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Hawaii Babies
Losing yourself?
Before I was a mom I would watch shows like "What Not To Wear" when they were doing a make over on a mom who dressed the same way she did 2 decades ago and who never made time for herself. I would wonder how she could let that happen...
Now I see just how easily time could fly by and how easy it could be to lose yourself into the all consuming role of mother.
I really don't want that to happen. I know that it's normal be consumed with motherhood now, and that things will naturally become more balanced. But I'm an over-thinker and the worry of losing "me" kept me up last night.
I want to be Elyse's mama and Teri.
What do you guys do keep yourselves, quiet the guilt and work towards a balance?
I'm thinking that I would like to read the paper to keep up on current events, but our local paper SUCKS! I would like to know what's going on in the world outside of poopy diapers and mommy get togethers.
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Re: Losing yourself?
I still don't feel like I have a good balance, but I'm really trying and I feel pretty good about where I'm at. Even when I do something for me, though, I usually end up thinking about my baby not long after.
I'm have a great group of GFs and a supportive husband and set of grandparents who help me take time for myself. I told my friends to make sure to keep inviting me out (sometimes people try too hard to be mindful of your need for privacy) because I really need the encouragement to still do normal things -- going to lunch, the movies, girls' days out, etc. We also do a book club. I try to do one social activity a week without baby.
I also just went through my closet and purged a ton of "old" stuff. I got rid of everything that was just blah and kept only the things that made me feel and look good. It also encourages me to still look for new things for myself, since I usually spend all my energy on things for my boy now.
And scheduling an appointment with my hair stylist is my next to-do. I gave up regular visits and my highlights when I was pregnant, and I'm ready to treat myself again.
I think this is a challenge for everyone. I'm curious what the other ladies recommend.
I don't really have a choice, now that I'm back to work I'm in my professional persona 8 hours a day and then have 30mins each way to decompress - I love books on cd and NPR.
As much as I don't love leaving my boy everyday I do love that I feel more like myself simply for getting dressed in a nice outfit and being respected at work. (luckily I like my job)
I know that I need to work on the guilt associated with not spending every non-working second with Jack since I'm gone so much of the day anyways b/c I do need to go to the gym, garden and whatever else comes up. (haven't done any of that on a weekday since going back to work).
I am just not there yet. Balance? WTF is that? This will be long since it's been weighing on my mind and heart a lot lately....
Going back to work has been hard on me...emotionally. The guilt is awful. I don't cry daily about it anymore, but I still am not right with it yet. Intellectually, I know Libby is in great hands...at home with her dad and grandma. And I have it better than most working moms because I can come home at lunch and nurse her and my commute is only 15 minutes to/from work. But the reality is I am away from her about 10 hours a day. DH tries to make me feel better by saying that she's asleep for more than half of the time I am away from her, but I still feel like I am missing out on a lot of her development and milestones and just everyday moments that'll never come again.
Before I had Libby I never imagined I'd ever want to be a SAHM. Now it's all I can think about....I know SAHM have their own set of stresses (my BFF is a SAHM and is way more stressed with that than when she was a WOHM). It doesn't matter what I want though...it's just not possible right now. I make 3 times the income as DH and provide for most of our benefits (medical, dental, vision, retirement, etc.). I am also the only one in this household with a steady, reliable income (DH is a waiter and mom is a self-employed massage therapist) so it's my paycheck that rely upon to make sure rent and bills are paid on time each month.
It will be at least 5 years before DH is out of school and working as a nurse. And even then, we'll have his school loans to pay, etc. so I am not sure if even then it would be feasible to be with only one income. And in 5 years Libby will be starting school anyway.
So right now...pretty much I am at work or I am at home with Libby. And when I am home with her after work we are either feeding or getting ready for bed. And doing chores like dishes, laundry etc. DH and my mom take care of most other things like vaccuuming, cleaning the bathroom, taking care of the pets, etc. I do try to incorporate some quiet playtime with Libby by reading books and singing lullabies. I am sad that I miss out on her energetic "fun" time during the week, so on the weekends I try to absorb as much of it as possible!
