all this on my own and yeah I am doing it, and no its not easy, but its getting ALOT better with the clearer picture Im getting.
And you all have helped me get there.
I got so much from your alls point of view on step moms and I can say that Im giving his GF more than I ever thought I would. I trust her.
And I think alot of people on here have seen that Ive tried to put the past behind me and just move on taking it day by day.
Anyway, like I said if you had no previous information on this situation I can reread that post and see where it sounds bitchy. But following the law and trying to make sure he doesnt play me again and turn it around on me is more important than his feelings.
Your DD obviously does not have a restraining order against him because he is allowed to see her. Especially with only seeing her once or twice a week he needs to be allowed to call her, and on special occasions especially.
You don't need to talk to him, depending on DD's age you could 1. Hand the phone directly to her and say "daddy's calling" and let her talk and then hang up, or if you think she'd be confused with answering you could 2. answer it yourself, say "hold on let me get DD" and then again hang up when she is done. No need for you to say anything more than 6 words to him, and no need to listen to him say anything.
We have a BM who never, ever answers when we call, and she calls back days later. It's frustrating to no end not being able to talk to DD on holidays, b-day etc. Of course when we have DD for an occasion we always answer and let BM speak to her.
Im basically concerned with him just coming back all the time saying "I dont know what your talking about" after he does one of his sporatic threats. thats all.
I cant record him, my voice recorder makes the phone buzz so he would know I was doing it and it doesnt turn out when you play it back so its pointless.
I hate not being able to call DD when she spends the weekend at his house, I love to tell her good night, but thats our court order, and he is the one who requested it. Im not blowing up over it, I just dont like being put in the position where he will come back and deny stuff, Thats why I did just hand the phone to her.
Im not trying to say he is wrong to call his DD, I just think he needs to realize the rules are meant to be followed by BOTH of us at ALL times, not broken just by him or made exceptions when he feels like it.
First, courts DO take into account parental rights when they hand out restraining orders. If there was concern for your daughter's safety, they would have instituted one for her and denied him any visitation.
And since they did not do that, they HAVE to acknowledge that there will be some contact between the two parents regarding scheduling and that there will be contact between the parent and the child. So please do not try to use the restraining order as an excuse for your lack of judgment.
Which brings me to my second point. For someone who wants to use this restraining order to her advantage, you seemed to have broken the letter of the law many times on your own. YOU have initiated contact. YOU have responded to his contact. All when it appeals to YOU.
So please stop and see how hypocritical it is to try to use something you have never followed before to justify your behavior now. Because again, if your ex was smart enough, he will USE THAT against you. (which was my point regarding this whole debacle to begin with)
Which brings me to my third point. If he is not supposed to contact you, why haven't you gone to the cops for breaking the restraining order?
One would think that if it really stated no contact at all, you would have used this immediately.....which is why I did not think that the restraining order had any relevance - because YOU didn't seem to think it did through YOUR PAST actions.
And finally I (i cannot speak for the rest of the women here) am getting a bit irked by you. You only take our advice when it is advantageous to YOU, not to the overall situation. You pick and choose which pieces of advice to use and then only every now and then.
The thing is, I wanted you to succeed. But every time you post something that is so outrageous, so drama filled and so petty, I have a harder time trying to pull it together. I am sure that your Ex is far from a good parent. But your own actions are not making you out to be any better.
So please get yourself into some consistent therapy to work out your own issues. Because it is very evident that they are affecting your outlook here.
No he might have honestly changed, Im pondering that thought, but as you said time will tell. And I would hate to see DD go through what my oldest has. It would break me. But if he stays with his current GF and if she doesnt leave (?) then even if he is stupid, I know his GF will keep being in DD's life. And the more I get to know her, The more Id let her be in DD's life even if she didnt have to be. Not that thats the topic here.
As far as past isntances Illlume, I did say that I hashed things out with my lawyer, and we both came to understandings. She basically got in my face and was like....NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE THAT HE IS AN *** TO YOU, he is being a good father in front of everyone else. SO STOP ENGAGING WITH HIM. She said she can see a pattern in the emails she has gotten, i fwd everything to her. And she told me to basically blow him off and eventually he is going to have a tantrum. So thats what im doing. Also, after his initail fit of threatening to quit his job so i wont get CS, I started having the sherrifs dept witness calls made to him in case he was late with Drop off/pick up. So if it came into court The judge would know I wasnt harassing him. And, as far as emails those were fine but after my meeting with the lawyer neither of us will be emailing eachother. So Im relieved.
I try to take a step back and put myself OUT of the situation. But I think some of you have your mind made up about me, thats your opinion. But you dont HAVE to reply to my posts either. So while your handing out some advice of being mature and walking away, try to take some as well.
As far as not taking advice, the only time I flat out decided to do what I thought was best was when i took a vacation. It turned out fine. Thats it, Ive done my best to think of what every situation is going to detail. What he can use against me, how he can play it out, if DD would be affected, etc. I dont think anything BAD came out of not answering his first two calls. Its not like it wasnt her b-day and we werent busy having a party here. Who wants to deal with him during that time. When he finally got to talk to her the party was over and she was focused on his converstation, so I think it played out better that way. Its not like I specifically planned it that way so I seem like the better parent, NO. It just worked out that way.
YOu can be trying to move on with your life...following the court order and not trying let engage in disputes with him while being snotty causing him to reciprocate it. My DH's ex does all of the above and while is polite, everything is laced with attitude.
I don't think a father that would fight in court to see his child like this doesn't care about his child. You just want him to be a dead beat dad.
And btw, I think restraining orders are frivolous.
oh im sure she is, maybe thats between them? Does he let it bother him? Does he run and cry to you everytime she does it? If she wants to have attitude why do you get involved?
