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Blended Families
ambrvan
member
We won, but did we really accomplish anything?
ambrvan
member
It's been quite a while since I've been here. But some of you hopefully remember me.
Well, we finally won our custody battle. My FI (we're getting married in three weeks!) finally gained full custodial rights his four year old daughter. Maybe it's just the sour feeling of change and loneliness talking, but I kind of feel like we fought for nothing.
We originally started this fight because we found out SD was living in filthy conditions (to be polite) at BM's apartment, and we feared for her safety around her older half-siblings. FI was granted temporary custody until something could be settled in or out of court, and BM was allowed supervised visitation at BM's mother's house on the weekends.
Everything got better. No more incidents with the older siblings. SD didn't smell like an ash tray and looked like she was getting a bath every night. Her behavior improved considerably, but I think that was mostly to do with her spending the majority of the time at our house. It still took a day or two of diligence and reminders and time outs to get her back to normal acceptable behavior (according to our house rules) after spending the weekend at her grandparents. But overall, things were acceptable.
However, BM finally signed the custody agreement that FI proposed, and it went into effect as of this weekend. But I feel as if the only thing that has changed is that FI is now the primary custodial parent. BM can go back to staying at her house (a new house since the filth drove her to move out of her previous apartment, thus drawing it to our attention) under the condition that FI can enter the house if he wishes whenever he picks up SD to make sure that it is clean. SD is not to be left unsupervised with her older half-siblings. BM and SD's older half-brother also must continue counseling. And visitation goes back to weekly - one week with us, one week with BM. But if one parent works at night (which BM has been doing up until this past week), SD spends the night with the other parent and sees the parent on current visitation during waking hours.
FI says he is hoping this was an eye opener for BM to see that she couldn't get away with whatever she wanted to do just because she was the mother and that she sees he will fight for his daughter's best interests. He is giving her the chance to step up and prove that she can be a good mother. He says any slip ups and we'll go to court and he'll take SD completely, allowing supervised BM visitation every other weekend only, and depending on whether or not the problems with the older half siblings arise again, she may only be able to see her when the other kids are with their father.
Now maybe I have just gotten used to her being here. but I'm really rather depressed about her being gone all this week. And I've got red flags going up. BM really does seem to have changed and seem willing and ready to prove herself. But I'm not totally convinced. And I kind of feel like we fought so hard (not to mention paid way too much money that we did not have) for nothing. I mean, it's not nothing if everything really does work and and BM holds up and does her part. But what if she doesn't?
I try really hard to stand back and let FI handle these things because this is between him and BM. I have been very careful from the start not to overstep my bounds. I'm not her mother. I understand that. But I do have a lot of vested interest in her. I have spent two years of my life caring for her, raising her, loving her. I love her like I would my own daughter. I love her just as much as I do my son. And I think that counts for something, right? I think I have a very big interest in her well being.
So... to wrap up this long post (thanks to those who read the whole thing), this is going to be one long and lonely week without SD around. I'm laid off work for the summer, and it's been quite an adventure every day being home with both of them. But now it will just be me and the baby this week. Not that he won't keep me plenty busy. It's just going to take some getting used to again.
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Re: We won, but did we really accomplish anything?
I understand how you are feeling. But remember if BM has changed and is working on being a good mom, this is the best for your SD. You obviously love SD and if she can have a healthy relationship with both her parents, that will be in her best interest.
You need to keep on top of things and hopefully you FI continues to check in with BM and make sure SD is being well taken care of and everything is being done at BM's that needs to be. Good luck!
I completely understand how you feel! up until September of this year we had SD about 75 -80 percent of the time because of BM's work schedule adn a few other things. In September she got a new boyfriend and got fired from her job and suddenly wanted to follow the CO of two weeks on two weeks off. I swear the two weeks she is with her mom feel like an ETERNITY.
The upside for you is though that if BM really is trying ot be a good parent, then it will be better for your daughter in the long run. SM's can love our SK's as much as our own children, but we can't ever really replace the love they need from their bio parents.
