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redshoegirl
member
breastfeeding saga continues (long, sorry)
redshoegirl
member
Today has been hard. Really, really hard. I'm thisclose to just giving up on BFing.
To be honest, I don't even know what I'm doing this for anymore. I enjoy the bonding time with the boys, but even that is becoming more and more difficult. I thought tandem feeding would be easier as they got older, but it's actually getting harder - they're getting far more difficult to lift with one arm, and squirm a lot more - so our breastfeeding sessions are quickly turning into half an hour of: "Dash, stop moving, you're sliding off the pillow. Will, latch back on. OK, we're set. No Dash, hold still. Crap, Will is sucking down air - hold on boys, he needs to be broken off and burped. Dash, stop squirming, I need to lift you over to the side for a minute. Please stop screaming honey, it's just for a minute... Will, latch back on. Now to lift Dash back - oh geez you're heavy kiddo!" Yes, I can feed them separately, but that makes feeding times take twice as long (effectively turning me into an all day buffet) and puts them on different eating/sleeping schedules.
The only things keeping me BFing right now are convenience and cost - not having to buy formula or wash and prepare bottles, and having food available on tap when we're out somewhere (I always pack bottles since tandem feeding isn't exactly discrete, but the breastmilk is still there as a back up, you know?). And even those arguments are starting to wear thin.
I just don't know what to do. I want SO badly to stop BFing right now. But then I feel like an asshat for fighting so hard for this, only to give up. I mean, I've worked HARD to get where I am...is it pathetic to stop? Am I wanting to give up too easily after pushing so hard to get to this point, even though "this point" is still not fully breastfeeding (I can manage one session in the morning without supplementing, and then they get 1-3oz in the afternoon/night as my supply progressively dwindles).
It's reeeeeally not helping that side effects from the domperidone have started to kick in - mild headaches suck, but the worst part is a fair amount of fatigue. It's so bad that I actually nearly slept through the babies screaming for food last night - Ben had to shake me awake. So the drug that helps me to breastfeed is also making it harder because I'm so freaking tired all the time. And being extra tired also means it's even more difficult to cope with fussy babies...today I had to walk away while Dash was screaming (for less than a minute, but I still walked away) because I simply couldn't cope. I'm ashamed to even admit that, but right in that moment, I couldn't deal with trying to soothe or comfort him.
I'm so torn...one part of me wants to push ahead, but the other part wants to put an end to all of this and admit surrender and switch to formula. I'm through one week of a 3-week course of the domperidone (after that I'll be weaned off), so I'm trying hard to make it through to the end of that before I make a decision, but I'm just so TIRED...I don't know how I can do this for another 2 weeks. I've been battling BFing for 6 freaking weeks and I just want a resolution...I want an end to the marathon feeding sessions, to the stress and worry, to the exhaustion. 
I don't know what I need right now. Encouragement to keep going, or to be told it's OK to stop, or just what you'd do in this situation.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: breastfeeding saga continues (long, sorry)
Totally agree.
I got two clogged ducts in a week and they were insanely PAINFUL. After the second, I told DH that if it became a constant thing, I was giving up. It was so sore, took so long to take care of, and I was in constant fear of another one creeping up, not to mention my worries about mastitis. I still feel the same way.
We talk about BFing a lot on this board, but it's not easy or do-able or desirable for all moms. Not everyone does it for a year or finds it to be a thrilling experience either. And there's no shame in any of that.
Aww, I'm so sorry =( Lots of hugs your way. I feel your pain and tons of props to you for sticking to it thus far, esp with twins!
Unlike Christine (distracted nurser), I have a sleepy nurser. So he will cry to feed and I nurse him for 5 min and he falls sound asleep. I try to wake him (without shaking him) but I can't, so I put him back to bed. 30 min later, he cries, we nurse for 5 min, sleeps, put to bed, repeat. Last night, I did this from 1am-5am straight until he finally had enough and slept until 8:30am. I felt like an all-night buffet even with just *one* LO! and I'm sore again from all the feeding!
And like your LOs, mine slides off the pillow all the time too! And my left wrist is killing me (I think I might have carpal tunnel now?) so I gave in and bought a Boppy from the Target Daily Deals the other day...still waiting for it to arrive in the mail.
Heh, I'm not on domperidone and I still sleep through his crying at night. MH keeps asking me how I'm able to do that (esp since I'm usually a light sleeper). I guess I just got too tired? Sometimes I also let him cry for a minute--don't feel bad about it, I think it's better to handle the baby when you're calm to ensure that you don't accidentally do something careless because you're frustrated (ie. all the car accidents that I've been in where I was at fault were when I was angry/frustrated/rushed/etc).
If you still want to give them breast milk, I think that it may be worth it to invest in an electric pump (I was going to get manual at first due to $, but I'm glad I ended up getting the electric one at the urging of other moms and my OBG--I ended up getting this one). I think it really helped stimulate my milk production when I wasn't producing enough and it's easier on carpal tunnel and a lot more efficient than the manual pumps. But switching to formula is totally fine too. We still use the bottle sometime, despite what everyone says about giving babies bottles and nipple confusion when they're so young, but he still latches on when I nurse every time.
I think it's totally okay and normal for you to feel frustrated, torn and exhausted in this situation. I feel like my situation is hard and you have two times the work, which I think makes it exponentially harder! I think it's okay for you to either stop and go on formula or keep going, whichever you feel more comfortable with. Either way, you'll be feeding your LOs and giving the nourishment that they need and that's providing what's best for them. I don't think you should push yourself to the point where you're worn out thin because then you're not taking care of yourself and you need to take care of yourself first in order to take care of your LOs (which I know is often hard for moms to do because we forget to take care of ourselves too).