Idk, just my thoughts. I do have an attitude when dealing with him, Because I know what a useless fly on the wall father he is underneith his act. However, thats also why Im avoiding him. We dont have to communicate so this way we dont have to deal with eachothers attitudes.
and JMO, but I think a weapons permit and the right training makes a person feel better than a piece of paper.
However, I still have the piece of paper.
Was that comment in reference to you getting a gun?? If so, you have deeper issues to examine...
As far as the restraining order goes, you have been going on and on about how you and he talk all the time, email back and forth, etc. I assumed like the others have that the RO doesn't matter a whole lot because you break it all the time. Don't use it as an excuse if you are going to do the exact same thing as he does.
I get that you honestly feel you are in the right here...but you have to take a step back and realize that you are being really controlling and turning into everything that you are claiming that he is.
I wish you would understand that in the long run you are hurting your DD. You keep going on and on about how all you want is to spare her pain...but you are causing it. You are creating a poison environment for her with her father.
You have 3 kids...2 different fathers...your oldest doesn't have his bio-dad in his life and has had an allegedly bad experience with your ex...Why do you feel bringing a new guy into this situation is going to help anyone involved?
You went on vacation and left your 3 month old to go see your new boyfriend who is *not* the baby's father?
That really says it all, IMHO
Once people realize, and there will come a day when it happens, he only tries to do anything with his child...just to hurt me. Its not because he cares, Its not because he is a good dad. No he didnt change, because trust me I literally begged god that thats what it was in the begginning. But this is his consistent behavior. I honestly think he will do anything to hurt me, including hurting his own kids. Which little and little is what he is doing.
Ren do you honest to god believe that this is all about you??? He has a new gf, has made no signs of wanting you back - his life would be so much easier if you were totally out of the picture - the ONLY reason he is in contact with you is DD - PERIOD. Get over yourself.
I get that you honestly feel you are in the right here...but you have to take a step back and realize that you are being really controlling and turning into everything that you are claiming that he is.
Thats it in a nutshell - well said mhwood.
Ren i do not envy you - and i realise it is easy to point fingers. I'm not trying to fall out with you or isolate you here - i really do hope things get better for you. But - you have to realise what we get from your posts are that currently (i know he did horrible things in the past) he is fighting hard to see his daughter, always shows up for visitation, calls on bdays etc, wants paternity tests to see if DS is his, pays CS, has a nice gf and a job.
You on the other hand are filled with bitterness/hate. Fight him every step of the way. Have probs with everyone, his SM, previously his GF, your attorney. Have made some questionable decisions (the vacation, new BF).
We would love to see you doing well - but you need help. I'm glad your getting councelling and i hope you have some day to day help also. I'm praying you get this job - at the very least to get you out of the house and maybe regain some confidence/independance.
When it comes to hate/bitterness Ren all your doing is trying to kill him by swallowing the poison - it will only damage you.
I TOTALLY agree with this!
I was with you Ren until you posted about this . . . That was just a crazy thing to do. Not cool.
Oh MY God. So, she's a bad mother because she went on vacation when she had a three month old at home? Hmm...very interesting.
Actually, there is more to the vacation story. She wanted to take the DD with her. But her current CO did not allow her to take the girl out of state.
So she tried to go around the courts by claiming that the Ex was a deadbeat, that his Stepmother was a danger to the child and a couple other inconsequential issues in order to justify HER need to break the CO.
And when she DID NOT get the courts to agree with her very transparent machinations, she "oh woes me'ed".
But what she did NOT do is stay home. If she was that concerned about the daughter's safety/health a GOOD mother would have not gone on a trip. A good mother would have stayed behind to watch out for her child.
THIS is an example of the poor/petty behavior that she has been showing. And every time she does something like this, she only makes HERSELF look worse and her Ex look better. And there have been a number of examples since her first posting. And we all have been very supportive and accommodating up till this last stunt.
We can no longer be supportive of someone who is so darned self-destructive. Because in the end, the ONLY person who gets hurt here is the child. And ultimately, we are more concerned with the babies than an adult who should know better.
So, who did her DD end up staying with? The judgement on this board is so sickening.
The DD ended up staying with the same father who was a deadbeat/lowlife/abuser and the SM who is a *** who hates the DD and never acknowledged her for years and who smokes in front of her and who...blah blah blah...
Do I judge her? Hell yes I do. Do I care that you are upset that I judge her?? Not in the least.
I think you will find though that the women on here are some of the most supportive you will ever meet.
Have you taken the time to go back and read through the posts pertaining to this subject. Because if you haven't you are clearly the one being judgemental. Ren has gotten so much positive support, so much coddling, advice, and constructive criticism. She continues this vicious circle within her life, and does not take said advice seriously. After a long while it gets very old, and the people who have tried to help her get irritated, then let her know how they really feel.
For the most part, the women on here are very supportive, brutally honest, and very intelligent. If you want puppies and sunshine, or a bunch of sympathy, you won't find it here. We get the occasional person who does not fit this description, but they usually don't last long. When they don't hear what they want, the predictable temper tantrum, and GBCN typically ensues.
She left the baby with the very man she is condemning, the deadbeat father who provided access to the unhealthy step-grandmother.
Our "judgements" are based solely her NUMEROUS posts. As we stated, this is just ONE example of her poor judgement calls . The same judgement calls that we have continually provided support and direction for.
I could site you more than a handful of situations she has put HERSELF into and how we have given thoughtful, supportive, common sense solutions every single time. You can also see how we have praised her for her positive actions as well. But I won't.
Because here is the thing - you are just as judgemental as you say we are = more so infact. Because YOU have based your response on ONE post. So pot, try not calling us colorful names unless you have all of the facts.
BTW - welcome to our board. Maybe, while you are reading up on Ren's past posts, you will see the true makeup of our board. You would be surprised.