Adopting my sister's baby...
I joined this site months ago when we were in the process of becoming Foster Parents. We finished training and our home-study in April/May and we?ve had one respite placement. I had vacation planned for next week, so we decided to wait on a full-time placement until after I return.
THE came the news!
My sister was going to surrogate for us a few years ago, and it has been discussed over the years many times, as I have severe PCOS. My sister got pregnant last spring though and we all decided after this baby (#3 for her) she would get her tubes tied. More than the three she had would be too much for her and her partner.
Well, my niece was born January 5, 2010. Since it was a natural delivery, they told her she would have to come back later for the tubes to be tied. Well, little did she know at the time, LATER would be 5 MONTHS! So she goes on Wednesday of this past week to have the surgery, only to find out through POS that is she pregnant. She is 4 weeks.
As soon as she found out, she and her partner both said, ?Well, I guess Christie gets to be a mom after all?. So they both want my husband and I to adopt this baby, and after long discussion of all four of us, and our families we have agreed to move forward with adopting.
This will be an extremely open adoption, and my sister and her partner will be Aunt and Uncle, my husband and I will be Mom and Dad, and the rest of the family will be the same. We are also opening this adoption to her partner?s parents and grandparents, because they live in Florida, they wouldn?t see the baby often anyway.
I NEED ADVICE THOUGH! I?ve contacted four family attorneys in our town (my sister is in Florida, I am in Virginia) and NO ONE has gotten back to me. I need to know what all we need to do, pay, plan, etc. I realize we have 8 months to go, but considering how quickly the last 8 months flew by, I think we need to get the ball rolling here.
So for all of you that did a private adoption what was your cost? Mostly, I am concerned with the attorney cost. We will be buying my sister anything she needs (clothes, vitamins, healthy foods, gas money for doctor?s visits etc.)
Thanks for your replies!
**Side note, for any nay-sayers? if we didn?t adopt this baby she was going to have an abortion, keeping this baby for her is NOT an option, she has a 6 and 5 yr old, and a 5 month old she is already struggling to care for financially.**
Re: Adopting my sister's baby...
I don't think you're going to find any naysayers here.
I would contact attorneys in both states and sit tight until you hear from them. If you don't hear from the first ones you contact, look for others. And keep in mind you're heading into a holiday weekend, so it may be a few more days.
I'm sure costs will vary based on state laws. For example, my state doesn't allow any direct payments to the birthfamily, while other states have specific amounts that are allowed for living and medical expenses.
You'll also need to factor in if your sister has health insurance, or can get on public assistance to help defray costs.
GL. This sounds like an exciting time for you
I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know how excited I am for ya'll.
Kate
Same here.
Thanks ladies! We're all going into with eyes wide open. My sister said the way she see's it is that if I needed a kindey she would be the first one to sign up. All I need is an egg and a womb, and she can give me that.
My sister is an amazing person, we're like oil and water, but we're best friends. She is very laid back, goes with the flow, nothing ever ruffles her feathers. I on the other hand am high strung and plan everything down to the littlest details.
We're still early in this process! Trying not to get too far ahead of myself!
If you live in two different states, you'll need an attorney in each state. You'll need to go ahead and speak with the attornies and a social worker too, to see if your foster/adopt homestudy will work for a private adoption.
As far as fees, that really depends on what the attorneys charge and how many hours they need to put in. Because this is so early in the pregnancy, charges can add up very quickly. You'll also be paying her legal fees. You're also looking at additional fees if it's interstate, as there will be additional time preparing paperwork and communicating with the ICPC caseworker assigned for each state as it moves through that process.
I can tell you that a very quick, uncomplicated adoption with my attorney would be $2500-3500, but those rates are extremely reasonable and I'm in a low COL area. It really depends and you'll need to speak with the attorneys directly.
The attorneys will also advise you what you can/can't pay -- it's not the same as a surrogacy and in some states, you can't just give her cash. You will have to testify under oath about what your expenses were, so be very careful.
We did a private IA adoption of someone we knew. DD was in foster care in Canada and we were asked to adopt.
Do nothing until you speak with an attorney that specializes in adoptions in both states. Be very careful about paying for things. We had to submit a accounting to the court before we could finalize.
Our adoption was a total of less than $7,000 but we only paid our expenses. If it is legal for you to pay your sister expenses it could get very expensive for 8 more months.
Good Luck! Your sister should not need maternity stuff as she just had a baby should she...
She has some maternity clothes, but most she gave to friends that are pregnant. She weight less than before the got pregnant when she left the hospital, so she didn't really have to keep much to wear after the baby was born.
We are still REALLY early in this process, and I think I am just going to wait until we get to week 10, to really start getting into things. I will be in Florida for a pre-planned visit next week, so we have plenty to discuss!
Thanks again ladies, I appreciate your input.
I wish you the best of luck in this journey! It sounds very exciting!! I assume your sister will be getting counseling both prebirth and post birth?
I posted this in another post above, but thought I should post it here as well:
My DD is also my niece, although my situation wasn't due to my sister's choice, which complicates matters a bit. If you decide to move forward with the adoption, make sure you have some honest conversation about how relationships and family roles might change. How do you feel about having a completely open adoption? How does your sister feel about it? What about your mom, will she see this as your child or your sister's child? Who will name the child? What if your sister does change her mind? Will that hurt your relationship? Are the baby's birth siblings still siblings, or cousins, or both?I only ask these questions because these are the things we have faced and although we wouldn't change anything, kinship adoption can be tough. There have been many times that I have had to choose my children and husband over my family's feelings.
I want to say thank you again to everyone for their advice.
Sadly, my sister miscarried over the weekend. I think it was harder on her heart than mine because she was looking forward to doing this for my DH and I.
The one thing I am so thankful for is that I was here in Florida with her instead of being far away in Virginia.
My emotional rollercoaster ended almost before it began.
She will be getting her tubes tied in two weeks, and that is for the best.
On a happier note, I woke to an email this morning from my Foster Care worker where she told me to be sure and email her as soon as I get back to VA next week.
Hopefully that means she will place someone with us very soon.
Thanks again for all of the support and advice.