I really want to start walking on my treadmill at least 30 minutes/day. In order to do that I'll have to get up at 4:30 a.m. so I've not been able to work that out just yet because sleep is more important than exercising right now. So I have to find a way to make it a priority. But I find that if I try to do my job on less than 6 hours of sleep I make a lot of mistakes and am somewhat crabby all day. I did think I could do it in the evenings, after Libby goes down for her first period of sleep around 7 p.m. but by then I am so wiped out physically, mentally and emotionally all I want to do is veg. And her sleep isn't that predictable right now...it can be 7-7:30 p.m. or 7-9:30 p.m....so I am always afraid I am going to get started on the treadmill and she'll wake up. I might ask my mom to be on "Libby duty" so I can get in at least a 30 minute walk (that way if Libby does wake while I am doing it, she'll take her).
I also regret being here for two years and not making a circle of friends. In fact, the only friend here that I have outside of coworkers (who I am friendly with but they're really not my friends outside of work) is Jaime (Hawaiian Honey) but she and I only see each other maybe twice a year due to our opposite schedules and availability. I was hoping that by becoming a mommy that would also put me in contact with other moms and perhaps I'd develop friendships that way.
But I am quickly realizing that almost all mom groups here are geared towards SAHMs and being a working mom, unless there are some things planned for the weekends, it's not gonna happpen. And even then, we're cramming all of life in on the weekends since it's the only family time we have together (aside from the lunch hour during the week which is really only 30 minutes since I commute 15 minutes oeach way to get home and back to the office) and about 30 minutes once I've arrived home and DH departs for work (I get home around 3:45 p.m. and he leaves at 4:15 p.m.). I am usually in bed before DH gets home (sometime around 11 p.m) but if I am awake we might chat for 5 minutes or so. Before Libby was born I'd wait up for him and we'd hang out until midnight or so, but that's just not possible now. So I don't know how much of my weekend I'd be willing to give up in the pursuit of new friendships. It's really at Catch-22 and something I've got to figure out...soon. I don't want to be that mom who makes her kids her friends. I don't think that's fair...at least not while they're children. As young adults, maybe....but not for a long, long time.
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At the moment, I have no balance. None. I am my boys' mama and that's it. I suppose it sounds depressing, but it's kind of the way it has to be right now - they're so needy that there isn't any other option (and I don't mean that in a bad way, but simply that they need me). Things will become more balanced in the future, but for now...it is what it is, you know?
That said, I am trying VERY hard to keep something for myself. That's why I started the HI Nesties Book Club, so that I would be committed to doing something I loved (reading) just for me, no matter what. It's only a little thing, but it's mine - it's about me. I hope that makes sense!
i think it's really hard to find a good balance but i think we all knew that going into it right? that's why people who want to focus on themselves wait before having kids...at least that's what we did. we were married 4 years before she was born. and while there is still lots more we want to do and see in the world via travels, we knew that having a baby would change that all and it would be a loooooooong time before we traveled across the world again.
i need to start doing some sort of weight bearing exercises since i am high risk for osteoporosis ....but, i think for now i am ok with mostly being "mommy" and only sometimes being "me"....she's the world to me right now and just seeing her smile or hearing her laugh makes me happier than anyone else can make me right now, even DH. i know that this time is limited and once she starts school she will want to hang out w/her own friends etc so i am ok with "losing myself" a little right now b/c there will be plenty of time later for me to focus on just me
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
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I'll sum it up by saying this is pretty much how I feel. It weighs on my mind CONSTANTLY! I need ME time but I can't figure out the balance quite yet. I think men have it easier, they don't feel as much guilt as we do about it... at least that's the case for my DH, he says alone time or "him" time makes him a better father and husband which is best for Bella in the end... I agree but still I can't find the balance! I hate being away from her.