Vent - Email to/from DB (long)

fauxshelley · June 2010

I mentioned that DB didn't come to Pumpkin's dance rectial in a earlier post. I finally sent him and email about it, below:

Pumpkin was very upset that you didn't come to her dance recital last weekend. You didn't even call and say you couldn't make it. She hasn't spoken to you since Mother's day, when you stopped by to see the kids. When you told Pumpkin that maybe you would see her the next weekend, she believed you, and expected to hear from you.

You have only had TWO visits with your kids this year. Once on Feb 12th for about 15 minutes and once on Mother's Day for maybe 2 hours. Please make an effort to spend time with your children, they need you to be a good father.

Good luck with your job search. I know that takes up a lot of your time and energy. I realize that you are going through a hard time, and I hope that you know that the offer still stands for you to come over and spend time with your children. Just let me know when you want visit them again, and we will work it out.

Not too harsh, right? Here is his response to me:

I didn't come to Hannah's ballet recital because I didn't think I was welcome there and I didn't want there to be unnecessary drama on Hannahs day. I love her and missed her. I literally made me sick to miss it. I'm just trying to keep the peace.

Here is my email back to him (a bit more harsh this time).

Nice. You don't bother to show up at your daughter's dance recital and you try to blame it on me? What are you talking about "trying to keep the peace"? I invited you to come over and see the kids - that is the sole reason for the last visit you had with them. I also told you that when you want to see them again, let me know.

I tried to work with you on lowering the child support, but we can't come to an agreement. I haven't asked you to pay child support for Jackson yet. Seriously, I don't know what more I can do.

I am sick of you blaming your bad life choices on me, and extremely sick of you making up lies about me to cover your own butt. Own up to your actions (or lack of) and quit using me as your scapegoat!

I can't stand that man!!!!! He constantly makes up crap about me to his family and friends to cover for the fact that he is a deadbeat! I am soooo sick of being nice and accomodating to him. I do it for my kids, but dammit I sometimes wish he would fall of the face of the earth!!!!

fauxshelley · June 2010

I failed to mention that my mother called my exMIL after the dance recital and asked how she can not have anything to do with her grandkids, why doesn't she come to see them and told her that Pumpkin cries herself to sleep at times because she misses them. My ex MIL's response to my mom was, "Shelley is a monster and I don't know what she would do to (insert DB's name) if I saw them." WTF? There is no telling what lies he is spreading. In my wildest dreams I can't imagine what I could possibly do to DB if his mother saw my kids. Yes lady, that's why I used to send you email updates, pics and videos of the kids - it's all a scheme to screw over your son. Stupid Biitch.

sweetie0228 · June 2010

I think you know what I'm going to say:

Nice = Screwed every single time.

I lvoe the email documentation of his lack of visits where he doesn't deny that he missed those visits. Keep that forever.

and Ex MIL, she knows your number and knows how to get a hold of you. if she can't think enough w/ her own brain to reach out and connect w/ the children. HER LOSS.

You can't force these people to be emotionally supportive and caring to the children. The only thing you can do is Forced the Deadbeat to be FINANCIALLY Responsible for both children. No negociations he ahs to pay what he has to pay. Let him build up a huge arrears balance...guess what that never goes away. It will go on his credit report, all tax returns will be diverted directly to you. It will eventually inconvience him.

You do not have to hand everything over on a silver platter. If he can't (or any of his other family) be bothered to pick up a phone and exert the effort to ASK about the children, their grades, their likes dislikes hopes and dreams...they don't get to play father or grandmother of the year b/c you spoon fed the information to them.

He (and his family) are no longer on your team. Not necessarily the enemy but they have their own agendas and it doesn't match up w/ yours.

You know I love you Shell Bell!

fauxshelley · June 2010

Sweetie, I am so drained from dealing him - I know you are right. My attorney wants me to take him back to court for cs for Jackson, but I am in a tough spot. The outcome completely depends on the judge. My understanding is that bc he is unemployed, the judge could order him to pay for both kids based on minimum wage, and that's about $100 less than I a get now. Or they could base it on his last income, and cs would go up about $450 a month.

You see he knows that I am waiting for him to get a job. He "lost" his last job right before we were supposed to go to court for this, and I put everything on hold bc of fear of what the judge may order. I honestly think he is employed, but not telling me. (I think this is part of the reason he won't have Pumpkin around his family, he fears she will find out about his job) I don't think he could have made it 6 months without any income at all. I guess I should just bite the bullet and get it over with. After all $100 won't make that much of a difference.

Thanks, Sweetie. I am off to email my attorney. Wish me luck!

DarthNBJenni · June 2010

What a jerkface.

I'd go ahead and file the paper work to collect child support for your son. I'd send him an email simply stating "Since you are unable to provide emotionally for your children, I am requiring you to provide financially."

I'd also stop contacting your exMIL. I've done this with mine. If she wants to see her grandkids, she knows where I live, my email address and phone number. If she questions why she never sees them, then maybe she'll realize it's because her son doesn't see them, either.

achase123 · June 2010

I completely agree with Sweetie.