Sorry this got so long! But hang in there and know that you're not alone in the BF battle!
Tough decision. And honestly, it sounds like you've argued your way through both sides, so it looks like you're going to have to make the decision yourself-- the one that's best for you and your family. You know the benefits of BF, but you also know the hardships. And you know the *ease* of formula, but you also know the cost.
So it's truly up to you-- if it's worth your sanity and time and effort to continue BF for your boys ... or if it's formula feeding them. I honestly believe that we should all just be in favor of feeding our babies-- regardless of if it's breastmilk or formula or organic food or not. As long as our babies are fed, we are doing our job. No one says you HAVE to breastfeed your babies. We are given the option for a reason!
This probably didn't help you at all, but I really hope you find peace with your situation.
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I was wondering the other day how the heck you manage to BF two LO's at the same time. I have a hard time with just one if I'm not using my "My Brest Friend" pillow. It must be so hard Lisa! They have had six weeks of BFing which is so much better than none at all and now their immune systems are off to a good start. I don't think you should feel defeated or guilty or anything of the like if you choose to stop. You have done a wonderful job!
Ryan had too many bottles I guess and has decided he likes them better than my breast 90% of the time
. He screams bloody murder when I try to bf him (but I still try). Now I'm connected to that damn pump instead of my little boy. It's like I'm formula feeding because of all the warming milk and washing the bottles and packing milk when we're leaving. It is so a HUGE pain in the ars, and we even use Playtex drop ins bottles most of the time. I know this probably isn't helping you decide. Maybe you can last another two weeks to give the med time to work well and at that point decide one way or the other? Christine made a good point about just giving them one feed in the morning so they get some breastmilk every day.
Whatever you choose, you're an awesome Mom!
I have a special twin feeding pillow (like so) but it only works if they hold still, kwim?
Also, I think Will might be developing bottle preference like Ryan.
Lisa, I am a big proponent of breastfeeding, but I just have to say:
1) You've made it to your goal of one month...and beyond...HOORAY! That's an awesome accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself.
2) You've done the absolutely best you can do make this work, including taking the steps to get on meds, pumping, etc. to increase your milk supply.
3) BFing is difficult with a full, steady supply, perfect latch and just one baby! You're a freaking rockstar mama!
4) A happy mama makes for happy kiddos...if you're not happy then they'll not be happy. So...
If you're done, it's so okay. Promise...
WIll and Dash will still bond with you and be healthy and smart...My brother and I were only breastfed for a month (and we were premies so we only got pumped milk while in the hospital...mainly for immunity reasons...when we came home we were on formula) and we're sharper than most tacks in the box. And quite healthy too. Neither of us had allergies or asthma or any of those other childhood problems attributed to not BFing. In fact, my brother only developed those issues once he was in his mid-20's...probably due to the air quality where he lives, not because he didn't get enough BM as an infant.
Have you heard of "bottle nursing"...it's basically bottle-feeding in a way that is similar to breast feeding. You can still hold them close and look into their eyes, speak lovingly to them and give them lots of skin-to-skin contact while you bottle feed. Ben can too, which is a HUGE plus when considering the option of going with FF. And for out and about, you just put the formula in the bottle and add water when you need to...or pre-make them ahead of time. No biggie.
If you do decide you want to push through this...I am giving you a big old standing ovation and cheering you on to keep on keeping on...but honestly? You need to do what's right for you and your family and if that is slowly transitioning away from the boob to bottle, then you do it! The most important thing is that they are well cared for and loved and you can do that with BM or FF. I don't want you to beat yourself up over this...millions of women feed their babies formula for a myriad of reasons and they love their babies just as much as those who chose to breastfeed. Seriously. It's true.
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ok the fact that the pillow is called a Milkbar is FUNNY.
You are a trooper. I have to say that. I gave much earlier than you because I couldn't deal with a myriad of things that were happening at the time. Most of the adults I know were FF, and we're pretty healthy.
It's ok to stop. It's ok to keep going. But you need to do what's best for you. (Ok, I have to admit I hated when people told me that - I was always thinking - seriously, just tell me what to do! I can't think straight anymore!)
I would say to pump if you can - even for one "meal" a day - I tried to do that because it made me feel like he was getting something good. But formula is not bad... and formula is not cheap. I probably spend more for formula per month than for (sposies) diapers.
Whatever you decide to do is the right thing. W&D will still love you and bond with you and so will Ben. And so will we!
I 100% echo what the other women here have said, Lisa, so I don't really have anything further to add but wanted to give you kudos for feeding two little babes for 6 weeks! I am in awe of how you do it (I remember how freakin hard it was to feed Maya).
i'm the least qualified to have any sort of opinion on this right now, but honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'm 99.9% sure I'd do formula without a second thought. i might try BF in the morning once a day, but if my supply goes, oh well. i (you, really!) met my goal of trying for over a month, i've done everything i could to BF, and at some point, it's just not worth it anymore. all the efforts and fighting you've put in so far? they're a sunk cost - I'd try to let it go. my sanity and happiness is worth the $$ and the extra hassle of washing bottles, etc. i never got a single drop of BM, don't have allergies, rarely ever get sick, and am a pretty smart cookie, if i do say so myself
that said, you definitely need to do whatever you're most comfortable with - and whichever way you decide, that is the *right* decision! good luck, and kudos for sticking it out and trying so hard for so long!
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
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