The papers name him primary custodial parent, but he wanted to allow BM to be able to see SD on a weekly basis as we did before as long as she stepped up and agreed to his other terms.
It used to be 50/50 visitation and joint custody. But he demanded full custody inlight of the issues so that if things were to go sour again, we would not have to fight so hard to get SD out of the situation.
And yes, I know that if BM is willing to step up and be responsible, this is the best thing for her. I just hope that is what happens. I hope this was an eye opener. But I honestly don't see it happening. I see things going well for a while, and then BM slacking off thinking FI isn't on top of it anymore. And I see him all too willing to believe that BM is going to try her best. Because truth be told, she still doesn't believe her oldest son has any issues. She is only in coulnseling with him because the school says he has to be or he will be expelled and the custody papers say they have to be in counseling together. And since he has entered counseling, the older sister's behavior has improved, as well. I just don't think BM will supervise them as well as they need to be. But I guess we'll just have to wait and see if the injuries and stories start coming up again.
But what happens if it goes too far this time and we are to blame for letting it happen?
I think that this is a legit worry and I would follow the CO to the T. If it isn't in the CO, then it doesn't happen. Period.
Good luck
YES, you DID accomplish something. Sole custody (even with a liberal visitation policy) is a big deal - especially if it was granted to the father. This may not be the end of things, but you have gained a lot of ground and it will make the future issues that arise much easier to deal with.
Good Luck!
One parent is always listed as the custodial parent (primary custody).
One parent is always listed as the custodial parent (primary custody).
Huh...not here. Here if it is 50/50 it is listed as joint physical custody and then states which school district the child will attend. Otherwise it is sole w/ visitation...
Same here, DH and BM used to have joint 50/50 until she screwed her life up last fall.
Custody laws as far as 50/50 or majority time or sole vary from state to state, though most states do follow the same lines or similar ones. BM's other two kids's father is in Wyoming, and is having a hell of a time in court (we went to him when issues arose with SD and adivsed him to check into things with his own kids and explained that his son needed serious counseling and the school was suggesting a psychological eval that his mother was refusing). He is actually moving back here to Tennessee to make things easier for all of them.
Anyway, yes, there was some suspiscion of sexual abuse, and all signs vanished when visitation was ordered to be supervised. SD was never alone with her older siblings. As a matter of fact, because they were all staying with their grandparents during visitation weekends, BM and all the kids slept in the living room, so they were not even alone at night. The doctor's said there was no evidence of penetration or anything like that. But we had ample records of other things that often preceed the physical abuse, such as SD's stories of touching games, markers drawn all over her body and circling around her nipples (not done by herself because the marker was drawn in a continuous flow that reached to places SD cannot reach on her own), and SD's stories of her and her older half-sibs taking their clothes off and playing house.
We were told that since the behavior has since ceased and her older siblings have improved according to their counselors and schools and BM seems to be more aware and plugged into the situation and willing to acknowledge it and work on it, there was nothing we could do as long as the environment stays clean. Since there was no physical proof of anything other than SD's stories.
I can see why FI wants his daughter to have a good relationship with her biological mother, but at the same time, I know you all can see why I still have my doubts and worries. Just because things got better for a little while doesn't mean they will stay that way. And what if we can't stop it before it's too late? But I guess we just have to wait and see now, don't we?
I know every state is different. Here DH and BM have 50/50 legal custody. That being said one is considered the custodial parent because with how many days are in a year you can't split it right down the middle. So one parent is considered the custodial parent (where the child lives the majority of the time) and one the noncustodial parent.
physical placement and legal custody are separate things. A parent could have joint legal custody and never see the kids, theoretically.
I'm happy for you that you can monitor the situation - don't let DH ever do a d/o or p/u without checking her house.
I agree, I'd be a little let-down that you didn't push for more time. I think a week is a long time for SD to be in a questionable situation.