- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Supporting others while struggling yourself - divorce related
My brother has had issues in his marriage for a long while. His wife is physically and verbally abusive to him, but because of his strong Christian faith he would not consider ending his marriage. It has continued to escalate over the past year and a half or two years. Finally, last year, he tried to take out a restraining order so that they could try a separation for awhile. The judge mocked him saying that a big strong marine should be able to handle his wife.
So, my brother has felt his only option was to stay married to her and accept it. I think things have continued to escalate recently and finally my brother posted a note on facebook that he is filing for divorce. He feels that he has turned away from God's commandments by requesting a divorce and I can tell he feels like he has lost everything.
I want to be supportive of him right now, but I am having a hard enough time just making it through each day myself. I am not a Christian, so I have no guidance there.. I am not in the best place to be handing out "it will all be OK" advice.
I just told him that when he is ready to talk, I will listen. What else can I say to him right now? Anyone else struggling to keep themselves afloat and having a difficult time supporting their friends and family?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Supporting others while struggling yourself - divorce related
The best you could most likely do for him is find supportive groups close to where he lives to help him through this time. Where my parents live there are a number of survivors of abuse and christian support groups. A google search should help.
Also, your brother could definately speak to his pastor.
Best wishes!
While divorce is not easily accepted by many Christians, I would tell him that God doesn't want him to be in an abusive relationship either. It sounds like your brother has tried to make things work and it's not fair to him to be in a relationship where he is the only one giving love and support.
?
I would definitely ditto suggesting he talk to his pastor, or perhaps a Christian therapist/counselor.
BFP 5/9/10. U/S - no heartbeat 6/2/10 (7 weeks). Induced miscarriage 6/7/10.
Chemical pregnancies 12/2/10, 1/3/11, and 2/7/11.
dx: RPL due to poor quality uterine lining; begin progesterone January 2011
BFP 3/10/11. EDD 11/19/11. E arrived 11/15/11!
Loss Blog | Life Blog
Back in the early 1960s, my MIL was trapped in a physically abusive marriage with a young baby and a strong conviction to the Catholic faith. When she went to her priest, really the only recourse at the time for middle-class people in need of counseling, his advice to her was to "go back to him and try harder." She did. And he continued to beat her. After a few times of that, she finally had had enough. She found her own inner strength, converted to Judiasm, filed for divorce, and never looked back.
Moral of the story?
You have to act in your own best interest. Not the church's, not always even your families'. At the end of the day, you are ultimately accountable for yourSELF and the choices you need to make in order to be happy.
Oh, and my MIL's 1st husband? He went on to become the chief of police in the small town they grew up in. The woman he later married? She died when his gun fired while he was cleaning it. Ruled an "accidental death." True story.
I think the best thing you can do is tell him that you are there when he is ready to talk.
I also agree that he should talk to his pastor and a counselor. If he is being abused I am sure his pastor will want him to be in the healthiest relationship possible. If the church is putting pressure on him to stay in an unhealthy situation than he needs to rethink the church he is attending. No church should want their congregation to be unhappy, that's not what it's all about.
Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11
I was in something of this situation for a while. As a Christian, I felt that I had made an unbreakable vow to God to stick out my marriage. My father, a judge himself, and I had a long talk about what the marriage contract actually means. You make those vows to each other in the presence of God, not to God. My pastor also told me that. It's an important distinction. If you've tried your best to make something work and your partner is not making an effort then the contract is broken. This is most true of all in an abusive relationship where the other partner is actually in contempt of the contract.
Let's say that you contracted a builder to build you a house, and you were paying the builder in monthly installments. Things are going well for a while - payments are on time, and the house is on schedule. Then let's say that the builder stops building the house. He refuses to come back and do any more work, but he still expects the payments. In this case legally we would recognize that the contract is broken, and while the house won't be finished, the payments won't be coming either.
Your brother's wife hasn't stopped building, she's tearing down what's there. He needs to stop making payments.
Also, I'm horrified by what the judge said to your brother. Protection from Abuse orders along with Custody orders are some of the most careful proceedings that any judge should do. The potential for harm to one or all of the parties is very high stemming from these proceedings. A wrong word or phrase from a judge can lead to having to hold a trial later for assault or even murder. You may consider sending a letter to the court administrator of your county or the judicial ethics committee of your state to say how troubled you were by the judge's words.
The judicial bench is a poor substitute for a pulpit. It can be used as a way to offer observations, but this must ALWAYS be done with tact and care. Sometimes judges cannot help themselves, but it is good to use your resources to remind them of the nature of some proceedings.