Passing on a Situation
I was wondering if I could get some feedback from others on passing on a situation. We had a potential match the other day, but due to a health issue (mom had untreated syphilis until month 6), we are leaning towards passing on this. We spoke to a few doctors, including my cousin who is an OBGYN working at a clinic that deals with a high risk population. My cousin has very serious concerns about the baby. This, along with some other sketchy things has made us just so uncomfortable about it and our gut is telling us to pass. This is a difficult decision because I want a baby so badly and was very attached to the idea of this baby, and who knows when the next opportunity will roll around?
Anyway - I was wondering if anyone could offer any advice, past experience about how you dealt with this kind of decision and the guilt related to passing on a situation.
Re: Passing on a Situation
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I think you have to make the best choice for you and your husband. If you feel like your gut is telling you to pass, then I think that's the right decision. It sounds like you've asked for opinions and the doctors are leaning towards it being a higher risk.
A possible situation was mentioned to us (from a friend) when we were first starting the process. We ultimately decided it wasn't the right situation for us. I did have some worries about saying no, but in the end I know we made the right choice.
I'm guessing some other board members here will hae some good advice or suggestions for you.
I agree with pp. You have to do what is right for you. I'm glad you are thinking clearly about the situation and not letting your heart take over. If I didn't have DH I'd accept every situation. lol
With that said, we have had to pass on two situations. The first we hadn't actually been chosen but the BM wanted to see our profile and we had to pass because the health of the baby was questionable at the time. She actually decided to parent after choosing her family.
The second was just a couple of weeks ago. We were approached by close friends of the family that are raising their 1 year old Grand daughter. We have our hearts set on a newborn with this being our one and only time we will get to adopt. This situation was the hardest for me just knowing we could have this sweet little girl in our home any day.
Just remember the perfect match is out there for you and your family. ((HUGS))
We passed on a situation. It didn't match every.single.thing on the profile key, but the SW called us to ask if they could show our profile. The child had already been born, so there was a definite sense of urgency.
The birthfather had a medical condition that was genetic and had a pretty high chance of being passed on to the child. If the child had it, there was a 50/50 shot there would be some serious issues later in life. We had anywhere from 2 to 12 hours to make up our minds.
We turned it down, and I felt SO bad. Like you, I had no idea when another situation would come our way. I even told the SW I felt bad, and she said not to. She said it wasn't a perfect match, and if we didn't feel comfortable, it wasn't for us. And after I told her about the research I'd done on the condition, she was even more fine with our decision.
As it turned out, we got the call for our daughter less than 2 weeks later. There was some concern about legal risk with the birthfather, but this situation felt so much better than the one we passed on. So far this has been a dream adoption, and I feel like we really got the child who was meant for us.
Good luck with your decision. If it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right.
My situation is a little different. DH and I had a referral a few weekd back that had some (potentially) serious health and neurological issues. After talking to a specialist in Russian adoption from the University of Washington, we declined the little girl.
I was (and am still)devestated. It was a very hard decision, but you and your SH or SO will know what is right and what you as a family can handle.
I hold onto the hope and faith that she will find a home soon. In the meantime, I purchased a small item to remember her by- a little girl Pandora bead for my necklace.
I will tell you this- the guilt IS real. Try to lean on close family and friends who are supportive. But it will get better. Take care.
Our situation is a bit different. We could wait for a match, or we could review the files of waiting (harder to place) children and find a match ourselves. If we waited for the Peruvian government to match us, we would likely be waiting another year or two. As such, we consistently went threw the list of waiting children (over 400, updated every month)reviewed about 10 or so files in depth before we found M. Some of the children were matched with other families before we made a decision, but more than half, we "turned down."
Luckily, we found an amazing doctor with experience in adoptions. He explained to us that we should never feel guilty from walking away from a situation with which we didn't feel comfortable. More importantly, he assured us--to a point which we believed him--hat there were families out there that would adopt children that we thought might not have a chance at a family. He convinced us that there are families out there with experience or special training in handling children with RAD or other situations which might make us start.
The hardest thing we ever did was back away from considering the adoption of a sweet, little girl who had been hurt too many times in her life, and as a result was hurting herself and others and showing other early symptoms of RAD. We felt awful; like we might be the only ones to save her and we were walking away. But within the month, a family requested to parent her, and she was matched with them. It was then that we realized that the doctor was right. We couldn't consider ourselves as the only hope these children had; we had to have faith that there were other families for these children and that we would find our child in time. (We also prayed that the family that was matched with the little girl recognized her early warning signs and was adequately prepared to deal with them. (The weren't necessarily completely obvious.)).
The point I'm trying to make is that you have to be honest and true to yourselves. Only you and your husband know what your expectations and limitations are. Only you know what you might be capable of, and willing to, deal with. The most important thing is to never make a decision that will place you in a position where you are in deeper than you can/want to be. That will only breed resentment. You have to have faith that the children you "pass" on will find their ideal, and you have to keep searching for yours, or you will do everyone involved a grave and everlasting disservice.