You sound like you are dealing with someone who is pretty much the same as my STBXH. Never accountable for his own actions, if you give him an inch, he will take a mile, always whining and complaining and pulling the "poor me" card. Plus his mother sounds like a clone of my STBXMIL. It is a form of manipulation to put you down to others (when they are making up lies). Remember that. The e-mail documentation was smart.

But I agree with Sweetie in that you cannot force this man to be a father. I would make him pay as much CS as you can. I am positive he is able to afford more than he is saying he can-they all do it, broke when it comes to supporting their children but able to afford what they want for THEIR needs (such as new cars, new tattoos, drugs-in my XH's case). Anyways, the point is-don't help him-he is doing nothing in return for you and hurting your children.

It took me a long time (and I am still not there yet) to stop trying to please everyone and realize that some people will see what they want and do what they want. I have pretty much written off STBXH's family and what they think. It is hard to do because it kills me to think of people not liking me but you know what, they aren't worth it. You are doing the best thing for your children and if DB and his "mommy dearest" don't want to be involved that is THEIR loss!! Your children are beautiful and precious gifts-if they want to miss out on that I think it's very, very sad.

sweetie0228 · June 2010

(1) Voluntary Reduction of Income. When either party voluntarily assumes a lower paying job, quits a job, leaves employment, changes occupations or changes employment status to pursue an education, or is fired for cause, there generally will be no effect on the support obligation.

(2) Involuntary Reduction of, and Fluctuations in, Income. No adjustments in support payments will be made for normal fluctuations in earnings. However, appropriate adjustments will be made for substantial continuing involuntary decreases in income, including but not limited to the result of illness, lay-off, termination, job elimination or some other employment situation over which the party has no control unless the trier of fact finds that such a reduction in income was willfully undertaken in an attempt to avoid or reduce the support obligation.

(3) Seasonal Employees. Support orders for seasonal employees, such as construction workers, shall ordinarily be based upon a yearly average.

(4) Earning Capacity. If the trier of fact determines that a party to a support action has willfully failed to obtain or maintain appropriate employment, the trier of fact may impute to that party an income equal to the party?s earning capacity. Age, education, training, health, work experience, earnings history and child care responsibilities are factors which shall be considered in determining earning capacity. In order for an earning capacity to be assessed, the trier of fact must state the reasons for the assessment in writing or on the record. Generally, the trier of fact should not impute an earning capacity that is greater than the amount the party would earn from one full-time position. Determination of what constitutes a reasonable work regimen depends upon all relevant circumstances including the choice of jobs available within a particular occupation, working hours, working conditions and whether a party has exerted substantial good faith efforts to find employment.

This is directly quoted from PA child support law which is based mainly on FEDERAL child support Enforcement law.

AND Find out if (and here's the gamble) during modifcation you find out that you would be getting less CS...see if you can retrack the modification request. In PA I can do that if I'm the petitioner (the requester) and I can take it back and then nothing is changed and I keep getting the original amount. But here's the gamble...he can then be the petitioner and request the CS modifcation and then you get stuck w/ the lower amount...BUT let me tell you the courts dislike lowering the CS amounts.

fauxshelley · June 2010

Here is my email to my attorney (also my stepfather, hence the "love" part).

I would like to move forward with the child support request for Jackson. I know the outcome is uncertain, but it is the right thing to do, and we will just pray for the best. Please let me know what you need from me to get started.

Much love and thanks, Shelley

::fingers crossed::

sweetie0228 · June 2010

The judges really hate to find out they are being jerked around and really they have been around the block a few times. These guys aren't trying anything new. There are rules in place for these games.

ErinC27 · June 2010

Everyone else said things so much better than I ever could. Your X sounds like mine, blaming his actions and consequences on you. I think you are right to go after CS for Jackson. He is responsible for it. He clearly isn't willing to be there in any other way, you might as well make him be there financially. My X is voluntarily unemployed as well. He says he can't find a job, but it has been 6 months, and the market isn't THAT bad. Typically here they look at potential income when that happends. Hopefully that is what they will look at for your case as well. Good luck!

KaliChick · June 2010

If he's employed it won't be hard for the judge/attorney to find out. He will be listed with the EDD as all employers are required to report a new employee.

alibabbbs · June 2010

Wow, I could have written your post, faux. Nothing makes me crazier than their claiming to be heroes for not seeing their children because "I didn't think I was welcome blah blah blah" and "didn't want there to be unnecessary drama blah blah blah." Deadbeat has granted himself holy status for not seeing his son in 2 weeks because he is sparing his son the drama. I have no interest in seeing Deadbeat, so I don't even know where the drama would take place.

I used to be terrified of Deadbeat getting a ton of visitation and missing DS to death, but now I'm sad because it looks like Deadbeat may be leaving the picture, so DS won't have a dad in his life.

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